Sunday, November 29, 2015

11/29/15

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-Robert Frost

If my mind zooms out too far I think about how we are a speck of nothing inside of a massive nothing.
If my mind zooms in too far I am overwhelmed at the energy spent, the complexity of my sustained existence.
Then if my mind switches gears from the academic discipline of natural science to poetry within the branch of humanities my mind becomes even more encumbered. I read this poem over and over and I find such beauty. I find such meaning. This was written by a temporary form of organic matter existing on Earth for a moment in time. That's it?

I don't believe it. My mind feels like the Stanza della Segnatura holding all of this contradiction in one room.
Sometimes when I look at these celebrities in articles or the news I imagine them stripped down. Stripped of their titles, stripped of their designer clothes, stripped of their apathetic confidence in their lack of hunger. stripped of their security. What are they? Their hearts are just as fragile as a deer's. Their lungs just as dependent on that next breath as a rabbit. We are all so powerless. I imagine how we would view these people if they ate stooped to the ground shoveling with their bare hands. Would we view our selves so elevated from the rest of life on the planet if we didn't strive so much to separate ourselves?

In the cold dark wilderness of the woods far from civilization and social obligations Frost contemplates stopping. Giving it all up. We as humans fight so hard to create this division from the world.
We cut our hair,
we trim our nails,
we shave our bodies,
we put on costumes,
we prepare our meals on plates with napkins
we bring the food to our mouths with utensils
But in this moment for just a second Frost, as all of us have also considered, what if I gave up? What if I stopped fighting the current? What if I quit? But I can't. We can't. Our domesticated animal brings us back into focus with the shaking of harness bells.

Our bodies so crave rest. Our natural selves plead for the satisfaction of every desire of the body.
Lust
Gluttony
Sloth
Death

But to live is to fight. This is why the healthy food isn't as sweet as candy. This is why the evening jog burns. This is why the morning bed grasps so tight.

We must shave, we must brush, we must dress, we must stand upright rebelling the pull of gravity. Because we exist. Because we are. Because there is more than just a pale blue dot floating in nothing. Because we are more than just the sum of trillions of cells.
Because we have miles to go before we sleep.

NOVO AMOR - From Gold

Monday, November 23, 2015

11/23/15

A week of ups and downs.
I find out my mom doesn't want to go to the family Thanksgiving this year because of that stupid facebook fight with Brian.
I finish my first semester of school I think I got straight A's we'll see.
My transmission on my car dies so today I took the day off work to watch it get towed away.
Now I have the day off to write on here which I told myself I'd like to do more of.

Neil deGrasse Tyson - A Brief History of Everything


For reasons unknown that fraction of a pin hole of our universe started expanding.
String theory?
Casual sets?
CDT?
Non-commutative geometry?
Shape Dynamics?
Loop quantum gravity?
Epoch of inflation
photons to matter and antimatter back to photons
something else unknown happened the cycle was somehow broken and matter got the edge over antimatter. Without this edge our universe would be light and nothing.
The earth perfectly in its liquid water zone somehow created anaerobic bacteria. This bacteria perfectly changed the atmosphere of Earth to one with oxygen. With this new atmosphere life as we know it could exist.
a meteorite hit the Yucatán Peninsula creating the Chicxulub crater which killed all the dinosaurs and allowed us humans to evolve.

And that's where we are today. That's it. That is why we exist. We exist to die.
These gaps in modern science...do I attribute them to God?
Do I say God started the expanding?
God tipped the matter antimatter scale?
God placed the earth in the right zone for water?
God kick started the anaerobic bacteria for life on Earth?

The God of the gaps. As science learns and expands it pushing God into the small cracks. Using God as a placeholder until someone figures it out...

Is that how it is? I am the present times current form of the photon, matter, antimatter beginning? I am the current state of the carbon found on the earth that will one day change form to become something else like a tree.

What is consciousness?
What is ontology?
But why?

Sleeping at Last - Keep No Score

Sunday, November 15, 2015

11/15/15

Yeah I think about the end just way too much
I've been thinking too much help me

Life is just so strange.
What do I even do with it?

twenty one pilots: Ride

Sunday, November 8, 2015

11/08/15

I'm going to try to do a better job writing on here each week. I think it's good for me and it's what I want to do.

Carl Sagan - Pale Blue Dot


Inner Life Of A Cell


37.2 trillion cells that make up what I am.
The observable universe is 13.8 billion light years.

What is existence? How is this possible? How does this make sense? I'm moving 18.5 miles a second around the sun on this planet with everyone else all the while my body is make up of trillions of cells all working nonstop.

And for what?
For me to breathe one more time?
For me to eat one more meal?
For me to sit on my ass watching football?
For me to attempt to become the ruler of this dot for a point in time?
For what?
Why?
All of this for what? We live to die so that others can live to die until our sun burns out?

God, I need You. Speak to me. Give me faith. Give me hope. Give me reason.

From Indian Lakes - Runner

Sunday, November 1, 2015

11/01/15

I should be doing homework.
I never write on here anymore.
I wish I did.
often.

Nights have been hard for me lately.
I can't stop thinking about death.
Every morning I wake up and I try to imagine what it would be like to not.
What was it like to be asleep.
Did I feel like I was missing out?
Did I miss those I love?
Did I exist?
I can't stop thinking about God.

This struggle within me. How can anyone with any certainty know what's next?

The bible teaches divorce is bad, but I have seen how good it can be.
The bible teaches homosexuality is bad, but I have seen beautiful love there.
The bible teaches not to get drunk, but I have seen community in the party.
The bible teaches a man is the head, but I have seen such leadership from women.

My tiny little lens. It's all I have, my speck of experience. What do I know? What can I know? My brain thinks with such authority within me. I convince myself I am so wise. My brain drawling conclusions, making decisions, ha what does my brain know?

What happens when we die?
What is all of this? Life?

Are you telling me that this tiny blue planet swinging around the sun in the middle of an expanding nothing just happened thanks to gravity and time?

This is it? Every word, every brush mark, every kiss, all of this when we end it ends?
Why do we do what we do?
Why love if they will die?
Why build if it will fall?
Why learn when I will forget?

If this is it then why?
What are we doing?
What can we do? What makes life worthwhile if life is all that we have?
This can't be. I can't accept this.
There is more, something. There must be. We are more than dust. There is something different about us. We bare an image. The image. This is what's false. This, not after, now. This life must be the illusion.

doubt, faith, how tiresome.
I miss you God.

Kodaline - High Hopes