04/29/18

In her words
One year ago

04/24/17 Didn't you say you were married?
04/25/17 So why the FUCK did you marry him?
04/26/17 #ShitMyTherapistSays
04/27/17 How do you know when you are addicted?
04/28/17 What is perfection, really?
               #Blessed
               Lost in translation
04/29/17 Gene is a Verb

From the back seat to the front: Meeting her parents

Last Sunday I went home with Tem and met her parents at their house for breakfast. The night before I learned her brother would be joining us and riding with us. I was cautious since Tem told me several times that he never comes home to visit with her but on the occasion I am, he decides to. He's also good friends with Tem's husband. Tem assured me he'd sit in the back seat and sleep the whole ride to Dayton. When she arrived to pick me up I walked around to the passenger door unable to see where her brother was because of the reflection of the windshield. As I approached the door he was already in the front and as I moved to the back his 6'4" body had the seat all the way back so I made a complete circle around the car and sat behind Tem. He sat silently playing a golf game on his phone, the same game Jared played in the car while we drove around the state of Washington with Brian.

The ride was uncomfortably silent just as I had dreaded. It's difficult enough meeting her parents without an audience especially with how much she's emphasized the importance of her parents liking me. Bruce fell asleep quickly on the ride and I struggled to stay awake for fear he'd see me sleeping like an idiot with my mouth open. We arrived around 10am her mom and dad were in the kitchen, her dad with headphones on to protect his ears while the blender ran, her mom prepping the individualized catered plates. She mom hugged me when we met and her dad maintained strong eye contact which I dared not break as we exchanged a firm handshake.

We drank cups of coffee, Tem gave me a tour of their house before we sat down to talk. The majority of the conversation was focused around planning their family trip to Barcelona, I was thankful the family had a collective goal and topic as to avoid taking on the full brunt of our first meeting with a barrage of questions.

Breakfast was served and I thankfully didn't spill anything on myself or their nice home. I was able to not only finish all of my food but thoroughly enjoy it. I felt like I ate the appropriate amount not too much that I was uncomfortably full and not too little that it was insulting to her mom.

After the meal the family gathered around the bar countertop and discussed many topics. Tem and her brother openly talked about using drugs not only around their parents but with them. Tem also announced I was sleeping over at her apartment to her sister through facetime and subsequently the entire family.

Despite these nervous moments I managed not to say anything offensive and stupid and nothing embarrassing occurred. I was even able to join the conversation about the Texas middle school teacher who created a pros and cons T chart about slavery stepping very lightly to which I still regret getting involved in at all.

The family talked a bit about fitness and exercising with most of the conversation unnecessarily focused towards Tem.

After a couple hours we decided to part ways I was gifted a half gallon of unsweetened vanilla soy milk from her parents as we walked out the door. Once in the driveway as I approached the backseat Bruce spoke up and offered me the front seat next to his little sister.

Tem and I talked a bit on our drive back first with Bruce about high school house parties. Bruce inserted his earbuds and went to sleep Tem and I continued the conversation.

I had finally met her family in person.
I know her family is very important to her and I know now how open and close they all are.
I know how much they mean to her and I hope they like me as much as I like and low key envy, them.

Blasko - Another Love

04/22/18

In her words
One year ago

04/19/17 hmmm... where to start.
04/20/17 How did I get here you ask? Well it started with Pokemon Go...
04/21/17 Do you believe in Soulmates?

Bury me in the ocean with my ancestors that jumped from the ships, because they knew death was better than bondage.
-Erik Killmonger

This quote has been on my mind and heart ever since I watched the film two months ago. I've had a lot of thoughts on it but I've kept them silent because the last thing this world needs is another white voice commenting on the black experience and perspective. But this tiny secret site is my space and I feel safe to voice my thoughts here, not in public, not over top of anyone else but here quietly.

