I've been struggling with doubt for such a long time. I have suppressed it but I'm getting so tired of it. I feel torn and confused.
I have the head of an atheist but the heart of a Christian.
The older I get the harder and harder it is for me to keep the fire. To keep the faith.
Reasons I doubt:
It seems not only the scientific world but even the Christian world has accepted that the universe is millions of years old if not older. It seems that evolution has become fact. If these things are true then humans came from a single cell organism in which case we are no different than any other life on this planet and thus we have no souls. If we did have souls at what stage in evolution would our animal evolutionary grandparents developed the soul? Or when did God put it in that being?
Next we have the flood story which again there seems to be no evidence for, not to mention the difficult logistical hurdles of two of every animal on an ark.
Brian would tell me he doesn't believe any of the stories of the bible are true yet they hold within them truth.
During my trip to Egypt I learned from a very educated guide that there seems to be no documentation of any Israelite slaves and the ancient Egyptians were very good at documenting all of their history.
Next we have Sodom and Gomorrah some say it was destroyed because of homosexuality, some say it was destroyed because of a lack of hospitality... Our court system prevented same sex marriage bans nationwide. There are many loving and kind gay Christians, even pastors...
Fast forward to the birth of Jesus, there is no historical documentation of Herod ordering all children under 2 to be killed. There is difficulty lining up the timelines of the census with Jesus' birth.
The letters of Paul talk about Jesus returning in their lifetime.
Visiting Rome and seeing all of the things they have added and claimed and said with little to no evidence to back them up. They name the three kings when there is not even evidence there were only three. They claim to have the steps Jesus walked up to see Pilate. They claim the wine and bread actually become the blood and body... some of the things are almost blatantly made up.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it feels to me like science says something and Christianity bends and molds itself to fit within so as to not be proven false. Or it seems the church will invent things to calm the congregation's doubts and fears.
Watching Christians hold tightly towards the sin of homosexuality then quickly back pedal as the culture shifts has been difficult to watch. The same goes for the battle about teaching evolution vs intelligent design both of these have happened in my life time. I've followed both and it's been interesting watching the Christian leaders bend to the culture.
I guess it makes it hard for me to believe these things when it seems no one really truly believes them either. To listen to my seminary friends tell me Paul didn't write some of those letters, there are more books that were kept out of the bible, Maybe Solomon never existed, God didn't create the world in 7 days. No flood, no exodus... My brain wants truth and I'm tired of hearing the Christian defense of "well in the context... if you look at it this way...what they meant to say was...in the context of the time...it was written for these people in this circumstance..."
Even watching how happy my divorced friends are. Isn't divorce supposed to be bad yet here are people healthier and happier because of it...
Everyone has sex before marriage with multiple partners... sometimes they even have healthier marriages than those who wait.
Christianity feels more like an exhausting debate to argue people into agreeing with my beliefs to validate my religion.
Reasons I believe:
The things Jesus said are so true and so wise, how could an uneducated labor worker 2000 years ago be that wise? Why would the disciples be tortured and murdered defending something they knew was a hoax?
Why are humans so different from the rest of the living creatures? Why is Earth so unique and full of life? Other planets given the same amount of time should have spawned life that could exist under its own circumstances. Earth has life that can live under water, out of water, in darkness, in light, in heat, in cold, every inch of this planet life has found a way yet on all other places we can't seem to find any and life is so hard to sustain.
If there is no God, if we are just evolved animals then Hitler could be justified to rid the race of the inferior such as the mentally handicapped or the physically handicapped. Survival of the fittest.
I believe in hope.
I believe in love.
There must be something after this life... how can all of this simply end?
Where did this big bang come from? What if we are wrong about our science?
I hear countless stories and books about people being healed by God.
I believe the bible holds deep truths but how can it be simply written by men yet be so true?
Rest, peace, forgiveness, contentment, all of these things seem to be so true even to this day.
following what Jesus taught still seems to give the most life, meaning, and fulfillment to humans.
If there is a God then everything we do has such deep meaning. Then it matters to buy fair trade. It matters not to step on others to get what I want. It matters to free the slaves around the world. It matters to connect to the earth to care for it to tend it to love it to not see everything as resources but rather beauty and art. Everything has such worth.
So what do I do with all of this?
The head and the heart.
Faith and doubt.
How do I open the bible and start to pick and choose what to believe? Homosexuality is ok now so what they meant in the bible was...
Divorce is okay under circumstances so what they meant in the context was...
Women can teach and are actually becoming smarter than men so when Paul talks about women not teaching he was only referring to...
When Jesus cast out demons he was only healing mental illnesses...
The creation story is merely a love poem...
Jesus didn't mean an eternal hell he meant the trash pile outside of town...
The whale didn't really swallow Jonah but the heart of the parable is...
What is left of this bible? What are we doing? Then I look at the church and I see something so one dimensional. Sing first, then communion, then teaching, then pray and go home... punch in, punch out rate the preaching based on how entertaining it was...
I find it hard to pray. I find it hard to find value in prayer when I doubt God exists. I find it hard to worship. It's hard to see what church has become. If God's will should be done then why should I pray for my will? His is better than mine.
God I want to believe. I long to be a Christian! I want You to be here, to listen to the cries of the suffering. To see the widows and orphans and love them so deeply. I want to know you protect the homeless in their tents. I want You to give life to my friends and enemies after death.
How do I get back on track? How do I know You are real. How do I know what to believe?
God forgive me for my struggle. Forgive me for my doubt. How do I believe? Lord help me believe.
I don't want a convincing new Christian movie
I don't want another powerful worship song
I don't want some convincing sermon
I don't want a prophetic word
I just want You. I just want to know that You are here, That You are truth.
