maps stretched out
too many miles to count.
let’s just say we’re inches apart,
even closer at heart,
and we’ll be just fine.
another pin pushed in
to remind us where we’ve been.
and every mile adds up
and leaves a mark on us.
and sometimes our compass breaks
and our steady true north fades.
we’ll be just fine.
I know that we will.
I just know we will.
time moves slow
when half of your heart has yet to come home.
every minute’s adding up
and leaving a mark on us.
I can’t get you out of my mind.
I solemnly swear,
I swear that I’ll never try.
we’ll be just fine,
I know that we will.
we’ll be just fine.
it’s a matter of time
’til our compass stands still.
I have to write right now. I have to express myself. I've been stuck in my head. I've been thinking too much. But in my head I can't quite grasp the expression of my heart. I can't find the words. No one has taught me what it is I am feeling. This is something new. Something I've never read about. Something I've never heard about. Something I am sure that has a name, a title, a file in some book on the study of the mind or the study of the heart. Everything has already been discovered. Everything has already been felt but this is new to me. I don't know what to do with it so I empty it in the only place I know where to empty the things I'm too afraid to express to the people in my life. Too afraid or at the very least unsure exactly what it is I would be attempting to express.
How do I express something I have no words for? I have no terms for? How do I express myself through more than deep signs and the perplexing formation of tears around my eyes? What are these feelings? Which emotions do I choose to express this thing within my heart?
I will try to unload here knowing how messy and confusing it will be. Knowing how I process as I write. Just as a journey is never about its destination so my letters to You, oh God, are never about the final punctuation. I suppose I will start with the things I know to be true within me and slowly step down the spiral staircase of my mind to see what has been forming in the cellar.
For the past three years I have loved Bea. In that time she has not always reciprocated those feelings. Love has never been about expecting nor requiring reciprocation. Rather freedom. She is not to blame for my feelings towards her nor does she have any sort of control whatsoever. How many times over these years has she told me not to wait for her, she needs to find things out for herself. I have never been naive of her confused feelings and her right to journey down those paths. My feelings have never been conditional based on hers.
This past year as I grew the beard I made a vow to set myself aside. To let go. To die to myself. To give my desires. Give myself. Pursue You, oh God. It was a beautiful year of growth and knowledge with You, oh God. Now as I have shaved off the beard and begin a new year fear is beginning to creep into my thoughts.
I am 27 now. I want to date someone. I want to express love towards someone. I want a relationship. I go out with my friends and they tell me their friends think I'm hott. I get girl's phone numbers. I text and set up dates with them. But every time something happens to me. I don't want to go on the date. I don't want to talk to them. It only makes me miss Bea.
What is this?
Chloe tells me its an unhealthy obsession.
Toni just smiles.
My friends silently listen.
Bea tells me not to wait for her. She tells me she doesn't know how she feels. I try not to wait for her. I try to talk to other women. I've been on dates. I've kissed other women. I've held them. And still I miss her.
Tonight as I began to set up another date with a woman when it finally came time to walk out the door I couldn't... I don't want to go on a date with her. She's nice, she's cute, but she... well if I'm going to be honest with myself she isn't Bea.
What is this?
I walk up the stairs undress in the bathroom preparing to take a shower to clear my mind. Looking in the mirror I find myself frozen in my mind for minutes.
10
20
30 minutes pass and I don't know what this is.
Bea has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't know what she wants. She has told me several times to date if I want to date. I want a girlfriend. I want someone to go on walks with to share meals with, to listen to them express themselves. I want someone to care for. So I try to date other women but find myself cancelling every time at the last minute.
What is this?
The strangest part about this conflict within me is that I don't think its a bad thing. I want to wait. I don't want to go on dates with other women. I only want to be with Bea. The hot water of the shower pelts my long soaking hair and as I wrestle with this strange contradiction inside tears begin to form.
What is this?
tears? am I sad? No. I long for a relationship so badly and yet I have all of these opportunities. Why don't I take them? Why don't I want them. I feel like I want them but yet I feel like I don't. I am so confused. What is this that I am feeling? I'm afraid Bea will move away. I'm afraid Bea will meet someone new. I'm afraid Bea may never be ready to be with me. I have so much fear and the safe thing to do would be to move on. Find someone else. Why don't I want to do that? Why don't I want the logical thing? There is something in me. These strange tears are a good pain. They aren't joyful yet I wouldn't trade them because they are genuine.
