02/26/14

Today is Travis' 26th Birthday.

Later I went to visit Shemaiah son of Delaiah and grandson of Mehetabel, who was confined to his home. He said, “Let us meet together inside the Temple of God and bolt the doors shut. Your enemies are coming to kill you tonight.” But I replied, “Should someone in my position run from danger? Should someone in my position enter the Temple to save his life? No, I won’t do it!” I realized that God had not spoken to him, but that he had uttered this prophecy against me because Tobiah and Sanballat had hired him. They were hoping to intimidate me and make me sin. Then they would be able to accuse and discredit me.
-Nehemiah 6

"Should someone in my position run from danger? Should someone in my position enter the Temple to save his life? No, I won’t do it!"

Is Nehemiah saying that to run from danger, to protect yourself in times of fear is a sin?

Last year Bea and I drove to Cleveland for an Urban Revival Poverty sort of Conference. While we were there we went to a workshop that taught on the book of Nehemiah and urban neighborhoods. That teaching always stuck with me and in fact I am reminded of it now.

Martin Luther King Jr was a sort of Nehemiah to the southern black community in the 1960's and during his life time many, many people made threats towards the life of he and his family. But MLK did not allow fear to drive him. He knew the convictions in his heart and he pressed on in spite of every threat.

As I continue my journey seeking and knocking in search of truth in understanding about hope and fear this scripture seems to shine more light.

"They were hoping to intimidate me and make me sin."

Nehemiah had a task, he had a hope and nothing was going to keep him from that hope. NOTHING. To allow myself to be intimidated to fear, is to sin. Martin Luther King would not allow the fear of death to keep him from his hope.

There is a great power that satan uses towards us called fear. It drives and controls the actions of those who are asleep. It steers humans straight into slavery and death.

There is a greaters power that Jesus uses called hope. It conquers fear it is for those who have faith. It sets the human heart free no matter the circumstance. It is beyond anything fear can touch. It steers humans to life.

Fear may keep a human on this earth longer but they will have never lived.
Hope may make a man's life short but he will have truly lived.

Every man dies, not every man really lives
-William Wallace

I wrote a four word letter
with post-script in crooked lines,
Though I'd lived I'd never been alive.
And you know who I am
you held my hem as I traveled blind,
Listening to the whispering in my ear, soft but getting stronger,
Telling me the only purpose of my being here is to stay a bit longer.
-Four Letter Word (Pt. Two) - mewithoutYou

Is the only purpose of my being here to stay a bit longer? Is that the goal of life? to last for a while only to inevitably die a few moments later?

I am reminded of the film Les Misérables when the young revolutionaries are pinned against the entire french army but they do not surrender, they do not fear. They although much too young lived more than some who see the age 99.

Life is more than surviving, Life is more than fear. Life isn't measured in years.

Jesus died at the age of 33
Martin Luther King Jr died at the age of 39

These lives, although shorter than what I would consider a full life, consisted of more living than most do in 3 times that amount.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

"All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent."

The goal of life isn't to stay a bit longer.

But He’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don’t take yourself too seriously, take God seriously.
-Micah 6

Waterdeep - I'm afraid I'm not supposed to be like this

02/22/14

...Instead of taking men's freedom from them, Thou didst make it greater than ever! Didst Thou forget that man prefers peace, and even death, to freedom of choice in the knowledge of good and evil? Nothing is more seductive for man than his freedom of conscience, but nothing is a greater cause of suffering. And behold, instead of giving a firm foundation for setting the conscience of man at rest forever, Thou didst choose all that is exceptional, vague and puzzling. Thou didst choose what was utterly beyond the strength of men, acting as though Thou didst not love them at all - Thou who didst come to give Thy life for them! Instead of taking possession of men's freedom, Thou didst increase it, and burdening the spiritual kingdom of mankind with its sufferings forever. Thou didst desire man's free love, that he should follow Thee freely, enticed and taken captive by Thee. In place of the rigid ancient law, man must hereafter with free heart decide for himself what is good and what is evil, having only Thy image before him as his guide. But didst Thou not know he would at last reject even Thy image and Thy truth, if he is weighed down with the fearful burden of free choice?
-The Brothers Karamazov: Part Two: Book V: Pro and Contra: 5. The Grand Inquisitor, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

The Grand Inquisitor - The Open University


Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.
-Galatians 5:1

It is for freedom Christ has set us free!
I shall not live in fear.
I shall not live in laziness.
I shall not live in pain dodging.
I shall live in freedom. Though it is petrifying, it is uncertain, it is the narrow difficult path I shall walk the path of freedom. I shall never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on me!

There is pain in this life, there is evil but man is good. Man is made in the imagine of God and God is GREAT! Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom and the Spirit lives inside of all of us!

Though some humans may choose to imprison cows there are others who choose to set them free!

For you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture.
-Malachi 4

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I’m free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I’ll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levee and my bluff
Let the flood wash me
-Farther Along, Josh Garrels

IT IS FOR FREEDOM CHRIST HAS SET US FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have found my hope and it is in Jesus!

the Soil & the Sun - Are You?

