In her words
One year ago
04/30/17 Marriage to Separation
Loneliness
05/01/17 Curiosity Killed the Cat
05/03/17 5/3
The honeymoon phase is definitely over...it is long gone at this point.
Last Thursday Tem and I went to see Infinity War and that Friday we saw Travis' band play at Ace of Cups. During the film Tem and her friend Vanessa kept ogling every male protagonist on the screen. Three hours of my girlfriend drooling over men who aren't me, and don't look anything like me. It was bothersome. It reminded me of the way Holly and Hillary talk openly and blatantly about celebrity men in front of Travis and Jared. I watch uncomfortable as Travis tries to joke about it. I remember thinking to myself I never want to be in that situation watching how uncomfortable it seemed.
Even the way Holly talks about my body or Downing's looks, It's always rubbed me the wrong way, like she doesn't deserve my amazing friend if she doesn't only have eyes for him. My dude is definitely worth that sort of loyalty, the kind of loyalty he expresses.
But there I was uncomfortably joking with them about how much my girlfriend wanted other men. It was Black Panther all over again. I attempted to mask my feelings talking about Zoe Saldana and Danai Gurira but it wasn't as sincere and graphic my eyebrow raises to their detailed fantasies.
I played it off and the night ended. Friday I met up with them at the Goat downtown the two of them were again discussing the cast. I subtly commented in the snap group my displeasure in hopes to stop Tem without being the wet blanket...it didn't work. Eventually it came to an "ok lets not talk about this"
Christopher arrived at the Goat and brought a woman with him so the focus changed to them. After we left we met up with Travis and his band we discussed the new movie as a group before heading out the patio to sit before the show. Here the two of them continued to talk about them and my insecurity could handle no more I stood up to walk back in the bar while they finished their fantasies. It reminded me of tweets I'd seen between her and her husband about celebrities they would fuck. I never want that conversation with the woman I'm dating and hoping to be her only sexual partner. I felt ignored and hurt...the rest of the night went exactly as you'd expect I shut down and we silently watched the band. Once we arrived at her apartment the sexual drive that had been marinating between us all day has vanished from my end. Insulted and sexually uninterested I decided to walk home and sleep alone. A much better choice than either attempting sex while wondering who she was thinking about during, or refusing her sex, and sleeping next to her frustrating her even more.
We threw violent texts back and forth my whole walk home, up the stairs, and into my bed.
The next morning I woke up and she wanted to talk. I assumed she had finally had enough of my insecurities and inability to provide her the attention she requires she was preparing to tell me she was done with me. Instead she apologized to me...first thing. I was shocked and grateful. We sat down together and she asked me about a few more of my insecurities. I confessed them to her, we parted ways, I went home to be alone, she went to brunch with her friends and half marathon people apparently.
The honeymoon phase is definitely over...it is long gone at this point.
We have arrived at the point in a relationship where each other's every move impacts the well being of the other. Before when she was a woman I knew she could talk about any man she wanted and it didn't matter to me at all but now she's a big source of my self confidence...I've let her in to the point that her eyes on another man no matter real or fictional impacts my confidence. Before when I was just a man she new every day, hour, or minute that passed without a text was inconsequential to her. I was just a man living his own life going and doing whatever I pleased. But now she's let me in to the point that my silence isn't viewed as neutral or impartial but rather it is viewed as neglect and apathetic towards her. No communication means I'm not thinking about her and thus I don't care about her.
It's strange how we send these signals and how we interpret them.
I send the signal I like you with the girlfriend title, spending every night together, and spending all my free time with her. These are very important things in my life that I have given up, freely, and willingly to show her I care. But her interpretation of my messages my expressions and signals is that of mundane bare minimum expectations. These grand gestures from one side seem like the status quo to the other.
She says things that seem harmless fun to her friend as a way to connect and bond and I interpret them as attacks on my appearance and my value to her.