Everyone I've talked to about this film says this quote has been so powerful to them that it moves them and impacted them deeply...but I disagree with this character's philosophy. I know it isn't fair for the white man to disagree knowing that the ancestors who didn't jump had to face over 500 years of slavery and an untold more amount of racism in this country continuing today and into the future however many more centuries.

But those people who jumped from the ships are not this character's ancestors...their story, their lineage, their genealogy ended there. They are no ones ancestors. I don't fault them for jumping, given the situation I can't say for certain I wouldn't jump myself. But the idea of jumping from the ship is very much in line with this character's philosophy and world view.

But what about the brave souls who arrived in America? What about those who kept hope alive? What about those who watched their children torn from their arms and sold, never to be seen again? What about those women, wives, daughters, sisters, aunts and mothers raped and chose to trudge on? Those who did not jump, those who did not commit suicide. Those brave humans viewed by everyone and everything their current ruling culture as nothing more than property and could never been anything more. Those brave men and women who chose to love despite knowing their children would be sold. Chose to love despite knowing their spouse may be whipped, traded, hanged. Chose to live despite day in and day out pain, agony, degradation, hatred, and nothing but the same to look forward to tomorrow...

Those brave men and women, those are the character's ancestors. They kept the hope alive until April 12, 1861 when the country tore itself in two over the freedom of all people. 2% of the entire population of the country died during that civil war, an estimated 620,000 men. More American lives were lost in that war than in world war 1, 2, and the revolutionary war combined. But Hope won out and those ancestors were "free" after 246 years since the first 19 slaves where brought to Jamestown, Virginia in 1619. And still those ancestors hoped. They hoped as their family names were changed, they hoped as their heritage, culture, customs, and identity where stripped from them never to be traced or known again. But it would be another 100 years of convict leasing, peonage, sharecropping and Jim Crow laws before the Civil Rights Act of 1964. But in another 44 years the first black president would be elected to run that very same country.

If every enslaved man and woman had jumped from those ships, thinking death was better than bondage we would have never had Barack Obama, Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Thurgood Marshall, Harriet Tubman, Bessie Coleman, Alvin Ailey, Miles Davis, Matthew Henson, Rosa Parks, Ruby Bridges, Mae Jemison, Langston Hughes, Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, Jessye Norman, Ida Wells, Malcolm X, Fannie Lou Hamer, Jesse Owens, Michael B. Jordan and many many other incredible Americas that have shaped this country, and this world for the better.

When I think of the path of the Black America my mind can't help but compare it to the original native nations of America before the European colonizers infected and plagued this land with disease, war, lies, pollution, and hatred. How many cultures, how many nations, how many people groups wiped from the planet never to breathe, write, sing, taste, or love again. Silenced by the white devils that still run this country today, I among them. Those who managed to survive are wedged into reservations where systemic poverty and injustice are the norm.

We have miles to go as a country, as a planet. We have miles to go, centuries. But how I pray and hope for an afterlife how I pray and hope those countless lives enslaved and murdered in those southern cotton plantations are resting somewhere and if only...how my deepest heart groans for this, if only they could see what their children have become. If only they could see the battles they have won the freedom and the power they have gained...miles to go indeed but there is no greater feat in human history than the struggle and the victory of the African America. To go from hopeless hell of shackles against the haul of wooden slaves ships to the mountain top of leading the very country whose laws were shaped specifically to intentionally keep black people pinned down.

How I pray Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. could see what his love has done, what his dream has become.
"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."
Yolanda Renee King - I have a dream ... enough is enough

This speech brings me to tears. My soul groans for there to be an after life so that Martin could know his granddaughter, that Martin could see his 9 year old granddaughter dream and lead this next generation.

