Here we are again,
its funny how calloused I am this time around.
It hurts. No denying it hurts.
With loss pain always accompanies.
The thought "I fucked up" enters my mind often.
It's interesting to think but I assume humans are the only organisms on the planet that feel regret.
Every morning I wake up and as I pour my morning coffee I pour water on my new plant.
“How will the dead be raised? What kind of bodies will they have?” What a foolish question! When you put a seed into the ground, it doesn't grow into a plant unless it dies first. And what you put in the ground is not the plant that will grow, but only a bare seed of wheat or whatever you are planting. Then God gives it the new body he wants it to have. A different plant grows from each kind of seed. Similarly there are different kinds of flesh—one kind for humans, another for animals, another for birds, and another for fish.
1 Corinthians 15
I got the plant during her teaching at the pantry. The irony would be funny if it didn't sting so much.
She told us all to think of a regret, think of a failure in our lives, think of that thing as you plant your seeds. Then as the new plant sprouts up know that Jesus has redeemed that part of your life. Know that He makes all things beautiful.
At the time I can't remember what I thought of as I pushed the seeds in the soil with my thumb but today, everyday I remember a regret I have and seeing those several tiny green clovers pushing out of the dirt and leaning towards the window, it doesn't help at all. It only makes me miss her more.
This weekend my roommates and I went to a pumpkin patch to try to take my mind off of stuff. As we hopped in my car Travis had some CDs he wanted to play for the drive. As I went to place my CD back in the counsel I opened the compartment and saw it...a folded brown napkin with red writing
"To: Adam"
of course I recognized the handwriting and besides we use to always hind notes to each other when we were together. I sat there for a bit, Travis noticed what was happening, he closed the compartment turned up his music and I tried to move past it. Yesterday morning I read the note:
To:Adam
hey,
I think you're cool.
Love,
Biscuit
Love Biscuit?...Love? was this a command, request or written with? Love Biscuit...
I thought about the note throughout the day. I got to the pantry and sat down with a cup of coffee and talked with some of my friends. Mainly about the usual stuff, sports.
Bea didn't show up. Of course not, she said she wasn't going to anymore but part of me really wanted her to.
It sucked
Her roommate showed up...I think it sucked even more knowing that it wasn't because she didn't have a ride or forgot... she just doesn't go anymore. Her roommate is even starting to laugh a bit like her. It sucked.
During the prayer circle after Pictionary one man said something that stuck with me.
He was praying a prayer of thanksgiving for the woman he is with. He said I want to thank you God for her sticking with me through incarceration, through the court hearings, through the lawyers, through all of it and for giving me a second chance at my life.
I started to think about that note, Love Biscuit. I started to wonder how many women would stick with their boyfriends and wait for them while they served jail time.
I wonder if Bea would do that for me?
Or would her friends tell her I'm not a good influence or that it isn't a "healthy" relationship?
Looking at this homeless couple standing beside each other holding hands during this prayer circle I kept wondering, Who is the unhealthy one here?
I am a "leader" at the pantry but standing across from me are two people who can make a relationship work through far worse things then I am capable. So who is the leader? who is the healthy one?
I claim to know about love, commitment, I preach working through things and how love is unconditional and here I am, I can't even keep the woman that I...I don't know, have VERY strong feelings for maybe even love...probably actually, with me when I'm not doing time!
I want that. I want a woman who will wait for me in jail. I want to know what that sort of commitment feels like.
I can make a woman laugh harder than she's ever laughed before. I remember Bea couldn't hardly breath when we would hang out. I could say the right thing, or do something, I could always make her laugh so hard no sound would come out. She would be frozen mouth open head forward, eyes closed as she tried to breath from the laughter.
But with that comes the other side of the coin. I can make a woman cry harder than she's ever cried before. I can shut down my emotions, I can become the coldest more distant person. Floating in outer space as she begs me to listen, begs me to understand her feelings.
people only ever seem to remember the worst times.
I'm broken,
hurt people hurt people
I miss her a lot.
Only know you love her when you let her go...
And you let her go
Love,
Adam
Sigur Rós - Varúð
its funny how calloused I am this time around.
