her face digging into my chest her nose pressed against me
ripping weeds, pulling, grabbing, sweat pouring down my face and back, keep working, keep pulling, endless weeds makes for endless work.
Her bare feet, tiny soft steps closer and closer towards me arms opening face smiling as radiant as the sun.
Get on the plane, get the fuck out of here, Ireland, the ocean, mountains, fish and chips.
Her laugh rings loud in my ears perfectly unique forcing a smile of mine at every new gasp for breath
The Louvre, the Eiffel tower, kick off my shoes feel the french grass beneath my feet as the bottle of wine is passed and sipped the sun setting peaceful finally lay back in the grass feel the blades tickle my body
her fingers approaching me with that evil grin as she corners me on the couch my mind inches away from hysteria as she will not relent as she tickles me OH SHIT
come back from the Coliseum, come back from Europe, the Ocean, the sun on my skin the waves underneath me, the Atlantic, the sand everywhere, my life long friends around me, cheap beer and even cheaper food, coolers, sandwiches, jokes, stories, tents, eyes shut in our sleeping bags, the sounds of the ocean
her brown eyes lit by the flickering street lamp above us, 4 a.m.? 7 a.m.? where did the night go? work tomorrow, I don't care, being here, listening, talking, sharing one seat in the car, holding tight, she asks to be held tighter and tighter, the stiff cold blanket wrapped around us, our breath filling the car WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
Norwood, Erin, Robert, coffee, conversation, God, garden, Caden laying by my feet,
her giant coats and sweaters, her car filled with stories inside and out, her lips smiling yet not showing teeth, her eyes closed, palms up, her eyes open fix themselves on mine she's about to say something, could be anything... and I've never seen anything so beautiful.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I stuff it, I ignore it, I embrace it, I admit it, I give up, I put my hand to the plow and keep my eyes forward. 10 months... 10 months? God 10 months? Why? What has happened to me? When did this happen? What the hell is wrong with me? She doesn't want this. 10 months God?! Europe, Ocean, Garden, I can't get away, I can't stop my senseless heart. Shower after shower, soap after soap I can't wash her face off my chest, I can't wash her arms off my waist, I can't get her lips off mine. What is this? idolatry? obsession? pathetic? romantic? stupid? hopeless? wrong? right? I am so confused. How much more until she is gone? How much longer? what is this love? How do I move forward? What has happened to me?
Where do I go from here?
What do I do with this?
Will I ever see her again?
Will she ever speak to me again?
I need to talk to Toni again. What will Toni say to me?
"I am finding freedom in the waiting.
We don't consistently see beauty in the same places. What I wait for in expectation is something another may have in full, and what I take for granted, another may long for."
"In classical usage the term for "patience" meant "to stay behind" and carried the fateful military connotation of standing one's ground and remaining steadfast in the face of the enemy, even in the face of certain defeat."
"One might even say that the subjective awareness of love appears first as awareness of the necessity of waiting."
As much as my head knows she is gone and she will not speak to me again nor will my eyes meet hers I cannot hide my vulnerability and reality in this truth: I still miss her. As much as it pains me to write this letter to You oh, God to withhold it would be the greater sin for to deny is to live in captivity. To dodge truth and resist it's powers to set free would be to not live in reality but in some self created world in which I have no feelings towards her. I long for that world but it remains, I do not live in that world.
This old wound has been ripped open by Erin and Robert's questions with one foot out the door yesterday I heard her name spoken. I stopped, turned back towards the beautiful couple and the feelings I thought I had suppressed came flowing back into my heart like blood returning to grasp oxygen.
"We haven't talked, I think she's back with her exboyfriend"
"Oh well you never know, have you tried to reach out to her? I mean love is a risk like we talked about"
"Erin please don't plant that hope, I'm just trying to let go of everything, that's why I'm growing the beard. I'm learning letting go."
I hugged them and thanked them once again for one of the most beautiful weekends of my life. As I walked down the steps at the sidewalk I stopped closed my eyes took a deep breath and turned towards my car. I know this car won't be able to go fast enough to undo what Erin and Robert just reopened. Here I am writing to You Jesus. Erin said You give us feelings for a reason maybe she's as big of a romantic as I am but is this true? What am I supposed to do with these feelings? Why give them to me? I don't want them. She hasn't even so much as texted me since March. I haven't seen her since she turned 22.
I miss her very much so.
Give me peace Jesus.
Give me peace.
Hakuna matata.