Had her ancestors jumped from the ships thinking death was better than bondage...what a cruel dark world we would live in today. What a hopelessly evil world it would be and what a magnificently beautiful, diverse, and culturally rich place we have because of those who survived, those who kept on, those who hoped in an absolutely hopeless situation. Black American citizens are still gunned down in their own communities and streets by those who swore to protect and serve them and their surviving families are still receiving no justice from the courts of their own country who swore to blindly serve justice. Black athletes are still being told to shut up and dribble when they speak out about racial inequality. Black athletes are still being denied positions on a team because they nonviolently, peacefully, take a knee, sports are being boycotted because the players are using their platform to attempt to shape a better world for their children. We have miles to go but we will get there. We will.

When we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring
from every city and every hamlet, from every state and
every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all
of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and
Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join
hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual,
"Free at last, Free at last, Great God almighty, "we are
free at last."
-Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Enneagram Type 2 The Helper
I know exactly how the rule goes:
put my mask on first.
No, i don’t want to talk about myself-
tell me where it hurts.
I just want to build you up, build you up
’til you’re good as new
and maybe one day i will get around to fixing myself too.

Two - Sleeping At Last

04/15/18

Day 2: The Unrequited Love Poem
FEBRUARY 01, 2018 IN THE WRITING
Vanessa Young

I know I'm two and a half months late to reading my girlfriend's friends writing but I had mixed feeling about reading other people's personal thoughts. "Treat people the way you want to be treated" seems to come to mind. I'd hate to know some, none, or all of my friends were reading my thoughts and ideas. Worse than that I'd hate to know if they started to read and lost interest to be found boring by those who know you best is something I'd rather avoid. The other side of the coin would be encouraging a friend's creation and art. To show support through viewership.

Her second writing struck me as interesting. She writes from this perspective of a woman heart broken over a man from such a short time. The character's friends struggle to find empathy because of the duration of their relationship.

I completely relate to this character. In fact I find myself in opposition of the protagonists' coworkers.

The relationship was short lived so it contained within it one of the most deadly elements in love

potential

You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

"She couldn't explain it. What kind of idiot falls head over heels after the first date? In the middle of the third date, she knew she wanted to marry him. Stupid, stupid girl."

In the alternate universe where their relationship is prolonged:

She sat waiting wine in hand for his text...he said one drink with his friends but that was hours ago... She stood up and walked to the kitchen there the trash was left by the door, another promise unkept, she closed her eyes.

Breathe.

she could hear him laugh loudly from the across the living room. He said goodbye to his friends as they drove off. She got up quickly and walked to the front door. She was greeted again by that ignorant selfish smile of his.

"Hey babe, how's your evening?" He said with that oblivious dumb look he had always given her. Stupid, stupid boy.

"Why didn't you text?" She pressed out her calmest tone attempting to mask reality in hopes that the night could still be salvaged.

"Oh sorry, I guess I forgot. What do you want to do tonight?"

Breathe.

"I was waiting on you to do dinner together."
"Oh well I actually already grabbed food with the guys, sorry I didn't realize. Go get yourself something to eat I'm going to finish watching the game downstairs."

Her heavy feet marched up the steps she slammed the door shut behind her. She collapsed in the hallway, too distraught to make it to her bedroom.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

She couldn't.

_____________________________________________________________________________

A wail pierced through their walls. He rolled his eyes over to his girlfriend.

"I think our neighbor's crying again," he said, mildly amused.

She made a mock sad face. "Poor girl. Maybe her grandma died." She turned up "The Voice" loud enough to drown out the sobs.

Enneagram Type 1 The Reformer
hold on for a minute,
‘cause i believe that we can fix this over time,
that every imperfection is a lie.
or at least an interruption...
now hold on, let me finish.
no, i’m not saying perfect exists in this life,
but we’ll only know for certain if we try.

One - Sleeping At Last

04/08/18

This is the end of my first Spring Break as a teacher.
It began at the end of March I took a flight to Seattle Thursday evening after work spent last Friday through Monday with Brian, Jared, Downing, and Travis before flying back all day Tuesday. (Alan's 30th Birthday)

Tem picked me up from the airport I left my pack in the backseat of her car and in the morning it was gone along with her old iphone. I can't help but feel a bit responsible for her iphone being stolen because my bag probably attracted the person to her car. She was right, I should have brought it inside but so things go.

