Intimacy and Vulnerability. These are two things I know absolutely nothing about.
I thought I did.
But it turns out what I knew on the subjects was less than the beginners course.
I know so little.
Monday night at 2:44am Tuesday morning
I learned a lesson only experience can teach.
I made a decision.
All decisions cannot be undone. The circumstances may not be permanent but the decision altered the path even if it catches back up with an old path.
All decisions cannot be undone.
Life is strange in this aspect. Everything is so temporary and because of that rare, and because of that very sensitive.
Once a tree is cut down it cannot be undone. Yes there may be other trees in the forest and the forest shall continue to exist without that single tree, however that tree will never be a part of the forest again and if enough trees follow the same fate the forest will forever cease to be.
The present doesn't care how long the past has existed.
The future can only work with that the present has left.
The past is not true although it at one time was ultimate truth.
The present is conditional of the past
and the future is conditional of the present
The past is the foundation for both but rarely has this awareness
In fact this moment right now. This present will one day be the past. And this past that right now is the present will shape my future so much so that when I am older decades later I will be able to look back at this past which at the moment feels so much like the present and know exactly how this moment shaped where I am in the future.
The present is the most temporary of things thus making it the most sensitive. After the present we spend most of the future learning from the past. All of which in their own time are...the present.
All of this to say vulnerability and intimacy are such terrifying things.
We are always giving the choice
Trust
or Fear
We can only know what is in our own minds and God has given us this reality to find ways in which we may express ourselves to God and others. Along with this this same reality can be used to not only send signals but to receive them.
Once a message is sent into the airwaves anything can happen before it is received.
There is always a transmitter and a receiver.
Does that word hold the same meaning in both the transmitter and the receiver?
Does that look
That smile
that tone
that text
It is such a risk to send my message out past my mind. Once it has left my mind it is open to interpretation. It is open to criticism.
Like an artist displaying a piece
A musician preforming
A chef serving a meal
What are we trying to say?
What are we trying to express?
I believe God is the perfect receiver. God sees the heart of man. We can rest in knowing we are fully known and fuller understood by God.
But what about the rest of our reality?
The environment
The community
our relationships?
If I want to show love to a human I hug them
If I wanted to express love to a plant I would have to display the proper signal otherwise I could kill the thing which I meant to show my love.
Or if a carnivorous animal were hungry giving it the world's greatest salad would not be received.
We must take time in the present to learn from the past in order to express ourselves to reflect that which is actually within our hearts.
But it isn't simply that.
It isn't enough to work on perfecting the art of transmitting.
We must also trust that the receiver has comprehended the message properly. Exactly as it was meant.
But it doesn't end there. Certainly we are not all exclusively transmitters. How could there be relationship? Or honest knowing in being understood?
It isn't just transmitting well
It isn't just trusting well
We must also receive well.
We must hold in perfect balance these two expressions.
Transmitting and receiving. We must know when a message is being sent back and how to interpret it perfectly.
But even that isn't enough.
transmitting
trusting
receiving
and the final part You have no control over the final piece is that the transmitter trusts that You have received the signal exactly as intended from their heart.
How horribly terrifying. There are so many opportunities for error. So much risk. It is so sensitive.
While all of this is going on the present is changing into the future and with that change comes growth in both people which means a constant adjusting of transmissions and receptions.
Vulnerability is the place where you attempt to transmit your entire heart. The whole thing. Like putting a bowling ball into a golf hole. It feels impossible and the fear of failure makes you want to freeze and never even take a stroke.
Meanwhile You find no difficulty cheering on and encouraging those you care about to keep putting keep trying. It isn't going well but none of it matters because you want so much for them to succeed.
But when they turn to you and say it is your turn to try, you yell and throw your clubs you storm off the course and quit. Why is it so difficult to trust?
Why is it so scary to trust that the same grace and mercy you so easily pour out towards them will not be equally if not increasingly poured out for you?
I love talking about failure and courage and honesty and vulnerability when encouraging those I love. But when it comes to my own life I freeze.
Why can't I let them love me the same ways I love to love them?
There is so much I don't know. I have so much to learn.
