09/25/16

Pigeon Superstition


I watched Mr. Nobody after Amorelle talked about it.

Choices are always so difficult.
How can anyone know if they made the best, or even the right choice?

Sometimes I wonder, if I could live two lives, walk two paths, which one would I consider the better?

Or would whichever alternate universe I come from say that that one was the best?

People always say stuff like, "I'm glad I did (fill in the blank) because it got me where I am today" Or "Because it made me who I am today"

But I've always hated that idea because all you know of yourself is the "who you are today" What about the alternative path who you are?

What if that version is smarter? healthier? happier? richer? better relationships with people around them? impacting the world?

You wouldn't know. In college I remember hearing everyone at parties talk like this.
I wanted to go to (fill in other college) but if I hadn't gone to (current college I'm visiting) then I wouldn't be who I am today.

I never said anything I silently nodded completely confused.

Mr. Nobody illustrates this idea to a degree. The film focuses mainly on the protagonists love life and how choices impact who he ends up with. I wish rather than show some weird elderly version of Letto they would have focused more on the paths of his life.

Which career did he like better?
Which life was he happiest in?
Which marriage was the best?
Which had the most friends?

Anyway I think about this every now and then. That's what spurred Amorelle's recommendation.

28 year old Adam
What if I stayed in Wauseon, who would I be in this moment, would I vote for Trump?
What if I moved to Indiana and married Whitney, who would I be?
What if I stayed working in the law firm, would I own a house right now? How much more money would I have?
What if I got a woman pregnant, What kind of father would I be?
What if I ended up going to Tanzania when I was 24 like I wanted?
What if I pursued teaching as an 18 year old straight out of high school?

"What if"

Like the white waters of West Virginia, time moves forward, only forward.

My first instinct is to say if I walked any other path, then I wouldn't be who I am but that again is only for lack of comprehending who my other options of being are.

After everything went down this summer Ericca told me I need to strengthen my yang. In Chinese culture the yin is the introverted life the yang the extroverted when we are out of balance we need to strengthen the other. Countless hours locked in my room working on school work grew my yin created an imbalance. This past month I've been more out going and social than I have ever been since maybe high school.

It's been working, I feel more balanced and healthy. But that was before this semester started. Now I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. I can't work full time, school full time, friends in the free time, and have time for self care.

Friendships are strange, we create them, we invite people into our lives, and at the same time they invite us into theirs. But once that transaction occurs, this stranger is now hurt or impacted by the way you live your life.

Everything is all so connected. Like Amorelle's thesis... The Way Things Hold Each Other.

We as humans are all so connected and these connections, these threads are so fragile.

No matter which action or inaction we take it impacts these connections, this web.

Here I am opening friendships, finding myself stretched and attempting to focus on school and in so doing, I am hurting those around me.

My one and only path in this reality.

The 1975 - If I Believe You

09/18/16

Spent another night having a conversation with Amorelle this week.

Every time we hang out she gives me so much to think about.
It's great to have someone in my life I can talk to who both understand and values the deeper core meanings and reasons behind the things we do.

It's refreshing to know there are other people out there who care, and care deeply about the why to everything.

I told her I think about why knowing and being known is some important to us as humans.
She said she's had the same thought. It was refreshing to hear the same thought from a different perspective.

I opened up more than I usually do with people allowing the thread of the things I do to be pulled a bit further down the line than normal.

But she feels like not only a safe place to express these things but a person who understands or knows I guess.

I told her how I want my life to be the personification of hope.
That hope is something that deeply both moves me and interests me.
She said the same about her art.

But then she said something I hadn't considered before.

She talked about how we are trying to express different types of hope.

Different types of hope, it's not something I'd considered before.

If there are different types of love, why can't their be different types of hope.

What are we saying when we say hope?

She said my type of hope is a growing.
I like that.
I want to be a teacher who gardens.
Both focus heavily on growth, on the hope of potential.

I've never been able to figure out exactly what the word hope means.
What's the difference between
wish
hope
faith
belief
Everyone uses these terms so interchangeably.

She talked a bit more about her work, I always enjoy listening to both the way and the why behind her art. I've never heard anyone talk about things the way she does.

