12/31/17

I hate American politics and I hate the two party system it has somehow created. Earlier this week while I was in Chicago with Brian and Travis we somehow got on the topic. Brian of course being the sternest, and most loyal Democrat I know was obviously blindly supporting all things Democrat. Travis a self identifying "fiscal conservative, social liberal" was somewhere in between and of course myself who believes we shouldn't settle for this current structure of government and thus we must reject and protest against it until all of the lobbyist and influencers have no place in the public service realm whose goal it is to be the voice and representative of their people without self interest.

I made the statement "all politicians are the same." It's all the same everyone is in someones pocket and every decision, every policy they all come from corrupt, selfish entities. Brian, almost robotically spewed out the democratic position, "that's a very privileged thing to say." Travis avoiding conflict stayed out of it. So I texted Tem to check my privilege and hopefully get a view that isn't so party prepackaged. She instantly agreed with Brian. The more I thought about it the more I could see a bit of the perspective but I still don't like it.

When voting there are four choices we have in America
1) Democrat
2) Republican
3) Third Party
4) Abstain

If you choose to abstain then nothing is accomplished. Your vote does not harm a party nor does it help a party. Both sides could view your abstention as the reason things didn't go their way making you forever responsible for everything wrong in the country.

If you choose to vote third party you know your candidate will not win. This is a way to at least feel that your vote has power and your choice for candidate has been expressed. However again both sides could view your vote as the reason things didn't go their way making you forever the reason the people in power are the ones in power (if of course they aren't the ones the person speaking prefers.)

If you choose to vote republican then you are voting for policy and people who do not support programs and funding to help the marginalized and minorities. Every vote republican is a vote for less healthcare, less education, less food, and less housing, for those who for one reason or another may not be able to provide these human needs for themselves.

This leaves you at the same place I have found myself.

As a middle class white cis male I have no option but to vote democrat.
Because I am privileged enough to have my life not impacted in any substantial way by the man that's elected or any person in any office for that matter I can easily say all politicians are the same...because honestly, to me, they are. They are all the same because none of them impact my life directly.

But that isn't in the case for others. That isn't the case for trans people, gay people, minorities, Muslims, the poor, felons, the sick, homeless, uneducated, victims, and so many other people groups. To them it matters very very much who is in which place of power. Their lives are at stake. Depending who the mayor of New York is determines whether black men are stopped and frisked.
Depending who the Governor is in North Carolina, determines which bathroom people are forced to use.
Depending on who is the senator of Alabama determines if women feel safe in their state
Depending on who is our president determines if Muslim Americans have the right to religious freedom.

Policies, politics, public figures matter.
Not to me, but to many, many others.
Because they matter to others, and because those others are so vastly out numbered, it's my duty, my obligation as a privileged eligible voter to use my platform, to use my right to vote to help them be heard. To help them feel safe in their own country and to help them have the same opportunities and the same luxuries I have available based on nothing I have done but simply on my orientation, race, and gender.

As much as it kills me to vote and be complicit to a system that is in so many ways the reason for all of the oppression I have no other choice.

From this point on I will blindly vote democrat. I will align myself completely to the party and whoever the party endorses as their candidates. I have to because a vote for anyone or anything else is a vote against. And even if this candidate isn't the best candidate they are better than... and an extra democrat in Washington means the potential for majorities to be obtained.

I also learned about football and its affect on the brain. New York Times published an article making it hard to continue being a football fan with the way the game is played today. I'd go into my thoughts on this in more detail but I'm hungry and I want to watch game of thrones with Tem.

12/24/17

I made it to winter break, finished week 17 of teaching.

#4 – Big Trouble In Little China
ReleasedDec 01, 2017
Travis' friends Dain and Adam stop by to watch the Kurt Russell classic Big Trouble In Little China. Travis has never seen it. Dain was raised by it. But does this movie appeal to a Film Virgin?

I've spent this weekend at my parents house in Wauseon without Tyler and his wife. I had all this time to write and think this weekend and I absolutely wasted it watching white people renovate houses with my parents. Another reason I'm worried about having my summer to myself. No structure is a very bad thing for me. I need routine, I need goals, projects, or I sit. This weekend I was hoping to have some quiet time to process life and practice maybe writing something well rather than mindlessly rambling. And as you can see from what's written so far...it didn't happen.

I'm currently reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley it was published in 1932. I'm assuming it was meant as a critique on society and where it was heading thanks to the industrial revolution, Henry Ford, and assembly line manufacturing. It's interesting tho reading this 85 years later because parts of it (I assume are meant to be perceived as negative) I kind of agree with. Which maybe proves his point that in the future we will be hedonistic and moralless. In the book characters are encouraged to sleep with as many different partners as they want and monogamy is frowned upon. While I do think the book takes the idea too far (which is the purpose of science fiction, e.g. Black Mirror) the main social commentary he is picking at I don't find to be a negative. He was (I think) trying to say kids these days are just out having sex with whoever and they don't see the value in only one partner for life. While everyone should be free to choose monogamy if they'd like I in 2017 don't see anything wrong with consenting adults having sex. Do I think monogamy is bad? Definitely not, I'd love me a solid monogamous relationship for the rest of my life...but that doesn't mean I'd look at their lifestyle with abhorrence. He also mentions a bit about how they no longer practice religions specifically Christianity...again maybe not the worst thing? Haha I feel weird saying some of Huxley's warnings for society in the 1930s are proud steps of progress to me in 2017 thus proving him right about the decay of morality in future societies... but I don't like all of the changes in the book... Obviously 😑

"Tempestt I'm not ok, I think I'm really messed up"
This weekend Tyler and Brittany stayed in Columbus to host Brittany's family. for whatever reason, as my mother always does, she was listing the sleeping arrangements of the house. My ears perked up when I heard her say Brittany is in the room in the basement and Tyler is on the couch...Tyler on the couch... in his own home with his wife and her whole family. You're going to sleep on the couch in front of her family proclaiming...we don't sleep together and it's fine?! I asked my mom to confirm she said when they visit Wauseon and I'm not here (which made me wonder how many more trips home they are making than I am per year) Tyler usually sleeps in my room. To which my father replied "Yeah just like we do" I have always said my brother's marriage is exactly like my parents' but I didn't really think it was that much...
This worried me...in a panic I texted to Tem that I think I'm messed up...see these past two weeks for whatever reason near the end of the day I would begin to shut down, close off, and lock up. Tem and I would sleep silently without touching in the same room. Every morning I'd wake up frustrated and confused why I'm living like this when I clearly don't want to...Then I learn everyone in my family doesn't sleep with their significant other and it made me nervous.
Red pill and blue pill
It feels like somewhere along the way I chose to take the red pill and found I wanted a different path in life a different type of relationship with my significant other...but as I've been learning these past 14 years relationships are difficult but I'm stuck...I can not be satisfied watching TV and sleeping in different rooms...but I also have no idea how to have a relationship any other way. And what makes it worse is Tem's family is the literal polar opposite of mine...The more I think about that statement the more I feel confident it's a deep truth. I don't know how to spend this much time with someone I like...I've been taught to have massive amounts of space away from them so they don't get too close. Keep conversations on the surface...talk about sports, or the pets, or how my car is driving. Stick to the traditions and routines of life... the same movies during the same holidays and never break character in the family unit.
But I want to spend most of my time with her, and I want to spend every night cuddling, and I want to spend our time talking, learning, growing, laughing, and being vulnerable with depth. I want these things but then I seem to keep falling into this pattern of silence and distance. I know I've told you many, many times Adam do not fuck this up with Tem...she always wondered why my previous relationships would end or why they would walk away from me...maybe shes starting to see my flaws...and not just the I eat ice cream and organize my sock drawer kind of flaws...I mean the deep stuff that makes women walk away and leave me flaws. I don't want your life.
"Tempestt I'm not ok, I think I'm really messed up"

twenty one pilots - screen

12/17/17

Tomorrow is Tem's 26th birthday

2014
Hannibal Buress Called Bill Cosby a Rapist During a Stand up

“Pull your pants up black people, I was on TV in the ‘80s, Yeah, but you rape women, Bill Cosby. So turn the crazy down a couple notches.”

