09/24/17

My fourth week of teaching, finished.

This may be my last post. I'm not sure how this dude will react but he messaged me finally after over a year of talking to his wife. I guess I wanted to post this on the internet so when the police find my dead ass corps on the front steps of my apartment they will have something to go off of. Then again if I happen to die of something completely unrelated I hope he doesn't get charged with my murder because of this post...

Marriage is such a strange thing.
When it's consensual I feel like it is a very beautiful thing. Maybe the greatest thing a human can do...or maybe parenting is the greatest, or maybe all truth is relative and we should all only speak in "I" statements.
But when it isn't consensual it can be a dangerous, possessive, oppressive, depressing, aggressive, and shame-filling institution.

But what the fuck do I know I've never spent an hour of my 29 years married. I can only go by the things I've experienced through observation and listening to others.

Marriage is work, that's all married people seem to say, it's work but it's worth it...I'm not so certain, obviously I'm not or I would have proposed to at least one of my exes rather than self destruct the relationships. I've only seen one marriage I envy...one.

And that one doesn't look like work, but then again if you find a job you love you'll never work a day in your life as they say... Or maybe I never see behind the curtain.

Of course, I finally find the job of my dreams and I'm getting better and better at it. I'm finally making semi decent money, I'm living in a great area of town, and I've met a woman who seems to understand me on a level I want and likes being around me almost as much as I like being around her... as soon as life seems to be falling into place in my 30's I'm about to be murdered.

The universe has a way of swinging the pendulum back.

Interim grades were due Friday. We didn't have kids that day but we did have some trainings. There is always some good things I can pull from any training even if it is just one sentence.

https://t.co/041BkXsY04

— Adam (@ZMorris93) September 22, 2017

This video is so important not just for teachers, or parents, but for citizens voting for policy in our country. For people in the world to understand that not all people are created equally, that equal and fair are not the same thing. poverty is systemic, it can't be solved with a law, or opportunities, or hand outs, it's something much, much deeper than that. It takes healing, it takes educating, and it takes patience. Our prisons are filled with hurt humans. Adults who as children never learned healthy strategies to process emotions or weren't able to develop because of their environment and the way their fight, flight, or freeze cooping mechanisms manifested while growing up. If we want to solve crime rates, poverty rates, mental health rates, unemployment rates, illegal drug use, and healthcare costs then we need to invest in our young citizens in the low socioeconomic demographics. We need to make sure each community has enough resources to make sure every need is met. Police taking the time to walk their beat and build friendships in the community, schools with resources enough for psychologist, interventions and resource rooms, grocery stores with affordable healthy options that give growing bodies the nutrition they need to develop optimally along with giving energy to the adults who need to work longer days and raise children in one parent households with less education providing fewer job opportunities.

It's strange to me how we always seem to have fact based peer reviewed research evidence for issues and we never seem to invest in solutions. Climate Change is a fact and we still blast our air conditions in skyscrapers down to our vehicles. Brain development under stress is proven to have long term impacts on people putting them at higher risks for incarceration and poverty yet we still don't intervene.

It's almost as if we prefer it this way. It's as if society likes our poor neighborhoods poor, our inner city schools failing, and our black citizens murdered by police.

There is no excuse, there wan't no reason things are this way. This week our senate just approved a $700 billion policy for the military spending in 2018. $700 billion dollars. Even if we cut that in half and invested it in resources for our low income areas of the nations there would still be $350 billion dollars for the military. We wouldn't need this much military defense if our president wasn't picking fights with North Korea and Russia. There aint no reason, we clearly have the funds. Our government has more than enough money, obviously they could provide healthcare they could provide education and mental health resources.

Travis is here now so rant over.

Goldlink - Crew

09/17/17

$1,166.74
Last friday September 8th I received my first paycheck from Columbus City Schools. I wanted to remember the amount and I wanted to remember this moment in my life. Leading up to this paycheck for the year of 2017 I had made a total amount of
$8,366.26
...It's September and I made less than $10k in 8 months.
January to May I was student teaching working at the after school program for two hours a day
June and July I went back to the prek but quit early when they weren't going to keep Alicia because of who she loves
The month of August I spent setting up my classroom and going to orientation
September I was finally employed and paid.