Like the time we saw the deer in the cemetery, she said you're never more sure of what's beneath your feet than when you're in a cemetery. It made me think about how important it is to know what's beneath the topsoil as beings who work the land beneath us to cultivate nourishment.

The deer in the cemetery meant something different to me.

It was an earth stopping reminder that time and life moves forward, no matter what this life, the one I am living right now, it is ending, one day at a time. Once this life is finished, and it will be very soon, that will be the end of my story. No new chapter, no new book, no sequel or prequel, that will be the completion of my story in this reality.

The deer stepping gracefully across an old cemetery, the unconscious life in a location that meant something to loved ones who too have passed.

The reminder of our battle against nature will forever be a losing one, and that makes me smile. No matter who those people beneath our feet once were they are now fertilizer for the grass the living deer now grazes on for this day.

And life. goes. on.

God I ask for more late night talks on Amorelle's porch with warm cups of tea and raccoons climbing gutters next door.

Now if I'm walking through the rain
And I hear you call my name
I will break into a run without a pause
And if your love laughs at your dreams
Well it's not as bad as it seems
Either way one of them has got to go
And if you take of my soul
You can still leave it whole
With the pieces of your own you leave behind

The Avett Brothers - Salvation Song

09/11/16

I am a part of all that I have met
-Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson

The bell rang in the hallway the kids filed into the classroom placing their book bags on hooks and sitting at their shared tables. Then he walked in last.

A photo posted by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Aug 3, 2015 at 8:20pm PDT

A photo posted by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Feb 10, 2016 at 11:52am PST

We both couldn't believe our eyes. He stopped took one look at me and covered his face. I almost cried. Jalante, I've known him since he was two and now my first day in a kindergarten class and he is one of my students.

I'm overwhelmed. I am so grateful to have to opportunity to teach and learn in a kindergarten class in a Columbus City School. I love this city. What were the odds I would end up in the kindergarten class of one of my favorite kids?! This first week has been so perfect. I love hearing my name called Mr. Schuch, and I love slowly watching the relationship already start to form. Asking if I will sit by them during their work. Randomly hugging me then sitting back down at circle time. The small classroom with the supply shelves stacked to the ceiling the old one story brick school building, the lack of air conditioning and that elementary school building smell.

It reminds me so much of Elm Street Elementary where I went to school before it was torn down.

I wish I could sit here and put in to words how I felt this past week being in the classroom. I want to remember this first experience. I want to remember when I feel burned out, when I get caught up in the teacher gossip and complaining, when I get frustrated at administration. I want to remember this beginning. This feeling of joy and this eagerness to get my own class next fall.

But I can't put my finger on it. I can't find the words. None of the ones I know touch on this week. If I tried I feel like it would only be a half truth, what's inside of me would slip through the pin.

My whole life I didn't think I could find a job that I'd love. I thought work was simply something you do to make money for the things you really want out of life. But damn being in these elementary classrooms watching their faces when they finally get how to spell blue. I don't know why but it's the best. When they remember to put their name in pencil at the top of their page and hold up their accomplishment with the biggest grin on their face. It makes my heart swell and I want to cry.

Why do I always want to cry so much? It's just teaching millions of people do it every day and countless have done it through history. But I like it. I love the patience it teaches me. I love the hope it cultivates inside me. I love the pressure and the performance it asks of me. I want to be the best damn kindergarten teacher this country has ever had. I want my small roasting classroom in an old building with plants in the windows and papers all over the tables and desks. And I want to sing songs, write names, and explore this incredible world with a class each fall until spring.

Thank you God.

I am a part of all that I have met
-Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson

Passenger - Things that stop you dreaming

09/04/16

I want you to be mine again baby
I know my lifestyle is driving you crazy
I cannot see myself without you
We call them fans though, girl you know how we do
I go out of my way to please you
I go out of my way to see you
And I want you to be mine again baby
I know my lifestyle is driving you crazy
But, I cannot see myself without you
We call them fans though, girl you know how we do
I go out of my way to please you
I go out of the way to see you
I ain’t playing no games, I need you

Charlie Puth - We Don't Talk Anymore