2016
Donald Trump On Tape: I Grab Women "By The Pussy”


January 2017 The Women's March

Uber co-founder and CEO Travis Kalanick resigned in June.

This autumn:
Harvey Weinstein
Ben Affleck
Roy Price
Chris Savino
Lockhart Steele
John Besh
James Toback
Terry Richardson
Leon Wieseltier
Knight Landesman
Mark Halperin
Ken Baker
Kevin Spacey
Jeremy Piven
Hamilton Fish
Michael Oreskes
Andy Dick
Brett Ratner
Jeff Hoover
Dustin Hoffman
David Guillod, Ed Westwick, Jeffrey Tambor, Matthew Weiner, Roy Moore, Louis C.K., Andrew Kreisberg, Eddie Berganza, Gary Goddard, Al Franken, John Conyers, Glenn Thrush, Charlie Rose, John Lasseter, Nick Carter, Matt Lauer, Garrison Keillor, Russell Simmons, Blake Farenthold, Ruben Kihuen, Warren Moon, Mario Batali, Ryan Lizza, and the list continues to grow each week.

One Mississippi - S2E5: Can't Fight This Feeling

Women in this country are slowly carving out a place for themselves, they are slowly fighting back. Before the shame of being a prude or speaking out and becoming a slut was always on the woman and now in the most incredible and courageous way women are pushing back, they are taking the power and the shame and the consequences are changing hands. We aren't there yet but I love where our country is going. I think now seeing democracy through the power of social media and hashtags has changed the game of majority rules. Like the news footage of the south being broadcast up north during the civil rights movement of the 60s opening the eyes to the lives of the oppressed and silent. Like #blacklivesmatter showing the cell phone footage of police officers murdering citizens they swore to protect and serve. and now #metoo shining a light on something we all knew has always happened but now the power has changed. 2017 has been a monumental year for women. And in the weirdest way I wonder if we have Donald Trump to thank for it... I wonder what our year would have looked like if Hilary was elected. Would it have pissed off women enough to march in the numbers they did across the country? Would it have pushed the silence breakers to come forward and tell the whole story of their predators?

Ben Roethlisberger raped a 20 year old college student in March of 2010.
"Ben asked us to go to his 'VIP' area (back of Capital). We all went with him. He said there were shots for us, numerous shots were on the bar, and he told us to take them. His bodyguard came and took my arm and said come with me, he escorted me into a side door/hallway, and sat me on a stool. He left and Ben came back with his penis out of his pants. I told him it wasn't OK, no, we don't need to do this and I proceeded to get up and try to leave. I went to the first door I saw, which happened to be a bathroom. He followed me into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. I still said no, this is not OK, and he then had sex with me. He said it was OK. He then left without saying anything."

A prosecutor decided that he would not pursue criminal charges against Roethlisberger, saying he could not prove that a crime had been committed. If this happened seven years later I have a feeling Ben would not be playing football this Sunday.

July 2003 Kobe Bryant raped a 19-year-old hotel employee in Edwards, Colorado.
Bryant admitted to an adulterous sexual encounter with his accuser, but denied the assault allegation. The case was dropped after Bryant's accuser refused to testify in the case. A separate civil suit was later filed against Bryant by the woman. This was settled out of court and included Bryant's publicly apologizing to his accuser, though admitting no guilt on his part.

Again if this happened 14 years later I think the trial might have gone differently.

We are living in a more woke society and I believe that is thanks to social media. Thanks to hashtags we are able to see the lives and lens of the oppressed and silenced. The voiceless are given a platform from which to speak. This movement will hopefully keep our leaders and celebrities accountable. Roy Moore did not win his election in a state that has voted for his party for over 20 years. People are stepping down and being removed from places of power whereas before Ben and Kobe not only continued their lives but did so essentially consequence free. I can't image what that poor woman feels every time she sees Ben Roethlisberger on TVs and jerseys all over the country. And I wonder how that hotel worker felt on Kobe's last game while the whole country congratulated and celebrated him.

Yes Hilary would have been a better president and our country would be better off without Trump in office but Trump winning the election has opened the countries eyes to the honesty of how much work we have to do. Like Brian said on twitter this week, it isn't just the south, it isn't just Alabama we all elected Trump as president through our silence, our complacency, and our delusions that we are past and beyond sexism, racism, as a whole in the country. The truth is now in our faces, and the entire world can see. We have so much work to do but the women who marched and spoke up this year in 2017, they will lead us to a better United States.

I know I started this letter saying tomorrow is Tem's birthday and I want to celebrate her for being exactly what this country needs more of smart independent educated empowered women. She's only 25 but she is so much more mature and wise than I am at 30. She's someone I look up to and I value her opinion of me a lot. When she disagrees with me or when she has a different opinion on an issue I always try to listen to her and learn from her. I'm very thankful she is in my life and I want to continue to encourage her to use her voice because her thoughts and her position in this planet are valuable and they matter. I like her a lot and I want her to have many, many more birthdays.

Week 16 of teaching complete.

Where's My Love - SYML

12/10/17

Week 15 of teaching completed

My birthday weekend thanks to Tem
I can't beleive Tem surprised me by flying Brian across the country for the weekend. She did everything for my weekend. She got all my friends together, she went to the Chinese lights with Alicia, she watched football at pins she got me those balloons and dealt with me all weekend. What an incredible woman.

She's in Dallas right now with her friend. We had a weird week
and when I say we I of course me it was all on my end.
Fucking 29 year old Adam told me not to fuck this up and I'm not even a week into my 30's and I'm already fucking it up.

She's just getting scary close. She's in my life, she knows my friends, she knows my likes, she knows (some) of my insecurities, she's gaining more and more power. She means more and more to me and I don't like that...I don't like when people can hurt me.

I'm afraid she'll see too much, know to much, learn who the real outdoor, hiking, camping, gardening, teaching, manbun man really is and she'll lose interest... I struggle to trust her when she says she likes me, when she says she enjoys being with me this isn't her fault...This is a me problem...It's the same one that has destroyed all my relationships.

Now my trust issues are hurting her, because I don't trust that she really likes me I'm pulling back, prepping for the end which is hurting her, which will actually lead to the end, only continuing to fulfill my trust issues...

I'm not doing this with her, to her, I like her so much she is everything I could want in a life partner. She seems trust worthy...she's never given me a reason not to trust her.

It kills me to be a reason for sleeplessness in her life. I don't want to be a burden. I want to be an oasis, a retreat, not a reason to retreat. I feel selfish for the way I acted this week.

I can do this.
I don't want to be alone.
I don't want my parents' marriage.
I am capable of trusting someone.
I am capable of letting them in.
I want Tem.
Don't fuck this up Adam.

My parents have always slept in different rooms, I don't ever want to be in the same bed without touching even under the same roof... Adam, you're 30...your life is flying by you...today could be your last day...why the fuck would you not hold her...why would you not kiss every inch of her face celebrating not only her existence but what an incredible human she is. She needs to know how special she is, she needs to know how rare she is, she needs to know if given the choice, we'd always, always, choose her. We need to express to her outwardly the value she holds inwardly.