Friday I went to the downtown YMCA at 6:30 and I got home from work around 9:45.
I've felt really off this weekend. I'm not sure what's going on, maybe I'm tired, maybe it's something I don't know about but I don't feel like I have much to say.

Halsey - Bad At Love

09/10/17

Today Pam turns 60 years old.

My second week of teaching is finished, I think it's getting slightly easier as I get in the groove of the routine. I got my first teacher paycheck Friday.

This past week I wasn't allowed to spend time with someone I wanted to spend time with. I know she's in a very dangerous situation right now and I know it's just a matter of time before something happens that cannot be undone I keep half joking half completely seriously suggesting one of the three of us is going to be killed. So I understand the need to take some time away from each other. This is such a strange situation I've never been in anything like it and I'm not sure I know of anyone who has been in anything like it...but this is my life and this is a chapter in the story.

Kossuth the path that connects us.
Mid morning sun climbing over shingled roof pitch its heat warming my skin in the openings of the crown canopy. Branches out stretched for their daily meal, The smell of sulfur filling my nostrils as I pass Mohawk the vivid contrast of peach against the brick, wrought iron black, and leafy green any moment now she'll round that red stable then slowly the topography of the uneven brick and the unlopered wildness of the low limbs will reveal her...
There
The sun behind her like a royal aura spotlighting her as if center stage of this scene in the performance of Earth. Her hair natural displayed the way her deoxyribonucleic acid intended it to be shown to the world. Her brown eyes hidden behind sunglasses. Every time I see her walking towards me I'm surprised it's me she wants to see, I am the catalyst for this stage performance then she catches sight of me and her bright smile illuminates.
That's the moment I like
The golden sun behind her
The forest leaves before her teasing me as they sway back and forth obstructing my view
The cyan sky
The brick red beneath her
And her onyx skin as deep as rich soil the kind from which all life this golden aura behind her pulls out of the ground illuminating the planet with colors stretched up all towards the sky
All of it in one moment all of it spun together so casually so incidentally it's as if this wonderful life giving planet we call home can do nothing but create beauty

I like that moment.
I want to remember these summer mornings
I want to keep them I want to preserve them somehow perhaps through this poor excuse of a written description, the only way I know how to preserve the forever fleeting existence of my speck of a life.
I want to remember before the leaves fall to the ground, before the colors turn to grey, before the snow is muddled with sludge black and brown against the trudged curbs, before the air, once feeling so pleasant on my bare skin betrays me and I rebel against it covering every inch of myself. My head once held high and proud in the heat of a summer morning, now tucked towards my coat collar hands wedged immovable within pockets. The pleasant slow walk turned harsh quick paced necessity. Winter brings in its own a beauty but it is much more subtle and it much be searched for. It is a hidden beauty but it can still be seen if given the time. Without the season of winter we couldn't truly enjoy the gratitude of revealed skin in the summer.

A girl who’s smart and funny and who, if I say something dumb for a laugh
Is willing to say something two or three times as dumb to make me laugh
But who also gets weird and wise sometimes in a way I could never be
A girl who reads books that no one’s assigned to her
Whose curly brown hair has a line running through it
From where she put a tie to hold it up while it was still wet
That Power - Childish Gambino

09/02/17

Manplaining manbun with her husband's friend

Friday night I went out with her and two of her friends. It felt weird. I know her husband views me as someone who wants to get in the middle of someone's marriage. I know he has no respect for me. I know he hangs out with these people often they are his friends and through his lens they are their friends...not mine, I'm just a homewrecker.

This week had been a long exhausting week. The first day of school a mother couldn't find one of my students because she expected him on another bus than the one the district had assigned. Every night this week I put in 12 hour days and I had finally made it to Friday. I wanted to see her, I always want to see her to be near her, next to her, I want her happy, I want her laughing, smiling, and I want to look in her eyes, those eyes.

I want her smiling like when I talk about fingers on fingers. I want her smiling like when her friend sends me a bitmoji with double fingers.

