Thursday, January 29, 2015

01/29/15

The difficulty Mr. Howells had was to find time for prayer. Really his only opportunity was on that two-mile walk to the mission, one mile of which was over a lonely common. He always tried to be alone for that mile, and, after leaving the last house behind, would remove his cap, and continue in the attitude of prayer. The conventions of those days made it an unheard-of thing not to wear a head covering when out of doors, but when alone, the presence of God was so real that he always bared his head. This became so much a habit that he never once crossed the common without putting his cap in his pocket, and when returning late at night, after the lights in the town were put out, he would go the whole way like that. But curious though it may seem to us today, nothing would have induced him to go hatless in the day-time! As he said, “The hatless brigade was unknown at that time!”

This apparently trivial habit was the first thing the Spirit used to make him dead to the influence of the public. One Sunday morning very early, he was with the Lord in prayer, he said, “and the glory of that morning was far brighter than the light of the sun. There was such a peace and solemn hush that I felt the place was holy ground. I had felt it sometimes before, but it was far more intense that morning, as though Isaiah’s words had become a fact: ‘And the light of the sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days.’ The Lord then showed me that the place of abiding in the intercession to which He had called me, was to keep in the attitude of prayer all day. For the first time I could not take my hat with me! To walk through the town, to go to the mission would be impossible, I could never do it! Never! The glory soon passed away, and the sun had no more light than usual, if anything less, and oh, the darkness that came over me! How I wished I had not gone out that morning. Even fasting was not to be compared with this. Only those at home were involved in the test of fasting, but in this thing I was to be a spectacle before the whole town. Never had they seen a man out of doors without a hat!”

-Rees Howells, Intercessor, Chapter 16, Called to A Hidden Life

Both Katherine McClelland and Toni King Mentioned Rees Howells and his hatless brigade to me when the first saw me without my beard. I had told them it was a practice in the art of letting go, to grow a beard for an entire year. They both replied with the story of a man who God told not to wear a hat and the embarrassment of the culture of that time.

It was pretty crazy that two women who I respect a lot both said the same exact thing to me when we talked about my beard.

Ani DiFranco - Your Next Bold Move

Saturday, January 24, 2015

01/24/15

"Brevity is the soul of wit."

"If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter."

I truly believe less is more.
This concept isn't only with possessions and stuff.
The more and more I think about it in different and all areas of my life the more it seems to make sense.

I've always loved these two quotes and I have no idea who first said them. But they speak so much truth to me.

If I had more time I would have written less, always makes me think so much.

This morning I don't have much on my mind. I don't have much to say to You, Oh God.
I've been thinking about going to Egypt in March
I've been thinking about Jared at the men's group this past Thursday.
He never seems to speak but he always shows up. This Thursday when he prayed it was short but it impacted me more than any of the teaching or other prayers that night.

I don't know if he did it out of pressure, I don't know if he meant it, But he prayed and it was moving to me.

I think about evangelism a lot. What does it mean to evangelize? At what point has it happened? Are we looking for a sentence to be spoken? Are we looking for certain actions to be displayed? I think about all of the past wounds evangelism has caused. I think about the horrible destruction of cultures in the name of missionaries.

I often wonder what evangelism looks like through the eyes of Jesus. I can safely assume it's nothing like what is commonly known in America. It has to be.

I feel strange telling other cultures they are wrong and I have the correct truth.
But lately I've been feeling a strange tension against that.
I listen to Jared talk and his life isn't where he wants it to be. I know The Way. Or at least I think I know it. I'm trying to know it. I don't believe it will solve suffering and make life perfect but I do believe and would stake my life that it is the way to peace and love in the truest sense of the words.

I think about Egypt. I think about walking into their country, their traditions, their history and telling them how wrong they are and how right I am. It makes me want to barf.

But yet, lately I've been looking at the anger and unforgiveness of the world. And no matter how uncomfortable I feel saying I have the answer...in a scary way...I do believe I have the answer. I'm not saying I know how it all works just yet but at the same time. I do trust and would put my life on the line to protect and practice this way of life. This week looking back on Martin Luther King's life realizing how much authority and confidence he preached The Way.

