If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it.
-Luke 17:33
A lot can happen in a weekend. Move in to a new apartment, get abandoned by a girlfriend. In the span of one weekend a life could change drastically.
A lot can happen to a man after he writes these words: Because I know You won't think less of me for the hits I'll take in this life I need to step out and show the love You first showed me.
It's one thing to write these words its an entirely different thing to live them.
Abba I'm tired of taking hits. It was eerie how similar Bea sounded to the other woman who left me less than a year ago. "I've never felt more at peace." and "I feel like God wants me to break up with you." A man can only hear this stuff so many times before he starts to wonder if something is wrong with him or maybe You want me to be single.
Yahweh the great taker.
“I came naked from my mother’s womb,
and I will be naked when I leave.
The Lord gave me what I had,
and the Lord has taken it away.
Praise the name of the Lord!”
-Job 1:21
Seems like people love to go on and on about how You are the great giver. You give grace, freedom, forgiveness, love, peace, joy, and so many other things.
But I don't hear too many people talk about how You also take away. Believe me I know how You take away.
I know that You have every right to take whatever You want from me and give it to whoever You want and You are completely justified.
Am I allowed to at least ask why? Or will I simply get a "My ways are higher than yours" sort of answer from You?
I'm tired of clinging to my life. Things keep happening in my life and I keep thinking it's from You but then they just fall apart and I just keep failing.
How am I suppose to know if I'm doing what You want me to do? Every time I ask You and I think I'm doing what You told me it always fails.
Didn't You want me to date Bea? weren't our hearts lined up with the same ministry? Didn't we both love spending time with each other? Wasn't our relationship honoring to You?
I don't know, these questions don't much matter now. The point is I'm single once again and I'm tired of putting myself completely out there and taking the hits again and again.
I'm tired of "KNOWING" I'm suppose to be with a person only to have them quit.
Every man I talk to tells me marriage is worth it. It's worth the risk, it's worth the pain, it's worth the work. Is it though? Is it worth splitting my love and time between You and some human?
I'm done. I'm taking a LONG season of singleness. I'm done sticking my neck out there only to get rejected. I'm done risking my love, opening up, sharing my life, inviting someone in only to have them ditch out once it gets dull or boring to them.
You know You ask a lot of me? You take Bea away from me then force me to try and be her friend and see her at the pantry 3 times a week. You waited until right after I wrote that last letter to You about sticking the real me out there and taking hits.
Or the William Stringfellow quote back in June.
It's time for my faith to get off the bench. Did I mean it when I wrote those letters to You? Or did I just say that stuff because it sounds noble? No one prays to be a martyr. This life is a vapor and at the end of it I'll rest in Your hands so what does it matter if it hurts to be Bea's friend? What does it matter if I stick my neck out again and get betrayed? It's what being a Christian is all about.
Following Jesus is simple, but not easy. Love until it hurts, and then love more.
-Mother Teresa
So I guess I press on. I guess You pick up the pieces of this broken life put me back together and send me back out. I know You are good and I know You've got me.
But I'm done thinking You want me to be with a woman. I'm done sticking my neck out there romantically. I'm taking a LONG rest from that sort of pain. I'll love strangers and my heart will break for them when Alcohol takes their life or HIV turns to AIDS or they move to San Francisco but I'm done trusting people to return that sort of affection because it just doesn't happen. I haven't seen love willingly return to me without some sort of manipulation or convincing or coercing from my side. I'll dish it out but I'm not counting on it or expecting it.
Praise You Jesus that You are faithful and that You first loved me. I don't have to worry about my love not being returned because You loved me before I even know You.
You are good and no matter what people do to me You are my rock my fortress.
-Luke 17:33
A lot can happen in a weekend. Move in to a new apartment, get abandoned by a girlfriend. In the span of one weekend a life could change drastically.
A lot can happen to a man after he writes these words: Because I know You won't think less of me for the hits I'll take in this life I need to step out and show the love You first showed me.
It's one thing to write these words its an entirely different thing to live them.
Abba I'm tired of taking hits. It was eerie how similar Bea sounded to the other woman who left me less than a year ago. "I've never felt more at peace." and "I feel like God wants me to break up with you." A man can only hear this stuff so many times before he starts to wonder if something is wrong with him or maybe You want me to be single.
Yahweh the great taker.
“I came naked from my mother’s womb,
and I will be naked when I leave.
The Lord gave me what I had,
and the Lord has taken it away.
Praise the name of the Lord!”
-Job 1:21
Seems like people love to go on and on about how You are the great giver. You give grace, freedom, forgiveness, love, peace, joy, and so many other things.
But I don't hear too many people talk about how You also take away. Believe me I know how You take away.
I know that You have every right to take whatever You want from me and give it to whoever You want and You are completely justified.
Am I allowed to at least ask why? Or will I simply get a "My ways are higher than yours" sort of answer from You?
I'm tired of clinging to my life. Things keep happening in my life and I keep thinking it's from You but then they just fall apart and I just keep failing.
How am I suppose to know if I'm doing what You want me to do? Every time I ask You and I think I'm doing what You told me it always fails.
Didn't You want me to date Bea? weren't our hearts lined up with the same ministry? Didn't we both love spending time with each other? Wasn't our relationship honoring to You?
I don't know, these questions don't much matter now. The point is I'm single once again and I'm tired of putting myself completely out there and taking the hits again and again.
I'm tired of "KNOWING" I'm suppose to be with a person only to have them quit.
Every man I talk to tells me marriage is worth it. It's worth the risk, it's worth the pain, it's worth the work. Is it though? Is it worth splitting my love and time between You and some human?
I'm done. I'm taking a LONG season of singleness. I'm done sticking my neck out there only to get rejected. I'm done risking my love, opening up, sharing my life, inviting someone in only to have them ditch out once it gets dull or boring to them.
You know You ask a lot of me? You take Bea away from me then force me to try and be her friend and see her at the pantry 3 times a week. You waited until right after I wrote that last letter to You about sticking the real me out there and taking hits.
Or the William Stringfellow quote back in June.
It's time for my faith to get off the bench. Did I mean it when I wrote those letters to You? Or did I just say that stuff because it sounds noble? No one prays to be a martyr. This life is a vapor and at the end of it I'll rest in Your hands so what does it matter if it hurts to be Bea's friend? What does it matter if I stick my neck out again and get betrayed? It's what being a Christian is all about.
Following Jesus is simple, but not easy. Love until it hurts, and then love more.
-Mother Teresa
So I guess I press on. I guess You pick up the pieces of this broken life put me back together and send me back out. I know You are good and I know You've got me.
But I'm done thinking You want me to be with a woman. I'm done sticking my neck out there romantically. I'm taking a LONG rest from that sort of pain. I'll love strangers and my heart will break for them when Alcohol takes their life or HIV turns to AIDS or they move to San Francisco but I'm done trusting people to return that sort of affection because it just doesn't happen. I haven't seen love willingly return to me without some sort of manipulation or convincing or coercing from my side. I'll dish it out but I'm not counting on it or expecting it.
Praise You Jesus that You are faithful and that You first loved me. I don't have to worry about my love not being returned because You loved me before I even know You.
You are good and no matter what people do to me You are my rock my fortress.