Help me.
twenty one pilots: Doubt
I have the head of an atheist but the heart of a Christian.
The older I get the harder and harder it is for me to keep the fire. To keep the faith.
Reasons I doubt:
It seems not only the scientific world but even the Christian world has accepted that the universe is millions of years old if not older. It seems that evolution has become fact. If these things are true then humans came from a single cell organism in which case we are no different than any other life on this planet and thus we have no souls. If we did have souls at what stage in evolution would our animal evolutionary grandparents developed the soul? Or when did God put it in that being?
Next we have the flood story which again there seems to be no evidence for, not to mention the difficult logistical hurdles of two of every animal on an ark.
Brian would tell me he doesn't believe any of the stories of the bible are true yet they hold within them truth.
During my trip to Egypt I learned from a very educated guide that there seems to be no documentation of any Israelite slaves and the ancient Egyptians were very good at documenting all of their history.
Next we have Sodom and Gomorrah some say it was destroyed because of homosexuality, some say it was destroyed because of a lack of hospitality... Our court system prevented same sex marriage bans nationwide. There are many loving and kind gay Christians, even pastors...
Fast forward to the birth of Jesus, there is no historical documentation of Herod ordering all children under 2 to be killed. There is difficulty lining up the timelines of the census with Jesus' birth.
The letters of Paul talk about Jesus returning in their lifetime.
Visiting Rome and seeing all of the things they have added and claimed and said with little to no evidence to back them up. They name the three kings when there is not even evidence there were only three. They claim to have the steps Jesus walked up to see Pilate. They claim the wine and bread actually become the blood and body... some of the things are almost blatantly made up.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it feels to me like science says something and Christianity bends and molds itself to fit within so as to not be proven false. Or it seems the church will invent things to calm the congregation's doubts and fears.
Watching Christians hold tightly towards the sin of homosexuality then quickly back pedal as the culture shifts has been difficult to watch. The same goes for the battle about teaching evolution vs intelligent design both of these have happened in my life time. I've followed both and it's been interesting watching the Christian leaders bend to the culture.
I guess it makes it hard for me to believe these things when it seems no one really truly believes them either. To listen to my seminary friends tell me Paul didn't write some of those letters, there are more books that were kept out of the bible, Maybe Solomon never existed, God didn't create the world in 7 days. No flood, no exodus... My brain wants truth and I'm tired of hearing the Christian defense of "well in the context... if you look at it this way...what they meant to say was...in the context of the time...it was written for these people in this circumstance..."
Even watching how happy my divorced friends are. Isn't divorce supposed to be bad yet here are people healthier and happier because of it...
Everyone has sex before marriage with multiple partners... sometimes they even have healthier marriages than those who wait.
Christianity feels more like an exhausting debate to argue people into agreeing with my beliefs to validate my religion.
Reasons I believe:
The things Jesus said are so true and so wise, how could an uneducated labor worker 2000 years ago be that wise? Why would the disciples be tortured and murdered defending something they knew was a hoax?
Why are humans so different from the rest of the living creatures? Why is Earth so unique and full of life? Other planets given the same amount of time should have spawned life that could exist under its own circumstances. Earth has life that can live under water, out of water, in darkness, in light, in heat, in cold, every inch of this planet life has found a way yet on all other places we can't seem to find any and life is so hard to sustain.
If there is no God, if we are just evolved animals then Hitler could be justified to rid the race of the inferior such as the mentally handicapped or the physically handicapped. Survival of the fittest.
I believe in hope.
I believe in love.
There must be something after this life... how can all of this simply end?
Where did this big bang come from? What if we are wrong about our science?
I hear countless stories and books about people being healed by God.
I believe the bible holds deep truths but how can it be simply written by men yet be so true?
Rest, peace, forgiveness, contentment, all of these things seem to be so true even to this day.
following what Jesus taught still seems to give the most life, meaning, and fulfillment to humans.
If there is a God then everything we do has such deep meaning. Then it matters to buy fair trade. It matters not to step on others to get what I want. It matters to free the slaves around the world. It matters to connect to the earth to care for it to tend it to love it to not see everything as resources but rather beauty and art. Everything has such worth.
So what do I do with all of this?
The head and the heart.
Faith and doubt.
How do I open the bible and start to pick and choose what to believe? Homosexuality is ok now so what they meant in the bible was...
Divorce is okay under circumstances so what they meant in the context was...
Women can teach and are actually becoming smarter than men so when Paul talks about women not teaching he was only referring to...
When Jesus cast out demons he was only healing mental illnesses...
The creation story is merely a love poem...
Jesus didn't mean an eternal hell he meant the trash pile outside of town...
The whale didn't really swallow Jonah but the heart of the parable is...
What is left of this bible? What are we doing? Then I look at the church and I see something so one dimensional. Sing first, then communion, then teaching, then pray and go home... punch in, punch out rate the preaching based on how entertaining it was...
I find it hard to pray. I find it hard to find value in prayer when I doubt God exists. I find it hard to worship. It's hard to see what church has become. If God's will should be done then why should I pray for my will? His is better than mine.
God I want to believe. I long to be a Christian! I want You to be here, to listen to the cries of the suffering. To see the widows and orphans and love them so deeply. I want to know you protect the homeless in their tents. I want You to give life to my friends and enemies after death.
How do I get back on track? How do I know You are real. How do I know what to believe?
God forgive me for my struggle. Forgive me for my doubt. How do I believe? Lord help me believe.
I don't want a convincing new Christian movie
I don't want another powerful worship song
I don't want some convincing sermon
I don't want a prophetic word
I just want You. I just want to know that You are here, That You are truth.
Help me.
twenty one pilots: Doubt