02/19/14

As I continue down this path of life I keep running into this fork in the road leading to either pride or humility.

The more I journey the more I seem to be able to identify these paths as they appear along the way.

Defeat
Failure
Loss

they have always seemed so disgusting to me.
I would always choose the path of pride rather than the path of Christ in order to avoid this sickening feeling of humiliation.

Why?
Why have I always done this? Why have I refused to go certain places?
Why are some places some states of being completely out of the question for my life?

Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal.
-John 12

Fuck that! my pride yells inside of me flaring up whenever the tender loving voice of God finds my ear and speaks softly the truth of letting go.

But if I let go how will I get what I want?
If I stop pursuing how will I reach what I want?

I always seem to go back and forth between Bob Goff's words of kicking down doors and Jesus' words of letting the seed die.

How can both coexist?

But of course the answer lies at the heart of each issue as they appear on my journey.

Pride or dignity?

Am I kicking down the door because to let the seed die would be to taste failure?
Or am I kicking down the door because to remain silent is to say I no longer care?

trust.
Fear.

But what is truly at the heart of this?
What is really overflowing from my heart whenever I speak?

Fear.

The fear of failure.

Pride.

Why?

because of my stupid pride. Because of the fear of pain and the admitting of failure.

Because my pride, my flesh fears death. Because it fears failure.

Because I don't trust anything in this life.
Because I believe if I don't reach out and grab what I want in life then God certainly won't. God will give me nice things and meet my needs but God won't give me true happiness God won't give me the best. No if I want the best I must fight for it. I must knock down doors and grip tightly with white knuckles refusing to let go. Always gritting my teeth and pushing forward.

But that isn't true. That isn't God.

God is good.
God gives the best gifts.

why the fuck don't I trust God?
Why don't I have hope?

I am so scared of trust I am so scared of hope.

What if God fails?
What if I'm miserable?
What if I'm lonely?

I think the more and more I begin to face these fears and I get closer and closer to the heart of my heart I realize something that I am so fucking scared to admit but it keeps popping up again and again like water through holes in a sinking boat the more I plug the more I seem to find water elsewhere.

...

I don't believe in God.

I don't.

I don't have faith in God.
I don't trust God.
I don't have hope in God.

And I'm so scared. It has been sitting there in the pit of my being for so long and I keep running from it and I keep putting up these stupid fake shows.

But why? God you see my heart. You know my doubt. You see past this show.

I'm tired of running from it I'm tired of acting like I have faith.

The truth is I love Jesus' teaching.
I love the wisdom of the bible
I love the truth God has to offer.

I believe God created the universe.

But who God is, I believe God is a distant and uninterested being. I do not believe in an all loving God although I want to. Oh how I want to.

You say that you are close, is close the closest star? You just feel twice as far.

All we have are our experiences. The only reason we find truth in anything is when we compare it to our realities and if it matches up we accept it as truth.

But is that what truth is? is it simply dependent on our limited experiences?

What if I was told a truth that didn't line up with my experiences? To believe that truth. To trust it would take faith.

So I am told God loves, I am told God listens, I am told God is good.
But I don't have faith in it.

I like the idea but when it comes time to lay my seed into the ground when it comes time to die to myself when it comes time to sell it all and follow Jesus, I find in myself the fear of a doubtful coward.

After Jesus crossed over by boat, a large crowd met him at the seaside. One of the meeting-place leaders named Jairus came. When he saw Jesus, he fell to his knees, beside himself as he begged, “My dear daughter is at death’s door. Come and lay hands on her so she will get well and live.” Jesus went with him, the whole crowd tagging along, pushing and jostling him. A woman who had suffered a condition of hemorrhaging for twelve years—a long succession of physicians had treated her, and treated her badly, taking all her money and leaving her worse off than before—had heard about Jesus. She slipped in from behind and touched his robe. She was thinking to herself, “If I can put a finger on his robe, I can get well.” The moment she did it, the flow of blood dried up. She could feel the change and knew her plague was over and done with. At the same moment, Jesus felt energy discharging from him. He turned around to the crowd and asked, “Who touched my robe?” His disciples said, “What are you talking about? With this crowd pushing and jostling you, you’re asking, ‘Who touched me?’ Dozens have touched you!” But he went on asking, looking around to see who had done it. The woman, knowing what had happened, knowing she was the one, stepped up in fear and trembling, knelt before him, and gave him the whole story. Jesus said to her, “Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you’re healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague.” While he was still talking, some people came from the leader’s house and told him, “Your daughter is dead. Why bother the Teacher any more?” Jesus overheard what they were talking about and said to the leader, “Don’t listen to them; just trust me.” He permitted no one to go in with him except Peter, James, and John. They entered the leader’s house and pushed their way through the gossips looking for a story and neighbors bringing in casseroles. Jesus was abrupt: “Why all this busybody grief and gossip? This child isn’t dead; she’s sleeping.” Provoked to sarcasm, they told him he didn’t know what he was talking about. But when he had sent them all out, he took the child’s father and mother, along with his companions, and entered the child’s room. He clasped the girl’s hand and said, “Talitha koum,” which means, “Little girl, get up.” At that, she was up and walking around! This girl was twelve years of age. They, of course, were all beside themselves with joy. He gave them strict orders that no one was to know what had taken place in that room. Then he said, “Give her something to eat.”
-Mark 5

How do I truly feel about this story?
What is in the inner most of my heart?
...Oh great Jesus you saved one man's daughter from death but how many other daughters died in that exact same moment? How many Lakota daughters? Germanic daughters? Brazilian daughters? African daughters? Asian daughters?