I want to wait. I want to take this risk for Bea. I don't know why and I know I won't be able to get this time that I am spending waiting back but so much of me is completely okay with that. Some people are worth melting for.
I feel this tension within me this longing to be in relationship and yet this realization that not simply any relationship will do. She tells me not to wait if I don't want to and I don't think I want to but only to find that I really do want to. I think I'm afraid people will think I am being obsessive like Chloe thinks. But my other option is to deny my feelings. I want to live in truth. I don't want to live in shame or fear and the truth is I want to wait.
I think my feelings for Bea scare me. I think how much I am ok with waiting makes me very afraid. I have no control over her and I have no idea what the future looks like. And yet I find this odd freedom in doing what my heart wants despite all of this surrounding fear and uncertainty.
I have feelings for Bea. And I need to embrace that. I need to acknowledge that I don't want to date at this time. I need to acknowledge that I do want a relationship. But I will not let fear force me into something I don't actually want at this point.
I guess if I am honest the tension and pull I feel the circles in my mind that go around and around feel like this:
I want a relationship
I have feelings for Bea
Bea doesn't want a relationship
Other women do want a relationship
I don't want a relationship with other women
Am I wasting time?
What if I wait too long?
What other choice do I have?
I don't want a relationship with other women
Wait.
I trust her.
I trust that she will tell me if she wanted to try again.
I trust that she will tell me if she wanted to date someone else.
I trust that she cares more about honesty than hurting me.
I trust her.
I am a hopeless romantic.
I'm right here. And I've always been here.
More of those nights are worth waiting for :)
I want to wait.
when I hold Bea in my arms...
when I taste her kiss...
when I hear her speak...
when I see her eyes...
I can’t get you out of my mind.
I solemnly swear,
I swear that I’ll never try.
Sleeping at Last - West
too many miles to count.
let’s just say we’re inches apart,
even closer at heart,
and we’ll be just fine.
another pin pushed in
to remind us where we’ve been.
and every mile adds up
and leaves a mark on us.
and sometimes our compass breaks
and our steady true north fades.
we’ll be just fine.
I know that we will.
I just know we will.
time moves slow
when half of your heart has yet to come home.
every minute’s adding up
and leaving a mark on us.
I can’t get you out of my mind.
I solemnly swear,
I swear that I’ll never try.
we’ll be just fine,
I know that we will.
we’ll be just fine.
it’s a matter of time
’til our compass stands still.
I have to write right now. I have to express myself. I've been stuck in my head. I've been thinking too much. But in my head I can't quite grasp the expression of my heart. I can't find the words. No one has taught me what it is I am feeling. This is something new. Something I've never read about. Something I've never heard about. Something I am sure that has a name, a title, a file in some book on the study of the mind or the study of the heart. Everything has already been discovered. Everything has already been felt but this is new to me. I don't know what to do with it so I empty it in the only place I know where to empty the things I'm too afraid to express to the people in my life. Too afraid or at the very least unsure exactly what it is I would be attempting to express.
How do I express something I have no words for? I have no terms for? How do I express myself through more than deep signs and the perplexing formation of tears around my eyes? What are these feelings? Which emotions do I choose to express this thing within my heart?
I will try to unload here knowing how messy and confusing it will be. Knowing how I process as I write. Just as a journey is never about its destination so my letters to You, oh God, are never about the final punctuation. I suppose I will start with the things I know to be true within me and slowly step down the spiral staircase of my mind to see what has been forming in the cellar.
For the past three years I have loved Bea. In that time she has not always reciprocated those feelings. Love has never been about expecting nor requiring reciprocation. Rather freedom. She is not to blame for my feelings towards her nor does she have any sort of control whatsoever. How many times over these years has she told me not to wait for her, she needs to find things out for herself. I have never been naive of her confused feelings and her right to journey down those paths. My feelings have never been conditional based on hers.