He believed it and even more incredibly, it worked, it is truth. The things Jesus said, if practiced, work. They change systems, they create peace, they give strength. I believe that and I want to share it with the world.

I don't want to turn Egypt into America. I don't want everyone to speak English and wear t-shirts, eat burgers, but I do want everyone to love one another, I do want everyone to forgive, to relax to love. I do believe those are the ways we should all live.

I feel this great truth within me. and I feel this tension of fear that today my culture tells me that whatever you personally feel is right and it's fucked up if you try to tell someone else how to live or you try to say your way is better than theirs.

I don't want to go to Egypt to "convert" people. But I do want to go to Egypt and to the ends of the earth and tell people to love, tell people to forgive, tell people not to worry. But these things are not Earthly. They are characteristics of God and if we want to tap into them then we will need to tap into God. I don't know all the ways people can or have reached God but I don't want to narrow the ways God can and does work.

Now I am caught in this place where people tell me not to tell people how to live. But yet the way Jesus taught us to live, I truly believe is The Way. It truly is good news.

I have no intention of expressing all of that to You this morning. I wasn't even aware some of that was inside of me but it feels good to speak that to You. It feels good to express my heart and all of these tensions and this life of trying to find the balance.

This Monday I will be taking over for Dan at the Pantry while he is gone. What do I say? What can I say?

How do I spread the good news? Do I believe it truly is "good news"?

The Steel Wheels - Kiss Me Like a Stranger

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

01/21/15

A favorable hope is better than a bad possession.
-Don Quixote, Part 2 Chapter VI

Cain and those who followed his lineage sought to escape God's limitations through the curse. Driven by fear and insecurities, they became a violent and proud people who defended their fragile illusions of control, autonomy and power, even at the expense and death of the other.

Their grasping for security left them feeling deeply restless and even more insecure.

Those who are humbled by living beholden to the curse - to the limitations imposed by God through creation - are brought to a place of desperation before God and can then receive the hospitality of God. In turn, those who received the hospitality of God are freed from the fear of death, and those who have been freed from the fear of death are no longer threatened by the other because God has empowered them to risk extending the welcome of God to the other.

The curse is God's invitation into the good news of the cure: that the Lord will provide and his people need not be afraid. It is an invitation for God's people to relinquish their illusions of self-sufficiency and security, to receive God's radical hospitality, to live freed from the fear of vulnerability, scarcity and death, and in so doing, extend the hospitality of God to all the nations of the world.
-The Curse: God's Invitation Home, Robert Lockridge

I work so hard to battle fear only to find it growing again like endless weeds in a garden. How do I choose God's cure when facing fear and insecurities? I want to badly to take hold of my own life to control it. To live through the line of Cain.

I find myself feeling violent and proud fighting for my fragile illusions of control. We have no control.

There is faith or fear
God or money
grace or nature

Why is this so hard?

Why is the path back to God so terrifying? Why is it so hard to let go?

I talked with Toni Saturday before I left for Norwood and she pressed some buttons revealing these seeds of fear sprouting in my garden. I thought I took care of these. I thought I rid myself of this stuff.

But now I am finally seeing this battle is the heart of life. The heart of Christianity.

Like someone after reaching their goal weight stops the diet is surprised at the scale so to was I surprised at my fear.

My heart knows Your promise, Oh God, but my head is restless looking for security in the stuff on earth. I know you warned about treasure that will rust and rot but to my physical eyes it all feels so real.

I have been awakened once again to realize how powerless I am. Only this time I am now aware that this battle will never end.

I will spend this life fighting the urge to create illusions of security, control, and power.

What sort of guarantee can any of us truly have here? Everyone is only chasing safety.

We would all rather settle for the bad possession than the hope.

At least the possession is tangible. At least in Egypt there were steady meals. Yes it was slavery but its better than the unknown of the desert.

This constant battle of worry and fear, it gets old. But it is so worth fighting. To live in sleep isn't life at all. To fight fear is the only way to live.

Give me Your peace, Oh God. Give me Your life, Oh God. Give me Your security. It is the only path to life.

