Sunday, October 28, 2018

10/28/18

Tem is in Vegas this weekend.

I've been watching this Netflix miniseries 'The Staircase'

I usually don't exactly fall for the crime dramas. The serial season 1 podcast seemed thin and biased, I've heard the same for the show making a murderer. And honestly I thought the same about this series. I saw the blood and of course no one is going to admit they murdered someone.

But then I started thinking what if he actually is innocent. His story goes like this: He and his wife were drinking wine and talking by their pool. She went in to go to bed he stayed by the pool. Later when he went to go to bed he found her in a pile of her own blood by the stairs and called the police.

Whether he murdered his wife or not wouldn't surprise me either way...

But I kept trying to imagine...what if his story is 100% true?

What if I were a 58 year old husband and dad sitting by my own pool near my own home and I went to go to bed and found my wife bloody and dead at the bottom of the stairs? Then all of the sudden I'm stuck in a trial and court dates for two years. I believe there was an estimate in the show mentioning $300,000 for his legal fees. First I lose my wife. Then the world thinks I killed her. Then two years of my life is spent attempting to prove I'm innocent, and it costs me 300k. Then 12 unprofessional strangers look at what two lawyers said about me and make a decision. They give me life in prison with no parole two weeks before I turn 60.

Seven years later when I'm 67 years old the attorney general does an investigation on one of the principal witnesses against me and his investigation research on bloodstain analysis and finds his work awful sloppy and corrupt. Another year goes by and I'm offered a retrial, released from jail on $300,000 bail and placed under house arrest with a tracking anklet. I'm now 68 and I've lost over a half a million dollars.

5 years later I'm 73 years old before the trial was scheduled to start completely over and potentially last another two years my attorney works out a plea deal and I am finally free. Less than a week ago Michael Peterson turned 75.

One day I'm a 58 year old wealthy author sitting by my pool chatting with my wife
In an instant I'm a 75 year old widower and bankrupt.
I missed my grand kids being born, I missed my children's weddings, and I lost my wife.

I'm not saying this guy did or didn't kill his wife...what I am saying is if he didn't this is a sad, sad story.

As I watched episode after episode I noticed one thing, Peterson's family, his brother and his children, were behind him the whole way. They sat in the courtroom through the trial, through the appeal hearings, through it all. They visited him behind thick glass, They supported and shared their lives with him.

Without family, who would be there for him?

Damn I want kids. I want grand kids.

At any moment the police could show up to anyone's door. A hair left on a shirt at a store bought by a murderer, tire treads left on a street later turned crime scene, my dna any number of ways spread all throughout this city...no one is safe and the next thing you know, your freedom is in the hands of some lawyer who may or may not care about the case and 12 strangers pulled off the street.

This is so strange, such a strange world. I wish we had a way of knowing. A 100% true and real lie detector. How many people sit in jail cells this morning completely innocent? How many people sit in their own homes completely guilty?

Bon Iver & St. Vincent - Roslyn

Sunday, October 21, 2018

10/21/18

Tem and I have been dragging through. We've been driving this thing on fumes. We both know how rare this is. We've dated before. We know having something that works this perfectly is probably a once in a lifetime sort of thing. But our tank is low and the lights been on.

The trip has been beautiful and difficult at times but oh so beautiful. I'm not sure I'm ready for it to end. We need to refuel but I don't know how. We took a swing at a counselor but she proved more confused than us. So we press on with cruise control set both leaning over the dash for what's on the horizon.

We need supplies, we need the gear. I think we both know we can put in the work. I think we both know we have the patience and the desire...but the instruction manual isn't in the box.

I can work on my side. But what if it isn't all on my end. I know we both brought our baggage but she hasn't even touched hers, left it under the seat hoping it would unpack itself.

It's been a long year. In some areas we have grown so much grown together, shared many things, learned, and definitely laughed. But in other places the wheels just spin looking like motion but remaining, spinning.

She told me she always cheats, she told me she jumps from one relationship to the next... can she unpack this bag with me on the trip beside her? Or is there where we part is this something she can only do on her own...

What then? End something rare and beautiful losing it forever...or continue to coast on E hoping for a rest station to continue this incredible amazing adventure?

She says we are REALLY different. I think that can be a good thing...is it?

Enneagram Type Seven The Enthusiast
But I want to be here
Truly. Be. Here
To watch the ones that I love bloom
And I want to make room
To love them through and through and through
And through the slow and barren seasons too

Sleeping At Last - Seven

Sunday, October 14, 2018

10/14/18

Last week Tem and I scheduled our trip to Peru.

another one off the list we made back in January

Iceland ✓
New Zealand
Peru ✓
Australia
Tanzania
St. Petersburg
Mumbai
Ghana
Calgary
Tokoyo
Brazil
Danxia landform
Croatia
Greece
Morocco
Thailand
French Polynesia
Mexico
Canada
Costa Rica

If we went to two a year we would finish our list in 2027 and I'd turn 40 before the last trip over winter break.