Do You expect me to have faith and hope each time I come to You in prayer with my requests that I will be the Jairus of the bunch praying for our desires? That my prayer will be the daughter You choose to raise in that moment?

What sort of hope is this? planting apple trees on the eve of Armageddon, how? How can anyone have such hope? To pray without expectations. To hope without the influence of the outcome.

Oh how I want such hope. Oh how I am consumed by my cynical instincts.

so what do I do about this?

All I have are my experiences.
I compare this story to my reality and I find in it a gap.
Does that exclude it from a truth? Because I have never witnessed a daughter being raised from the dead, Jesus could never raise ANY daughters from the dead?

What if I was told a truth that didn't line up with my experiences? To believe that truth. To trust it would take faith.

How the hell am I suppose to have faith?
What is faith?

The apostles came up and said to the Master, “Give us more faith.” But the Master said, “You don’t need more faith. There is no ‘more’ or ‘less’ in faith. If you have a bare kernel of faith, say the size of a poppy seed, you could say to this sycamore tree, ‘Go jump in the lake,’ and it would do it."
-Luke 17

I don't trust You God.

You say to simply have faith
Then you say faith is faith and the amount matters not?

Which brings me back to this fork in the road down this path of life...

pride or humility?

Do I lay myself down and pick up my cross? Do I trust that You will take care of me? Do I trust that You've got not simply my needs in Your hands but rather the best? Do I trust that You are the key to life and life to the fullest?

Or do I continue to grit my teeth with white knuckles as I cling to this life?

I want to believe. I want to trust. I want to hope.

I feel as though I have faith the size of a mustard seed...so I suppose I have all I need.

Do I trust You that this mustard seed faith is enough?

Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?
-Matthew 7

What choice do I have? I'm exhausted from this life of manipulation and control. I'm tired of worrying and working to get what I want out of this life. You tell me You are good. You tell me You are love. You tell me Your plans for me are good. You tell me You give better gifts.

Ok, lets do this God. Why not? I'll jump in the water out of the boat. What have I got to lose?
From this moment on, no more shows, no more acts, no more masks with You God. I will tell You what I want and how I feel. In the same way I will choose humility over pride at every fork. I will choose love. I will choose forgiveness. I will choose thought over fear.

#TheBrothersKaramazov #FyodorDostoyevsky #love pic.twitter.com/2cKS1lXXS7

— Adam (@ZMorris93) February 17, 2014

I will love like Dostoyevsky writes about.
I will love everything! I will experience everything You have for me.
I want to feel each cold step in the snow, I want to hear the crunch as I walk. I want to see the beauty You've made today. I want to listen for the songs of the day. I want to taste the frosty air deep in my lungs. Today I will taste this coffee in the mug like never before. Today I will enjoy the steam touching my nose, the smell, the warmth of the mug. Today I will live and to live is to love.

I want to take the good with the bad the Yin with the Yang. I've realized that I cannot stand anywhere in the sun without created a shadow. For every spot of light there is darkness. I will choose to see the light in everything.

Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have! You can’t worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you’ll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can’t worship God and Money both. If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds. Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
-Matthew 6

OK Jesus You say not to worry about what I eat or wear, You say to stop worrying about getting and to start looking for God's giving. I'm jumping out of the boat!

This is my suicide note to life.
Today I die and Today I start truly living.
Today I let go.
Today I hope.
Today I trust.
Today I love.

Nothing in the world is harder than telling the truth and nothing easier than flattery.
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Today I choose truth over fear.

twenty one pilots - Screen

02/15/14

Then Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve disciples, went to the leading priests and asked, “How much will you pay me to betray Jesus to you?” And they gave him thirty pieces of silver. From that time on, Judas began looking for an opportunity to betray Jesus.
-Matthew 26

Louis C.K. - If God Came Back


We sell God for money.

We all do it and we do it so many different ways.
We enslave our brothers from Africa and ship them across an ocean.
We push our brothers from this country and wipe out their bison.
We kidnap girls and sell them.
We mow over forests,
We level mountains,
We dam rivers
We chain our brothers and sisters behind iron bars
We draw lines on paper and claim this ground is mine and this is yours

What are we doing?
As if pieces of paper with dead mens faces on them can be worth more than sick brothers and sisters and hungry children.

Louis is completely right and the guy doesn't consider himself a Christian yet he sees more clearly than those who claim to have this unconditional limitless love living within them.

What are we doing here?
What am I doing here?
What am I living for?
What am I silently condoning as I exist in this society?

