As I continue down this path of life I keep running into this fork in the road leading to either pride or humility.
The more I journey the more I seem to be able to identify these paths as they appear along the way.
Defeat
Failure
Loss
they have always seemed so disgusting to me.
I would always choose the path of pride rather than the path of Christ in order to avoid this sickening feeling of humiliation.
Why?
Why have I always done this? Why have I refused to go certain places?
Why are some places some states of being completely out of the question for my life?
Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal.
-John 12
Fuck that! my pride yells inside of me flaring up whenever the tender loving voice of God finds my ear and speaks softly the truth of letting go.
But if I let go how will I get what I want?
If I stop pursuing how will I reach what I want?
I always seem to go back and forth between Bob Goff's words of kicking down doors and Jesus' words of letting the seed die.
How can both coexist?
But of course the answer lies at the heart of each issue as they appear on my journey.
Pride or dignity?
Am I kicking down the door because to let the seed die would be to taste failure?
Or am I kicking down the door because to remain silent is to say I no longer care?
trust.
Fear.
But what is truly at the heart of this?
What is really overflowing from my heart whenever I speak?
Fear.
The fear of failure.
Pride.
Why?
because of my stupid pride. Because of the fear of pain and the admitting of failure.
Because my pride, my flesh fears death. Because it fears failure.
Because I don't trust anything in this life.
Because I believe if I don't reach out and grab what I want in life then God certainly won't. God will give me nice things and meet my needs but God won't give me true happiness God won't give me the best. No if I want the best I must fight for it. I must knock down doors and grip tightly with white knuckles refusing to let go. Always gritting my teeth and pushing forward.
But that isn't true. That isn't God.
God is good.
God gives the best gifts.
why the fuck don't I trust God?
Why don't I have hope?
I am so scared of trust I am so scared of hope.
What if God fails?
What if I'm miserable?
What if I'm lonely?
I think the more and more I begin to face these fears and I get closer and closer to the heart of my heart I realize something that I am so fucking scared to admit but it keeps popping up again and again like water through holes in a sinking boat the more I plug the more I seem to find water elsewhere.
...
I don't believe in God.
I don't.
I don't have faith in God.
I don't trust God.
I don't have hope in God.
And I'm so scared. It has been sitting there in the pit of my being for so long and I keep running from it and I keep putting up these stupid fake shows.
But why? God you see my heart. You know my doubt. You see past this show.
I'm tired of running from it I'm tired of acting like I have faith.
The truth is I love Jesus' teaching.
I love the wisdom of the bible
I love the truth God has to offer.
I believe God created the universe.
But who God is, I believe God is a distant and uninterested being. I do not believe in an all loving God although I want to. Oh how I want to.
You say that you are close, is close the closest star? You just feel twice as far.
All we have are our experiences. The only reason we find truth in anything is when we compare it to our realities and if it matches up we accept it as truth.
But is that what truth is? is it simply dependent on our limited experiences?
What if I was told a truth that didn't line up with my experiences? To believe that truth. To trust it would take faith.
So I am told God loves, I am told God listens, I am told God is good.
But I don't have faith in it.
I like the idea but when it comes time to lay my seed into the ground when it comes time to die to myself when it comes time to sell it all and follow Jesus, I find in myself the fear of a doubtful coward.
After Jesus crossed over by boat, a large crowd met him at the seaside. One of the meeting-place leaders named Jairus came. When he saw Jesus, he fell to his knees, beside himself as he begged, “My dear daughter is at death’s door. Come and lay hands on her so she will get well and live.” Jesus went with him, the whole crowd tagging along, pushing and jostling him. A woman who had suffered a condition of hemorrhaging for twelve years—a long succession of physicians had treated her, and treated her badly, taking all her money and leaving her worse off than before—had heard about Jesus. She slipped in from behind and touched his robe. She was thinking to herself, “If I can put a finger on his robe, I can get well.” The moment she did it, the flow of blood dried up. She could feel the change and knew her plague was over and done with. At the same moment, Jesus felt energy discharging from him. He turned around to the crowd and asked, “Who touched my robe?” His disciples said, “What are you talking about? With this crowd pushing and jostling you, you’re asking, ‘Who touched me?’ Dozens have touched you!” But he went on asking, looking around to see who had done it. The woman, knowing what had happened, knowing she was the one, stepped up in fear and trembling, knelt before him, and gave him the whole story. Jesus said to her, “Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you’re healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague.” While he was still talking, some people came from the leader’s house and told him, “Your daughter is dead. Why bother the Teacher any more?” Jesus overheard what they were talking about and said to the leader, “Don’t listen to them; just trust me.” He permitted no one to go in with him except Peter, James, and John. They entered the leader’s house and pushed their way through the gossips looking for a story and neighbors bringing in casseroles. Jesus was abrupt: “Why all this busybody grief and gossip? This child isn’t dead; she’s sleeping.” Provoked to sarcasm, they told him he didn’t know what he was talking about. But when he had sent them all out, he took the child’s father and mother, along with his companions, and entered the child’s room. He clasped the girl’s hand and said, “Talitha koum,” which means, “Little girl, get up.” At that, she was up and walking around! This girl was twelve years of age. They, of course, were all beside themselves with joy. He gave them strict orders that no one was to know what had taken place in that room. Then he said, “Give her something to eat.”