Vinyl Theatre - Breaking Up My Bones

Monday, January 19, 2015

01/19/15

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

Selma director Ava DuVernay may well have taken more license than artistically necessary in the confrontational scenes between Martin Luther King Jr. and President Johnson. But inaccuracies in other significant parts of the film were forced upon DuVernay by copyright law. The film’s numerous scenes of King delivering powerful speeches regarding civil rights all had to be paraphrased, because the MLK estate has already licensed the film rights in those speeches to DreamWorks and Warner Bros., for an MLK biopic Steven Spielberg is slated to produce.
-Jonathan Band



Why Jesus Called a Man a Fool 08/27/67


I want to share with you a dramatic little story from the gospel as recorded by Saint Luke. It is a story of a man who by all standards of measurement would be considered a highly successful man. And yet Jesus called him a fool.

If you will read that parable, you will discover that the central character in the drama is a certain rich man. This man was so rich that his farm yielded tremendous crops. In fact, the crops were so great that he didn’t know what to do. It occurred to him that he had only one alternative and that was to build some new and bigger barns so he could store all of his crops. And then as he thought about this, he said, "Then I’m going to do something after I build my new and bigger barn." He said, "I’m going to store my goods and my fruit there, and then I’m going to say to my soul, ‘Soul, thou hast much goods, laid up for many years. Take thine ease, eat, drink, and be merry.’" That brother thought that was the end of life. But the parable doesn’t end with that man making his statement. It ends by saying that God said to him, "Thou fool. Not next year, not next week, not tomorrow, but this night, thy soul is required of thee." And so it was at the height of his prosperity, he died.

Look at that parable. Think about it. Think of this man: If he lived in Chicago today, he would be considered "a big shot". And he would abound with all of the social prestige and all of the community influence that could be afforded. Most people would look up to him because he would have that something called money. And yet a Galilean peasant had the audacity to call that man a fool.

I’d like for you to look at this parable with me and try to decipher the real reason that Jesus called this man a fool. Number one, Jesus called this man a fool because he allowed the means by which he lived to outdistance the ends for which he lived. You see, each of us lives in two realms, the within and the without. Now the within of our lives is that realm of spiritual ends expressed in art, literature, religion, and morality. The without of our lives is that complex of devices, of mechanisms and instrumentalities by means of which we live. The house we live in — that’s a part of the means by which we live. The car we drive, the clothes we wear, the money that we are able to accumulate — in short, the physical stuff that’s necessary for us to exist.

Now the problem is that we must always keep a line of demarcation between the two. This man was a fool because he didn’t do that.

He didn’t make contributions to civil rights. He looked at suffering humanity and wasn’t concerned about it.

He probably gave his wife mink coats, a convertible automobile, but he didn’t give her what she needed most, love and affection. He probably provided bread for his children, but he didn’t give them any attention; he didn’t really love them. Somehow he looked up at the beauty of the stars, but he wasn’t moved by them. He had heard the glad tidings of philosophy and poetry, but he really didn’t read it or comprehend it, or want to comprehend it. And so this man justly deserved his title. He was an eternal fool. He allowed the means by which he lived to outdistance the ends for which he lived.

Now number two, this man was a fool because he failed to realize his dependence on others. Now if you read that parable in the book of Luke, you will discover that this man utters about sixty words. And do you know in sixty words he said "I" and "my" more than fifteen times? This man was a fool because he said "I" and "my" so much until he lost the capacity to say "we" and "our." This man talked like he could build the barns by himself, like he could till the soil by himself. And he failed to realize that wealth is always a result of the commonwealth.

And oh my friends, I don’t want you to forget it. No matter where you are today, somebody helped you to get there. In a larger sense we got to see this in our world today. Our white brothers must see this they haven't seen it up until now. The great problem facing our nation today in the area of race is that it is the black man who to a large extent produced the wealth of this nation. The nation doesn't have sense enough to share its wealth and its power with the very people who made it so. I know what I'm talking about this morning the black man made America wealthy. That's why I tell you right now I'm not going anywhere they can talk these groups talking about a separate state. Go back to Africa, I love Africa, It's our ancestral home.