Its as if God is standing in front of me and I'm saying I'll take my pieces of silver instead.

We settle for slavery because freedom is too stressful.
We'd rather blindly follow than to think.
We would rather sleep than have faith.

I want to exist within among and alongside of creation.
I don't want to fight it, destroy it, change it.

The Tree Of Life - Way Of Nature, Way Of Grace


We can get angry, we can rage, we can demand our own way.
Or we can exist, come what may. We can live a life open handed. Receiving as things come and letting go as things leave.

The way of nature, the way of pride, the way of anger, it is the way that sells God for pieces of metal. It is blind.

The way of grace, the way of humility, the way of forgiveness, it is the way to freedom. It has sight.

Jesus, give me sight.

Counting Crows ft. Vanessa Carlton - Big Yellow Taxi

02/12/14

Now regarding your question about the young women who are not yet married. I do not have a command from the Lord for them. But the Lord in his mercy has given me wisdom that can be trusted, and I will share it with you. Because of the present crisis, I think it is best to remain as you are. If you have a wife, do not seek to end the marriage. If you do not have a wife, do not seek to get married. But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems.
-1 Corinthians 7

Paul says I do not have a command from the Lord for this issue.
But at the end of this section he says he is trying to spare the readers "those problems".
I believe this is why Paul did not receive a command from the Lord because God is never for dodging pain and problems. God wants us to be free come what may.

This past Monday Bea showed up to the pantry and I realized a lot of things.

First this time when she walked in I felt completely different from when she arrived on Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving I felt a pit in my gut. I felt nervous to talk to her. I felt scared and afraid of what the outcome would be.

This time my heart leap like John in the womb when she came through the door. I wasn't worried or afraid of pain she would or could cause me but rather I was happy to see her.

I have always wandered what love is.
If I looked to my parents for an example of love I would think it is two humans cohabiting.
If I looked to media, movies, television, books, I would think love is about finding someone who makes me happy.
If I followed my own feelings I would think love is about running from loneliness.

All of these things are byproducts of love but are still missing the mark.

Monday night I felt something else.

Something I have only learned about from reading in the bible and experiencing from God.

The reason Paul doesn't have guidance from the Holy Spirit on marriage is because Paul is suggesting to run from fear and pain. That is why he calls it "wisdom that can be trusted" following Paul's advice will keep me safe and out of troubles but it won't help me have life to the fullest.

What they call love is a risk.

I know I always say it because I believe it is an absolute truth.

Standing there looking into Bea's gorgeous big brown eyes listening to her dream about Vegas, and San Francisco, and Jamaica, I started to see Bea not as someone who can cure loneliness or someone who can make me happy but rather the woman God has made her to be.

Monday before the pantry as I lay on the floor recovering from a stomach bug I finally watched the movie "Into the Wild" as I was watching it I realized that Chris had to go on his 'Great Alaskan Adventure' even though he had encountered all of these people who loved him.
His parents who's love he was blinded to.
The rubber tramp couple who's love he was blinded to.
The farmer who's love he was blinded to.
The young hippie girl
and finally the old man who asked to adopt him.
Chris had to do what was in him. He had to chase what was burning inside him and he wasn't going to be satisfied until he had done what the heart God placed inside of him was beating for.

as I quoted last week:
Christianity's about effort - about expending blood, sweat and tears to be what you've been designed by God to be and do what you've been designed by God to do. That's certainly not incompatible with personal fulfilment and lasting happiness - quite the reverse.
-Absolute Truths

our calling isn't always one of a standard biblical call. It is whatever God has placed in our hearts. Sometimes that's art, sometimes it's exploring, sometimes its simply accounting. Whatever it is it is the one thing that we have no problem expending blood, sweat and tears over in order to accomplish. That is the key to personal fulfilment and lasting happiness, that is the key to God's purpose planted in our hearts.

Chris had to go. But the wisdom Chris learned while slowly starving to death in the magic bus is what I find most interesting and shockingly overlooked in the film and in his life. As Chris was dying he wrote down

Happiness only real when shared
-Chris McCandless

The only way for God to cure Chris' blindness was to let Chris seek truth and follow his heart. There and only there can God heal us and show us His truth.

As I thought about Chris McCandless and I listened to Bea dream her dreams I realized the same thing all of those people along the journey of Chris' life realized. They loved him and they didn't want him to leave them but in the end they let him go BECAUSE they loved him. Because they knew he had to do what was in his heart. He had to.

That's what love is.

Love isn't letting go to see if they will come back.
Love isn't fighting, and chasing, and pursuing, although there are seasons for such things.
Love is about the being who God created. It's about seeing that creation exactly as God crafted her in her purest unbiased form.

Love is being for her.

not so that she can cure my loneliness
not so that she will come back to me
not so that I get what I want

but simply because she is who she is.
Because she is beautifully and wonderfully made.
Because God first loved me.

Love is an agonizing dangerous path with fear lurking at every step of the way but it is so worth the price that Your love says do it any way.