-Mark 5
How do I truly feel about this story?
What is in the inner most of my heart?
...Oh great Jesus you saved one man's daughter from death but how many other daughters died in that exact same moment? How many Lakota daughters? Germanic daughters? Brazilian daughters? African daughters? Asian daughters?
Do You expect me to have faith and hope each time I come to You in prayer with my requests that I will be the Jairus of the bunch praying for our desires? That my prayer will be the daughter You choose to raise in that moment?
What sort of hope is this? planting apple trees on the eve of Armageddon, how? How can anyone have such hope? To pray without expectations. To hope without the influence of the outcome.
Oh how I want such hope. Oh how I am consumed by my cynical instincts.
so what do I do about this?
All I have are my experiences.
I compare this story to my reality and I find in it a gap.
Does that exclude it from a truth? Because I have never witnessed a daughter being raised from the dead, Jesus could never raise ANY daughters from the dead?
What if I was told a truth that didn't line up with my experiences? To believe that truth. To trust it would take faith.
How the hell am I suppose to have faith?
What is faith?
The apostles came up and said to the Master, “Give us more faith.” But the Master said, “You don’t need more faith. There is no ‘more’ or ‘less’ in faith. If you have a bare kernel of faith, say the size of a poppy seed, you could say to this sycamore tree, ‘Go jump in the lake,’ and it would do it."
-Luke 17
I don't trust You God.
You say to simply have faith
Then you say faith is faith and the amount matters not?
Which brings me back to this fork in the road down this path of life...
pride or humility?
Do I lay myself down and pick up my cross? Do I trust that You will take care of me? Do I trust that You've got not simply my needs in Your hands but rather the best? Do I trust that You are the key to life and life to the fullest?
Or do I continue to grit my teeth with white knuckles as I cling to this life?
I want to believe. I want to trust. I want to hope.
I feel as though I have faith the size of a mustard seed...so I suppose I have all I need.
Do I trust You that this mustard seed faith is enough?
Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?
-Matthew 7
What choice do I have? I'm exhausted from this life of manipulation and control. I'm tired of worrying and working to get what I want out of this life. You tell me You are good. You tell me You are love. You tell me Your plans for me are good. You tell me You give better gifts.
Ok, lets do this God. Why not? I'll jump in the water out of the boat. What have I got to lose?
From this moment on, no more shows, no more acts, no more masks with You God. I will tell You what I want and how I feel. In the same way I will choose humility over pride at every fork. I will choose love. I will choose forgiveness. I will choose thought over fear.
I will love like Dostoyevsky writes about.
I will love everything! I will experience everything You have for me.
I want to feel each cold step in the snow, I want to hear the crunch as I walk. I want to see the beauty You've made today. I want to listen for the songs of the day. I want to taste the frosty air deep in my lungs. Today I will taste this coffee in the mug like never before. Today I will enjoy the steam touching my nose, the smell, the warmth of the mug. Today I will live and to live is to love.
I want to take the good with the bad the Yin with the Yang. I've realized that I cannot stand anywhere in the sun without created a shadow. For every spot of light there is darkness. I will choose to see the light in everything.
Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have! You can’t worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you’ll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can’t worship God and Money both. If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds. Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
-Matthew 6
OK Jesus You say not to worry about what I eat or wear, You say to stop worrying about getting and to start looking for God's giving. I'm jumping out of the boat!
This is my suicide note to life.
Today I die and Today I start truly living.
Today I let go.
Today I hope.
Today I trust.
Today I love.
Nothing in the world is harder than telling the truth and nothing easier than flattery.
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Today I choose truth over fear.
twenty one pilots - Screen
The more I journey the more I seem to be able to identify these paths as they appear along the way.
