Tem and I have been to two counseling sessions.
We never fight.
We are around each other all the time.
Things should be perfect.
But something is wrong
something is off
it's me
I don't know what it is, but it's on my end.
I think back to all my previous autumns.
2017 Tem and I started seeing each other
2016 June Kelly Moved to Colorado
2015 September Kelly and I broke up
2014 Year of the beard
2013 October Kelly and I broke up
2012 August Kelly and I broke up
2011 October Whitney and I broke up
The past seven Autumns 4 of them my relationships ended. One of them I spent soul searching because the past three years I had ended relationships in the fall only to have the following year continue the pattern.
Am I built for a long term relationship?
My parents sleeping in different rooms
my brother following suit
and myself trying to break the cycle
...trying
I'm going to be 31 in less than two months
While struggling with this relationship stuff all through my 20s I really assumed I'd get my shit together
I'm about to start my second year in my 30s and this feeling this urge to run is beginning to grow.
Let's say I do, let's say I end this and run...then what?
What do I want? What would I be looking for?
Tem checks every box I could possibly want checked...and some I didn't know I wanted checked.
Have I forgotten the tinder years of 2016 and 2017? The terrible dates, the intimacy lacking sex, the shallow conversations
Tem is what I've been looking for. She is everything I want.
And the best part about it is she likes me too.
Why is this happening?
I love Tem
I want to travel the world with her
I want to raise children with her
But recently all I can think about is wanting space...
and I'm ashamed to admit that
and I don't want to want that
Tem and I are so good together I don't even think we realize how good we are together.
I think it's so natural and so simple that we don't even see or appreciate how rare what we have is.
Meanwhile as I am struggling through my shit Tem keeps promising herself she will not be sad in a relationship again.
As I sit with her talking about my confused immature ass, tears roll down her face as she professes her mantra, "I will not be sad in a relationship again"
Is it selfish to try and sort this out?
How do I go back to October 2017 feels?
Is she sad with me?
How do we meet each other's needs while at the same time making sure our own needs are being met?
What the hell are my needs?
Do I really want what I've always thought I wanted?
Do I want kids?
Do I want a long term relationship?
What do I even know about either of these things?
What do I know about what it takes to have these things?
Ray LaMontagne - Such A Simple Thing
We never fight.
We are around each other all the time.
Things should be perfect.
But something is wrong
something is off
it's me
I don't know what it is, but it's on my end.
I think back to all my previous autumns.
2017 Tem and I started seeing each other
2016 June Kelly Moved to Colorado
2015 September Kelly and I broke up
2014 Year of the beard
2013 October Kelly and I broke up
2012 August Kelly and I broke up
2011 October Whitney and I broke up
The past seven Autumns 4 of them my relationships ended. One of them I spent soul searching because the past three years I had ended relationships in the fall only to have the following year continue the pattern.
Am I built for a long term relationship?
My parents sleeping in different rooms
my brother following suit
and myself trying to break the cycle
...trying
I'm going to be 31 in less than two months
While struggling with this relationship stuff all through my 20s I really assumed I'd get my shit together
I'm about to start my second year in my 30s and this feeling this urge to run is beginning to grow.
Let's say I do, let's say I end this and run...then what?
What do I want? What would I be looking for?
Tem checks every box I could possibly want checked...and some I didn't know I wanted checked.
Have I forgotten the tinder years of 2016 and 2017? The terrible dates, the intimacy lacking sex, the shallow conversations
Tem is what I've been looking for. She is everything I want.
And the best part about it is she likes me too.
Why is this happening?
I love Tem
I want to travel the world with her
I want to raise children with her
But recently all I can think about is wanting space...
and I'm ashamed to admit that
and I don't want to want that
Tem and I are so good together I don't even think we realize how good we are together.
I think it's so natural and so simple that we don't even see or appreciate how rare what we have is.
Meanwhile as I am struggling through my shit Tem keeps promising herself she will not be sad in a relationship again.
As I sit with her talking about my confused immature ass, tears roll down her face as she professes her mantra, "I will not be sad in a relationship again"
Is it selfish to try and sort this out?
How do I go back to October 2017 feels?
Is she sad with me?
How do we meet each other's needs while at the same time making sure our own needs are being met?
What the hell are my needs?
Do I really want what I've always thought I wanted?
Do I want kids?
Do I want a long term relationship?
What do I even know about either of these things?
What do I know about what it takes to have these things?
Ray LaMontagne - Such A Simple Thing