I have this fear, this fear of looking back and wondering why I didn't do more. Don't let a cold 8 minute walk keep you from her, be thankful it's only 8, be thankful you have the luxury of that walk, the health for that walk. Don't let insecurities, trust issues, and yourself get in the way of not just your happiness but hers. Put your phone down and look at her beautiful eyes, that smile, and that perfect skin. Make her laugh more, listen better. We only get one life and I want to spend it with someone as fun, pretty, smart, motivated, interesting, poetic, gentle, funny, royal, and beautiful as Tem is. You've wasted your childhood and 20's being afraid and selfish I won't let you waste your 30's...who tf knows if I'll even get every day of them like I did my 20's.

She's been gone since Friday morning and when you see her tomorrow evening she better feel, not just hear but feel how much you missed her this weekend.



Black Mothers Keep Dying After Giving Birth. Shalon Irving's Story Explains Why
black mothers in the U.S. die at three to four times the rate of white mothers
a black woman is 22 percent more likely to die from heart disease than a white woman, 71 percent more likely to perish from cervical cancer, but 243 percent more likely to die from pregnancy- or childbirth-related causes.
black, college-educated mothers who gave birth in local hospitals were more likely to suffer severe complications of pregnancy or childbirth than white women who never graduated from high school.
33 percent of black women said that they personally had been discriminated against because of their race when going to a doctor or health clinic, and 21 percent said they have avoided going to a doctor or seeking health care out of concern they would be racially discriminated against.
"It's the experience of having to work harder than anybody else just to get equal pay and equal respect. It's being followed around when you're shopping at a nice store, or being stopped by the police when you're driving in a nice neighborhood."
research even suggests it accelerates aging at the molecular level; in a 2010 study Geronimus and colleagues conducted, the telomeres (chromosomal markers of aging) of black women in their 40s and 50s appeared 7 1/2 years older on average than those of whites.
Black women are 49 percent more likely than whites to deliver prematurely (and, closely related, black infants are twice as likely as white babies to die before their first birthday). Here again, income and education aren't protective.
"As women get older, birth outcomes get worse," Lu said. "If that happens in the 40s for white women, it actually starts to happen for African-American women in their 30s."


Lil Yachty - Like A Star

12/02/17

Dear 31 year old Adam,

I've just turned 30. It took every last day of my 20's to get here. The start of this year I lost my health insurance and I became unemployed. I got a membership at planet fitness and it's the worst gym. They don't have any of the equipment I want...like a simple bench press rack...but it's $10 a month and I was unemployed in the winter. I began my student teaching at Leawood Elementary the week of MLK day. It was a lot of fun working with those 3rd graders and learning a lot about blended learning. Donald Trump was actually inaugurated at the president of the country I live in...and yes it has been every bit as terrible as he promised it would be. Nazis and KKK members marching in the streets under the guise of "Free Speech." I went to Colorado in March. During that trip my mom called to let me know my dad's mother (my grandmother) had passed away. The trip was a lot of fun spending the days hiking by myself in the mountains and spending the evenings with my friends around the high brow ski towns. I wonder how dad feels to not have either of his parents alive. This will be his first Christmas without his mother, how strange. I was offered a kindergarten position at Africentric in April after being hired by the district at the job fair. I finished my program at Ashland in May. I backpacked some of the AT in the Smoky mountains during memorial day weekend. Brian Jared and I camped in Cuyahoga Valley in June that trip was less than interesting. Maryland in July for our yearly Atlantic trip. Claire moved to the middle east and Melissa got married so Travis and I moved to German village in Mid July/ early August. I started teaching in late August and it's been a lot but I knew it would be. Brian moved to Seattle this summer and that has sucked, Dain moved to Chicago.

Things I'm doing now:
It's crazy to read 29 year old Adam's letter to me when he said, "I'm so excited to become a teacher. When you read this you will hopefully be one!" Because I'm sitting here right now, 31 year old Adam, and I am exactly what he hoped we'd be. I've been seeing Tem for four months now, this is the longest I've been talking to someone exclusively since the summer of 2015. And I think this is the first time I've been seeing someone on my birthday since...fuck maybe high school? I know 29 year old Adam wanted me to be seeing someone when I write this letter and I am although it's much more complicated than I think he would have liked it to be I think he'd be very happy to know it's Tem and it certainly isn't settling. Please 31 year old Adam tell me you didn't fuck this thing up when you read this. Please don't. She's amazing in every way. I won't gush about her because if you fuck it up the last thing you need is a reminder from me about how great this time of our life has been. We did Halloween together I went out as an organized costume group like you've always wanted. We have been doing a lot of those couples things you've wanted for a while with someone worth doing it with...she's more than I could have asked for. I'm working the job that I've wanted for the past two years. It's been amazing, it's crazy to be cashing these fat ass checks every other week but most of it has just been going towards the Ashland debt. I'm sure 32 year old Adam will thank me and you when he's debt free. Things I'm doing now? as sad as it is my schedule still feels as full as if I were in grad school because of the late nights at the school figuring out what I'm suppose to be doing. I should probably spend more time with my friends before they all get married off and I never see them.

Things I hope you're doing:
Another terrible job practicing guitar please tell me you did a better job in 2018, at least over summer break, what else are you going to do with that time off? I hope you're still with Tem maybe it's official by now? maybe? Still haven't gotten those pebbles and jars, I do need to do that. I hope you're going to the gym 3 times a week however you decided to work that schedule out. I hope you're balancing friends, work, and girlfriend (if you have one) I know it can be easy to let one of the three atrophy. Please don't, get as much out of this one ride as you can. This summer I hope you actually garden weekly if not more since you aren't working. I also hope you fill your classroom with plants in your second year once we can start breathing a bit. Iceland or New Zealand once you flip the coin it'll be down to the loser and Machu Picchu for 2019. I know 29 year old Adam wanted me to read more Berry but it turns out Tem took me to hear him read to me! That's how amazing she is in case you forgot please don't ever forget. As for the 100 greatest novels of all time list I've finished 5 of them...a bit of a way to go but it's a start. Please at least get another 5 done. As 29 year old Adam said to me last year, Don't become hard cement stay flexible and open to ideas and lenses. I hope you're working on your science and social studies lesson plans this second year. Please tell me you've found a way to combine writing, reading, and science/social studies there isn't enough time in the day to do it any other way. I hope you got the courage to finally cut the manbun. It's been a good ride, but we need to move on...it was more of a late 20's Adam thing...I hope you're spending more time with friends than I have this fall since teaching started. Please at least watch the 1pm Sunday games with Neuy. Life has been good. I've been thinking 2017 might have been the best year of my life. I hope 2018 will be.