If I told Bea to stay and she did and we dated I wouldn't be dating the woman my love is for. I'd be dating a caged bird. The woman I care for is the woman who desires to go to Vegas and San Fran and God knows where else.

To see past myself and to see her whole true self in spite of my selfish fears and desires that is love.

To be for her.

Love doesn't mean it will always end in marriage. Love has any paths and takes many shapes.
Love sometimes ends in marriage but it isn't limited or constricted to it.

letting go and forgiveness have a lot in common.

Jesus tells us to forgive 70 x 7 times.
I think the same is true for letting go.

To let go is to wake up every morning release the person to God only to find your heart may be chained to it again the next morning.

But there is hope in God.

These lives are filled with resurrections.

Teach me how to trust you Jesus. Teach me how to love not the ways they do in movies or books but Your way.

free her heart. from fear. May she be free to go where ever her heart calls out of freedom. Not running from anything and equally as important not running to anything but that in the freedom of her heart she may also find peace in that big attractive amazing heart of hers.

heal Bea. From pain in a broken family. from unhealthy past relationships. from the need to always run. from the fear of growing up, to become the woman You have sprouted within her.

She will become in time become.

heal me

Eddie Vedder - Society

02/10/14

A→B Life

Let us die, let us die
Dying we reply
"don't talk to us about suffering,
look in our eyes".
Let us be, let us be-
Our closeness is such that
wherever she rests her head
in the softness underneath,
she'll feel me - and you will feel me.

Je leverai les yeux a toi- (I will raise my eyes to you)
J'ai change cent foi de nom (I have changed my name [many] 100 times)
Je leverai les yeux a toi- (I will raise my eyes to you)
Je n'ai pas d'spoir. (and I will not lose hope)

When you laugh you'll feel my breath there
filling up your lungs. And when you cry,
those aren't your tears but I'm there
falling down your cheek.
and when you say you love him, taste me
I'm like poison on your tongue-
But when you're tired, if you're quiet,
you'll hear me singing you to sleep.

mewithoutYou - Bullet To Binary


I'll lie down for the last time
and fall well away from her
And I insist that I'll be dearly missed
(please, say never)
I'll pour down like water
In between the sky and doubt
we talked about 'forever'
and all our other useless words.

Until I say "in his silent sound was the
peace I found" but she hides behind
her eyelids. I feel the breath from
her nose on my neck as it blows by.
the warmth passes me (like her love did)
"But a tree once cut down
came up new from the ground"
she smiles a lie, "that may very well be,"
she replies "and so it goes,
it's the devil, I suppose but it doesn't matter much to me."

Put music to our troubles
and we'll dance them away.

From my left eye flow tears of joy,
of sorrow from my right.
"You might seem too strong to surrender,
boy, but you're far too frail to fight."
That old dull pain beats in my brain
it runs down my back into every limb-
And its more of the same
as the warmth that I seem to lack,
you'll neither find in him.

mewithoutYou - The Ghost


You were a song that I couldn't sing
you were a story I couldn't tell
I've only ever loved myself
But I've loved myself so well.
And how defeated I return!
(you're nice and blue, you're nice and blue)
I missed what I was supposed to learn
as all I learned about was missing you.

A life left half behind, though no longer
blind I can't yet see. I'm not the boy that
I once was, but I'm not the man I'll be.
I've been waiting now, for six years on
(and have only just begun)
For the day you'll hold her in your arms,
oh risen Lord, my precious one.

I was once the wine, and you the wineglass.
I was once alive, when you held me.
God became the glass,
all things left were emptiness
Oh, my little girl, if you look out
and see a trace of dark red that used
to be my face, in the clarity of his
grace: remember me.

mewithoutYou - Nice and Blue


I heard you call for me
I saw you die for me
If only you'd burn for me
If only you'd come for me

I heard you call for me
If only you'd die for me
I saw you burn for me
If only you'd come for me

Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.

As we melt let's make no noise
oh the profanation of our love
to tell the world our passing joys!
And we, besides, care less to miss
our eyes and lips and hands.

(but honey, I'm not who you think I am!)

And so you'll be to me
who must obliquely run
"thy firmness makes my circle just,
and makes me end where I begun"
There's nothing wrong
as I'll be somewhere singing all along.

(no! tell me, where have you gone, my love.)

mewithoutYou - Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt


mewithoutYou - A


We never met, you and I
We were always inside, we were somewhere inside
one another. And I'll live without you love,
but what good is one glove, without the other?

Still you only ask about my leaving,
well honey I had no choice, so
I call and (when you hear that heavy breathing)
for that sound of your voice.

But you sit there silent, folded arms
And look down as I walk by
Though my face has changed, you know it's me
You know by the stillness in my eyes.
Come and whisper in my ear, "you're very pretty, dear" and
"it'll be alright." You're lying!
But I don't mind tonight.

So I wander and I wander
Your absence beating inside my chest
I try but I can't remember
The color of your eyes- just the shape of your dress.

And through a garden overgrown
Oh, it's a long walk home.
I said I'd not come back, well I'm coming back-
and you'd better be alone.

