04/14/19

Six weeks of school left to wrap up my second year teaching

Sankofa was Friday night
My third year attending
I went alone

I have my first counseling session scheduled for April 22nd (Earth Day) The day before I fly out to see Brian.

Last year I was so excited for my first summer off. I remember all the adventures and plans.
This year I'm counting the days hoping summer won't come.
I don't want my summer vacation without Tem.

I enjoy my couple weeks in June to myself, but I lost all interest to visit India without her, or Kilimanjaro. I don't know what I'm going to do with all of this time off now.

I want to travel and make memories with Tem

poolside, patios, parks, and everything else summer does best.
I want my summer with Tem
I want every summer with Tem

I don't know what else to say

I spend my weeknights playing Fortnite with Bobo, Brian, and the Finemans.
I spend my weekends as a fresh Columbus Crew fan.
Alan is still on sabbatical and I miss him.
I don't want to tell him about Tem and I because I already know he'll tell me I'm dumb

I remember the phone calls and walks we'd take talking about women. He was the friend I talked about Tem with very early on. The perfect woman, but she's married.

Maybe I'll spend July in Cincinnati.

I miss Tem.

Picture This - Saviour

04/07/19

The zombie walk
the blank distant stare
the pit in the gut
the hunger but no appetite

She's gone.
She says she loves me but she uses that word with her ex husband.
She says she'd want to try again down the road
but my heart knows how that goes
How time, like a forest fire, has a way of leaving nothing behind.
She's gone.

That exhausted feeling yet sleep won't come
That sense of simplicity mixed with those cold cubes of reality

She attempts to soften the blows with layers of pillowed, 'I'm sorrys', and cushioned, 'I'd want you, you're not ready.' But in this the hazy unconscious twirl of the room as my limp body heads towards the floor of the ring before the bell I find no comfort in these hollow well intentioned scripts.

The ref kneeling beside me, down for the count, I muster one last ask, she throws another etched into my heart nestled between scares left before:

"Okay, well I want someone that can commit to me. And that's not you. So then I guess I don't want you"

"I don't want you"

It's difficult to write a pause. It's hard to capture this moment in writing. Sitting here my stomach, a knot my eyes, a burning mess.

My mind so proud of how I was able to commit. So proud that I stayed all those months. I was able to overcome the fear the anxiety and stay with the woman I love knowing that despite my self destructive best efforts I want this and I will hold on. Moving in with her, a closeness and an intimacy never before attempted or even with any serious consideration before.

But what a tiny offering for a woman who's had a man vow his life to her before. What tiny scraps all of my efforts much have been to her.

"And that's not you"

She doesn't want me.
I need to let this go.
She was kind enough to put up the act, that this will be some great loss to her. Her generous texts tossing those heavy words of 'love' and 'open to us'
But the fact is the Adam she wants doesn't exist. She won't love the broken man until he's patched and she won't waste time waiting for such a lost cause. So the app is downloaded and just like that, dipping in the water basin she washes her hands of me.

But those seemingly worthless efforts to her are sparks of hope within me. Through this brokenness there is hope I will find the strength to stay, to commit, to fight those demons the voices that focus on the bad, that take each fight, each miscommunication and declare it the only inevitable future.

I miss her so much
everything from her laugh to her reality TV addiction.
I hope she makes it on Big Brother
This sucks

I want to be a husband, I wanted to be hers, and I want to be a fucking great one.
And I will for someone who wants me.

But for now I remain
The zombie walk
the blank distant stare
the pit in the gut
the hunger but no appetite
exhausted feeling yet sleep won't come

Letting go,

She's gone.
"I don't want you"
and the pit in my stomach grows

I've ran away for miles
It's gettin' hard for me to breathe
'Cause the man that I've been runnin' from is inside of me
I tell him keep it quiet
So hardly does he speak
'Cause he wants to keep his distance
But it's hard for him to leave
He knows I hear him cryin'
Cryin' out for help
I don't know how to save him
I can't even save myself
There's many people dyin'
I've always been afraid
Not that I'm scared of livin'
I'm scared of feeling pain

Khalid - Self