Things I've learned since turning 29:
This winter I learned I really do love teaching. Student teaching has been an amazing experience and I can't wait to have more control in my own classroom hopefully this fall. I'm kind of nervous about my 30's it looks like my circle of friends is growing smaller and smaller. But I'm also realizing I'm too much of an introvert to care enough to go out and meet people, or even ask existing friends if they'd like to hang out. Lately if I feel the desire to do something I won't invite anyone else I'll just go do it by myself. It feels like it's only a matter of time before my friends in their thirties decide to get married. The idea of this fills me with anxiety. I miss those days where my place was filled with roommates all of us just spending weekends together hanging out. My number went up to 9 way too fast. Kelly, Maya, Ericca, Lauren, Sarah, Elizabeth, Emily, Emily, Brittney So I decided to give up looking. I've also started to embrace what it means to be an introvert. I'm not sure if it is only because it is winter but I've spent most of this first quarter of the year locked in my room especially once I decided to give up the search for a girlfriend. I'm not sure what this next stage of life will look like. Will I slowly grow apart from my friends I've known my whole life? Will I meet a woman who makes being with someone seem better than being alone? I don't know but one thing I do know, I found a career. I found something that makes me excited about Mondays and pays the bills. Isn't that the goal when it comes to a career? (March 20 First day of Spring) This spring I finished my grad school program at Ashland. I not only finished student teaching but I also landed a job at Africentric teaching kindergarten. Currently I am back full time at the VECC I was working in the after school program with the K-2 classroom then I joined Mandi and Misty in A12 and now starting next week I will be back in A01 with the prek class as a lead while Beulah goes home to India for the summer. I spent this spring enjoying being single. Embracing the single life finally. Tempestt and I failed at not communicating so she cut me out and it has made these past few weeks very difficult. I guess I'm getting off topic, I learned I have very strong feelings towards her and it seems I will never have the chance to express them. I learned where I will be teaching for the next three years. I learned how difficult backpacking can be and that I need much lighter gear. I cut off my manbun and learned that I want that long hair back. Also that nine went up to 10 Ashleigh . I learned that marriage may not be for me and maybe a serious relationship might not either. (June 21 First day of Summer) 10 went to 11 Miriam Summer was a big change in my life. I changed jobs, apartments, and friends moved away. I learned that German Village is kinda too far south, and I learned that some intersections (mainly Mohawk and Kossuth) smell like sewage often. 11 went to 12 Jasmine I learned that loyalty is a deep character trait within myself. After Alicia wasn't allowed to work at the VECC I made her last day, my last day. 12 went to 13 Pritha. I also learned that justice is something important to me. In my two weeks notice I exposed somethings that were not right in the VECC and a few weeks later both the director and the assistant director were let go. I learned that teaching takes up a lot of time. SLOs, RIMPs, KRA, MAP, ILEAD, PAR, RESA, PDs, CEA working to the rule, and just the general task of building a curriculum and prepping each day. But with that I learned that I really enjoy teaching. I learned that all the work is worth it and I'm excited for my second year and to see how the rest of this school year goes. I'm slowly getting the hang of it but these 13 hour days can't be sustainable. I learned Tempestt is everything she seemed to be through messages. I think probably 95% of my days spent living in German Village I have seen her in someway, walking through Schiller, drinks at Mohawk, Big Brother finale on my couch, Club Diversity with Vanessa, and so on. She's a truly wonderful human. (September 22 First day of Autumn) And here we are again, another birthday. 30 complete laps around the sun. Work has been getting easier I've been getting out of work earlier and earlier bit by bit as I figure out my routine and what's working for this particular class. What are the things I've learned? I think I've learned how much I've grown by talking with Tem. I guess I left this part out when I wrote here the first day of autumn but Tem and I started communicating again when we both, through fate or whatever you'd like, moved to German Vilage. She decided to separate with her husband after years of abuse whether that be verbal, emotional, intimidating, and sometimes physical. That couldn't have been easy for her and I can't imagine what it must have felt like to not feel comfortable and safe in your own home to have the variable of not knowing what will happen when the person who vowed to protect you and keep you safe walks in the door and consistently breaks those vows. But she's stronger and more self sufficient than I think she even knows. The more things we go through the more I see I am able to communicate honestly and healthily with her. I'm not sure if I've grown or it's just how amazing she is. She's very easy to get along with and spending time with her is so easy and natural. In fact I'm struggling to sit here and think of something thoughtful when I know Tem is almost home and I want to go to her place and see her. I've learned life is better shared with someone and I've known that who that someone is makes all the difference on whether life is better shared or alone. 31 year old Adam...Please remember to take a step back. Remember to let the small things go. Remember to trust the words of those you care about. Remember to breathe. Don't let insecurities destroy and take from you the things that are truly important in life. Remember to invest in the people that make this life so amazing. Yes that means you should probably buy surprise gifts for Hendye and Roma, yes that means you should be working your ass off to surprise Tem and listen to her to come up with those surprises. Try to express to her how much she means to us. 28 year old Adam would lose his mind if he knew how this has played out since that bachelor party last summer. Anyway, Adam, love yourself, love those around you and remember unexpressed gratitude is ingratitude. I love you Adam, everything will be alright. I hope this letter finds you well.

My 20's: A decade in photos

1987 Born
1988 00
1989 01
1990 02
1991 03
1992 04
1993 05 Started Grade School
1994 06
1995 07
1996 08
1997 09
1998 10
1999 11
2000 12
2001 13
2002 14
2003 15
2004 16
2005 17
2006 18 Graduated High School
2007 19
2008 20
2009 21
2010 22 Graduated College
2011 23
2012 24
2013 25
2014 26
2015 27
2016 28
2017 29 Ohio Early Childhood Teaching License

11/26/17

The Baby Daddy, the Husband, and the Homewrecker

Last Friday night after Claire's housewarming party Tem and I went to her friend's to check out her new apartment and to meet another friend's husband.

We started playing the self conscious oral health inducing game, speak out. It was the women vs the men. It seemed strange three men thrown together in an apartment our only commonality was the women we like are friends with one another.

The baby daddy kept passive aggressively fighting with the future mother of his child taking jabs about using duct tape to hang everything and apparently preplanned discussions about taking pictures or not.
The husband seemed in good spirits for some reason bringing up his wife's previous expeditions blacking out and his subsequent carrying of her out gas stations.
The homewrecker ate an entire pint of ice cream that belonged to the host, unapologetically

I wonder what we thought of each other and what we thought of each other's relationships
I know at least how I feel about them
I wonder what the baby daddy thinks of the homewrecker, I wonder what he thinks of the husband, and I wonder how he feels living in this city away from his life creating a new one for his circumstances. I wonder if he thinks about it each morning when he wakes up or late at night before he goes to bed. The husband, He's known the women in the room longer than the other men by many years. I wonder his thoughts on these women we like, I wonder his views on the men in comparison to previous relationships. I wonder what the story looks like through his lens how things have played out. I suppose I wonder these same things about the women. How do they feel about their friends and how their friends' lives have been unfolding. How do they feel about their own lives, are any of the people at this table happy? If they could wipe their 20's clean and start fresh would they be at this table tonight? I wonder what the women think of their friends' significant others are they happy for each other, do they have concerns they'd like to voice but, don't?

I wonder if I think too much and I just need to chill the fuck out.
Life is so very strange.

Thanksgiving 2017 in Wauseon, Ohio.

I drove to Wauseon the morning of Thanksgiving. I arrived, we ate, we watched TV during the meal. After the meal we began the tradition of putting the tree up...Tyler put in Christmas Vacation as we did it. I'm not sure why my brother is so set in these strange traditions...I know what anyone who knows me would think about that statement from me...but it's different. I have no problem with the tradition of putting up the tree after the meal. Everything being the same...It's the fact that we have to watch that 28 year old movie EVERY YEAR...yeah it's funny I get it but maybe let it breathe for a year or two, maybe I want to watch the Cowboys game...Afterwards he said we have to watch Home Alone...again a 27 year old movie... I won't go into my families love of the television being on because it does help fill the silence that might create conflict to talk about the NFL players taking a knee because I'm sure my family is sick of hearing my big city liberal rants. I'm sure they don't even listen to me when I speak.

After the tree was set everyone went to bed and Black Friday arrived. I really wanted to slip back to Columbus but I knew I should put in some time with my family. My dad picked up a shift working at the hospitals kitchen. As he informed us yesterday he only takes the shifts of those who work hard at the hospital he wouldn't take a "bum's shift"

On our way to Toledo my mother started oversharing some issues she's been having with my dad since the store was closed. She mentioned a virus on the computer he wouldn't tell her the source of it...She mentioned his near $100 tabs at the local bar while she's out of town visiting her family...Why he wouldn't go with her to visit her family...I don't know but I'm not surprised... She starts talking about how his income at the moment is about $500 every two weeks... It felt strange hearing my mother complain about her marriage to my brother and I. I tried to pace out a few "huhs" and "yeahs" while Tyler stayed completely silent and out of it...I should have turned to Tyler and said if you want to save this family they are going to need at least one grand kid out of you and Brittany it's been over 5 years of marriage after probably another 4 or so years of dating...

We finished our shopping got back home just as Doug was returning from work. I hugged them all goodbye and left for Columbus.