Sit there silent, folded arms
And you smile as I walk by
Though my face has changed, but you know it's me
Come and whisper in my ear, "my dear"
"it'll be alright."

mewithoutYou - Gentlemen


I said my goodbyes to the sun
my little one, so far away.
And how strange, how small we must become
yet as familiar as yesterday

The bluest iris that I'd ever seen
She vanished like a dream, sinking back
into the ground
Singing, 'Maybe I'm ashamed, and maybe I wept real tears.'
But maybe she was hiding because she wanted to be found...
You wanted to be found!

Don't be afraid of him.
Be still.

mewithoutYou - Be Still, Child


Save my skin, I need a medic
Hold me down, I'm only sewn down.
Save my teeth, show me you meant it
Catch my death, I'm only sewn together.

this last time I'll be there beside you despite all that I've said
there's meaningless, meaningless things to do a life to live instead
and each day seems the same to me but harder all the time
until I turn to Jesus, my love, my peace, I find

My eyelids are heavy, and the night's wearing on
Your story's familiar, and your innocence is gone
We'd burn like the morning then break like your heart
Fall in love without warning just to fall back apart
All fevered and blistered, the whole world at stake
I feel the warmth of her whisper and the cold of my mistakes
Her soul in the balance, my heart in her hands
I made her a widow, she made me a man.

mewithoutYou - We Know Who Our Enemies Are


You might sleep, but you'll never dream
Onward! Progress! Or so it seems.
You might laugh, but you'll never smile.
Come on in and waste away awhile.

When dreams of rings of flowers fade and blur
Giving way to that familiar ill
come over and part your soft white curtains
Where I'm waiting for you still
If you'd unlatch the window,
If you'd let me lay there on your floor
If you'd give me another chance,
If you'd forget the pain I caused before
No use in saying how I'm sorry
So I'm trying not to speak
I'll sing in silence, lay beside you
With my face there on your cheek
My stomach swears there's comfort there
In the warmth of the blankets on your bed
My stomach's always been a liar-
I'll believe it's lies again.

mewithoutYou - I Never Said That I Was Brave


mewithoutYou - B


Don't waste your lips on words I've heard before
Kiss my tired head.
And each letter written wastes your hand, young man
Come and lead me to your bed
You gave me hope that I'd not lost her
And then thought it rather strange to see me smile-
as I don't do too much smiling these days.

She put on happiness like a loose dress
Over pain I'll never know
"So the peace you had," she says,
"I must confess, I'm glad to see it go."
We're two white roses lying frozen just outside his door
I've made you so happy and so sad,
But which should I be more sorry for?

Come kiss my face goodbye,
that space below my eye and above my cheek
Cause I'm faint and fading fast, I see a darkness
And I shall be released.
I'll pass like a fever from this body,
And softly slip into his hands
I tried to love you and I failed,
But I have another plan.

My Lord, how long to sing this song?
And my Lord, how much more of this pretending to be strong?
When she stands before your throne
Dressed in beauty not her own
All soft and small, you'll hear her call
"you brought me here, now take me home."

mewithoutYou - Silencer


The cure for pain is in the pain,
so it's there that you'll find me.
Until again I forget,
and again he reminds me,
"Hear my voice in your head,
and think of me kindly."

Let me be, let me be..

Lowered down like a casket
and buried just below her chest.
"Whatever I was searching for,
it was never you," she says.
The record ended long ago,
we go on dancing nonetheless.

I opened like a locket,
"If you're ever cold," I wrote,
"there's warmth inside me.
I'm the pocket of an old winter coat."
But where she used to say "I need you."
Now...."I don't."

You'd only make the softest sound,
like sugar pouring into tea.
Darling let your Self pour down
and dissolve into the Love
who revealed himself there quietly to me...

(Jesus have mercy on us.)

mewithoutYou - The Cure for Pain

02/08/14

Christianity's about effort - about expending blood, sweat and tears to be what you've been designed by God to be and do what you've been designed by God to do. That's certainly not incompatible with personal fulfilment and lasting happiness - quite the reverse. What's incompatible is not bothering to find out who one is, settling for something less or something other than what one should be, trampling on others in order to realise a self designed by the ego instead of valuing and caring for others in order to realise the true self designed by God.
-Chapter 21 Section 10 Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch

The more I pursue the heart of God the more I find the same theme, the same message, the same absolute truth.

God is about freedom.
God is about love.
God is about truth.
God is for life.

The more I dig for God the more I find how much God wants us to battle fear. How much God wants us to conquer sleep. To live.

Personal fulfilment and lasting happiness can be found in expending blood, sweat and tears. To express what God has placed in our hearts. To be exactly what we are designed to be without the influence of human opinions or inner fears.

I am reminded again of what Bea told me about reconnecting to God through the sweat or our brow.

what fulfilment would there be in a life of settling and trampling? It isn't the true self. It isn't the true creation God has designed. It is a result of fear and imprisonment.

Lately the more I've been learning about God's heart the less words I've been able to write. The shorter and shorter my prayers seem to get.