John Lennon - Beautiful Boy
I thought I did.
But it turns out what I knew on the subjects was less than the beginners course.
I know so little.
Monday night at 2:44am Tuesday morning
I learned a lesson only experience can teach.
I made a decision.
All decisions cannot be undone. The circumstances may not be permanent but the decision altered the path even if it catches back up with an old path.
All decisions cannot be undone.
Life is strange in this aspect. Everything is so temporary and because of that rare, and because of that very sensitive.
Once a tree is cut down it cannot be undone. Yes there may be other trees in the forest and the forest shall continue to exist without that single tree, however that tree will never be a part of the forest again and if enough trees follow the same fate the forest will forever cease to be.
The present doesn't care how long the past has existed.
The future can only work with that the present has left.
The past is not true although it at one time was ultimate truth.
The present is conditional of the past
and the future is conditional of the present
The past is the foundation for both but rarely has this awareness
In fact this moment right now. This present will one day be the past. And this past that right now is the present will shape my future so much so that when I am older decades later I will be able to look back at this past which at the moment feels so much like the present and know exactly how this moment shaped where I am in the future.
The present is the most temporary of things thus making it the most sensitive. After the present we spend most of the future learning from the past. All of which in their own time are...the present.
All of this to say vulnerability and intimacy are such terrifying things.
We are always giving the choice
Trust
or Fear
We can only know what is in our own minds and God has given us this reality to find ways in which we may express ourselves to God and others. Along with this this same reality can be used to not only send signals but to receive them.
Once a message is sent into the airwaves anything can happen before it is received.
There is always a transmitter and a receiver.
Does that word hold the same meaning in both the transmitter and the receiver?
Does that look
That smile
that tone
that text
It is such a risk to send my message out past my mind. Once it has left my mind it is open to interpretation. It is open to criticism.
Like an artist displaying a piece
A musician preforming
A chef serving a meal
What are we trying to say?
What are we trying to express?
I believe God is the perfect receiver. God sees the heart of man. We can rest in knowing we are fully known and fuller understood by God.
But what about the rest of our reality?
The environment
The community
our relationships?
If I want to show love to a human I hug them
If I wanted to express love to a plant I would have to display the proper signal otherwise I could kill the thing which I meant to show my love.
Or if a carnivorous animal were hungry giving it the world's greatest salad would not be received.
We must take time in the present to learn from the past in order to express ourselves to reflect that which is actually within our hearts.
But it isn't simply that.
It isn't enough to work on perfecting the art of transmitting.
We must also trust that the receiver has comprehended the message properly. Exactly as it was meant.
But it doesn't end there. Certainly we are not all exclusively transmitters. How could there be relationship? Or honest knowing in being understood?
It isn't just transmitting well
It isn't just trusting well
We must also receive well.
We must hold in perfect balance these two expressions.
Transmitting and receiving. We must know when a message is being sent back and how to interpret it perfectly.
But even that isn't enough.
transmitting
trusting
receiving
and the final part You have no control over the final piece is that the transmitter trusts that You have received the signal exactly as intended from their heart.
How horribly terrifying. There are so many opportunities for error. So much risk. It is so sensitive.
While all of this is going on the present is changing into the future and with that change comes growth in both people which means a constant adjusting of transmissions and receptions.
Vulnerability is the place where you attempt to transmit your entire heart. The whole thing. Like putting a bowling ball into a golf hole. It feels impossible and the fear of failure makes you want to freeze and never even take a stroke.
Meanwhile You find no difficulty cheering on and encouraging those you care about to keep putting keep trying. It isn't going well but none of it matters because you want so much for them to succeed.
But when they turn to you and say it is your turn to try, you yell and throw your clubs you storm off the course and quit. Why is it so difficult to trust?
Why is it so scary to trust that the same grace and mercy you so easily pour out towards them will not be equally if not increasingly poured out for you?
I love talking about failure and courage and honesty and vulnerability when encouraging those I love. But when it comes to my own life I freeze.
Why can't I let them love me the same ways I love to love them?
There is so much I don't know. I have so much to learn.
John Lennon - Beautiful Boy