I wonder how my dad feels...I wouldn't even know how to begin to have a deep conversation with my father. I've never had one in my life with him. I'm not even sure I know who he is, the kind of man he is.

Week 13 of teaching completed.

Novo Amor & Ed Tullett - Terraform

11/19/17

...Getting up, he hurried into his study, returned at once with two cigarette lighters which he set down on the coffee table. "Look at these. Look the same, don't they? Well, listen. One has historicity in it." He grinned at her. "Pick them up. Go ahead. One's worth oh, maybe forty or fifty thousand dollars on the collectors' market."
The girl gingerly picked up the two lighters and examined them.
"Don't you feel it?" he kidded her, "The historicity?"
She said, "What is 'historicity'?"
"When a thing has history in it. Listen. One of these two Zippo lighters was in Franklin D. Roosevelt's pocket when he was assassinated. And one wasn't. One has historicity, a hell of a lot of it. As much as any object ever had. And one has nothing, Can you feel it?" He nudged her. "You can't. You can't tell which is which. There's no 'mystical plasmic presences,' no 'aura' around it."
"Gee," the girl said, awed. "Is that really true? That he had one of those on him that day?"
"Sure. And I know which it is. You see my point. It's all a big racket; they're playing it on themselves. I mean a gun goes through a famous battle, like the Meuse-Argonne, and it's the same as if it hadn't, unless you know. It's in here." He tapped his head. "In the mind, not the gun. I used to be a collector. In fact, that's how I got into this business. I collected stamps. Early British colonies."
The girl now stood at the window, her arms folded, gazing out at the lights of downtown San Francisco. "My mother and dad used to say we wouldn't have lost the war if he had lived," she said.
"Okay," Wyndam-Matson went on. "Now suppose say last year the Canadian Government or somebody, anybody, finds the plates from which some old stamp was printed. And the ink. And a supply of --"
"I don't believe either of those two lighters belonged to Franklin Roosevelt," the girl said.
Wyndam-Matson giggled. "That's my point! I'd have to prove it to you with some sort of document. A paper of authenticity. And so it's all a fake, a mass delusion. The paper proves its worth, not the object itself!"
-The Man in the High Castle Chapter 5 By Philip K. Dick

Last Saturday I got one of the best birthday presents ever and definitely the best non birthday birthday present ever. Tem took me to see Wendell Berry speak in Kentucky.

I have to be honest I wasn't has excited to see him as I was the idea that she thought of and wanted to take me to see him speak. That was amazing.

When we arrived in this small town we were early. We grabbed some lunch at a bar downtown and walked over to the Berry Center to hear him. The place was small and packed the room was hot with still air. We listened to four or so other poets before he went on. One of them retold a story about taking his friend to a cemetery to grieve and when they arrived there were two unmarked graves the person didn't know which to grieve in front of. This reminded me of the quote above. How strange we as humans put meaning on things that would otherwise be meaningless without the information in our heads. It's just a headstone until someone tells you who lies beneath.

Wendell spoke last and his entrance was everything I wanted it to be. He was simply sitting in the front row of the crowd all along. He stood up and read some of his work.

I can't seem to find the title of the first piece it was about fields and woods and the importance of leaving the woods beside the man made fields. I loved it and I can't seem to find it.

The second was The Sycamore

In the place that is my own place, whose earth
I am shaped in and must bear, there is an old tree growing,
a great sycamore that is a wondrous healer of itself.
Fences have been tied to it, nails driven into it,
hacks and whittles cut in it, the lightning has burned it.
There is no year it has flourished in
that has not harmed it. There is a hollow in it
that is its death, though its living brims whitely
at the lip of the darkness and flows outward.
Over all its scars has come the seamless white
of the bark. It bears the gnarls of its history
healed over. It has risen to a strange perfection
in the warp and bending of its long growth.
It has gathered all accidents into its purpose.
It has become the intention and radiance of its dark fate.
It is a fact, sublime, mystical and unassailable.
In all the country there is no other like it.
I recognize in it a principle, an indwelling
the same as itself, and greater, that I would be ruled by.
I see that it stands in its place and feeds upon it,
and is fed upon, and is native, and maker.
-Wendell Berry

I literally heard this man read this poem. That's something no one can take from me and it's something beautifully given to me by Tem.

We walked around the center, we saw this man's life's work. We saw his awards, shelf after shelf of his books a photograph of President Obama, Michelle, and Wendell.

What an amazing life and yet how unbelievably lackluster.
I loved it. I love how this poet chooses to stay in his town in Kentucky. I love how he sits front row not back stage. I love how he allows old friends to interrupt his reading even though he's the whole reason for the occasion.

Afterwards we visited Alan and the night had me laughing uncontrollably it would have been the capstone for the weekend if it wasn't only Saturday. Sunday we went to see Waitress together and that was generous of her to invite me, not because of the price of the ticket (although that was very generous) but to allow me to share in something meaningful to her. For her to open that part of herself up to me I know how much that show means to her on many levels. For her to invite me into that was very generous it was the perfect ending to a perfect non birthday gift weekend.

Yesterday Tem told me she feels lucky to have me in her life. Her eyes fixed on mine her sweatshirt sweatpants comfortable beautiful self close to me, those words coming from someone I desire to hear them from felt better than anything physical.

That moment.
I like her a lot.
I wanted that moment all day, all week.
Cats, comforters, calm music, cuddling.
The perfect way to spend a gray Columbus Saturday.

I drove her to the airport, I was less than pleased to take her to be taken away. The drive was irritably brief. I handed her luggage to her and the farewell didn't seem fair and I certainly wasn't well.

Friday I tell myself, She'll come back (I trust) Friday.

I can not wait to see her again.

Natalia Lafourcade - Tú sí sabes quererme

11/12/17

I'm starting to like Tem more and more, like a lot.
I don't know, this makes me nervous because there's only one way to go once it gets on this level and that's to fuck it up and lose this amazing woman.

I'm liking her more, which means I'm wanting her around more, which means she's in my life more, which means she's becoming a part of me. Two things could happen.
1: I start taking her for granted which a couple weeks ago I was already nervous about that happening.
2: I start getting more and more insecure around her because she sees more of me and means more to me.

I guess there's a third option where this just keeps getting better, we keep seeing more of each other and learning more...but I think trust is hard for the both of us and I think the more the other means to us the more anxiety is instilled in the trust. No one wants to be the trusting one in the relationship while the other one isn't feeling it as much.

It's a Trust Cold War
who will press the button first?

Or maybe that's just how I think and that probably isn't healthy. As soon as something starts to be too good to be true my instincts tell me it'll come crashing down so you might as well start backing out now to soften the fall.

I don't want to view this in that way. I want to trust her, she says the best things, she says all the things I want to her but I've also been told these things before and they usually precede the break up talk followed by a lot of "I did mean those things...when I said them"

Tem is just so perfect. She's so amazing I keep finding myself taking her for granted.
It's almost too natural and too easy to be with her.

She makes me forget that past relationships would have fought about things we seem to laugh about. Past relationships would have butted heads on certain minor things that we seem to roll right through.

Last week, after brunch at the German Village Coffee shop we split ways to change our clothes before we went on a hike while the weather was warm and the leaves were beautiful. After we split I couldn't stop thinking about how I wasn't thinking about how amazing she is.

We waited for brunch for over an hour and it seemed like 3 minutes. I wanted to spend the day with her and she wanted that too. I picked a metro park and she was cool with it. We both wanted to get a drink out and wind down with a movie after... If we have something we disagree on we solve it without a fight, and actually it isn't a compromise or at least it doesn't feel like a compromise it feels like we understand where the other is coming from so we both want it.

I don't know how else to describe whatever is happening other than I must be taking her for granted.

I'm worried about a birthday present for her, I'm worried about a Christmas present for her... I can't begin to express how I feel about her through a gift.