I don't know about you my grandfather and my great grandfather did too much for this nation for me to be talking about heading that way. Before the pilgrim fathers landed at Plymouth 1620 we were where. Before Jefferson etched across the pages of history the words of the declaration of independence we were here. Before the beautiful words of the star spangled banner were written we were here. More than two centuries our forebearers labored here without wages they made cotton cane. With their hands, with their backs and with their labor they built the sturdy docks. The stout factories the impressive mansions of the south. Now this nation is telling us that we can't build Negros are excluded almost absolutely from the building trade. Why because these jobs pay 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 dollars an hour and they don't want Negros to have it.

And I fear that if something doesn’t happen soon, and something massive, the same indictment will come to America— "Thou fool!"

That man said he didn’t know what to do with his goods, he had so many. Oh, I wish I could have advised him. A lot of places to go, and there were a lot of things that could be done. There were hungry stomachs that needed to be filled; there were empty pockets that needed access to money. America today, my friends, is also rich in goods. We have our barns, and every day our rich nation is building new and larger and greater barns. You know, we spend millions of dollars a day to store surplus food. But I want to say to America, "I know where you can store that food free of charge: in the wrinkled stomachs of the millions of God’s children in Asia and Africa and South America and in our own nation who go to bed hungry tonight."

There are a lot of fools around. Because they fail to realize their dependence on others.

Finally, this man was a fool because he failed to realize his dependence on God. Do you know that man talked like he regulated the seasons? That man talked like he gave the rain to grapple with the fertility of the soil. That man talked like he provided the dew. He was a fool because he ended up acting like he was the Creator, instead of a creature.

And this man-centered foolishness is still alive today.You know, a lot of people are forgetting God. But I tell you this morning, my friends, there’s no way to get rid of him.

Now of course I was religious; I grew up in the church. I’m the son of a preacher, I’m the great-grandson of a preacher, and the great-great-grandson of a preacher. My father is a preacher, my grandfather was a preacher, my great-grandfather was a preacher, my only brother is a preacher, my Daddy’s brother is a preacher. So I didn’t have much choice, I guess. But I had grown up in the church, and the church meant something very real to me, but it was a kind of inherited religion and I had never felt an experience with God in the way that you must have it if you’re going to walk the lonely paths of this life.

But one day a lady by the name of Rosa Parks decided that she wasn’t going to take it any longer. She stayed in a bus seat, and you may not remember it because it’s way back now several years, but it was the beginning of a movement where fifty thousand black men and women refused absolutely to ride the city buses. And we walked together for 381 days. That’s what we got to learn in the North: Negroes have to learn to stick together. We stuck together.

We sent out the call and no Negro rode the buses. It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen in my life. And the people of Montgomery asked me to serve as the spokesman, and as the president of the new organization—the Montgomery Improvement Association that came into being to lead the boycott—I couldn’t say no. And then we started our struggle together.

Things were going well for the first few days, but then about ten or fifteen days later, after the white people in Montgomery knew that we meant business, they started doing some nasty things. They started making nasty telephone calls, and it came to the point that some days more than forty telephone calls would come in, threatening my life, the life of my family, the life of my children. I took it for a while in a strong manner.

But I never will forget one night very late. It was around midnight. And you can have some strange experiences at midnight. The telephone started ringing and I picked it up. On the other end was an ugly voice. That voice said to me, in substance, "Nigger, we are tired of you and your mess now. And if you aren’t out of this town in three days, we’re going to blow your brains out and blow up your house."

I’d heard these things before, but for some reason that night it got to me. I turned over and I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn’t sleep. I was frustrated, bewildered. And then I got up and went back to the kitchen and I started warming some coffee, thinking that coffee would give me a little relief. And then I started thinking about many things. I pulled back on the theology and philosophy that I had just studied in the universities, trying to give philosophical and theological reasons for the existence and the reality of sin and evil, but the answer didn’t quite come there. I sat there and thought about a beautiful little daughter who had just been born about a month earlier. We have four children now, but we only had one then. She was the darling of my life. I’d come in night after night and see that little gentle smile. And I sat at that table thinking about that little girl and thinking about the fact that she could be taken away from me any minute. And I started thinking about a dedicated, devoted, and loyal wife who was over there asleep. And she could be taken from me, or I could be taken from her. And I got to the point that I couldn’t take it any longer; I was weak.