This stuff isn't easy. I know Tem and I have talked multiple times prior to dating about how we don't understand why people would stay together if it isn't constant honeymoon and fireworks... but maybe by the pure nature of broken people opening themselves up to broken people that sort of relationship can't exist. Offering our insecurities to another person will always fill us with fear. Fear that we are in it more than the other, fear that the other doesn't want us, fear that we are going to lose the person we care about the most. And out of those fears come fights, anger, insecurity masked as vexation.
The only way to find that honeymoon firework marathon relationship would be for both people to have perfect trust. To view their partner through a lens that filters every action, every word as kind and not maliciously intended to harm them. To offer their partner the benefit of the doubt with trust and kindness again and again through each and every communication failure.
Knowing that objectifying other men on a screen isn't personally attacking me despite how very real my hurt feelings are to be able to see past myself and trust her.
Knowing that the absence of a text or time frame isn't a personal attack of neglect on her despite how very real her hurt feelings are thinking I am uninterested and unequally invested.
In order for the honeymoon firework marathon to exist both people would have to have their trust still intact. They would have to have not experiences an abusive relationship making you question your sanity and intentions behind every action of your partner. They would have to have not been promised things or offered commitments that were broken again and again by previous relationships.
One experience teaches caution and distrust. The other teachers the same message that words and even actions mean nothing but that everything is conditionally circumstantial.
I guess at this point I don't want the honeymoon firework marathon.
I want something different, something obtainable given our past experiences.
I want something that can experiences honeymoon feelings in the air while still building deep root systems beneath the ground that grip and wrap foundations of trust, forgiveness, and inherent kindness.
Knowing, not hoping, or worrying, but knowing that the other person does everything from a place of kindness and my best interest, and living my life out of that same filter towards her.
And when our insecurities grow like a weed around our roots attempting to sap us of our steady nutrient flow of trust, forgiveness, and kindness we will communicate it honestly and transparently in a safe and caring environment.
Never fighting, or never experiences conflict is not my goal in this relationship, but rather confronting, communicating, and curing the conflicts in a healthy way each time.
But what is the path?
Enneagram Type Three The Achiever
I only want what's real
I set aside the highlight reel
And leave my greatest failures on display with an asterisk
*Worthy of love anyway
Three - Sleeping At Last
One year ago
04/30/17 Marriage to Separation
Loneliness
05/01/17 Curiosity Killed the Cat
05/03/17 5/3
The honeymoon phase is definitely over...it is long gone at this point.
Last Thursday Tem and I went to see Infinity War and that Friday we saw Travis' band play at Ace of Cups. During the film Tem and her friend Vanessa kept ogling every male protagonist on the screen. Three hours of my girlfriend drooling over men who aren't me, and don't look anything like me. It was bothersome. It reminded me of the way Holly and Hillary talk openly and blatantly about celebrity men in front of Travis and Jared. I watch uncomfortable as Travis tries to joke about it. I remember thinking to myself I never want to be in that situation watching how uncomfortable it seemed.
Even the way Holly talks about my body or Downing's looks, It's always rubbed me the wrong way, like she doesn't deserve my amazing friend if she doesn't only have eyes for him. My dude is definitely worth that sort of loyalty, the kind of loyalty he expresses.
But there I was uncomfortably joking with them about how much my girlfriend wanted other men. It was Black Panther all over again. I attempted to mask my feelings talking about Zoe Saldana and Danai Gurira but it wasn't as sincere and graphic my eyebrow raises to their detailed fantasies.
I played it off and the night ended. Friday I met up with them at the Goat downtown the two of them were again discussing the cast. I subtly commented in the snap group my displeasure in hopes to stop Tem without being the wet blanket...it didn't work. Eventually it came to an "ok lets not talk about this"
Christopher arrived at the Goat and brought a woman with him so the focus changed to them. After we left we met up with Travis and his band we discussed the new movie as a group before heading out the patio to sit before the show. Here the two of them continued to talk about them and my insecurity could handle no more I stood up to walk back in the bar while they finished their fantasies. It reminded me of tweets I'd seen between her and her husband about celebrities they would fuck. I never want that conversation with the woman I'm dating and hoping to be her only sexual partner. I felt ignored and hurt...the rest of the night went exactly as you'd expect I shut down and we silently watched the band. Once we arrived at her apartment the sexual drive that had been marinating between us all day has vanished from my end. Insulted and sexually uninterested I decided to walk home and sleep alone. A much better choice than either attempting sex while wondering who she was thinking about during, or refusing her sex, and sleeping next to her frustrating her even more.