It was good to see her again. I missed her while in Seattle.

Seattle
It's a beautiful big city in one of the most beautiful areas in the country and maybe the world.
The Pacific Northwest
The weekend was spent exploring downtown Seattle, the gum wall, Pike's Market, the original starbucks, the library, the night life of Capitol Hill and Pioneer Square. Hiking around the base of Mt. Rainier without snowshoes in the 15 feet of snow, hiking Rattlesnake Ridge, and Little Si. We drove up to Bellingham to check out the brewery scene and we enjoyed the luxury of legalized activities.

Seattle was certainly fun and the beauty of the area is unmatched anywhere in the midwest but near the end of my time there I was ready to come home. I'm not sure what it is about Columbus or even Ohio. I certainly don't know how to articulate a defense of it but it is home, and there is no place like it.

Seattle has the beach, the ocean, mountains, forests, a big city, art, night life, music, culture, history, lakes, it really has it all...Columbus is barely a city, it's flat, cold, land locked, and everyone here wants to be somewhere else... but Columbus Ohio is home. I seriously can't explain it but I wouldn't want to live in Seattle.

It was good to spend intentional time with my friends while we are all still single and not parents. I wonder how many more years we have like this before everything changes and priorities shift. I did not get the chance to meet Nikka but Brian talks very highly of her and I hope things work out.

I'm in my final quarter of teaching my first year. I'm nervous about my students' end of the year test scores. We've been through a hell of a year I've seen them grow so much and I'm very proud of them. No matter what number that computer spits out I know it can't truly capture the intelligence and potential of my students they are all such great kids and I hope I get to watch and help them grown into adults.

The Weeknd - Call Out My Name

04/03/18

Dear Adam,
Today I turn 30. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this. I know that I’ve never been one to make a big deal about birthdays. You might not even have known today was my birthday (don’t worry – I meant it when I said don’t make a big deal about birthdays and I don’t do anything to tell/remind folks!)

I’m writing this because my spiritual director has encouraged me to. Initially, I felt that 30, like all of my previous birthdays, would be just another day. In the week leading up to this day, however, I’ve decided to listen to my spiritual director. She’s usually right about a lot of things.

So, here I am, trying to process my 30th birthday. Rather than taking time to look back across all 30 years I’ve been alive, I decided to focus on the last 10. You were part of this decade for me, you made it something meaningful and I shared experiences, thoughts, meals, and memories with you. So I decided to share this reflection with you.

Fair warning:
Most of this is more or less just stream of consciousness writing. I wrote it in a journal over the course of this past week, so a lot of it is really disconnected. It is more heavily focused on recent years, and some early years get shortchanged. The nature of memoir perhaps.

It may sound braggadocios at parts, but that is because I’m choosing to focus mainly on the really good things that happened. Some sections may seem unnecessarily detailed while in other parts, I sweep over entire experiences in a sentence. It is not meant to downplay people or relationships, it is just a reflection of what I felt like writing about. I won’t be offended if you don’t read this. It’s long. I know it is. But I hope you read some of it, even if you just scan for your own part of my story and smile. Also please know that often people are not mentioned by name, but if you read between the lines, you know where you are. Please know that you had a bigger impact on me in the past 10 years than I could convey in a brief reflection.

I love you.

*****
My twenties began at Bethany College. I was in my second year there. That was probably my best year being a Bison. I was doing well academically, loved my classes and professors, and really enjoyed finally living alone as an RA. It was also my best time at Phi Tau. I really loved that time and all the card games and dumb but fun memories of college.

I had my second summer on camp staff that year. Those three summers were the best summers of my life, and the last two, I was blessed to have most of the same staff with me. We worked really hard, and we fought, and we were really intentional about making memories and making those summers exactly the summers we wanted them to be. I knew them all before we were on staff, but the only reason we grew into the relationships we have now is because of those summers together. They were amazing, and the people I worked with will be some of my best friends for the rest of my life.