Something said to me, you can’t call on Daddy now, he’s up in Atlanta a hundred and seventy-five miles away. You can’t even call on Mama now. You’ve got to call on that something in that person that your Daddy used to tell you about. That power that can make a way out of no way. And I discovered then that religion had to become real to me and I had to know God for myself. And I bowed down over that cup of coffee—I never will forget it. And oh yes, I prayed a prayer and I prayed out loud that night. I said, "Lord, I’m down here trying to do what’s right. I think I’m right; I think the cause that we represent is right. But Lord, I must confess that I’m weak now; I’m faltering; I’m losing my courage. And I can’t let the people see me like this because if they see me weak and losing my courage, they will begin to get weak."

And it seemed at that moment that I could hear an inner voice saying to me, "Martin Luther, stand up for righteousness, stand up for justice, stand up for truth. And lo I will be with you, even until the end of the world."

And I’ll tell you, I’ve seen the lightning flash. I’ve heard the thunder roll. I felt sin- breakers dashing, trying to conquer my soul. But I heard the voice of Jesus saying still to fight on. He promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone. No, never alone. No, never alone. He promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone.

And I’m going on in believing in him. You’d better know him, and know his name, and know how to call his name.

Don’t be a fool. Recognize your dependence on God. Centuries ago Jeremiah raised a question, "Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there?" He raised it because he saw the good people suffering so often and the evil people prospering. Centuries later our slave foreparents came along. And they too saw the injustices of life, and had nothing to look forward to morning after morning but the rawhide whip of the overseer, long rows of cotton in the sizzling heat. But they did an amazing thing. They looked back across the centuries and they took Jeremiah’s question mark and straightened it into an exclamation point. And they could sing, "There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole. There is a balm in Gilead to heal the sin-sick soul." And there is another stanza that I like so well: "Sometimes I feel discouraged."

And I don’t mind telling you this morning that sometimes I feel discouraged. I felt discouraged in Chicago. As I move through Mississippi and Georgia and Alabama, I feel discouraged. Living every day under the threat of death, I feel discouraged sometimes. Living every day under extensive criticisms, even from Negroes, I feel discouraged sometimes. Yes, sometimes I feel discouraged and feel my work’s in vain. But then the holy spirit revives my soul again. "There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole. There is a balm in Gilead to heal the sin-sick soul." God bless you.

Supaman - Prayer Loop Song

Saturday, January 17, 2015

01/17/15

Next to Me

Oh, our futures were written with crayons in coloring books
It was misspelled and outside the lines and we loved how it looked
Like the crooked hem of your favorite childhood dress
And the holes in my jeans from years of carelessness
I know since we've grown, we ache for those memories
Honestly, nothing's even compared to you next to me, next to me
When the words came to you for the first time, you knew you were hooked
And the pride that you felt at the last page of your first book
And the bravery I forced when I sang to an audience of three
Well, it took a million wrong notes just to find a single melody and key
I know since we've grown we plea for clarity
Honestly, nothing's ever made sense til you were next to me, next to me
If time is money, then I'll spend it all for you
I will buy you flowers with the minutes we outgrew
I'll turn hours into gardens, planted just for us to take
I'll be reckless with my days, building castles in your name
Since we've grown, we long for concrete things
Honestly, nothing's felt so sure than when you were next to me, next to me
So lets cut down the red tape and gather up the pieces of our youth
Cause there's nothing in this world we can't fix with some scissors and glue

Sleeping at Last - Next To Me

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

01/14/15

maps stretched out
too many miles to count.
let’s just say we’re inches apart,
even closer at heart,
and we’ll be just fine.
another pin pushed in
to remind us where we’ve been.
and every mile adds up
and leaves a mark on us.
and sometimes our compass breaks
and our steady true north fades.
we’ll be just fine.
I know that we will.
I just know we will.
time moves slow
when half of your heart has yet to come home.
every minute’s adding up
and leaving a mark on us.
I can’t get you out of my mind.
I solemnly swear,
I swear that I’ll never try.
we’ll be just fine,
I know that we will.
we’ll be just fine.
it’s a matter of time
’til our compass stands still.