I try to look her in the eyes and tell her I really like her, I try to tell her this is so great but my words don't seem to quite scratch the itch, they don't exactly express the sensation of having her in my life. She not only gets along with my friends but my friends like her and her friends are all great.

I've had past relationships where all their friends say we aren't good together. Or mind say it about us but this isn't anything like that.

Tem is amazing, We've been hanging out constantly it seems for three and a half months and it feels like it's only been three weeks and it feels like it's not nearly been enough time with her every time we are together. Last weekend when the work week started I didn't want her to go. I didn't want the weekend to end even though I had neglected all my planning and responsibilities to get more time with her, it wasn't enough.

It never is.
What the hell is happening to me?

Who. Is. She.

Sara Bareilles and the Broadway Cast of Waitress Perform

11/05/17

“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Monday: Leave my place at 7:25am didn't step over the threshold until 10:00pm
Tuesday: Leave at 6:30 get home at 7:00pm spend some time with Travis venting about children disrespecting us and how powerless we are in our own careers, find out my debit card number was stolen, call and sort that out.
Wednesday: Leave at 7:25 and get home around 7:00pm again prepare and eat dinner work on my budget for the month of October tweet to my friends I haven't seen in over a week about pizza
Thursday: Leave at 7:25 drive up to Westerville after work around 7:00 find out my friend is going to be a dad in March, which means they have been pregnant for around 4 months and I had no idea. Catch up and drive back down past downtown get to sleep around 11:30
Friday: Leave at 6:30 step through my front door around 6:00pm Uber on it's way to pick me up around 6:10 out drinking

...exhusted
worn thin
running on fumes

I am tired

But I don't know what to do. I don't want to cut anything out of my schedule. I refuse to be the person who comes home watches TV and repeats.

That will not be my story and my life.

But it feels like my plate is too full

gym
teaching
friends
planning
Tempestt
message parents
her friends
document behaviors
groceries
collect student data
debt
student learning objectives
football
teacher based team
brunch
grade cards are due
birthday parties
PAR person observing my classroom for evaluation

I. am. thin.

My old job I use to show up 5 minutes before I had to be with the kids, now I show up an hour and fifteen minutes before. My old job I use to leave the minute I was off. Now I stay 3 hours later.

But I don't have much to show for that time.
I still have so much to do.
I spend my days looking forward to seeing my friends and Tempestt when I leave but when I finally leave all I can think about is rest. sleep. tomorrow.
No one else feels like this, everyone around me wants to go. Stay out, keep drinking, what's wrong with you? Constantly getting called boring because I'm tired, constantly getting called old because I'm yawning with a bedtime of 10pm. Trying to force my body to do everything I want to do in a day but failing.

I end up being frustrated and angry at my limitations and I get looks from the group like I'm not having fun because I'm tired. Then I make people end their nights earlier than they want because I can't go anymore. Friday I woke up excited to finally see Tempestt after four nights of not seeing her. I had 100% energy to see her, hold her, kiss her at the end of the night. After work I was feeling more like 50% I still want to at least kiss for a bit...by the end of the evening out I wasn't sure if I'd have enough energy to take my contacts out...I was contemplating resting my head and eyes for a bit at the bar...

that's frustrating.
People I care about aren't getting the time and attention I believe they deserve from me. I want to give them.
I'm not even giving myself the self care I need.
I haven't shaved this week.
I use to read a book I was interested in at least a chapter a day if not more.
My classroom is even getting the short end of the stick I feel my lessons are unprepared and disorganized. I feel like I need to make more visual cues but where the fuck is the time?
The curriculum moves so fast if I spend 2 hours making a perfect lesson with visual prompts on Reading then I still need to do the same for math, language arts, science, and social studies. Then Friday comes around and I need to scrap that move on to the next topics creating all new resources for the 5 subjects all over again.

During instruction I have students who can count to 100 and I have some that can't count to 4. I have students who can read a level 3 book and some who are pre level A. All the while attempting to keep every student engaged and tracking progress, recording data, and attempting to keep the screaming angry crying child in the back of the room away from the rest of the students so no one gets hurt.

scarfing down a .30 bowl of ramen during my 5 minute lunch and trying to drink water as I feel light headed from yelling to keep control of the room.

Exhausted.
And poor Tempestt the one I want to feel the most cared for and the most attention towards ends up feeling hurt and confused as my daily wick is burned to smoke by the time I get time for her and we both part ways feeling our needs aren't met.

But I don't want to be a half ass teacher. It's not why I spent that year and a half in my attic room studying and writing papers until 10 each night. It's not why I broke up with Kelly to focus more on earning that 4.0 I didn't sign with Columbus City Schools so that they could have another burned out exhausted teacher who speaks poorly of their class and lowers expectations. It's not why I wanted to be a teacher and it isn't what I will be to these future generations. I will give them the knowledge they need to succeed in future grade levels. I will give them a perception of school that is fun and challenging. I will lay a solid foundation for a life long career of learning not just k-12 or college but beyond that.

And I don't want to be a lump on a couch after work. I refuse to write my story that way. I don't know how to solve these issues. I don't know how to balance it all but I want it all and I will have it all. I want a life well lived and I will have that life. It will be filled with successful students, friends who know how much they mean to me, and my own needs and wants for my life to be met.

I held the better cards
But every stroke of luck has got to bleed through
It's got to bleed through
You held the balance of the time
That only blindly I could read you
But I could read you
It's like you told me
Go forward slowly
It's not a race to the end

I saw the part of you
That only when you're older you will see too
You will see too

Flora Cash - You're Somebody Else

10/29/17

First 9 Weeks Done.

Last week I was at Highball with Alicia and Maya. We made our way to the main stage to watch the performance and the fashion costumes. Once we squeezed our way into the middle of the crowd facing the stage we stood and watched the show.
My mind flashed to Vegas...
Here we are, a giant crow of spectators surrounded by tall buildings...
What if...
What if started to fill my mind
What would I do? Where would we go?
How could I make sure these two women I am with are safe?
How would we not get separated?
How would we not get trampled?
Or how would we not get shot?

This isn't the first time I've had this thought flash in my mind.
I was driving with Tempestt once and I heard a loud bang, instantly my mind thought there was a shooter and I had to drive her to safety I had to gas it and push through traffic if necessary. But it wasn't gunfire and her view of me instantly slouched below the wheel trying to find the direction of fire looked ridiculous.

But this is the world I live in. This is the America I am in. At any moment we could be attacked. Terrorist from another country, terrorist from down the street, could be anytime anywhere because most of the attacks are random acts of violence without purpose of a specific target.

"Alas! there are some wounds that cannot be wholly cured," said Gandalf.
"I fear it may be so with mine," said Frodo. "There is no real going back. Though I may come to the Shire, it will not seem the same; for I shall not be the same. I am wounded with knife, sting, and tooth, and a long burden. Where shall I find rest?”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

[From the book I'll never write that jumps straight to the dramatic part]

Let's go, we can go on an adventure together, one that will be our own. You've said so many times how you love to explore, it never gets old let's do it together for once.

It's different now.

What's different about it? Come on I know of a place

You don't understand...you never understand and you CAN'T understand...Adventures, exploring, it is all just innocent fun for you...but it's different for me...it's different now...than before.

...Let me help you, Let me fix this

ha, I'm not sure this works like that

How does it work, if I could understand...maybe I could help...

I think that's the point, if you think you can understand, it only proves how much you couldn't.

...But don't you like the beach?

yes

Don't you like the ocean?

yes, yes to all of it but, ugh you just don't get it you beautiful ignorant person,
I like all of it but once you've been on adventures, once you've been pulled to places you don't want to go, once you've seen places you didn't want to it changes things...yes it is the same, the ocean is still magnificent, the beach is still wonderful but it isn't them that has changed, it's me, it's my lens. There comes a moment where adventures aren't adventures anymore, they became tours of duty they are business trips.