This past year as I grew the beard I made a vow to set myself aside. To let go. To die to myself. To give my desires. Give myself. Pursue You, oh God. It was a beautiful year of growth and knowledge with You, oh God. Now as I have shaved off the beard and begin a new year fear is beginning to creep into my thoughts.
I am 27 now. I want to date someone. I want to express love towards someone. I want a relationship. I go out with my friends and they tell me their friends think I'm hott. I get girl's phone numbers. I text and set up dates with them. But every time something happens to me. I don't want to go on the date. I don't want to talk to them. It only makes me miss Bea.
What is this?
Chloe tells me its an unhealthy obsession.
Toni just smiles.
My friends silently listen.
Bea tells me not to wait for her. She tells me she doesn't know how she feels. I try not to wait for her. I try to talk to other women. I've been on dates. I've kissed other women. I've held them. And still I miss her.
Tonight as I began to set up another date with a woman when it finally came time to walk out the door I couldn't... I don't want to go on a date with her. She's nice, she's cute, but she... well if I'm going to be honest with myself she isn't Bea.
What is this?
I walk up the stairs undress in the bathroom preparing to take a shower to clear my mind. Looking in the mirror I find myself frozen in my mind for minutes.
10
20
30 minutes pass and I don't know what this is.
Bea has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't know what she wants. She has told me several times to date if I want to date. I want a girlfriend. I want someone to go on walks with to share meals with, to listen to them express themselves. I want someone to care for. So I try to date other women but find myself cancelling every time at the last minute.
What is this?
The strangest part about this conflict within me is that I don't think its a bad thing. I want to wait. I don't want to go on dates with other women. I only want to be with Bea. The hot water of the shower pelts my long soaking hair and as I wrestle with this strange contradiction inside tears begin to form.
What is this?
tears? am I sad? No. I long for a relationship so badly and yet I have all of these opportunities. Why don't I take them? Why don't I want them. I feel like I want them but yet I feel like I don't. I am so confused. What is this that I am feeling? I'm afraid Bea will move away. I'm afraid Bea will meet someone new. I'm afraid Bea may never be ready to be with me. I have so much fear and the safe thing to do would be to move on. Find someone else. Why don't I want to do that? Why don't I want the logical thing? There is something in me. These strange tears are a good pain. They aren't joyful yet I wouldn't trade them because they are genuine.
I want to wait. I want to take this risk for Bea. I don't know why and I know I won't be able to get this time that I am spending waiting back but so much of me is completely okay with that. Some people are worth melting for.
I feel this tension within me this longing to be in relationship and yet this realization that not simply any relationship will do. She tells me not to wait if I don't want to and I don't think I want to but only to find that I really do want to. I think I'm afraid people will think I am being obsessive like Chloe thinks. But my other option is to deny my feelings. I want to live in truth. I don't want to live in shame or fear and the truth is I want to wait.
I think my feelings for Bea scare me. I think how much I am ok with waiting makes me very afraid. I have no control over her and I have no idea what the future looks like. And yet I find this odd freedom in doing what my heart wants despite all of this surrounding fear and uncertainty.
I have feelings for Bea. And I need to embrace that. I need to acknowledge that I don't want to date at this time. I need to acknowledge that I do want a relationship. But I will not let fear force me into something I don't actually want at this point.
I guess if I am honest the tension and pull I feel the circles in my mind that go around and around feel like this:
I want a relationship
I have feelings for Bea
Bea doesn't want a relationship
Other women do want a relationship
I don't want a relationship with other women
Am I wasting time?
What if I wait too long?
What other choice do I have?
I don't want a relationship with other women
Wait.
I trust her.
I trust that she will tell me if she wanted to try again.
I trust that she will tell me if she wanted to date someone else.
I trust that she cares more about honesty than hurting me.
I trust her.
I am a hopeless romantic.
I'm right here. And I've always been here.
More of those nights are worth waiting for :)
I want to wait.
when I hold Bea in my arms...
when I taste her kiss...
when I hear her speak...
when I see her eyes...
I can’t get you out of my mind.
I solemnly swear,
I swear that I’ll never try.
Sleeping at Last - West