I find myself more and more sitting in silence trying to comprehend but finding that the more I comprehend the more I realize I don't understand and the whole journey of seeking and knocking turns into a place of rest and adoration.

But its strange how the journey of seeking and knocking may lead you to a place of realizing God has been inside you with you everywhere but the journey is still a very crucial part.

Without the seeking there can be no rest and it is in the rest that I find the need to seek.

Teach me how to trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

The Psalters - Badlands

02/06/14

She touched the clay with a sensuous gesture which implied a satisfaction physical in its intensity, and not for the first time I thought how strange artists were. With their capacity to seal themselves away in a private world and retreat deep into a forest of mental forms which no ordinary person could penetrate, they seem almost inhuman as they slaved constantly to explore humanity. Harriet caressed her work like a mother; I suspected it would always mean more to her than any infant of flesh and blood, and that it was probably no accident that she was childless. Yet I felt that she must know more about the deepest emotions of maternity than some mothers, and I saw then that although she was obviously capable of profound passion, every ounce of it was so fond of Aysgarth. Any affectionate, amusing, intelligent male who made no time-wasting demands would be a highly prized acquaintance.
"I always wanted to do those hands of his," she said, "but I could never see the right way to present them. Then about a year ago they began to haunt me. I dreamed about them, thought of them night and day - until finally I saw how they had to be done."
"And after that did everything go smoothly?"
"Good God, no! Quite the reverse. Creation has to be the greatest pleasure in the universe, but it can be pretty damned harrowing when the work's in process."
"You never thought of giving up?"
"Don't be ridiculous! When things go wrong I don't chuck in the towel. I just slave harder than ever to make everything come right. Making everything come right, that's what it's all about. No matter how many disasters happen, no matter how many difficulties I encounter, I can't rest until I've brought order out of chaos and made everything come right. Of course I made a lot of mistakes. I turned down various blind alleys and had to rework everything to get back on course. But that's normal. You can't create without waste and mess and sheer undiluted slog - you can't create without pain. It's all part of the process. Its in the nature of things. You theologians talk a lot about creation, but as far as I can see none of you know the first damn thing about it. God didn't create the world in seven days and then sit back and say: 'Gee-whiz, that's great!' He created the first outlines of his project to end all projects and he said: 'Yes, that's got a lot of potential but how the hell do I realize it without making a first-class balls up?' And then the real hard work began.
"And still continues. Theologians don't believe God withdrew from the world after the first creation blast and forgot about it"
"Of course he couldn't forget! No creator can forget! If the blast-off's successful you're hooked, and once you're hooked you're inside the work as well as outside it, it's part of you, you're welded to it, you're enslaved, and that's why it's such bloody hell when things go adrift. But no matter how much the mess and distortion make you want to despair, you can't abandon the work because you're chained to the bloody thing, it's absolutely woven into your soul and you know you can never rest until you've brought truth out of all the distortion and beauty out of all the mess - but it's agony, agony, agony - while simultaneously being the most wonderful and rewarding experience in the world - and that's the creative process which so few people understand. It involves an indestructible sort of fidelity, an insane sort of hope, an indescribable sort of... well, it's love, isn't it? There's no other word for it. You love the work and you suffer with it and always - always - you're slaving away against all odds to make everything come right. Every step I take - every bit of the clay I ever touch - they're all there in the final work. If they hadn't happened, then this wouldn't exist. In fact they had to happen for the work to emerge as it is, So in the end every major disaster, every time error, every wrong turning, every fragment of discarded clay, all the blood, sweat and tears - everything has meaning. I give it meaning. I reuse, reshape, recast all that goes wrong so that in the end nothing is wasted and nothing is without significance and nothing ceases to be precious to me."
-Chapter 17 Section 2 Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch

Teach me how to trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

Pocahontas - Steady As The Beating Drum

02/04/14

You think I'm an ignorant savage
And you've been so many places
I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see
If the savage one is me
How can there be so much that you don't know,
You don't know?

You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sunsweet berries of the Earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once, never wonder what they're worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends

How high will the sycamore grow?
If you cut it down, then you'll never know
And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon

For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the Earth and still
All you'll own is Earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

Pocahontas - Colors of the Wind


Over the past couple months I've been getting more and more intrigued about the people who lived in this land before us.

the Arawak peoples from whom that garden Bea and I worked at this fall was named after.
Red Cloud the Oglala Lakota man who the book "The Heart of Everything That Is" is about.
Chief Washakie who's statue and name I saw everywhere on the #XcountryXmas trip in Wyoming.
Bill Moose, The Last Wyandot in the Ohio Region, I learned about in the Columbus Neighborhoods documentary series about Clintonville.
I just rewatched Pocahontas the Disney movie recently.
The 150th anniversary of the "Long Walk" the Navajo tribe had to endure.
and of course Wauseon, the Potawatomi Indian chief my hometown is named after.

I can't seem to stop thinking about their way of life. The way they treated the Earth. The way they connected with The Great Spirit. The way they didn't fight against nature but rather embraced it and existed alongside it. They understood and respected Creation. How the white man may have had advanced technologies and luxuries but it paled in comparison to the native's advanced and profound wisdom.