She's scheduled to be out of town every weekend in October. She wants to give me space to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

Tem is so great. I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over about her but I think I still don't realize how rare and incredible she is. I'm trying to sort out my life and she isn't mad, she offers space. We have an issue we talk about it respectfully. I don't know what else I want. She's beautiful, she's fun, She's willing to do whatever I want whether that be camping in Iceland or watching the Wire.

Kavanaugh was confirmed by the Senate to the Supreme court last week. I remember telling Brian while we were in Chicago in December all politicians are the same. They all say whatever to get votes and once in office they talk a lot and don't impact my life. Thanks to that conversation with Brian (and Tem later) I was able to see how privileged and dangerous that viewpoint is. And now with Trump in office putting people like Kavanaugh on the supreme court bench until he dies I see how dangerous that view is.

It's easy to understand why half the country doesn't vote. What does it matter? Both candidates suck at any level of public office and it's just one vote. So half of our country stays silent.

And in that silence sexual abusers now have the power to overturn Roe v Wade, to overturn marriage equality, to overturn any supreme court ruling from the past.

Again none of this stuff would impact my life in anyway but I can't imagine how scary this must seem to people who's lives it does impact, women and the gay community.

America

we talk of freedom like we know what it is and we have the corner market on freedom.
Live and let live
You're welcome to do and live however you feel.

Your personal liberty to swing your arm ends where my nose begins.

I love this quote and I believe in it deeply. Your personal freedom to have an abortion in no way affects where my nose begins so in the land of the free you should be allowed to do what you please with your body. Your personal freedom to marry a consenting adult of any gender in no way affects where my nose begins so again live free. Your personal freedom to smoke whatever you'd like in no way affects my nose so again do as you please. Drinking in public does not affect me so again do as you please.

If at anytime any of these freedoms encroaches upon another's individual freedom we have a police force in this nation that is sworn to protect and serve if anyone becomes violent while under the influence or not...there will be consequences but by no means should the population of the whole be prohibited to live freely because of the irresponsibility of the few.

The direction this country is heading (backwards) is scary.
I keep hearing about this "blue wave" that is suppose to restore the balance in our two party system republic...but after November of 2016 I have little hope for such a thing. I think America is showing it's true colors and I think it saddens me and worries me.

But you better believe come this election day or any other I will blindly and earnestly vote blue not for the betterment of myself but for those who's freedoms might be stripped of them.

The supreme court already ruled a few years ago the Voting Rights Act of 1965 is no longer relevant...

HAEVN - The Sea

Sunday, October 7, 2018

10/07/18

Tem and I have been to two counseling sessions.

We never fight.
We are around each other all the time.
Things should be perfect.
But something is wrong
something is off
it's me

I don't know what it is, but it's on my end.
I think back to all my previous autumns.

2017 Tem and I started seeing each other
2016 June Kelly Moved to Colorado
2015 September Kelly and I broke up
2014 Year of the beard
2013 October Kelly and I broke up
2012 August Kelly and I broke up
2011 October Whitney and I broke up

The past seven Autumns 4 of them my relationships ended. One of them I spent soul searching because the past three years I had ended relationships in the fall only to have the following year continue the pattern.

Am I built for a long term relationship?
My parents sleeping in different rooms
my brother following suit
and myself trying to break the cycle
...trying
I'm going to be 31 in less than two months
While struggling with this relationship stuff all through my 20s I really assumed I'd get my shit together

I'm about to start my second year in my 30s and this feeling this urge to run is beginning to grow.

Let's say I do, let's say I end this and run...then what?
What do I want? What would I be looking for?

Tem checks every box I could possibly want checked...and some I didn't know I wanted checked.

Have I forgotten the tinder years of 2016 and 2017? The terrible dates, the intimacy lacking sex, the shallow conversations

Tem is what I've been looking for. She is everything I want.
And the best part about it is she likes me too.

Why is this happening?
I love Tem
I want to travel the world with her
I want to raise children with her
But recently all I can think about is wanting space...
and I'm ashamed to admit that
and I don't want to want that

Tem and I are so good together I don't even think we realize how good we are together.
I think it's so natural and so simple that we don't even see or appreciate how rare what we have is.

Meanwhile as I am struggling through my shit Tem keeps promising herself she will not be sad in a relationship again.

As I sit with her talking about my confused immature ass, tears roll down her face as she professes her mantra, "I will not be sad in a relationship again"

Is it selfish to try and sort this out?
How do I go back to October 2017 feels?
Is she sad with me?

How do we meet each other's needs while at the same time making sure our own needs are being met?

What the hell are my needs?

Do I really want what I've always thought I wanted?
Do I want kids?
Do I want a long term relationship?
What do I even know about either of these things?
What do I know about what it takes to have these things?

Ray LaMontagne - Such A Simple Thing