08/31/12

Back in Wauseon for the 155th Fulton County Fair.

We live many lives within our life.

Seasons.
Chapters.
Lives.

Who I am is not who I was.

Yet, who I was became who I am.

I don't think I've missed a Fulton County Fair since I've been alive.
Who I was in 1992
Who I was in 2002
Who I am in 2012
All of them completely different people and yet the exact same person.

I wonder what You see Abba when You look at us. How do You see a man when You are not constrained by time?

I've met with Jake and Travis since I've been home. They are constantly changing. The J.A.T. Tour was five years ago.

Jesus You really are a redeeming God. You take broken wounded disgusting situations and You pull beauty from the hat. Everytime.

It's incredible to think about what the human mind and body can endure and still not only manage to have life but to have it in the fullest. It is only by Your freedom. It is only through Your redeeming love.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
-Galatians 5:1

Thank You Jesus that Jake and I are able to reconcile.
Thank You Jesus that wounds are able to scar.

Who can say what is good or bad?

In You there is hope, there is peace, there is love, there is contentment.

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
-Philippians 4:11

Teach me unconditional joy Lord.

I Would Be Sad - The Avett Brothers

08/30/12

You are good Abba.

Without oxen a stable stays clean,
but you need a strong ox for a large harvest.
-Proverbs 14:4

You keep telling me the same thing over and over. Love is a risk, but the entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on Love.

Life is about taking risks.

Life is a messy stable.

Then the servant with the one bag of silver came and said, ‘Master, I knew you were a harsh man, harvesting crops you didn’t plant and gathering crops you didn’t cultivate. I was afraid I would lose your money, so I hid it in the earth. Look, here is your money back.’ But the master replied, ‘You wicked and lazy servant! If you knew I harvested crops I didn’t plant and gathered crops I didn’t cultivate, why didn’t you deposit my money in the bank? At least I could have gotten some interest on it.’ ...from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away.

Would You rather I keep my stable clean? Would You rather I bury my silver? Would You rather I avoid atheists, prostitutes, sinners? Would You rather I stay away from bars? Would You rather I try to save my life?

Life is a messy risk. But it is beautiful.

Life is about eating dinner with lewd sinners.
Life is about hanging out with hookers on the street.
Life is about playing Frisbee golf with tax collectors.
Life is about turning water into wine so a celebration can continue.
Life is about eating ice cream with registered sex offenders
Life is about hanging out at the campsite of a homeless murderer.
Life is about Love.

and Love is a messy risk.

08/23/12

If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it.
-Luke 17:33

A lot can happen in a weekend. Move in to a new apartment, get abandoned by a girlfriend. In the span of one weekend a life could change drastically.

A lot can happen to a man after he writes these words: Because I know You won't think less of me for the hits I'll take in this life I need to step out and show the love You first showed me.

It's one thing to write these words its an entirely different thing to live them.

Abba I'm tired of taking hits. It was eerie how similar Bea sounded to the other woman who left me less than a year ago. "I've never felt more at peace." and "I feel like God wants me to break up with you." A man can only hear this stuff so many times before he starts to wonder if something is wrong with him or maybe You want me to be single.

Yahweh the great taker.

“I came naked from my mother’s womb,
and I will be naked when I leave.
The Lord gave me what I had,
and the Lord has taken it away.
Praise the name of the Lord!”
-Job 1:21

Seems like people love to go on and on about how You are the great giver. You give grace, freedom, forgiveness, love, peace, joy, and so many other things.

But I don't hear too many people talk about how You also take away. Believe me I know how You take away.

I know that You have every right to take whatever You want from me and give it to whoever You want and You are completely justified.

Am I allowed to at least ask why? Or will I simply get a "My ways are higher than yours" sort of answer from You?

I'm tired of clinging to my life. Things keep happening in my life and I keep thinking it's from You but then they just fall apart and I just keep failing.

How am I suppose to know if I'm doing what You want me to do? Every time I ask You and I think I'm doing what You told me it always fails.

Didn't You want me to date Bea? weren't our hearts lined up with the same ministry? Didn't we both love spending time with each other? Wasn't our relationship honoring to You?

I don't know, these questions don't much matter now. The point is I'm single once again and I'm tired of putting myself completely out there and taking the hits again and again.

I'm tired of "KNOWING" I'm suppose to be with a person only to have them quit.

Every man I talk to tells me marriage is worth it. It's worth the risk, it's worth the pain, it's worth the work. Is it though? Is it worth splitting my love and time between You and some human?

I'm done. I'm taking a LONG season of singleness. I'm done sticking my neck out there only to get rejected. I'm done risking my love, opening up, sharing my life, inviting someone in only to have them ditch out once it gets dull or boring to them.

You know You ask a lot of me? You take Bea away from me then force me to try and be her friend and see her at the pantry 3 times a week. You waited until right after I wrote that last letter to You about sticking the real me out there and taking hits.