I have to write right now. I have to express myself. I've been stuck in my head. I've been thinking too much. But in my head I can't quite grasp the expression of my heart. I can't find the words. No one has taught me what it is I am feeling. This is something new. Something I've never read about. Something I've never heard about. Something I am sure that has a name, a title, a file in some book on the study of the mind or the study of the heart. Everything has already been discovered. Everything has already been felt but this is new to me. I don't know what to do with it so I empty it in the only place I know where to empty the things I'm too afraid to express to the people in my life. Too afraid or at the very least unsure exactly what it is I would be attempting to express.

How do I express something I have no words for? I have no terms for? How do I express myself through more than deep signs and the perplexing formation of tears around my eyes? What are these feelings? Which emotions do I choose to express this thing within my heart?

I will try to unload here knowing how messy and confusing it will be. Knowing how I process as I write. Just as a journey is never about its destination so my letters to You, oh God, are never about the final punctuation. I suppose I will start with the things I know to be true within me and slowly step down the spiral staircase of my mind to see what has been forming in the cellar.

For the past three years I have loved Bea. In that time she has not always reciprocated those feelings. Love has never been about expecting nor requiring reciprocation. Rather freedom. She is not to blame for my feelings towards her nor does she have any sort of control whatsoever. How many times over these years has she told me not to wait for her, she needs to find things out for herself. I have never been naive of her confused feelings and her right to journey down those paths. My feelings have never been conditional based on hers.

This past year as I grew the beard I made a vow to set myself aside. To let go. To die to myself. To give my desires. Give myself. Pursue You, oh God. It was a beautiful year of growth and knowledge with You, oh God. Now as I have shaved off the beard and begin a new year fear is beginning to creep into my thoughts.

I am 27 now. I want to date someone. I want to express love towards someone. I want a relationship. I go out with my friends and they tell me their friends think I'm hott. I get girl's phone numbers. I text and set up dates with them. But every time something happens to me. I don't want to go on the date. I don't want to talk to them. It only makes me miss Bea.

What is this?

Chloe tells me its an unhealthy obsession.
Toni just smiles.
My friends silently listen.

Bea tells me not to wait for her. She tells me she doesn't know how she feels. I try not to wait for her. I try to talk to other women. I've been on dates. I've kissed other women. I've held them. And still I miss her.

Tonight as I began to set up another date with a woman when it finally came time to walk out the door I couldn't... I don't want to go on a date with her. She's nice, she's cute, but she... well if I'm going to be honest with myself she isn't Bea.

What is this?

I walk up the stairs undress in the bathroom preparing to take a shower to clear my mind. Looking in the mirror I find myself frozen in my mind for minutes.
10
20
30 minutes pass and I don't know what this is.

Bea has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't know what she wants. She has told me several times to date if I want to date. I want a girlfriend. I want someone to go on walks with to share meals with, to listen to them express themselves. I want someone to care for. So I try to date other women but find myself cancelling every time at the last minute.

What is this?

The strangest part about this conflict within me is that I don't think its a bad thing. I want to wait. I don't want to go on dates with other women. I only want to be with Bea. The hot water of the shower pelts my long soaking hair and as I wrestle with this strange contradiction inside tears begin to form.

What is this?

tears? am I sad? No. I long for a relationship so badly and yet I have all of these opportunities. Why don't I take them? Why don't I want them. I feel like I want them but yet I feel like I don't. I am so confused. What is this that I am feeling? I'm afraid Bea will move away. I'm afraid Bea will meet someone new. I'm afraid Bea may never be ready to be with me. I have so much fear and the safe thing to do would be to move on. Find someone else. Why don't I want to do that? Why don't I want the logical thing? There is something in me. These strange tears are a good pain. They aren't joyful yet I wouldn't trade them because they are genuine.

I want to wait. I want to take this risk for Bea. I don't know why and I know I won't be able to get this time that I am spending waiting back but so much of me is completely okay with that. Some people are worth melting for.