Defeat
Failure
Loss
they have always seemed so disgusting to me.
I would always choose the path of pride rather than the path of Christ in order to avoid this sickening feeling of humiliation.
Why?
Why have I always done this? Why have I refused to go certain places?
Why are some places some states of being completely out of the question for my life?
Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal.
-John 12
Fuck that! my pride yells inside of me flaring up whenever the tender loving voice of God finds my ear and speaks softly the truth of letting go.
But if I let go how will I get what I want?
If I stop pursuing how will I reach what I want?
I always seem to go back and forth between Bob Goff's words of kicking down doors and Jesus' words of letting the seed die.
How can both coexist?
But of course the answer lies at the heart of each issue as they appear on my journey.
Pride or dignity?
Am I kicking down the door because to let the seed die would be to taste failure?
Or am I kicking down the door because to remain silent is to say I no longer care?
trust.
Fear.
But what is truly at the heart of this?
What is really overflowing from my heart whenever I speak?
Fear.
The fear of failure.
Pride.
Why?
because of my stupid pride. Because of the fear of pain and the admitting of failure.
Because my pride, my flesh fears death. Because it fears failure.
Because I don't trust anything in this life.
Because I believe if I don't reach out and grab what I want in life then God certainly won't. God will give me nice things and meet my needs but God won't give me true happiness God won't give me the best. No if I want the best I must fight for it. I must knock down doors and grip tightly with white knuckles refusing to let go. Always gritting my teeth and pushing forward.
But that isn't true. That isn't God.
God is good.
God gives the best gifts.
why the fuck don't I trust God?
Why don't I have hope?
I am so scared of trust I am so scared of hope.
What if God fails?
What if I'm miserable?
What if I'm lonely?
I think the more and more I begin to face these fears and I get closer and closer to the heart of my heart I realize something that I am so fucking scared to admit but it keeps popping up again and again like water through holes in a sinking boat the more I plug the more I seem to find water elsewhere.
...
I don't believe in God.
I don't.
I don't have faith in God.
I don't trust God.
I don't have hope in God.
And I'm so scared. It has been sitting there in the pit of my being for so long and I keep running from it and I keep putting up these stupid fake shows.
But why? God you see my heart. You know my doubt. You see past this show.
I'm tired of running from it I'm tired of acting like I have faith.
The truth is I love Jesus' teaching.
I love the wisdom of the bible
I love the truth God has to offer.
I believe God created the universe.
But who God is, I believe God is a distant and uninterested being. I do not believe in an all loving God although I want to. Oh how I want to.
You say that you are close, is close the closest star? You just feel twice as far.
All we have are our experiences. The only reason we find truth in anything is when we compare it to our realities and if it matches up we accept it as truth.
But is that what truth is? is it simply dependent on our limited experiences?
What if I was told a truth that didn't line up with my experiences? To believe that truth. To trust it would take faith.
So I am told God loves, I am told God listens, I am told God is good.
But I don't have faith in it.
I like the idea but when it comes time to lay my seed into the ground when it comes time to die to myself when it comes time to sell it all and follow Jesus, I find in myself the fear of a doubtful coward.
After Jesus crossed over by boat, a large crowd met him at the seaside. One of the meeting-place leaders named Jairus came. When he saw Jesus, he fell to his knees, beside himself as he begged, “My dear daughter is at death’s door. Come and lay hands on her so she will get well and live.” Jesus went with him, the whole crowd tagging along, pushing and jostling him. A woman who had suffered a condition of hemorrhaging for twelve years—a long succession of physicians had treated her, and treated her badly, taking all her money and leaving her worse off than before—had heard about Jesus. She slipped in from behind and touched his robe. She was thinking to herself, “If I can put a finger on his robe, I can get well.” The moment she did it, the flow of blood dried up. She could feel the change and knew her plague was over and done with. At the same moment, Jesus felt energy discharging from him. He turned around to the crowd and asked, “Who touched my robe?” His disciples said, “What are you talking about? With this crowd pushing and jostling you, you’re asking, ‘Who touched me?’ Dozens have touched you!” But he went on asking, looking around to see who had done it. The woman, knowing what had happened, knowing she was the one, stepped up in fear and trembling, knelt before him, and gave him the whole story. Jesus said to her, “Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you’re healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague.” While he was still talking, some people came from the leader’s house and told him, “Your daughter is dead. Why bother the Teacher any more?” Jesus overheard what they were talking about and said to the leader, “Don’t listen to them; just trust me.” He permitted no one to go in with him except Peter, James, and John. They entered the leader’s house and pushed their way through the gossips looking for a story and neighbors bringing in casseroles. Jesus was abrupt: “Why all this busybody grief and gossip? This child isn’t dead; she’s sleeping.” Provoked to sarcasm, they told him he didn’t know what he was talking about. But when he had sent them all out, he took the child’s father and mother, along with his companions, and entered the child’s room. He clasped the girl’s hand and said, “Talitha koum,” which means, “Little girl, get up.” At that, she was up and walking around! This girl was twelve years of age. They, of course, were all beside themselves with joy. He gave them strict orders that no one was to know what had taken place in that room. Then he said, “Give her something to eat.”
