05/31/15

We made it through the pregnancy scare.
We made it through the Colorado road trip.
Now it has surfaced that her friends rather than being supportive and encouraging are constantly reminding her of the past and disrespecting her.

I love her so much. It's hard to see the weight on her shoulders. I see more and more how important being a part of community is. I see the affect of unhealthy neglectful community.

My prayer life is shit.
I know I wrestle with doubt but there are certain things that seem to tether me again and again. Things that cannot be denied by my heart.

Prayer matters.

I can't explain it more than that. When my prayer life is on point my quality of life is very high.

Nor does evil consist in being transient, made to decay. There is nothing wrong with the tree dropping its leaves in the autumn. There is nothing wrong with the sunset fading away into darkness. Evil consists in none of those things; indeed, it is precisely the transience of the good creation that serves as a pointer to its larger purpose... Evil then consists not in being created but in the rebellious idolatry by which humans worship and honor elements of the natural world rather than the God who made them... Turning away from the worship of the living God is turning toward that which has no life in itself. Worship that which is transient, and it can only give you death... Redemption doesn't mean scrapping what's there and starting again from a clean slate but rather liberating what has come to be enslaved. And because of the analysis of evil not as materiality but as rebellion, the slavery of humans and of the world does not consist in embodiment, redemption from which would mean the death of the body and the consequent release of the soul or spirit. The slavery consists, rather, in sin, redemption from which must ultimately involve not just goodness of soul or spirit but a newly embodied life.
-N.T. Wright, "What the Whole World's Waiting For," Surprised by Hope; Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church, pp 93-108

God help me stay focused on You the creator and not in anything else that has no life in itself.

You're the Judge, set me free.

I want to pray to you daily. I want to focus on You the giver of life. I want everything I do to be through You. To be life giving and loving. That can only be done with You. You are love. You give life.

My life seems to be, not falling apart but maybe losing direction. If You are my true north then my compass lately has felt like its spinning. Like I can't seem to hold the arrow steady to find You. Like I'm losing my bearings. If life is a journey then You are the map. The less I look at the map the more lost I seem to find myself.

I'm confused what I stand for. Or if I stand for anything at all. I know my lips move but does my heart and actions line up? What a terrible thought. To live in denial. To be delusional. To think I am one thing but to be something entirely different. I want truth.

Truth is love.
And God is love.

I want my life to tell a story. I want the story to have direction. I want to be able to look back at my 20's look back at my youth, look back at my life and know that I told a story that was true. I'm learning as I go that truth cannot come apart from You.

And prayer is how I find You.
my prayer life is shit.
my compass, my map, my direction, my story...it's starting to feel like it's turning to shit.

help.

twenty one pilots: The Judge

05/16/15

The principle that underlines such conduct in the church in Corinth is spelled out in the second-century gnostic Gospel of Philip:

Light and darkness, life and death, right and left, are brothers of one another. They are inseparable. Because of this, neither are the good good, nor the evil evil, nor the life life, nor death death. For this reason each one will dissolve into its earliest origin. But those who are exalted above the world are indissoluble, eternal.

The historical Jesus was of no interest to the "spirit people." Only the heavenly Christ was important to them. By separating Christ from Jesus, gnostics denied the Incarnation, bodily resurrection, and the Eucharist.
-Veselin Kesich, St. Irenaeus: the Church's Conflict with Gnosticism, Formation and Struggles; The Birth of the Church AD 330-200

Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I feel no one understands and doesn't care to understand. But I don't see how. I suppose that's how it goes being stuck in only the head we are given. We can only guess and assume what others think and feel but the truly know isn't for us.

I feel as if my friends don't understand why I live the way I live. Why I work at the preschool making 22k. Why I don't want to have sex before the marriage vows. Why I want to work in the garden every Saturday without chemicals or engines or tilling, or buying new things for it.

Is God irrelevant? Does God not fit in our lives today? Do we just pick what makes us feel good about theology and toss out the other stuff? Is sex just an act couples do when they feel safe enough with each other, or just attracted enough?

Is sex just chemicals? Is sex just pleasure?
Is a job just money? Is money our worth?
Should I buy the cheapest thing to save money? To advance myself while holding down others?

If I want to live my life a different way, a more meaningful way why is it so hard? Why do I feel an unspoken pressure from my community? I don't want to make a big deal out of it I just want to buy shoes and clothes not made in sweatshops. I want to buy food not made by factories and mega scale farms.

Why is it when I say no to the cultural push towards "more" I feel the push back from my friends? I don't want more for the sake of more. I want meaning. I want purpose. More than money more than comfort more than pleasure I want purpose.

I can't be the only one who feels this way. Why do I see the older I get less and less of a need for God from my communities?

