05/30/12

“Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course He isn't safe. But He's good. He's the King, I tell you.”
-The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

I want to be like You. I want my life to reflect Your heart. I don't want to live a polite, nice, comfortable, safe, prosperity theology. I want Your heart. I don't want to fear man and please people. I want to be live for You.

How would telling people to be nice to one another get a man crucified? What government would execute Mister Rogers?
-Philip Yancey

I want to love until people jail me, beat me, hate me, even kill me. I want to love beyond "volunteering" beyond "donations" beyond "charity" I want to live in Your love. I don't want to settle for being just a fan. I don't want to give You part, or some, or most, of my heart. I want to be consumed with Your presence.

I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth! You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’ And you don’t realize that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked.
-Jesus

Save me from success in this world. Save me from the wealth of this world. If I could become the servant of all, no lower place to fall. Help me decrease in this world. Abba keep me meek and humble. tare from me whatever keeps my eyes off of You and my trust and faith. Help me to not have my best life now but to have my best life in Your kingdom.

To love and serve this world until the point of crucifixion that is my life goal. Jesus I want to worship You always and only. My life is Yours my hope is in You only my heart You hold because You made this sinner holy.

Miracle - The Branches

Father of mine,
I know I'm not really making You proud
We've all been lonely fruit with filthy branches
Looking down at the ground
We tell him "Oh, it's alright,
Come to my room, meet all my demands!"
But then like morning light the verdict's out
And truth walks in,

05/27/12

I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven
-Luke 7:47

Like sweat covering my body under the heat of the sun I feel my sin covering my heart.

Abba why do You love such an awful man?

You lay down Your life for me and I trample on the blood of the lamb. Your grace is the most difficult gift to accept. I could deal with Your judgment, we know what I've done and we know what I deserve. But to be given mercy by the king when we both know what's in my heart and I will stumble again and again, I don't know if I can handle it.

When the pieces seem to shatter
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that I don’t feel you anymore
No I don’t feel you anymore

Where are You Jesus? The curtain in the sanctuary of the Temple was torn in two, from top to bottom (Mark 15:38). If the veil was torn then why do You still seem so distant?

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."
-Jesus

O God, I desire rest for my soul. Lord I am weary. Come near to me o God draw me close to You let me feel Your presences show me the veil was torn.

I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing

I know that You have good planned for me but can Your good overcome this wicked harvest I've sown? Can Your patience, grace, and love towards me last through the duration of this life? Abba I am still so young yet my account against You is great, when I breath my last will Your forgiveness extend far enough across the chasm to save me? I have my doubts. Every good and perfect gift You've given me in this life I've managed to corrupt it or squander it.

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.
But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.
-Psalm 13

When I’m overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I’m afraid I might let go

Are pain and anguish the only avenues through which I am most dependent on You? Is this the only way I am to spend this life? Meek, mourning, humble, and persecuted is this how I am to spend this life in order to feel You near me? How long o Lord can I live like this? How long can I wait?

Savior I beg You to wash me clean! Not just for this moment or today or this week or this month I want to be clean! I want to be whole I want to be made new. I'm tired of my fucking past. I'm tired of my fucking sin. SAVE ME PLEASE SHOW ME YOUR MERCY SHOW ME YOUR GRACE GIVE ME YOUR YOKE NEVER LET ME LOOK OVER MY SHOULDER. Give me a reason to sing, show me that You love me, let me feel Your unfailing faithfulness, I need to know that You're still holding the whole world in Your hands, I need to know that You see me.

Reason to Sing - All Sons & Daughters


Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now
Oh
Your peace is the melody
You sing it over me now
Oh Lord
Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now
Oh Lord
Your peace is the melody
You sing it over me now

I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
That is a reason to sing

05/24/12

All the believers were united in heart and mind. And they felt that what they owned was not their own, so they shared everything they had. The apostles testified powerfully to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and God’s great blessing was upon them all. There were no needy people among them, because those who owned land or houses would sell them and bring the money to the apostles to give to those in need.
-Acts 4

The more I think about the culture of first century Christians and the culture of my day the more I realize how far we've strayed.

The first Christians had a very communistic and socialistic life style. They were the hippies of their day. Everyone looked at them and thought they were so bizarre and radical. Today I can't even tell who in America is a Christian and who isn't.

In my culture it is a crime to be a communist. But I believe You Jesus and Your disciples were all communists. Maybe it is that sort of love that got You hung on a cross.

