02/25/18

Presidents Day 2018
Monday night I tried to take Tem out to Denmark the downtown cocktail bar.
I didn't have school and she was stressed beyond
So I wanted to give her something she'd like something to let her decompress and express in an environment that was pleasing to her.

This past weekend we went to see Black Panther. Before the film she told me while we spent the day thrift shopping that she wanted me to do things that make her feel special.

It was upsetting to think the most important woman in my life didn't feel special to me.
Denmark didn't go as planned
She had just come from her husband's new place to drop off divorce papers to sign
And I added stress to her day instead of helping carry the load.

I couldn't sleep Monday night.

Her love languages are quality time and physical touch
For the past half a year she's been the first person I see when I wake up and she's the last person I see when I go to bed. I rush home from work change my clothes and see her.

I'm missing it.
She deserves more than what I'm giving her currently.
Tuesday morning I really didn't want her to leave my apartment

What good is a message in a foreign language?

Last Saturday I made it to the garden for the first time this year. I wanted to attempt to tame the blackberry vines. The day was very warm for February the weather was on and off light rain. Time is so important. February versus August. The work is unbearable in the summer. The tall grass around the vines and the intermingled weeds take the task impossible if not very frustrating. Thorns and leaves everywhere. But in a different season the weather brings all plants into a very vulnerable state. They go to seed as they wither and die their thorns flake and shrink, the once ominous tangle of itch, insect, and sting has now become the bare bones of life.

I learned a long time ago when working in the gardens to never look at the entire task at hand but instead to only focus on the weeds directly in front of you to handle each weed one by one. Never stand back and attempt to measure amount or time. Those sorts of ideas will only debilitate and hinder even starting the project...stem by stem inch by inch, that is the only way to work in the garden.

Half an hour passed and behind me lay a heap of weeds and withered tall grass. Before I knew it, as always happens I had made significant progress into the mix. Another half an hour and the task would be complete. The ugliness of the garden, the death and exposure of the ground, it wasn't the most pleasant working conditions. I tried to imagine that July sun beating down on my shoulders and back at 10am. The mosquitoes swarming my ears, The itchy leaves of the weeds irritating my arms the sweat of my body sticky skin peeling and sealing with each movement.

How quickly I look forward to summer. How ready I am for long sunny days, skin out and windows down. But how quick I forget the swelter of the baking car, those nights with no blankets windows open, The bugs and the exhaustion of simply standing in the sun.

Winter has its charm despite my best attempts to ignore them.

I am thankful for the seasons without the bad the good disappears.

Tuesday the weather hit 77 and everyone in the city was out. Tem and I went to a bar to enjoy the sun. I doubt any of those southern cities would come out and appreciate a sunny 77 degree day the way a city in Ohio does in February. February makes May all the sweeter.

And I can't wait for May.

Alina Baraz - Electric (feat. Khalid)

02/18/18

July 9th 2016
The day I found that Tem exists on this planet.
February 18th 2018
The day Tem and I hit half a year on our snap streak.

Pretty insignificant stuff in the grand scheme of things but I wanted to, in this personal place, hold these moments. Milestones, no matter how negligible, time capsules, snapshots of my life.

January 20
Najee Ali Baker was killed on the campus of Wake Forest University.
January 22
15-year-old student was wounded in a shooting at a high school in Italy, Texas, authorities said.
January 23
15-year-old student shot 16 people killing two other 15-year-olds at Marshall County High School in Benton, Kentucky, authorities said.
January 31
A fight led to a shooting in the parking lot of Lincoln High School in Philadelphia, fatally wounding a 32-year-old man.
February 1
15-year-old boy was shot in the head and a 15-year-old girl shot in the wrist at Sal Castro Middle School in Los Angeles. Two other students were grazed by bullets.
February 5
High school student was shot in the parking lot of Oxon Hill High in Maryland. The victim was treated and later released.
February 9
High school student was shot five times in the parking lot of Pearl-Cohn High School in Nashville.
February 14
19-year-old Nikolas Cruz killed 17 people at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida.

8 shooting on school grounds in 6 1/2 weeks for 2018

February 15
18 year old Joshua Alexander O’Connor planned to kill his classmates at ACES High School Everett, Washington with a semi-automatic rifle found hidden in a guitar case, as well as homemade explosive devices. "I'm preparing myself for the school shooting,” the teenager wrote, according to court documents. “I can’t wait. My aim has gotten much more accurate ... I can’t wait to walk into that class and blow all those fuckers away." In his journal, he also expressed how much attention he had paid to creating the plot and how many of his classmates he hoped to kill. “I’ve been thinking alot [sic],” the entry said. “I need to make this shooting/bombing at Kamiak infamous. I need to get the biggest fatality number I possibly can. I need to make this count. I’ve been reviewing many mass shootings/bombings (and attempted bombings),” he added, according to the court documents. “I’m learning from past shooters/bombers mistakes, so I don’t make the same ones.”