Almost to the point where I am viewed as oppressive if I believe in the limitations of this world. Oppressive if I believe in saying no to more.

Is God oppressive?
The bible says it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
Is it actually oppression?

If I don't want to have sex before marriage does that make me neglectful, selfish, and distant?
Does that mean I refuse to express affection towards who I love?

Is affection simply giving a pleasurable touch, or kiss? can affection be more than that?
Can affection be restraint? Can it be respect? Can it be shown by holding to boundaries?

Am I the only one who thinks the cheap feeling of sex outside of marriage feels worse than how good the chemicals during sex feels?

How did I get like this? Is it because I drank too much of the poison religion was selling as a kid? Is it because I bought all of the lies the church preached growing up? If I was raised an atheist would I as an adult believe and buy into all the things I was taught as a kid?

Does something actually hear me when I sing and pray?

are light and darkness just two sides of the same coin? Is there right and wrong? Is morality a universal law or just a man made idea?

Keeping the faith turns out to be a much harder task than I originally thought. In a very different way.

Do I deny myself, sex, money. comfort, pleasure simply because of phariseutical religiosity?
Do I make life much more difficult and complicated than it needs to be for no reason?

Or is what I believe true? Do these things matter?

I press on towards my beliefs, but the older I get and the more people around me seem to not understand why I live the way I live I begin to see myself living more and more by faith and not by sight.

It is not because I see the benefits of the way I live. Rather I could see the benefits of living against my beliefs because more people would be more comfortable around me.

It is because I believe in the way I live. I have faith that it matters. I have faith that there is purpose and meaning to the way I live. I believe in it. I really do.

It is so hard though. Logic and efficiency push back and the tension sometimes seems too great to bare. Sometimes the questions of doubt are surfaced. Why allow all of this tension? Isn't it just oppressive? Isn't it just a lot of work for no gain? Why try to swim upstream all the time when going with it is so much more simple?

But I believe this narrow path is worth exploring, worth taking, worth walking out. It is harder to love your enemies. It is harder to pay more for clothes. It is harder to wait for sex. It is the narrow path but I believe when traveled it gives life and life to the fullest. I believe through the narrow path life is actually opened up broadened. I believe if I lose my life I will find it. I think Robert Frost was right about the road not taken.

I believe what Jesus says.

Sabrepulse - A Girl I Know

05/03/15

The world was made in sport, for sports; economy is worth only a smile. There are more serious things to laugh at...Food is the daily sacrament of unnecessary goodness, ordained for a continual remembrance that the world will always be more delicious than it is useful. Necessity is the mother only of cliches. It takes playfulness to make poetry.
-Robert Farrar Capon, The Generous Ox, The Supper of the Lamb; A Culinary Reflection

This week my mind has been preoccupied with fear. The fear of a loss of control over my life, my future, my path. I suppose fear always follows that loss. Anger, in my life, is guaranteed to always follow fear. Which leads me down the all too familiar path of hurt. Hurting the one I love the most. This is the path I walk and it is well worn.

God created this life to enjoy it. Economy, money it's all a joke. The world was made in sport, for sport. And yet time and time again I find a way to make the sport into a very serious concern.

I'm afraid Bea is pregnant. I'm afraid I won't be able to provide for my family. I'm afraid my friends will find me to be a burden to be around. I'm afraid my church community will judge me. I'm afraid my parents will look down upon me. I'm afraid I will be a bad father. I'm afraid I'll be a bad husband. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid.

That fear comes out as angry and worry. It's eating me up. I'm not ready. What do I have to offer new life? It feels selfish to usher in a new life when the table isn't set for them but I wanted to preform the action that creates life.

I wanted all the control. I want the connection without the result. I want the intimacy, the expression, without the commitment.

Jesus please don't let her be pregnant. Not because I don't want her to be the mother of my child. Not because I don't want a child but because this isn't the best for our child. I want the table to be set. I want the stage to be prepped. I want to give our child the time, the love, the attention our child deserves. At this point I am not ready. What were we thinking? our actions were saying we are ready but we aren't.

Jesus I'm so afraid. What if I'm a mean dad? What if I'm bad? What if my child doesn't feel wanted?

I can't stop thinking about this. Why won't her period just hurry up and get here?
All of this worry could be for nothing. Or our lives will forever be changed.

This fear within me makes me feel like such a coward. Is this how a man should act? Am I a man? What kind of man does it take to be a father? Do I have that within me?

I just want to run. And the fact that I want to run makes me so disappointed in myself. I want to be that strong in control man. The one that can handle any and everything all the while being the rock of strength Bea can turn to as she gets worried.

But I'm not. This isn't a movie. This is reality. This is my life, our life, a new human's life. This feels really serious. What were we doing having sex in the first place? I'm not ready for that.

I am paralyzed.

mewithoutYou - Red Cow