My culture has an 'individuality mentality'. The idea that everyone should have their own everything. Their own car, their own house, their own money, their own family, their own friends, their own land, their own happiness. Abba it is so easy to get caught up in all of the individuality. Although America seems like a free country the more I pursue You the more I see the bondage. Satan has disguised selfishness and addictions to idols as human rights and freedoms.

To be truly set free by Your love I must be united in heart and mind with all believers. I must feel that what I own is not my own. I can't imagine a world where Christians share all of their stuff to the point where there are no needy people among them. That is a radical love that can only come from You Holy Spirit.

what is Jesus' goal? You told everyone to quit their jobs not find one. As I spend more and more time with the homeless I begin to wonder what the goal is, what the solution is. I don't believe employment is the goal, I don't believe money is the solution. In fact I believe money is the problem it can't be the solution. You are the goal, You are the solution. It isn't about helping people get jobs and money its the opposite of that. It's about giving up our jobs and money and 'testifying powerfully to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus.'

We can't serve both God and money. The battle in America isn't against Satan, it's against Mammon.

Generous people are rarely mentally ill.
-Dr. Karl Menninger US psychiatrist (1893 - 1990)

Abba please help me fight the battle against Mammon. Help me push through the crippling fear and be freed from the slavery of wealth and worry about money. Help me to give and share everything You've given and share with me. Help me to love and spread love not wealth and money.

Echo of Love - An Epic, No Less

05/22/12

The Church is a whore, but she's my mother.
-Augustine

It's not a museum for good people its a hospital for the broken.

Abba, how are Pharisees created? Why do I always seem to try to walk the narrow path only to realize I find myself on the broad one time and time again. Why doesn't that first taste of Your grace last? In Exodus 34 Moses' face would glow radiantly. In 2 Corinthians Paul mentions that the glow was destined to fade. Why did Moses' glow fade? When does the relationship turn to religion?

Every denomination was founded by Your children who were on fire for You.
Martin Luther
John Calvin
Frisian Simons
John Wesley
Barton Stone
John Wimber
Alexander Campbell
William Miller
John Smyth
Dennis Bennett
George Fox
and so many more

Setting aside the differences in theology, since You and I both know no one has figured out You and the Bible completely, as I read about these great men of passion for Your heart and as I look at their churches today I constantly find a void.

Jesus we, Your wife, are such a mess. We split, we argue, we ignore, we gossip, we fail. How do we stay on the narrow path?

Rabbi help me to remain humble. I need constant reminders of how small I am, how ignorant I am, how messed up I am.

Following You isn't about being perfect, being clean, being polite, being nice.
It's about living life the way I was created to live.

what is the heart? Jesus the heart is the most complicated and confusing creation of Yours. It's possible to know about You. It's even possible to obey everything You ask. But without the heart it's worthless to You.

How can I know something but not have it in my heart?

And so the Lord says,
“These people say they are mine.
They honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
And their worship of me
is nothing but man-made rules learned by rote
-Isaiah 29:13

It's horrifying to think my worship might simply be nothing but man-made rules. My lips honor You but is my heart close to You?

I must command my soul to bless You Lord. But it most come from the heart. Is this possible without Paraclete? It is only by Your grace that I am saved. Jesus keep me humble. As I start each new day with a drink from Your living water let it's power of refreshment never go dull to my spiritual tongue.

10,000 Reasons - Matt Redman

Thank You for Yesterday at Cedar Point. What a beautiful opportunity to learn to trust my life in Your hands while spending the day with a few of my brothers and sisters.

05/19/12

Yes, and I am willing to look even more foolish than this, even to be humiliated in my own eyes!
2 Samuel 6:22

Abba help me to become more undignified.

What is undignified and foolish to this world is beauty to You. What is ugly and rejected here is pretty and treasured in Heaven.

Physical beauty isn't something that is earned or accomplished it is given to a person genetically.
Character isn't something that is given to a person genetically it is earned or accomplished.

The culture I live in seems to place all of it's stock in visual aesthetics.

The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7

Maybe it isn't limited to my culture. "People judge by outward appearance". Why Jesus? Why do we treat attractive people better than unattractive? They did nothing to be attractive it is simply the body they were given. These bodies will someday fail. Beauty in this world fades.