It will still be centuries, if ever, before we as a people might begin to scratch the surface of the wisdom and harmony the tribes lived in.

The audacity to call these people savages as we murder, swindle, and shove them off of the land that they love and appreciate more than we could ever begin to understand.

We declare ownership over sections of Earth we draft documents and treaties as if the native people could even begin to comprehend the idea of owning any part of Creation. We laugh because they didn't understand about land deeds and territories, who are the savages?

Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once, never wonder what they're worth

How much closer the people who use to walk this land were to God than all the European theologians and Popes and religious experts.

I hope we as a people could one day be as advanced as the people who lived here before us.

Teach me how to trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

02/01/14

"...God, isn't life bloody sometimes!"
"Yes."
"Are you just saying that to be nice to me?"
"No."
"Thank God. Lord, this is a damned odd conversation to be having with a bishop! Excuse me while I just pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming -"
"It's no dream. Good to meet someone else who's gone through hell lately."
"Isn't it wonderful? It makes all the difference to know there's someone else screaming alongside you - and that's the point of the Incarnation, I can see that so clearly now. God came into the world and screamed alongside us. Interesting idea, that. I had a big row once with a Buddhist who played down the hellishness of suffering by... but not, forget the Buddhist, and forget me too. Let's hear about you, Charles. Let's hear about your pain."
I thought: I can't possibly unburden myself further to a homosexual actor with whom I have nothing in common.
But then it seemed to me that we had a great deal in common at that moment and that with his actor's ability to empathise he would give me the support I needed as I struggled to survive my ordeal.
"I bet you're asking yourself how the hell you're going to endure the unendurable," Said Martin suddenly, and when I said: "Yes, I am," I saw at last that in my darkest hours I was to be helped not by a priest at all, nor indeed by any of my familiar Christian friends, but by a stranger who stood on the margins of conventional society, by one of the outcasts and sinners to whom Christ had long ago stretched out his hand.
-Chapter 15 Section 5 Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch

In the same way, you men must give honor to women. Treat women with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
1 Peter 3

What is it to be a woman?

It is an entirely different world in which women live in.

I wish I could live as a woman for a season to understand.

"It makes all the difference to know there's someone else screaming alongside you"

To live as a white middle class male in America, how could I empathize with any oppressed minority?

Women,
Blacks,
Gays,
Muslims,

How could I even begin to understand?

I'm not even going to try to begin to act like I know the first thing about being a woman. What I do know, I am acutely aware of my vast ignorance on the subject of empathy towards my counter gender.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

Mary Lambert - Bodylove


Know girls who are trying to fit into the social norm
Like squeezing into last year's prom dress
I know girls who are low rise, mac eyeshadow, and binge drinking
I know girls that wonder if they're disaster and sexy enough to fit in
I know girls who are fleeing bombs from the mosques of their skin
Playing russian roulette with death; it's never easy to accept
That our bodies are fallible and flawed
But when do we draw the line?
When the knife hits the skin?
Isn't it the same thing as purging
Because we're so obsessed with death
Some women just have more guts than others
The funny thing is women like us don't shoot
We swallow pills, still wanting to be beautiful at the morgue
Still proceeding to put on make-up
Still hoping that the mortician finds us fuckable and attractive
We might as well be buried with our shoes
And handbags and scarves, girls
We flirt with death everytime we etch a new tally mark
Into our skin
I know how to split my wrists like a battlefield too
But the time has come for us to
Reclaim our bodies
Our bodies deserve more than to be war-torn and collateral
Offering this fuckdom as a pathetic means to say
"I only know how to exist when I'm wanted"
Girls like us are hardly ever wanted you know
We're used up and sad and drunk and
Perpetually waiting by the phone for someone to pick up
And tell us that we did good
We did good.
I know I am because I said am,
my body is home
So try this
Take your hands over your bumpy lovebody naked
And remember the first time you touched someone
With the sole purpose of learning all of them
Touched them because the light was pretty on them
And the dust in the sunlight danced the way your heart did
Touch yourself with a purpose
Your body is the most beautiful royal
Fathers and uncles are not claiming your knife anymore
Are not your razor, no
Put the sharpness back
Lay your hands flat and feel the surface of scarred skin
I once touched a tree with charred limbs
The stump was still breathing
But the tops were just ashy remains
I wonder what it's like to come back from that
Sometimes I feel a forest fire erupting from my wrists
And the smoke signals sent out are the most beautiful things
I've ever seen
Love your body the way your mother loved your baby feet
And brother, arm wrapping shoulders, and remember
This is important
You are worth more than who you fuck
You are worth more than a waistline
you are worth more than beer bottles displayed like drunker artifacts
You are worth more than any naked body could proclaim
In the shadows, more than a man's whim
Or your father's mistake
You are no less valuable as a size 16, than a size 4
You are no less valuable as a 32a than a 36c
Your sexiness is defined by concentric circles within your wood
Wisdom
You are a goddamn tree stump with leaves sprouting out
Reborn