I traveled abroad for the first time when I was 20. I went to Chile with Ohio Delegation ’09 (OD09). That trip changed my life in many ways, and helped me apply for Global Ministries, which would lead to me to Honduras later that year. I went with Bobo and Stephanie to the inauguration of President Barack Obama when I was 20. Eight years later, I would shake his hand and greet him here in Ohio when his plane landed.

I graduated from college after three years when I was 21. I passed my comprehensive final exams with distinction and graduated with a GPA over 4.0. But I didn’t walk because by then I had stopped caring for Bethany. I was ready to move on.

So I went to Honduras for a year. It was supposed to be two. But a year was more than enough for me. For a year I was broken by the ugliness of humanity – the violence, the blood, the chaos. For a year, I was amazed by the beauty of humanity – the forgiveness, the hospitality, the perseverance, the faith in God.

I was challenged in so many ways there. “Where was God in that?”
“God was right there with the gunman saying please, please don’t do this.”

I left Honduras and came back to the safety and sacredness of Camp. There, I taught incredible young people alongside amazing counselors. It was Camp in many ways, which brought me back. I deepened in so many ways with my Camp relationships, and became an Advance Officer.

Then I went off to Union Theological Seminary – the best three years of my life. I fell in love with New York City. It became the only place other than Cincinnati I think I could ever feel is a home for me.

I had my first real relationship at Union. It was so good for so long and then it wasn’t.

Even all the way out there, I had (of course) camp people there with me always. Yolanda and I got to be as close as we are today mostly because of our time together in New York. Doug and I had our Theanthropic Thursdays – an incredible tradition that I’ll always value.

My classes at Union were often led by brilliant professors and were almost as often led by complete idiots. By and large though, whether through classes, or in conversations with my classmates, I felt that for the first time in my life, I was being really intellectually stimulated. I was being challenged and I loved so much of what I was learning about. Theology and Philosophy were fun and challenging and they fed me.

Spiritually, I was finally in a place that felt like real church. Not that I didn’t love my home church growing up, but here was a church that was not just talking about it, it was doing it! It was the divinity of diversity. The songs played on my heartstrings, the sermons stirred me to action, the prayers connected with my silent soul. Were it not for Park Avenue Christian Church, my time in NYC at Union would have been only half as valuable.

Mostly though, I developed an amazing friend group while at Union. Not only did we win at sports together, but we spent a lot of time playing games, checking off our NYC bucket list together, spending Christmas time as a group, supporting one another through the tears, and pushing each other to grow in better and healthier ways. It was the people that built the experiences and relationships that made New York a home for me.

I have always had such a blessed home and an amazing family. One that always shows up for me and they always did over the past 10 years. Whether it was visiting Honduras, coming to NYC for Thanksgiving (including having the best/worst/longest nights of our lives), coming to my ordination, inviting me out to visit, rejoicing with me in my happiness, celebrating with them in theirs, mourning with me in my times of loss, letting me mourn with them in theirs.

I was ordained. Despite the region – ha! And I had such a beautiful service with so many amazing people participating. I’ll never forget that day.

I moved back to my beloved but broken Cincinnati and began to serve in Carthage. What a joyful place so filled with the Spirit of God! Together, we rebuilt the church we believed God was calling us to be in Carthage. We became Open and Affirming, lifted up the Divinity of Diversity, and worked to grow it and love it.

I had other relationships that came and went and came again and went again. Good people, but not my person. I made at least my share of mistakes in those relationships and I am sorry for the pain I know I’ve caused.

I went to Ferguson. Three times. The first time with my Pastor Pal Ellen. We knew injustice, we had studied it for a while, but for me at least, it was one of the first times I really went and acted against it. I don’t know that I would have taken that first step without Ellen. But I’m glad I did, and I’m glad I did it with her. I went back with Brian, and we saw tanks in the street. I went back with Jon and we breathed in tear gas.