Nice looking cars
Nice looking houses
Nice looking clothes
Nice looking body
Nice looking face
Nice looking phone
Nice looking everything...why? Nothing on this earth lasts.

The more I think about physical beauty and visually aesthetic things of this world the more disgusting they become. John the Baptizer wore camel hair. David danced and worshiped You until his wife thought he looked disgustingly foolish.

Maybe being blind isn't such a bad thing. Maybe gouging out my eyes is better than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell, ‘where the maggots never die and the fire never goes out.'

I believe the blind can see more than those with sight.

Then the Pharisees again questioned the man who had been blind and demanded, “What’s your opinion about this man who healed you?”
The man replied, “I think he must be a prophet.”
The Jewish leaders still refused to believe the man had been blind and could now see, so they called in his parents. They asked them, “Is this your son? Was he born blind? If so, how can he now see?”
His parents replied, “We know this is our son and that he was born blind, but we don’t know how he can see or who healed him. Ask him. He is old enough to speak for himself.” His parents said this because they were afraid of the Jewish leaders, who had announced that anyone saying Jesus was the Messiah would be expelled from the synagogue. That’s why they said, “He is old enough. Ask him.”
So for the second time they called in the man who had been blind and told him, “God should get the glory for this, because we know this man Jesus is a sinner.”
“I don’t know whether he is a sinner,” the man replied. “But I know this: I was blind, and now I can see!”
“But what did he do?” they asked. “How did he heal you?”
“Look!” the man exclaimed. “I told you once. Didn’t you listen? Why do you want to hear it again? Do you want to become his disciples, too?”
Then they cursed him and said, “You are his disciple, but we are disciples of Moses! We know God spoke to Moses, but we don’t even know where this man comes from.”
“Why, that’s very strange!” the man replied. “He healed my eyes, and yet you don’t know where he comes from? We know that God doesn’t listen to sinners, but he is ready to hear those who worship him and do his will. Ever since the world began, no one has been able to open the eyes of someone born blind. If this man were not from God, he couldn’t have done it.”
“You were born a total sinner!” they answered. “Are you trying to teach us?” And they threw him out of the synagogue.
When Jesus heard what had happened, he found the man and asked, “Do you believe in the Son of Man?”
The man answered, “Who is he, sir? I want to believe in him.”
“You have seen him,” Jesus said, “and he is speaking to you!”
“Yes, Lord, I believe!” the man said. And he worshiped Jesus.
Then Jesus told him, “I entered this world to render judgment—to give sight to the blind and to show those who think they see that they are blind.”
Some Pharisees who were standing nearby heard him and asked, “Are you saying we’re blind?”
“If you were blind, you wouldn’t be guilty,” Jesus replied. “But you remain guilty because you claim you can see.
-John 9

The Pharisees who claim they can see are actually blind. And the parents of the man born blind were controlled by fear. But the man who was born blind could see more than both of them. He didn't care if he looked foolish, he didn't care if he would be kicked out of the church. The man simply wanted Jesus at all costs.

How glorious is Your Kingdom God that You would have a blind man yell Look! to a group of men with sight.

Those who are blind You give sight. Those who think they have sight You say are blind.

Give me Your eyes Abba! I am a blind man. I look at outward appearance. I fear the opinions of people more than Your opinion. Save me Jesus, change me. Give me sight! Jesus I love who You are, I want to worship You always.

Innocent - Luminate

05/15/12

231 days
October 8th to May 26th
231 days

Old pain started resurfacing today and I didn't understand it. As I was kicking the edge today I kept asking You why and seeking the source.

Is it because I want to marry her?
"No"
Is it because I don't want anyone to marry her?
"No"
Is it because she is happy and feels no remorse for what she has done?
"No"
Then You revealed it to me. In the stillness of the beautiful day outside. You said it softly to me:
"Adam, you miss your friend"

It's true isn't it Abba? I feel this pain because I miss my friend.

I miss listening to her thoughts, ideas, life, anything and everything,
I miss sharing anything and everything,
I miss the laughs, the tears, the fights, sharing our lives, and growing up together.

But what should I do about it? What can I do? My friend has become a completely different person. Even if I wanted to talk to her I wouldn't be talking to the same person.
As painful as the loss of my closest friend is to me, there isn't anything I can do.
What happened?

Nothing stays the same, everything changes
I can't control anything except myself
No one can ever truly know someone

These three statements remain true to this day for me.
Jesus I lost a valuable friend, but I learned even more valuable truths.