...you're right maybe I can't understand...We don't have to go anywhere, I mean since I've met you we haven't, what's staying longer matter, I just like you near me no matter where.

It's interesting, different people value adventures for different reasons. Some only value them for the self fulfillment. As long as they reach the summit nothing else matters.

...Some adventure like that?

yeah, some do

...can I hold your hand?


Sam Smith - Too Good At Goodbyes

10/22/17

8th week of school finished. First Quarter grades are due November 2nd.

#SavetheCrew

This week the owner of the Columbus MLS team the Crew announced that if they didn't get a new stadium downtown he would move the team to Austin Texas.

Columbus Crew Stadium, built in 1999, it was the first soccer-specific stadium built by a Major League Soccer team, starting an important trend in MLS stadium construction. The stadium is named for Madrid-based Mapfre Insurance after the company signed a sponsorship agreement announced on March 3, 2015.

If the crew somehow stay and the stadium stays eventually it will go down as a historic landmark being the first soccer-specific professional stadium built in America a very cool thing to have.

I like the crew, I want them to stay but I have to be honest I haven't been the best fan. I've been a handful of times and usually on a discount night. Columbus isn't a real city so an MLS team seems like the perfect fit. The city is a college football town which is perfect when the MLS season goes through the summer.

Friday night we went out in the short north, Bodega, This woman came up to us asking for help with her hair tie stuck in her hair (very relateable) One of the servers stepped in and said she would handle it. Moments later after a loud crash the demeanor of the hair tie woman had changed, the body language of the server was less than friendly and cherries and berries were lighting up the walls as the police arrived.

It felt strange, not that this woman was creating a scene but that everyone in the bar gawked and talked (myself included) In moments like these it feels like such a herd mentality. Like we are all sheep. It reminded me of the man at Zenos who stumbled and bumbled around endlessly talking to me. It reminded me of all of my friends back at the pantry. Poverty, trauma, and mental health all seem to go hand in hand. We as young adults wanting to enjoy the nightlife in the city without having to deal with the realities of a city are ridiculously unequipped. I doubt any of those bars downtown have trainings on how to deescalate a situation or trauma informed reactions.

I have always said this but honestly two wrong turns in life possibly even turns that are out of my own control and I am that homeless person arguing in a bar bathroom. Lets say I broke my leg and my medical doctor prescribed me an addictive legal opioid pill suddenly my body is craving this chemical and it's controlling my decisions to the point where I lose my job, my friends, and I'm on the street doing anything to curb my opioid addiction.

What if my parents both died in a car crash leaving me to grow up without relatives around putting me in the foster system where I'm never adopted, craving community and family and needed financial help I turn to theft and robbery after my criminal record reaches a point I'm unemployable living on the streets growing bitter as I watch young people my age party every night ignoring me on the sidewalk or messing with me while recording on their phones.

We are a suburban generation wanting to live in the city, without any of the realities of the city to bother us.

I'm uncomfortable when I see the panhandlers waiting by the off ramps, I'm uncomfortable when I see the mentally ill shouting from the street corner at no one at all, I'm uncomfortable walking to my gym at the residents from the YMCA congregate near the stoop. I'm uncomfortable when a woman needs help getting her hair tie out.

But it isn't wrong to feel uncomfortable, the question is, something inside of me is signaling, something inside of me is reacting to what I'm experiencing in my environment and my uncomfortable manner is an internal call to action. I have the choice to ignore, avoid eye contact and walk by, or I have the choice to engage. It could be as simple as a smile with eye contact, to tell the person, I see you and yes you exist even though it might feel like your invisible at times when everyone walks past. It could be as easy as tossing a dollar. Or it could be as intricate and stopping my evening plans for a moment to get in an uncomfortable, unknown conversation with a person on the street.

A person whose gotten where they are because of circumstances, some controllable, others out of their control.

It doesn't make the person any less than me.
It doesn't make me any better because my lot in life played out this way.
As I've mentioned before, not all people are created equal.

We, the people who have chosen the city over the suburbs have an obligation to act when we feel that uncomfortable condition. We may have no training, we may not know what to do, but we can start with a kind smile and asking how they are doing and we can learn from our own mistakes and successes understanding that every person and situation is different but ignoring is one of the most hurtful forms of communication.
No one wants to feel ignored.

Tempestt has talked about gift cards, bus passes, and such, and I really like those ideas, why haven't I done it yet? She's an amazing woman.

I hope I made the impression
That I was always interested
All the feelings I kept in
What should we do?
Whatever you want to

Therapy - Khalid

10/15/17

Granted.

How do I accurately and fully express my feelings towards an other?
Otherness, this idea of free will and freedom, one of my most fundamental beliefs. It is one of the cornerstones that makes Adam Adam. One of my earliest wrestling of this idea was written down over five years ago on here February 19th 2012. My theology may have changed a lot over the past five years but this wrestling with otherness certainly hasn't. It was only gotten more interesting to me.

Trust, otherness, respect, and affection
These are very real and very internal feelings.
the self
only the self truly knows how I trust, and my affections
the other
This is the person I want to express these internal feelings towards
but they have their own interpretations and expectations.

transmitting
trusting
receiving
transmitter trust

The four step process I wrote about back in February of 2015.

I actually still strongly believe everything I wrote on that day, in fact I'm actually impressed I was able to express my thoughts so well in that letter. I usually feel frustrated that I've only accomplished expressing 10% of how I feel but there I feel expressed and hopefully heard.

But now over two years later I'd like to amend my thoughts. I'd like to talk about another risk in communication.

All is communication. Even when you believe you aren't sending a message it could be received as a message. Silence is a form of communication. What ever I'm not intending on sending a message of neglect but in that absence of a message there is an interpretation of neglect. a receiving of a message unsent. It's a risk we all must take.

I think at this point in my life my biggest fear is appropriately expressing to this other how I feel successfully.

For instance her birthday is 64 days away.
I want to give her something for her birthday that expresses exactly how important she is to me, how she makes me feel, how grateful I am she's in my life. How amazing of a person she is, how she makes me feel when I'm stressed, how happy I am when I'm with her, how her eyes make me feel when they look in mine, how being next to her, how listening to her about her work, her family, her friends, gives me a calm satisfaction, how she enjoys being with my friends, how she's so easy to get along with, how we don't fight, how she laughs when I quote Juicy from Notorious B.I.G. how she makes me laugh, how she swears she can be sexy in all of her awkwardness. How she wants to explore with me, how she enjoys apple picking and pie baking, how she wants to see me nearly every night exactly as much as I want to see her.

But how do I give her something that expresses that?
She has so much money anything she's been wanting she just buys it herself?
And getting her more stuff isn't a good expression of what she means to me
What do I get the woman that has everything and means so much to me?
Oh Wonder tickets? She's seen them twice on her own
Tickets to see Waitress her favorite musical? Not only has she already seen it but she's already bought her own tickets to see it in November.

64 days to transmit a message that is appropriately received.
To not take her for granted.

I know a birthday present isn't the be all end all it's a symptom of the anxiety I am starting to feel towards her... now that we've been seeing each other since sometime in August sooner or later I'm going to mess up, I'm going to fail to express her value to her. I'm going to take her for granted. I'm going to hurt her. And inevitably I'm going to lose her. But I really like her I want her to not simply hear that from me but I want her to know that within her and I want her to trust that.

I don't know how to do that and I'm afraid I'll grow complacent.
I want to continue to learn more and more about this incredibly complex and wonderful woman and I want to know how best to express to her what she means in a way she will receive the message rather than a way I prefer to send the message.

I'm so afraid.

Build It Better - Aron Wright










Finished my 7th week.