How many children are writing the same journal entries in this country right now? How many are planning right now whether in their head or on paper as evidence?

Thursday my school practiced a level three lock down drill. I sat in the dark with my classroom door locked with all of my students huddled against the cabinets and I could only think to myself how I would actually react. How could I keep my students safe? How could I defend them or instruct them to be silent or fight or run if need be?

Friday night I went to a burlesque show at Bossy Grrl's Pin Up Joint with Vanessa and Mike throughout the show I kept having thoughts similar to how I felt at Highball. My mind thinking about how safe and fun everyone felt at Pulse in Orlando back in 2016. What is the difference between that night and this night? Nothing...absolutely nothing. Simply chance and luck. The same is true for my school and Marjory Stoneman Douglas High. The same for Highball and Vegas... simply luck and chance.

It's strange feeling more and more unsafe in my own country, in my own city... America has always had this arrogance this illusion of trust in government that we are safe but we aren't.

In New York someone drove a vehicle on a sidewalk.
In Columbus someone walked into a restaurant with a machete.
In California someone opened fire in a center for developmental disabilities.
In Columbus someone drove up on the sidewalk and started swinging a knife on campus.
Night clubs in Florida,
Concerts in Nevada,
Movie theaters in Colorado,
Elementary schools in Connecticut,
Counter-protests in Virginia,
at any moment anywhere people can be murdered in this country.

There's no reason to think it will end or be prevented in the future.
I hope there never comes a day I must protect and defend my students. If anything happened to any of them, especially while they are in my care, I would be ruined.

The Weeknd, Kendrick Lamar - Pray For Me

02/11/18

Winter
is taking it's toll on me
I need some sun in my life
I need some warmth in my days
I miss the fresh air
I miss the grass on my skin
I don't have much to say this morning
I spent most of this week with Tem so I haven't had time to think and put my thoughts down in writing. Sometimes I think that's the hardest part stopping in the middle of enjoying moments to process, record, and remember these moments, these feelings, this season because when those days come where you forget or you lose focus looking back and reading to recall those experiences is important. But it's hard to sit still here when I have grading, laundry, and groceries to do and it's keeping me from spending more time with Tem.
Today my brother turns 33.

02/04/18

A Priority School is one that ranks in the lowest 5 percent of schools in Ohio in student academic performance. To help it improve, the Ohio Department of Education gives each Priority School its highest level of support and monitoring. Ohio Department of Education transformation specialists will coach, support and monitor each Priority School and its district through a visit to the building a minimum of once a month. The Priority School’s district will be directed to assign district staff to help facilitate the Ohio Improvement Process and help implement the Priority School’s improvement plan.

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics in 2017 2.3% of preschool and kindergarten teachers are men.

The white knight

I'm a male teacher in a priority school. I am part of 2.3% of my industry working in the bottom 5% of my industry in my state.

I'm thinking about this because of how my day ended on Friday. I have a student in my class...well actually many students in my class who are very emotional...and all of them are boys. This student aggravates me and brings me to my wits end. Friday I raised my voice in frustration at him and was very aggressive as he was leaving my class I pointed at the door and told him to leave my classroom...and he pushed me (attempted)...and I haven't stopped thinking about that moment. My initial reaction was the write him up and get him suspended because a teacher should not allow a student to ever be seen putting there hands on them and should not have a power struggle...but then I thought about the way I was acting the behavior I was modeling towards this child. Every message I sent him through my body language and my words told him to push me told him to return aggression with aggression.

He wasn't in the wrong, he's a child...I was in the wrong in my frustration being crunched for time between showing student academic growth, completing all district deadlines and reports, and feeling as if these emotional boys are running my classroom rather than the other way around I modeled an incorrect unhealthy behavior to the situation. As an adult around children everything I do I am teaching them something...and I taught him something very wrong.

This morning as I sip coffee and sit here reflecting on that moment I'm attempting to pull the thread of every antecedent of every emotional breakdown of every boy in my classroom. I think these past few months I've been getting frustrated and feeling inadequate next to my two female co teachers. Why don't they have these problem? How did I get all the emotional boys in my classroom and they don't seem to have any?

The state has labeled my school and thus my class as a priority...as the bottom 5% I don't believe or buy that shit for a second and I want to prove to the state that these kids are just as (if not better) than those A rated suburban mother fuckers and so I push, hard, and I lose sight, I lose focus. I want all of my students to have as many opportunities as possible when they become adults and I know reading is the first step to opening ANY door. And I know I hold the key to the foundation of that first step towards ANY door. I need to make sure every student is equipped before they take their next step into first grade.