You are good
You are faithful
You are unfailing love

Things will never be as they were. Loss is a part of this world. Life is a raging river continually moving forward and always changing.

Yes I miss my friend, but You make all things new. You make me whole.

The Ballad of Jesus and Adam - The Avett Brothers


I forgive her.

05/12/12

God is not worshiped where He is not treasured and enjoyed...Joy in God is the very thing that makes praise an honor to God and not hypocrisy.
-John Piper

To inherent eternal life I have to love everyone and enjoy my life in You. It seems so strange, if I want to go to heaven all I have to do is live my life fully with joy and love. I am required to have fun or else I don't make the cut.

You are a good God Abba.

Yesterday Bea and I drove to Cleveland to check out the urban farm, we went to a glass blowing shop, swam in the lake, walked around downtown. Afterwards laid on a hill in the country and watched the stars. Life is good. I enjoy obeying You Abba. It was what I was built for. I was made to find complete satisfaction in You, to love and be loved.

But to be motivated by a desire for happiness or pleasure when I volunteered for Christian service or went to church - that seemed selfish, utilitarian, mercenary.
I came to see that it is unbiblical and arrogant to try to worship God for any other reason than the pleasure to be had in Him. Not His gifts, but Him. Not ourselves, but Him.
-John Piper

I want more pleasure in You and You alone. I want each step of my life to be with You. You command me to love, to be joyful, to not worry, the life You have for me is so much better than the one I was building. You don't want to punish me or squash me You demand that I enjoy this life to it's fullest. You require that I have fun. You know how I am built You know that money, women, idols, and stuff won't satisfy this unending desire. I need an infinite being to fill this infinite void and that being is You and You alone.

Love is a risk. You knew I would fail, You knew I wouldn't be enough, You know I would disobey and throw tantrums at You, You knew me before I was born and You created me none the less. Jesus, Your love is too much for me to bare. You are too graceful and too merciful, too loving and too perfect.

With wonder and fear You knit me together, You shoulda been scared when You breathed into me
I have a feeling You knew what I'd say and what I'd do... but Your love said do it anyway

My Eyes Are So Blue I Feel Like I Could Look Right Through - Enter the Worship Circle


Thank You

05/08/12

Boundaries List
01) No touching necks
02) No touching Bea's legs above the knee
03) NO KISSING
04) No hanging out past 10:30 on weeknights
05) Do not hang out in rooms with the doors closed
06) Stay in the light
07) No laying on artificial ground
08) Keep hugs somewhat brief
09) Hold Hands
10) Bea will not sit on Adam's lap
11) No talking about our future relationship
12) No reading things related to intimacy within marriage

Your law minimizes pain and maximizes joy. It is only by obeying Your law that I am truly free. Boundaries serve the same purpose and pursue the same goal. Bea and I have been dating for a couple weeks now and we've created a list of boundaries to help each other avoid pain and pursue You.

I once thought I knew what Your will was for me I was so sure of it I thought You spoke to me and confirmed it numerous times over. But now I see that I had no idea, and I still have no idea what Your plans are for me. I don't know if You want me to marry Bea. I don't know if You want her to be with me for a season and then move on to another man. I don't know if You want me to be single. These boundaries are for You. They are for Your will. I hold this new relationship in my hand open palms. You give and take away, and You are the good Abba.

Pain is alive in a broken heart
The past never does go away
We were born to love
And we're born to pay
The price for our mistakes

We are a world of hurt people hurting people. We are a family of wounded, scared, broken brothers and sisters. I don't want to take from Bea what belongs to her and her husband. I want to have something special to offer my wife if You have one in Your will for me.

Grace, she comes with a heavy load
Memories, they can't be erased
Like a pill I swallow, he makes me well
And leaves an awful taste

What they call love is a risk, cause you will always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own. But You are always their for me. When the past never does go away, when memories, they can't be erased, You are always their for me.

Take my notions and words to heart
This is the cry of a man
I can't bring you fortune or noble life
But I'll love you all I can

Love is worth the risk. I know this is true or else You wouldn't have created me. You took the risk and made me. You took the risk and died for me. You are worth it. Their are boundaries and laws to protect Your children, to help us love You more intensely. Protect my heart Jesus. From the pain and brokenness of this world keep me safe. Create in me Your dwelling place. Create in me a secret place for You and You alone.