Christ’s passion for justice left its imprint on me, and from that point forward, I did my best to serve that passion. Whether that service meant in serving Guatemalan immigrant families in Carthage, or in attending meetings with the mayor or city council members.

Racial justice, Black Lives Matter, Immigrant Rights, Human Trafficking, LGBTQ justice issues – all have stirred me to action over the last few years and all have taken me to new places. To conferences and panels in Washington DC with people in positions of power. To small group meetings and strategies in the public library. To Major League Baseball’s All Star game and the Red’s Ownership. To organizing two Jericho Marches for Sam Dubose and marching 14 times around the courthouse to call for the walls of injustice to come tumbling down. To city hall. To special faith services and candlelight vigils. To the streets of Cincinnati, of Charlotte, and Charlottesville the day after a protest left a woman dead. To working desperately to stop a deportation and being part of a team that was in contact with Senators. To the front page of the Sunday New York Times above the fold.

I also lost. I lost my grandpa. I lost George. I did a funeral for a three month old. We lost the election. We lost Maribel. I lost so much faith that I had in people. I made a lot of mistakes too. I hope I learned from most of them, but I’m sure I have many to repeat and many more to make. I hurt a lot of people by the mistakes that I made. Some very deeply. I can’t undo that, but I can try to be better moving forward.

But I also gained a lot too. I gained a clergy group, especially the Clarys. I gained so much life and so much feeding my soul in JustLOVE with Miriam and David and Daniel. I gained a Spiritual Director. I gained monthly dinners with the Bairds.

I gained so many new friends that 10 years ago, I didn’t even know they existed.

I got to marry some of my very best friends. I got to be in some of my other best friends’ weddings. I saw my friends and family welcome beautiful new life into this world. I saw love in new and amazing ways.

I found new music that stirred me. I followed old artists and I got to see many, old and new, in concert. I followed some of my favorite TV shows until they ended, and came to love new ones that were being created. Hamilton happened in the last 10 years! Not to me, but I still feel like it’s an important thing to bring up. I started texting. I got a smartphone, and began to tweet and snap and post to Instagram. I worked as a librarian, a telemarketer, a Global Ministries intern, a Human Rights campaigner, a rentals department intern, a ministry intern, a barista, and a pastor. I drove across the country. I never did get to see the Reds of Bengals make it out of the first round of the playoffs, but I did get to come pretty damn close to catching a home run ball at the Home Run Derby. I did a funeral for Santa Claus. I brewed beer and got a tattoo. I baked a lot of pies. I ran a marathon. I ran part of a 200 mile relay over a day and a half. I baptized 10 people. I helped a couple elope. I moved and helped my friends move. I wrote two books (both unpublished). I read over 250 books and built a book wall with Brian’s help. I fell in love with Hemingway. I got to travel back to Chile twice and Honduras once. I had my first drink. I moved and helped other people move. I built some furniture. I solved a Thursday level crossword without looking at the answers. I was in a Superbowl commercial…kind of – it was the segment about local news and a clip they used included one of the marches I participated in. I wrote three op eds that got published and learned to never read the comments. I spent nearly 20 days (total, not consecutively) in silence. I went on clergy retreats and I preached over 200 sermons. I joined an adult kickball team and we made the finals. I joined an adult dodgeball team and we failed to win a single game. I joined an adult volleyball league and we did exactly as well as I did at dodgeball.

Of course so much more happened in those 10 years. Moments and conversations that will impact me forever. The small day-to-day interactions, whether over games or beers or emails or the phone have shaped me into who I am now. I could write a hundred pages for every year and not even come close to capturing what happened, or how it made me feel, how much I cherished the time I got to spend with you. And so, though it is a poor substitute, this reflection will have to do.

A lot happened in 10 years. I’m so glad you were part of it. I love you.