I feel this tension within me this longing to be in relationship and yet this realization that not simply any relationship will do. She tells me not to wait if I don't want to and I don't think I want to but only to find that I really do want to. I think I'm afraid people will think I am being obsessive like Chloe thinks. But my other option is to deny my feelings. I want to live in truth. I don't want to live in shame or fear and the truth is I want to wait.

I think my feelings for Bea scare me. I think how much I am ok with waiting makes me very afraid. I have no control over her and I have no idea what the future looks like. And yet I find this odd freedom in doing what my heart wants despite all of this surrounding fear and uncertainty.

I have feelings for Bea. And I need to embrace that. I need to acknowledge that I don't want to date at this time. I need to acknowledge that I do want a relationship. But I will not let fear force me into something I don't actually want at this point.

I guess if I am honest the tension and pull I feel the circles in my mind that go around and around feel like this:

I want a relationship
I have feelings for Bea
Bea doesn't want a relationship
Other women do want a relationship
I don't want a relationship with other women
Am I wasting time?
What if I wait too long?
What other choice do I have?
I don't want a relationship with other women
Wait.

I trust her.
I trust that she will tell me if she wanted to try again.
I trust that she will tell me if she wanted to date someone else.
I trust that she cares more about honesty than hurting me.
I trust her.

I am a hopeless romantic.
I'm right here. And I've always been here.
More of those nights are worth waiting for :)
I want to wait.

when I hold Bea in my arms...
when I taste her kiss...
when I hear her speak...
when I see her eyes...

I can’t get you out of my mind.
I solemnly swear,
I swear that I’ll never try.

Sleeping at Last - West

Saturday, January 10, 2015

01/10/15

Every artist is a cannibal
every poet is a thief
all kill for inspiration
and then sing about the grief.
― Bono

These plays that one sees nowadays--the ones that are purely fictional, as well as those based on history--all, or most of them, are acknowledged to be pure garbage, without rhyme or reason, yet they're relished by the common folk, who think they're good when they're so far from being so; and the authors who write them and the actors who play in them say that they have to be that way because that's what the public wants. Meanwhile, plays that are carefully crafted and follow the plot as the rules demand please only the four discerning people capable of comprehending them. The rest of the people have no way of understanding their art, but authors and producers feel it's better to earn a living with the many than to be in the good graces of the few.
-Don Quixote, Part One Chapter XLVIII

History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new. Sometimes people say, “Here is something new!” But actually it is old; nothing is ever truly new. We don’t remember what happened in the past, and in future generations, no one will remember what we are doing now.
-Ecclesiastes 1

Today I watch endless commercials about sequels and remakes and garbage stories being told again and again. Then I open Don Quixote which was written in 1605 and see the same lament being expressed. Nothing under the sun is truly new. Everyone knows the world we are living in could be better. We know we could demand better media, we could demand a more loving world but we simply settle. We simply repeat what has been done before.

Why?

I talk to my friends about growing a garden in the city and giving the food away. I talk to my friends about everyone creating out of the passion of their hearts and not charging for it. To rid the world of money and to instead function out of generosity and love. The answer is always the same. ALWAYS. That would be nice but it isn't possible.

We all want it. Deep down we all want to give up this competition. This struggle but we don't.

It's a mystery to me
We have a greed with which we have agreed
And you think you have to want more than you need
Until you have it all, you won't be free
...There's those thinking more or less, less is more
But if less is more, how you keeping score?
Means for every point you make your level drops
Kinda like you're starting from the top
And you can't do that
-Eddie Vedder

There ain't no reason things are this way.
It's how they always been and they intend to stay.
I can't explain why we live this way.
We do it every day.
-Brett Dennen

I want freedom. I want love. I'm not going to settle for garbage movies, I'm not going to settle for a greed with which we have agreed. I do think less is more. I don't want to keep score. We are all equal. We all want to create. We all want to be happy. We all want to be worry free.

If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. ... We need not wait to see what others do.
― Mahatma Gandhi

So, friends, every day do something
that won’t compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millennium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Practice resurrection.
-Wendell Berry

The Arawak Garden is the way I want to see the world. I want to work for nothing. I want to love those who do not deserve it.