-Mark 5
How do I truly feel about this story?
What is in the inner most of my heart?
...Oh great Jesus you saved one man's daughter from death but how many other daughters died in that exact same moment? How many Lakota daughters? Germanic daughters? Brazilian daughters? African daughters? Asian daughters?
Do You expect me to have faith and hope each time I come to You in prayer with my requests that I will be the Jairus of the bunch praying for our desires? That my prayer will be the daughter You choose to raise in that moment?
What sort of hope is this? planting apple trees on the eve of Armageddon, how? How can anyone have such hope? To pray without expectations. To hope without the influence of the outcome.
Oh how I want such hope. Oh how I am consumed by my cynical instincts.
so what do I do about this?
All I have are my experiences.
I compare this story to my reality and I find in it a gap.
Does that exclude it from a truth? Because I have never witnessed a daughter being raised from the dead, Jesus could never raise ANY daughters from the dead?
What if I was told a truth that didn't line up with my experiences? To believe that truth. To trust it would take faith.
How the hell am I suppose to have faith?
What is faith?
The apostles came up and said to the Master, “Give us more faith.” But the Master said, “You don’t need more faith. There is no ‘more’ or ‘less’ in faith. If you have a bare kernel of faith, say the size of a poppy seed, you could say to this sycamore tree, ‘Go jump in the lake,’ and it would do it."
-Luke 17
I don't trust You God.
You say to simply have faith
Then you say faith is faith and the amount matters not?
Which brings me back to this fork in the road down this path of life...
pride or humility?
Do I lay myself down and pick up my cross? Do I trust that You will take care of me? Do I trust that You've got not simply my needs in Your hands but rather the best? Do I trust that You are the key to life and life to the fullest?
Or do I continue to grit my teeth with white knuckles as I cling to this life?
I want to believe. I want to trust. I want to hope.
I feel as though I have faith the size of a mustard seed...so I suppose I have all I need.
Do I trust You that this mustard seed faith is enough?
Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?
-Matthew 7
What choice do I have? I'm exhausted from this life of manipulation and control. I'm tired of worrying and working to get what I want out of this life. You tell me You are good. You tell me You are love. You tell me Your plans for me are good. You tell me You give better gifts.
Ok, lets do this God. Why not? I'll jump in the water out of the boat. What have I got to lose?
From this moment on, no more shows, no more acts, no more masks with You God. I will tell You what I want and how I feel. In the same way I will choose humility over pride at every fork. I will choose love. I will choose forgiveness. I will choose thought over fear.
#TheBrothersKaramazov
#FyodorDostoyevsky
#love pic.twitter.com/2cKS1lXXS7
— Adam (@ZMorris93) February 17, 2014I will love like Dostoyevsky writes about.
I will love everything! I will experience everything You have for me.
I want to feel each cold step in the snow, I want to hear the crunch as I walk. I want to see the beauty You've made today. I want to listen for the songs of the day. I want to taste the frosty air deep in my lungs. Today I will taste this coffee in the mug like never before. Today I will enjoy the steam touching my nose, the smell, the warmth of the mug. Today I will live and to live is to love.
I want to take the good with the bad the Yin with the Yang. I've realized that I cannot stand anywhere in the sun without created a shadow. For every spot of light there is darkness. I will choose to see the light in everything.
Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have! You can’t worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you’ll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can’t worship God and Money both. If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds. Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
-Matthew 6
OK Jesus You say not to worry about what I eat or wear, You say to stop worrying about getting and to start looking for God's giving. I'm jumping out of the boat!
This is my suicide note to life.
Today I die and Today I start truly living.
Today I let go.
Today I hope.
Today I trust.
Today I love.
Nothing in the world is harder than telling the truth and nothing easier than flattery.
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Today I choose truth over fear.
twenty one pilots - Screen