It hurts. No denying it hurts.
With loss pain always accompanies.
The thought "I fucked up" enters my mind often.
It's interesting to think but I assume humans are the only organisms on the planet that feel regret.
Every morning I wake up and as I pour my morning coffee I pour water on my new plant.
“How will the dead be raised? What kind of bodies will they have?” What a foolish question! When you put a seed into the ground, it doesn't grow into a plant unless it dies first. And what you put in the ground is not the plant that will grow, but only a bare seed of wheat or whatever you are planting. Then God gives it the new body he wants it to have. A different plant grows from each kind of seed. Similarly there are different kinds of flesh—one kind for humans, another for animals, another for birds, and another for fish.
1 Corinthians 15
I got the plant during her teaching at the pantry. The irony would be funny if it didn't sting so much.
She told us all to think of a regret, think of a failure in our lives, think of that thing as you plant your seeds. Then as the new plant sprouts up know that Jesus has redeemed that part of your life. Know that He makes all things beautiful.
At the time I can't remember what I thought of as I pushed the seeds in the soil with my thumb but today, everyday I remember a regret I have and seeing those several tiny green clovers pushing out of the dirt and leaning towards the window, it doesn't help at all. It only makes me miss her more.
This weekend my roommates and I went to a pumpkin patch to try to take my mind off of stuff. As we hopped in my car Travis had some CDs he wanted to play for the drive. As I went to place my CD back in the counsel I opened the compartment and saw it...a folded brown napkin with red writing
"To: Adam"
of course I recognized the handwriting and besides we use to always hind notes to each other when we were together. I sat there for a bit, Travis noticed what was happening, he closed the compartment turned up his music and I tried to move past it. Yesterday morning I read the note:
To:Adam
hey,
I think you're cool.
Love,
Biscuit
Love Biscuit?...Love? was this a command, request or written with? Love Biscuit...
I thought about the note throughout the day. I got to the pantry and sat down with a cup of coffee and talked with some of my friends. Mainly about the usual stuff, sports.
Bea didn't show up. Of course not, she said she wasn't going to anymore but part of me really wanted her to.
It sucked
Her roommate showed up...I think it sucked even more knowing that it wasn't because she didn't have a ride or forgot... she just doesn't go anymore. Her roommate is even starting to laugh a bit like her. It sucked.
During the prayer circle after Pictionary one man said something that stuck with me.
He was praying a prayer of thanksgiving for the woman he is with. He said I want to thank you God for her sticking with me through incarceration, through the court hearings, through the lawyers, through all of it and for giving me a second chance at my life.
I started to think about that note, Love Biscuit. I started to wonder how many women would stick with their boyfriends and wait for them while they served jail time.
I wonder if Bea would do that for me?
Or would her friends tell her I'm not a good influence or that it isn't a "healthy" relationship?
Looking at this homeless couple standing beside each other holding hands during this prayer circle I kept wondering, Who is the unhealthy one here?
I am a "leader" at the pantry but standing across from me are two people who can make a relationship work through far worse things then I am capable. So who is the leader? who is the healthy one?
I claim to know about love, commitment, I preach working through things and how love is unconditional and here I am, I can't even keep the woman that I...I don't know, have VERY strong feelings for maybe even love...probably actually, with me when I'm not doing time!
I want that. I want a woman who will wait for me in jail. I want to know what that sort of commitment feels like.
I can make a woman laugh harder than she's ever laughed before. I remember Bea couldn't hardly breath when we would hang out. I could say the right thing, or do something, I could always make her laugh so hard no sound would come out. She would be frozen mouth open head forward, eyes closed as she tried to breath from the laughter.
But with that comes the other side of the coin. I can make a woman cry harder than she's ever cried before. I can shut down my emotions, I can become the coldest more distant person. Floating in outer space as she begs me to listen, begs me to understand her feelings.
people only ever seem to remember the worst times.
I'm broken,
hurt people hurt people
I miss her a lot.
Only know you love her when you let her go...
And you let her go
Love,
Adam
Sigur Rós - Varúð