But at what cost? These kids can't see the value of my motivation, the purpose for the push...They see an adult...they see an adult male...some of them I know their home life and I don't want to turn this into a there is no father in the picture so I need to be the father figure sort of bullshit because that's not the case most have their father in the picture to some degree. But what I am is another male figure in their life. I am a way for their brains their perceptions to either confirm what the other adults are modeling in their lives or to give them a new perspective.

If their parents are aggressive and I am aggressive...I'm confirming adults are aggressive and the way to solve problems with peers is aggression.
If their parents are aggressive and I am not...I'm teaching them tools for a different way to solve problems through kindness and forgiveness.
If their parents are kind and I am aggressive I'm teaching them tools for a different way to solve problems through aggression.
If their parents are kind and I am kind...I'm confirming adults are kind and the way to solve problems is through kindness and forgiveness.

I can't control how parents will parent...but I can absolutely control how I teach and what I model for them.

These emotional boys...Have I been modeling aggression and made them feel like they are not earning my approval? Are they looking up to me, their teacher, asking themselves if this adult male approves of them? And what has my response been to them both verbal and non?

I've been so focused on the power struggle and the respect of my classroom towards me that I've lost a bit of focus on what message I am sending. I want my coworkers and my administrators to see my classroom and think "wow he has control of them" But how do we gain respect and control? Is it through aggression or is it through mutual respect?

Earlier this week many of the building literacy coaches from the district observed my classroom during my literacy block. Afterwards my building coach informed me they all loved it. They were blown away at the routine and the autonomy of my students. He's a first year male early childhood teachers in a priority school wow he's good...and that sort of praise helps confirm all these late nights...but then there are those moments like Friday afternoon where a student pushes me...and all of my work feels pointless and my focus seems completely fucked.

I've always had this dream since my building is preK-12 that my former students would visit my classroom, that they would help during their study halls and they would ask for homework help on their assignments...That's the sort of lasting impression I'd like to have and that certainly isn't done by the way I acted Friday with my student. The worst part is he's one of my favorites...I hate disciplining him I never want to write him up...He also gets under my skin the most. He is the kind of student I want to visit my class. He's the kind I want to help with homework and I'm modeling that I don't want him to come back when he's older...I made a mistake this past Friday, I raised my voice I pointed towards the door and I sent the message in an aggressive manner that I don't like him nor do I want him in my class. and I won't make that mistake again.

I need to show these students a different way. I need to model kindness...and I will.

I guess that thought ran a bit longer than I had intended. I also wanted to think about and express my thoughts on Tem a bit.

Tem has mentioned a few times when we first started talking about how she'd like a text throughout the day or even one after work to ask how she's doing to talk about her day to show her I'm thinking of her. I've never been good at this stuff. Anyone who knows me knows I can only do one thing at a time. I'm sure if I had been tested as a child they would have found some sort of LD or label.

This is selling season she says, this is her busy time...she travels and she's never around...which means long distance...it means phone calls, facetime, texts, and all the things I have never been good at.

I always seem to drift away from friends because of this.
When Brian left Columbus so did our communication. We went from talking every day to talking only to plan visits or when in person.
The same can be said for Alan, and any one of my previous roommates, high school friends not in my city, previous coworkers, college friends, family...Whitney use to say in high school "Wherever you are is the most important place to you." Meaning I'm very bad at long distance.

Tem travels a lot for work...and I like her a lot. When she's in town all I want to do is be next to her be near her because wherever I am is the most important place. But when she is out of town...I suck at texting...I never call and we don't talk. That isn't the way I want to treat her. I want her to know I miss her...more than just texting it constantly back and forth. I want her to feel it, not read it. But damn I hate phone calls and I hate not being face to face. But it's not about me it's about her. No matter my feeling and my thoughts what message am I sending her and more importantly what message is she receiving, perceiving from me?

Sometimes I think about my life without her...What would it look like if she suddenly went away if she woke up and said she's done with this...what would it be...and it's maybe the worst thing I can imagine... that or losing my job...If she's that important to my life then the question I need to constantly ask myself is this, "Does she feel that?" Does she feel that she is that important to me? If she doesn't, if she questions if I miss her or like her then I'm not sending the right signals and I need to change my frequency. She is very important to me and I'd like her to remain a very very big part of my life for a very long time.

She took a big test Saturday morning (that's actually when I'm writing this) and I can't wait to see her afterwards. Last time we went out I ruined the night. Today and tonight I will not be repeating that I will express to her how much she means to me. What an incredible woman.

Michael Kiwanuka - Cold Little Heart