But Friday night wasn't perfect, not the ending. We went out with her friends and the dude seemed awkward because he was out with his friend's wife and her side dude, I felt like an asshole. We started trash talking each other about video games she mentioned Super Smash Bros a game that anyone who grew up with me would know I use to hold tournaments in my house as a kid and win. I also won the school tournament when one of the science fair booths had the game. I loved that game. If I was home alone I would set the three computer players to level 9 and put them on the same team against me.

We walked to 16 bit the night is chilly but perfect if you're one of those Ohio season lovers. She looked incredible that night her ripped long legged pants and her black top with just a tease of stomach. We got to the bar and there was already a crowd of people playing SSB. She bought me another PBR, she always buys all my drinks and my poor unemployed ass has to accept them as she insists it's nothing to her along with countless uber rides, I felt like an asshole.

We walked to frogger and I watched her play, she's much better at the game than I am. I knew turtles was nearby I use to play that endlessly before the N64 was created. We played a bit and I explained the buttons, I felt like an asshole.

She wanted street fighter and I knew where it was, I was always a Mortal Kombat kid but I'd play anything with her to be beside her. The game was taken and from the looks of it that dude wasn't planning on leaving. So we made a full lap back to the N64 table her friends had left and it was just the two of us. It was around 11 I had been awake for 15 hours but I wanted to be with her and I knew if we went home she couldn't stay over and cuddle. She asked if I wanted to play SSB, I said no, she insisted, she approached one of the guys at the table, he slid his arm around her pleased to have a beautiful stranger break the ice. She must have asked if she could play, then pointed to me, the man's expression immediately changed. I hate meeting people, I didn't want this situation at all. I walked up, the guy subtly threw a shoulder, said excuse me, and walked away. She handed me the controller at a table full of strangers. She had now had me intrude on a group of friends' game. I started the game over which I felt like a dick for doing. I tried to select my character but the joystick was hard to move, or was I just rusty at the game? I couldn't be I played it sometimes over at Daniel's with Alan. The game started and I basically walked off the edge twice. I started complaining about the controller which is what every sore loser does, the worst fucking complaint anyone playing video games can make. I had embarrassed myself in front of a woman I wanted only to impress, and around strangers I had taken a controller from. I felt like an asshole.

I couldn't stand the situation any longer I set the controller down and walked away. What a moron burying myself in my phone I wanted to disappear and I shut down. She walked over to me and I was in lock down mode a classic relationship Adam move I could feel it coming, she was on the verge of walking away, we were silent, it was terrible, and if we had been seeing each other long enough and comfortable enough she definitely would have walked away. They all do.

I don't know how to do relationships, this woman comes from a fucking perfect home life, she has such a healthy open adventurous group text with her family. Her family has shown her it's good to talk and share to communicate and open up. That's not how I was taught to do family and relationships. I was taught to eat in front of the tv in separate rooms unless it's Thanksgiving. I was told to not talk to my mom unless I needed something. I was told not to use my brother's washer and dryer if I didn't have one.

She ordered an uber, I secretly wanted to walk in the rain with her but I understand she didn't. She offered to drop me off at my place, I told her I didn't want her to, I wanted to walk back to my place in the rain, she objected, I felt like an asshole.

The ride was quiet, she extended her hand across the back seat, something I was very grateful for, when I lock down I'm never able to pull myself out but I wanted her hand I always do. Pulled up to my place and I thanked her and got out...I felt like an asshole.

I want her laughing, always, like my camera roll from Tasty Made but I don't think I know how to have something long term and healthy. I only know how to flirt and first date. I only know how to one night stand. I only know how to look better than an insecure abusive husband, but after awhile the shine wears away and I'm an insecure silent man myself turning to stone.

I think I always knew my roll in her life was to show her there are good men out there, my roll has always been to be the sign that points to something healthy but nothing more than that post marriage rebound. I forgot that for a minute, it slipped my mind at the top of Rising Park during the roar of the tractor pulls, I forgot while ordering a drink from PJ at Mohawks, It escaped me at the mill in Yellow Springs. I'll ride it out as far as it will go. I want to see her as much as I can before she starts to walk away. She's amazing, she's everything I want in a woman and somethings I didn't know I wanted.

But what the fuck do I know about long term healthy relationships?
Nothing.

In exactly three months, I'll be thirty.

FUN - Kyle