10/08/17

Sixth week of teaching, finished.

I'm not sure what to write about this week.
I feel like I've expressed most of my thoughts already on here.
1. I really like Tempestt
2. Teaching is hard but good
3. Hurricanes recently make me more and more nervous about this planet
4. I don't like the president of my country because of his actions, words, and choices
5. America views black athletes as merely entertainers, they shouldn't speak they should just play their game and go away
6. I wish my friends would stop moving away from Columbus and Ohio.

That's pretty much my life right now.

Last week I tried to watch one of my students football games on Saturday morning. I showed up to the game couldn't spot him on the field (but they are all suited up and tiny) Then after about a half an hour his mother came up behind me in tears she told me his dad was suppose to bring him to the game but he didn't. She apologized and started expressing her frustration with the student's father. We talked for an hour or so then she left and I left shortly after.

I had a few thoughts I suppose I could attempt to express here.
First I thought again about the idea of all people being created equal and the comparison of my childhood vs my student's childhood. I'm not sure what the authors of the American Declaration of Independence has in mind with those words but it seems more and more evident to me that people are not created equal. Some are born into poverty, health issues, inheriting debt, fetal alcohol syndrome, addicted to substances their mother took while pregnant, parent incarcerated, parent deceased. Not everyone is created equal and I think it's that very reason why we need to be aware and sensitive to that fact.

We need to acknowledge that a bunch of 1700s white men wrote that and that isn't the world we live in today.

There's this image online that really paints the picture of my opinion on the word "equal" Equal doesn't mean fair.

All men aren't created equal (the fact that the writers used the word 'men' instead of people is telling of their views on equality) and that's why it is up to the government for the people by the people to help the people receive fairness or as the illustration says "equity."

I know I already ranted a few weeks about about our governments increased military spending budget and I think it is the allocation of resources in such a way that frustrates me when I think about all not being created equal.

Second, I realized I was the only white person at the football game. But the game took place in the same city I lived in. Segregation is very much alive today. How is it possible if all are equal there can be neighborhoods of all white or all black or all one race without diversity? There is obviously something systemic happening here. It may be subconscious, it may be intentional, whatever it is, it feels very strange to come to the realization of my ignorance of the segregation within my own northern union free state underground railroad city.

I don't have the solution to any of the things I'm observing but I am at the very least aware of them and know we need to find the root causes of such things and work on improving our country to hopefully move closer and closer to the idea that all PEOPLE are created unequal so we much be intentional with equity.

I think that starts with something as simple as taking a knee.

Logic - 1-800-273-8255

10/01/17

The Renaissance art in the museums of Europe
impacted me deeply during the backpacking trip in 2014.
Tempestt told me I should listen to Logic's album in its entirety the first thing I noticed was the album art. I remember when I saw the original.

The Wedding Feast at Cana, by Paolo Veronese 1563

A post shared by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Jun 7, 2014 at 5:48pm PDT

I remember when I returned to America after that trip. My religious views had changed.
I wrote about it on June 21, 2014
It was a mix of seeing this piece of art at a concentration camp

A post shared by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Jun 13, 2014 at 6:30am PDT

That art made after symbols of hate by a group of people who are now allowed to march freely in my country, and the Sistine Chapel wall by Michelangelo in 1541.

I remember reflecting on another piece I saw even months later September 13, 2014 The Stanza della Segnatura by Raphael in 1511. The four walls in one of the Raphael rooms the room of the Signatura. This piece challenged my thoughts on Faith and Science the two contradicting worlds today then together harmoniously. It helped me open my mind to allow the two to exist in the same space in my head, to greet each other with a bow and dance, their movements and song plays on in my mind today still working out the steps like trying to make out every word when they should simply hum along.

It's interesting how religious artwork has a way of unraveling religious beliefs.
The Wedding Feast at Cana is a biblical story about Jesus turning water to wine
The Last Judgment and The Room of the Signatura are both found in the Vatican.
The place where the most powerful Christian religious leader lives.

Logic's album art used this piece to make an anti religious statement
and the Vatican art, which I believe was mostly made by atheist Renaissance artists, had an impact on my mind and heart opening it to other possibilities beyond what is taught within the walls of churches.

Logic - Hallelujah

09/24/17

My fourth week of teaching, finished.

This may be my last post. I'm not sure how this dude will react but he messaged me finally after over a year of talking to his wife. I guess I wanted to post this on the internet so when the police find my dead ass corps on the front steps of my apartment they will have something to go off of. Then again if I happen to die of something completely unrelated I hope he doesn't get charged with my murder because of this post...

Marriage is such a strange thing.
When it's consensual I feel like it is a very beautiful thing. Maybe the greatest thing a human can do...or maybe parenting is the greatest, or maybe all truth is relative and we should all only speak in "I" statements.
But when it isn't consensual it can be a dangerous, possessive, oppressive, depressing, aggressive, and shame-filling institution.

But what the fuck do I know I've never spent an hour of my 29 years married. I can only go by the things I've experienced through observation and listening to others.

Marriage is work, that's all married people seem to say, it's work but it's worth it...I'm not so certain, obviously I'm not or I would have proposed to at least one of my exes rather than self destruct the relationships. I've only seen one marriage I envy...one.

And that one doesn't look like work, but then again if you find a job you love you'll never work a day in your life as they say... Or maybe I never see behind the curtain.

Of course, I finally find the job of my dreams and I'm getting better and better at it. I'm finally making semi decent money, I'm living in a great area of town, and I've met a woman who seems to understand me on a level I want and likes being around me almost as much as I like being around her... as soon as life seems to be falling into place in my 30's I'm about to be murdered.

The universe has a way of swinging the pendulum back.

Interim grades were due Friday. We didn't have kids that day but we did have some trainings. There is always some good things I can pull from any training even if it is just one sentence.

https://t.co/041BkXsY04

— Adam (@ZMorris93) September 22, 2017

This video is so important not just for teachers, or parents, but for citizens voting for policy in our country. For people in the world to understand that not all people are created equally, that equal and fair are not the same thing. poverty is systemic, it can't be solved with a law, or opportunities, or hand outs, it's something much, much deeper than that. It takes healing, it takes educating, and it takes patience. Our prisons are filled with hurt humans. Adults who as children never learned healthy strategies to process emotions or weren't able to develop because of their environment and the way their fight, flight, or freeze cooping mechanisms manifested while growing up. If we want to solve crime rates, poverty rates, mental health rates, unemployment rates, illegal drug use, and healthcare costs then we need to invest in our young citizens in the low socioeconomic demographics. We need to make sure each community has enough resources to make sure every need is met. Police taking the time to walk their beat and build friendships in the community, schools with resources enough for psychologist, interventions and resource rooms, grocery stores with affordable healthy options that give growing bodies the nutrition they need to develop optimally along with giving energy to the adults who need to work longer days and raise children in one parent households with less education providing fewer job opportunities.

It's strange to me how we always seem to have fact based peer reviewed research evidence for issues and we never seem to invest in solutions. Climate Change is a fact and we still blast our air conditions in skyscrapers down to our vehicles. Brain development under stress is proven to have long term impacts on people putting them at higher risks for incarceration and poverty yet we still don't intervene.

It's almost as if we prefer it this way. It's as if society likes our poor neighborhoods poor, our inner city schools failing, and our black citizens murdered by police.

There is no excuse, there wan't no reason things are this way. This week our senate just approved a $700 billion policy for the military spending in 2018. $700 billion dollars. Even if we cut that in half and invested it in resources for our low income areas of the nations there would still be $350 billion dollars for the military. We wouldn't need this much military defense if our president wasn't picking fights with North Korea and Russia. There aint no reason, we clearly have the funds. Our government has more than enough money, obviously they could provide healthcare they could provide education and mental health resources.

Travis is here now so rant over.

Goldlink - Crew