A Place Only You Can Go - Needtobreathe


Oh I know this song won't do
Enough to prove my love to you
In my heart you'll always know
There is a place only love can go
There is a place only you can go

05/06/12

I sit quietly wearing shorts looking at my knee caps.
My mind flashes back to my childhood riding in the back of the Accord next to Doug. Pam and Tyler sitting up front.

I remember looking at Doug's knees and thinking about how much bigger they were than mine and how they were hairy. I remember thinking how foolish Doug looked in shorts that were short enough to show his knees. Now as I look at my own bare knees in shorts I laugh to myself. It's funny how priorities change as I age.

As I look at my hands I notice the similarities to Doug's. With each passing year I begin to understand more and more how Doug came to be the man he is today. As a child I assumed Doug had always been a parent but now I see he and I were both learning as we went.

It makes me wonder if Doug thought the same thing sitting next to me. I wonder if he looked at my tiny hairless knees or my soft small hands and remembered a time where his body looked like mine. I wonder if he thought the same thoughts sitting next to his father as a child.

I am my parents and my parents are me. They watch me grow, live my life, they laugh and sigh as they see themselves in me. Their mistakes, their lessons, their life. I watch them as they live, I form my own path based on my perspective of what I like and don't like about the lives they've crafted. What parts do I want to be like and what parts do I want to be nothing like, Each generation looks at the former and shapes their own.

I wonder what You think of all this.

...all of you are equal as brothers and sisters. And don’t address anyone here on earth as ‘Father,’ for only God in heaven is your spiritual Father.
-Matthew 23:9

You watch Your children raise Your children. You watch one wounded broken generation try to raise the next all of them trying to be better than the former. But we never are better. Two thousand years of generations since You showed us how to serve and live for others yet here I am, equal to Adam. Here I am critiquing my parents only to look at my own hands and realize I am becoming my father, who became his father, who became his, tracing these hands all the way back to Adam's hands.

This cycle of brokenness, the blind raising the blind, only You can break it, only You can set us free. Only Jesus can save me.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God!
For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation
and draped me in a robe of righteousness.
I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit
or a bride with her jewels.
The Sovereign Lord will show his justice to the nations of the world.
Everyone will praise him!
His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring,
with plants springing up everywhere.
-Isaiah 61

Elyon, You bring good news to the poor. You comfort the brokenhearted. You proclaim the captives will be released. You set the prisoners free.

Praise You Abba, for the time of jubilee, exchanging ashes for a crown of beauty, turning mourning into joyous blessings, festive praise instead of despair.

Through You Jesus I am made righteous and in Your righteousness I am a great oak planted for Your glory. I am dressed with the clothing of salvation and draped in a robe of righteousness.

Lord may Your Kingdom come like a garden in early spring, sprouting up everywhere!

Ain't No Reason - Brett Dennen

05/04/12

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate... I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.
-Romans 7

I've never liked this verse because it feels like a justification or a cop out, but whether I like it or not doesn't take away from it's truth.

If all I do is sin and Jesus tells me I am not my sin then what am I?
What's left?

I make choices I don't want to make everyday. The guilt sits heavy on my heart. With Christ there is not condemnation but that doesn't stop this feeling in my stomach. Who am I Abba? Who do You say that I am? Faith without deeds is dead. Do my actions define who I am? But my actions aren't good they are rotten.

I am selfish, I am broken. Will my past forever haunt me? Jesus You break these chains only for me to wake up the very next morning with them back on.

If I am not my sin and I am my actions then who does that make me? I am 24 years old battling a being who has been tempting, accusing, and hating humans for thousands of years. I can't win this fight I need You Jesus. But it's more than by faith I need deeds. My own conscience needs the deeds to go with this faith. My heart can't handle these constant failures.

Jesus I know I am washed clean by Your blood but it doesn't seem to make it any easier to look at myself in the mirror. I am a whore wife, I am a prodigal son, I am a sinner, I am a lost sheep, I am unworthy, I am Adam.

Please wash my past clean. Please break these chains each morning. I want to please You I want to offer this life as a pleasing sacrifice to You but each day I bring it to Your altar it is blemished and broken. I can do nothing good apart from You and Your glory.

Abba please forgive me for what I've done. Jesus please wash my feet and make me clean. Spirit please fill me and guide the steps of my life.

I am standing in the need, I am standing in the need
because I can't control this person behind my hands