There are things we can do
But from the things that work there are only two
And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win
And fear will lose
There's faith and there's sleep
We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake
And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive
-Twenty One Pilots

History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new. This may be true but I have hope and believe what Martin Luther King Jr. said.

The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Behold, I am making all things new.
-Revelation 21

I choose faith.

Oh Honey - Don't You Worry, Love

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

01/07/15

I step from the shower to the mirror. Bushing my teeth and putting on my glasses. The freedom from the beard allows me floss once again. I think I'm getting older because I enjoy reading in my bed earlier and earlier.

I walk down the hall to my room. Open the door. There it is, my new comforter and sheets. They look so new and fluffy. So cozy and inviting.

I'm reminded of her.
Her eyes, No matter how long they looked into mine it wasn't enough.
She's beautiful.
No matter how close I held her it wasn't close enough.
No matter how long we cuddled it wasn't long enough.
No matter how much we talked I hadn't heard enough.

Her hair falling in her face, those eyes looking at me.
I've seen a lot of stuff and I've been a lot of places but when we walk into Panera there is no place I can think of that I would rather be.

She, sitting across from me, telling me her worries, her stress, I want to carry them for her, I can to set her free. But I know I can't. I know it is only through the struggle that we can fly from the cocoon.

Her beautiful face in the morning candle light. How peaceful she looks. How I want her to never leave. Praying for minutes to turn to hours and hours to turn to days. But everything in this life it temporary. I try to soak as much of each moment into my memory as possible knowing this moment is slipping away. But in the moment we exist. In the moment she is here in my arms and that is all I can ask for and it's so peaceful.

I sigh and step towards the empty fluffy bed open my book and begin to read waiting for my eye lids to tell my mind when they are ready to sleep. I battle the ever powerful urge to send her a text. Find an excuse to snapchat. "Accidentally" start another trvia crack match.

But she needs space. It would be selfish not to grant her that.

Fasting is a good thing. It is important for us as humans to fast.
To wait.
It is only through waiting as I grow the beard that I can fully appreciate the luxury of not having a beard.
It is only through fasting that we can see the true value of the things we so easily take for granted.

I am not promised or guaranteed anything.
I only have the present, memories, and hope.

my hand sliding past her cheek behind her hair. And those eyes, that face looking back at me. In that moment, which has changed to memory, I am at peace.

I miss her.

Nahko Bear - Black As Night

Saturday, January 3, 2015

01/03/15

Science Increasingly Makes the Case for God


In 1966 Time magazine ran a cover story asking: Is God Dead?
In 2014 The Wall Street Journal ran a story suggesting science is making a case for God

I'm sure in 1918 the news proclaimed God's existence
I'm sure in 2062 the news will proclaim yet again the opposite that God doesn't exist.

What are the pillars of my faith? What is faith?
Is there anything I have that I can say, if science proves this then my faith is shattered?

How fickle science can be.
How excited Christians get when science aligns with their agenda and how quickly they dismiss science when it contradicts.
How fickle Christians can be.

Do I care what science says about the past? Can anyone one prove something that cannot be repeated?

Should I care what science has to say?

What is faith?

Do I only like science when it confirms my beliefs? Do I only believe science that agrees with what I believe?

What about the other side of the coin?

Do atheists only agree with science when it aligns with their agenda? Atheism takes faith as many before me have said.

What is faith?

I'm tired of hearing this debate this fight. My faith isn't dependent on anything a person claims through measurements and laboratories. Like I said the headlines will read something different soon enough and those with lenses that align will rejoice and those without will dismiss.

What is truth?
We all seem so blind with our own realities.
Who alive lives in the reality?

Can anyone?

time seems to disprove all truths.
truths seem cyclical depending on the era.

but that isn't what truth is.
Truth is true. Always.
Truth holds fast.

our truths are illusions published by our most recent scientific studies.

Love is truth.
God is love.
Jesus is God.

I am... the truth...
-Jesus, John 14

What is faith?

Nickel Creek - Out of the Woods