Teach me how to trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me
Birdy - Tee Shirt
ripping weeds, pulling, grabbing, sweat pouring down my face and back, keep working, keep pulling, endless weeds makes for endless work.
Her bare feet, tiny soft steps closer and closer towards me arms opening face smiling as radiant as the sun.
Get on the plane, get the fuck out of here, Ireland, the ocean, mountains, fish and chips.
Her laugh rings loud in my ears perfectly unique forcing a smile of mine at every new gasp for breath
The Louvre, the Eiffel tower, kick off my shoes feel the french grass beneath my feet as the bottle of wine is passed and sipped the sun setting peaceful finally lay back in the grass feel the blades tickle my body
her fingers approaching me with that evil grin as she corners me on the couch my mind inches away from hysteria as she will not relent as she tickles me OH SHIT
come back from the Coliseum, come back from Europe, the Ocean, the sun on my skin the waves underneath me, the Atlantic, the sand everywhere, my life long friends around me, cheap beer and even cheaper food, coolers, sandwiches, jokes, stories, tents, eyes shut in our sleeping bags, the sounds of the ocean
her brown eyes lit by the flickering street lamp above us, 4 a.m.? 7 a.m.? where did the night go? work tomorrow, I don't care, being here, listening, talking, sharing one seat in the car, holding tight, she asks to be held tighter and tighter, the stiff cold blanket wrapped around us, our breath filling the car WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
Norwood, Erin, Robert, coffee, conversation, God, garden, Caden laying by my feet,
her giant coats and sweaters, her car filled with stories inside and out, her lips smiling yet not showing teeth, her eyes closed, palms up, her eyes open fix themselves on mine she's about to say something, could be anything... and I've never seen anything so beautiful.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I stuff it, I ignore it, I embrace it, I admit it, I give up, I put my hand to the plow and keep my eyes forward. 10 months... 10 months? God 10 months? Why? What has happened to me? When did this happen? What the hell is wrong with me? She doesn't want this. 10 months God?! Europe, Ocean, Garden, I can't get away, I can't stop my senseless heart. Shower after shower, soap after soap I can't wash her face off my chest, I can't wash her arms off my waist, I can't get her lips off mine. What is this? idolatry? obsession? pathetic? romantic? stupid? hopeless? wrong? right? I am so confused. How much more until she is gone? How much longer? what is this love? How do I move forward? What has happened to me?
Where do I go from here?
What do I do with this?
Will I ever see her again?
Will she ever speak to me again?
I need to talk to Toni again. What will Toni say to me?
"I am finding freedom in the waiting.
We don't consistently see beauty in the same places. What I wait for in expectation is something another may have in full, and what I take for granted, another may long for."
"In classical usage the term for "patience" meant "to stay behind" and carried the fateful military connotation of standing one's ground and remaining steadfast in the face of the enemy, even in the face of certain defeat."
"One might even say that the subjective awareness of love appears first as awareness of the necessity of waiting."
As much as my head knows she is gone and she will not speak to me again nor will my eyes meet hers I cannot hide my vulnerability and reality in this truth: I still miss her. As much as it pains me to write this letter to You oh, God to withhold it would be the greater sin for to deny is to live in captivity. To dodge truth and resist it's powers to set free would be to not live in reality but in some self created world in which I have no feelings towards her. I long for that world but it remains, I do not live in that world.
This old wound has been ripped open by Erin and Robert's questions with one foot out the door yesterday I heard her name spoken. I stopped, turned back towards the beautiful couple and the feelings I thought I had suppressed came flowing back into my heart like blood returning to grasp oxygen.
"We haven't talked, I think she's back with her exboyfriend"
"Oh well you never know, have you tried to reach out to her? I mean love is a risk like we talked about"
"Erin please don't plant that hope, I'm just trying to let go of everything, that's why I'm growing the beard. I'm learning letting go."
I hugged them and thanked them once again for one of the most beautiful weekends of my life. As I walked down the steps at the sidewalk I stopped closed my eyes took a deep breath and turned towards my car. I know this car won't be able to go fast enough to undo what Erin and Robert just reopened. Here I am writing to You Jesus. Erin said You give us feelings for a reason maybe she's as big of a romantic as I am but is this true? What am I supposed to do with these feelings? Why give them to me? I don't want them. She hasn't even so much as texted me since March. I haven't seen her since she turned 22.
I miss her very much so.
Give me peace Jesus.
Give me peace.
Hakuna matata.
Teach me how to trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me
Birdy - Tee Shirt