Or the William Stringfellow quote back in June.

It's time for my faith to get off the bench. Did I mean it when I wrote those letters to You? Or did I just say that stuff because it sounds noble? No one prays to be a martyr. This life is a vapor and at the end of it I'll rest in Your hands so what does it matter if it hurts to be Bea's friend? What does it matter if I stick my neck out again and get betrayed? It's what being a Christian is all about.

Following Jesus is simple, but not easy. Love until it hurts, and then love more.
-Mother Teresa

So I guess I press on. I guess You pick up the pieces of this broken life put me back together and send me back out. I know You are good and I know You've got me.

But I'm done thinking You want me to be with a woman. I'm done sticking my neck out there romantically. I'm taking a LONG rest from that sort of pain. I'll love strangers and my heart will break for them when Alcohol takes their life or HIV turns to AIDS or they move to San Francisco but I'm done trusting people to return that sort of affection because it just doesn't happen. I haven't seen love willingly return to me without some sort of manipulation or convincing or coercing from my side. I'll dish it out but I'm not counting on it or expecting it.

Praise You Jesus that You are faithful and that You first loved me. I don't have to worry about my love not being returned because You loved me before I even know You.

You are good and no matter what people do to me You are my rock my fortress.

08/18/12

God invites us to be new creations, original art, and to live a life of engagement. He says to leave the cheap imitation in a closet somewhere. He doesn't say when you hang the real you out there - the priceless one - that things will go great either. It's pretty clear from watching Jesus' followers past and present that when you risk the real you, you'll probably take a hit. God did when He hung Jesus out there. But one thing I do know is this: when we do take hits, and we will, God isn't going to think less of us.
-Bob Goff

Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.
-Genesis 2:25

Abba what does that feel like? To hang the real me completely out there, the priceless one, and feel no shame?

It's terrifying to let people see who we really are. To see the darkness in our hearts, our bad habits, all the things we've done in the past that we regret. Our biases, our shortcomings, the things we aren't good at. Being naked is terrifying. What would it look like to be with someone who loves you exactly as you are?
-Rob Bell

Life reminds me a comic book. Very valuable comic books are placed in covers and cases to protect them. But if all we do is protect the comic book because it's so valuable how can anyone enjoy what's inside? We are left with the cheap imitation. We get to enjoy the cover art and yes it is in our possession but we can't fully enjoy the rare issue.

It is only when the comic is taken out of it's case and into the unpredictable environment of this world that we can turn it's pages and enjoy the art, the story, the characters, the comic in it's entirety.

God invites us to risk our mint condition first edition lives. God calls us out of our cheap imitation sleeves and into this world. To be opened to be poured out. It's terrifying to hand my comic book to someone else. What if they crinkle a page? What if their hands are sticky? What if they spill something on it? What if the story isn't entertaining? What if they don't find the art beautiful? What if they throw it away in exchange for a different comic?

When I expose the real me I get hurt. I get betrayed, abandoned. But in order to fully step into the original art that You have created me to be I must live a life of engagement.

You did Jesus. You could have stayed in Heaven as we admired Your beautiful cover art but You didn't. You came down to my level, You came to the gutter and You flipped through the pages of Your heart so that we could have a relationship.

If I stay in the case then everyone around me stays in their cheap imitations.

We love each other because He loved us first.
-1 John 4:19

Because I know You won't think less of me for the hits I'll take in this life I need to step out and show the love You first showed me.

August 18th 2012
Douglas turns 57 today.

I wonder if I'll make it to 57.

I wonder what my father was like at 24.

I wonder what I will be like at 57.

Getting older is so strange. I wonder if I'll have a son. I wonder what he would be like. I wonder what he would think of his father. Would I be alive to see him turn 57? People are always growing, changing, becoming different people.

These past 24 years I've watched my father go from a young strong new dad to an old greying empty-nest father. It's difficult to see the man I thought of as the strongest man in the world have to wear glasses and grow old. I wonder what he will be like at 67.

Nothing lasts in this life.

Better - Jess Ray and the Rag Tag Army

08/15/12

The crowd responded, “We understood from Scripture that the Messiah would live forever. How can you say the Son of Man will die? Just who is this Son of Man, anyway?”
-John 12:34

People understand scripture wrong all the time. I understand scripture wrong all the time!

If the crowd who followed You couldn't get it how can I?

Yet you never seemed too worried about it. What's important? perfect theology or a broken heart in need of a savior?

Is there such thing as perfect theology? Who is like the Lord? Who can know all of You? I can't even understand the trinity let alone free will and predestination.

I don't have to get scripture 100%. I just have to keep seeking and knocking.

How can a creation comprehend its creator?

Why weren't You more worried about getting people converted getting people "saved" as we put it today?

Do we understand the scripture?

"I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”
-Jesus

How? What does it look like to make disciples of all the nations?

Do we hand out bibles? Do we get them to say a certain prayer? Do we simply give them the knowledge of Your existence?