We threw violent texts back and forth my whole walk home, up the stairs, and into my bed.
The next morning I woke up and she wanted to talk. I assumed she had finally had enough of my insecurities and inability to provide her the attention she requires she was preparing to tell me she was done with me. Instead she apologized to me...first thing. I was shocked and grateful. We sat down together and she asked me about a few more of my insecurities. I confessed them to her, we parted ways, I went home to be alone, she went to brunch with her friends and half marathon people apparently.
The honeymoon phase is definitely over...it is long gone at this point.
We have arrived at the point in a relationship where each other's every move impacts the well being of the other. Before when she was a woman I knew she could talk about any man she wanted and it didn't matter to me at all but now she's a big source of my self confidence...I've let her in to the point that her eyes on another man no matter real or fictional impacts my confidence. Before when I was just a man she new every day, hour, or minute that passed without a text was inconsequential to her. I was just a man living his own life going and doing whatever I pleased. But now she's let me in to the point that my silence isn't viewed as neutral or impartial but rather it is viewed as neglect and apathetic towards her. No communication means I'm not thinking about her and thus I don't care about her.
It's strange how we send these signals and how we interpret them.
I send the signal I like you with the girlfriend title, spending every night together, and spending all my free time with her. These are very important things in my life that I have given up, freely, and willingly to show her I care. But her interpretation of my messages my expressions and signals is that of mundane bare minimum expectations. These grand gestures from one side seem like the status quo to the other.
She says things that seem harmless fun to her friend as a way to connect and bond and I interpret them as attacks on my appearance and my value to her.
This stuff isn't easy. I know Tem and I have talked multiple times prior to dating about how we don't understand why people would stay together if it isn't constant honeymoon and fireworks... but maybe by the pure nature of broken people opening themselves up to broken people that sort of relationship can't exist. Offering our insecurities to another person will always fill us with fear. Fear that we are in it more than the other, fear that the other doesn't want us, fear that we are going to lose the person we care about the most. And out of those fears come fights, anger, insecurity masked as vexation.
The only way to find that honeymoon firework marathon relationship would be for both people to have perfect trust. To view their partner through a lens that filters every action, every word as kind and not maliciously intended to harm them. To offer their partner the benefit of the doubt with trust and kindness again and again through each and every communication failure.
Knowing that objectifying other men on a screen isn't personally attacking me despite how very real my hurt feelings are to be able to see past myself and trust her.
Knowing that the absence of a text or time frame isn't a personal attack of neglect on her despite how very real her hurt feelings are thinking I am uninterested and unequally invested.
In order for the honeymoon firework marathon to exist both people would have to have their trust still intact. They would have to have not experiences an abusive relationship making you question your sanity and intentions behind every action of your partner. They would have to have not been promised things or offered commitments that were broken again and again by previous relationships.
One experience teaches caution and distrust. The other teachers the same message that words and even actions mean nothing but that everything is conditionally circumstantial.
I guess at this point I don't want the honeymoon firework marathon.
I want something different, something obtainable given our past experiences.
I want something that can experiences honeymoon feelings in the air while still building deep root systems beneath the ground that grip and wrap foundations of trust, forgiveness, and inherent kindness.
Knowing, not hoping, or worrying, but knowing that the other person does everything from a place of kindness and my best interest, and living my life out of that same filter towards her.
And when our insecurities grow like a weed around our roots attempting to sap us of our steady nutrient flow of trust, forgiveness, and kindness we will communicate it honestly and transparently in a safe and caring environment.
Never fighting, or never experiences conflict is not my goal in this relationship, but rather confronting, communicating, and curing the conflicts in a healthy way each time.
But what is the path?
Enneagram Type Three The Achiever
I only want what's real
I set aside the highlight reel
And leave my greatest failures on display with an asterisk
*Worthy of love anyway
Three - Sleeping At Last