Don’t misunderstand why I have come. I did not come to abolish the law of Moses or the writings of the prophets. No, I came to accomplish their purpose. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not even the smallest detail of God’s law will disappear until its purpose is achieved. So if you ignore the least commandment and teach others to do the same, you will be called the least in the Kingdom of Heaven. But anyone who obeys God’s laws and teaches them will be called great in the Kingdom of Heaven. But I warn you—unless your righteousness is better than the righteousness of the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven!
-Jesus

What does that mean? Should I not eat ham? What is the purpose of the law? Has it been achieved? Is there no more law? Which laws do I keep? Is homosexuality a sin?

Jesus I put my hope in Your faithfulness. I trust that you will always be with me, even to the end of the age.

Equally Skilled - Jon Foreman

08/12/12

Early on Sunday morning, as the new day was dawning, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went out to visit the tomb.

-Matthew 28:1

Several of the disciples were there—Simon Peter, Thomas (nicknamed the Twin), Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples.

Simon Peter said, “I’m going fishing.”

“We’ll come, too,” they all said. So they went out in the boat, but they caught nothing all night.

-John 21:2-3

After Jesus died everyone went back to their old lives. The men went fishing. The women went to the tomb because they thought He was dead. They had their expectations for the Messiah. They thought He was going to change everything, they had their plans then when it didn't happen like they thought they gave up and went back to the way things were.

I wonder how they all felt. How disappointing. I know how they all felt. I've had plans that I knew for certain were from You and Your will for my life. Then when it didn't happen I was so confused so angry so disappointed. I can hear Simon, Thomas, Nathanael, James, John, Mary and Mary Magdalene walking Sunday morning heads down thinking "what the heck God? You were suppose to save us. This isn't the way it was suppose to end."

I remember telling You the same things. "Where are You Lord? This isn't how my life is suppose to go. I swear this was Your will. Did You fail Jesus?"

One night Joseph had a dream, and when he told his brothers about it, they hated him more than ever. “Listen to this dream,” he said. “We were out in the field, tying up bundles of grain. Suddenly my bundle stood up, and your bundles all gathered around and bowed low before mine!”

-Genesis 37:5-7

Soon Joseph had another dream, and again he told his brothers about it. “Listen, I have had another dream,” he said. “The sun, moon, and eleven stars bowed low before me!”

-Genesis 37:9

So when the Ishmaelites, who were Midianite traders, came by, Joseph’s brothers pulled him out of the cistern and sold him to them for twenty pieces of silver. And the traders took him to Egypt.

-Genesis 37:28

So he took Joseph and threw him into the prison where the king’s prisoners were held, and there he remained.

-Genesis 39:20

What about Joseph's dreams. You told him he was going to rule over his brothers even his own parents. But he found himself sold into slavery then thrown into prison. That's the exact opposite of ruling.

Suddenly there was a great earthquake! For an angel of the Lord came down from heaven, rolled aside the stone, and sat on it. His face shone like lightning, and his clothing was as white as snow. The guards shook with fear when they saw him, and they fell into a dead faint. Then the angel spoke to the women. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I know you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He isn’t here! He is risen from the dead, just as he said would happen.

-Matthew 28:2-6

At dawn a man was standing on the beach, He called out, “Fellows, have you caught any fish?”

“No,” they replied.

Then he said, “Throw out your net on the right-hand side of the boat, and you’ll get some!” So they did, and they couldn’t haul in the net because there were so many fish in it. Then the disciple Jesus loved said to Peter, “It’s the Lord!” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his tunic (for he had stripped for work), jumped into the water, and headed to shore.

-John 21:5-7

Things might not go exactly the way I expect them too. The disciples and the Mary's thought You'd failed. They thought You weren't the Messiah. But just when they thought all hope was lost, just then they thought the all powerful God had failed, You came through. You weren't in the tomb. You didn't stay dead. You didn't fail. You never fail.

Pharaoh said to Joseph, “I hereby put you in charge of the entire land of Egypt.” Then Pharaoh removed his signet ring from his hand and placed it on Joseph’s finger. He dressed him in fine linen clothing and hung a gold chain around his neck. Then he had Joseph ride in the chariot reserved for his second-in-command. And wherever Joseph went, the command was shouted, “Kneel down!” So Pharaoh put Joseph in charge of all Egypt. And Pharaoh said to him, “I am Pharaoh, but no one will lift a hand or foot in the entire land of Egypt without your approval.”

Genesis 41:41-44

You are a good God. You are faithful. Your timing is perfect and Your plans are for my good. I ask for more faith in Your will and Your goodness. Just because things don't seem to be going the exact way I expected them to go that it doesn't mean You've abandoned me or that You've failed. Teach me patience.

Safe Place - Enter The Worship Circle

08/03/12

Zambia 1

Zambia 2

The Love Of God - Ascend The Hill


Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.