I love Bea.
I know that now. But I'm not sure what to do with this.
"Adam," she would faintly whisper as she lay beside me tucked under my arms half asleep.
"Do you like me?"
"Yes Bea, I like you very much."
I met with Toni Saturday and as we talked I realized how impossible it was for us to stay together in our current conditions.
She would always ask me if I just liked the chase and not the relationship. But I always knew I wanted to be with her and committed to her badly. When we would get to that point she thought I had just stopped pursuing and turned lazy but after talking with Toni I see what happened.
the chase is safe for me. The chase means she isn't too close and so I am safe. Once we got into a relationship suddenly she was so close to my mask she was on the verge of looking behind it.
Toni told me that humans can't feel both insecure and angry at the same time. She would get too close and instead of being vulnerable instead of trusting her I would put up the wall and shut down into an angry emotionless being.
Mondays are the worst.
They use to be the highlight of my week and now they hurt the most.
I miss her very much.
In the most fucked up of ways me turning into a distant, cold, angry boyfriend was a sign and a way to tell Bea, I love you. I just didn't know what was going on within myself.
Once you admit to loving someone the risk of failure swells up and along with risk comes insecurity and an easy way to not feel insecure is to get angry and make insecurity impossible.
But once I completely destroy the relationship all that is left is the reality of my true feelings and regret the size of Alaska.
Its been 24 days since we broke up and each day seems to get harder than the last.
It's strange to think all I want to do is drive over to her house throw rocks at her window and tell her I love her but the irony of the situation is that I am still this same broken scared man I was 3 weeks ago. After enough time I would again turn to stone.
So I have nothing I can do. I am completely powerless to the situation. I am at the mercy of her mercy. Once God heals me of this situation and I am healthy enough for an intimate relationship and the risks that are involved I wonder if she'll even be willing to attempt it again.
I miss holding her.
I texted Toni yesterday during work because it got so bad I almost broke down in front of the class. I had to get to the bathroom and pull it together.
"Hey Toni I'm really struggling. I miss Kelly a lot. I'm trying here but I'm not great at waiting. Sorry for bothering you but it seems like this is getting harder rather than easier. I miss her a lot.
I can't imagine how much you miss her. She was a huge comfort through your fear kept you from fully grasping that at the time. Let God be that comforter Adam. That will take the fear away in the future. He loves you more specially than Kelly ever could. I believe in you Adam.
Just promise me to let me know if it gets unhealthy for me to hope for reconciliation.
Will try to help you in that process and let God tell you :)"
I think the problem is I have serious doubts about God being the comforter. God in my heart of hearts if I am being honest and in these letters why the hell not, I don't think You are a great comforter. Can You help me out with that?
I love Bea, I know I am at Your mercy right now God with this situation. I ask God that You would comfort me and let me know that this thing is going to be alright.
Seth Avett - Save Part Of Yourself
I know that now. But I'm not sure what to do with this.
"Adam," she would faintly whisper as she lay beside me tucked under my arms half asleep.
"Do you like me?"
"Yes Bea, I like you very much."
I met with Toni Saturday and as we talked I realized how impossible it was for us to stay together in our current conditions.
She would always ask me if I just liked the chase and not the relationship. But I always knew I wanted to be with her and committed to her badly. When we would get to that point she thought I had just stopped pursuing and turned lazy but after talking with Toni I see what happened.
the chase is safe for me. The chase means she isn't too close and so I am safe. Once we got into a relationship suddenly she was so close to my mask she was on the verge of looking behind it.
Toni told me that humans can't feel both insecure and angry at the same time. She would get too close and instead of being vulnerable instead of trusting her I would put up the wall and shut down into an angry emotionless being.
Mondays are the worst.
They use to be the highlight of my week and now they hurt the most.
I miss her very much.
In the most fucked up of ways me turning into a distant, cold, angry boyfriend was a sign and a way to tell Bea, I love you. I just didn't know what was going on within myself.
Once you admit to loving someone the risk of failure swells up and along with risk comes insecurity and an easy way to not feel insecure is to get angry and make insecurity impossible.
But once I completely destroy the relationship all that is left is the reality of my true feelings and regret the size of Alaska.
Its been 24 days since we broke up and each day seems to get harder than the last.
It's strange to think all I want to do is drive over to her house throw rocks at her window and tell her I love her but the irony of the situation is that I am still this same broken scared man I was 3 weeks ago. After enough time I would again turn to stone.
So I have nothing I can do. I am completely powerless to the situation. I am at the mercy of her mercy. Once God heals me of this situation and I am healthy enough for an intimate relationship and the risks that are involved I wonder if she'll even be willing to attempt it again.
I miss holding her.
I texted Toni yesterday during work because it got so bad I almost broke down in front of the class. I had to get to the bathroom and pull it together.
"Hey Toni I'm really struggling. I miss Kelly a lot. I'm trying here but I'm not great at waiting. Sorry for bothering you but it seems like this is getting harder rather than easier. I miss her a lot.
I can't imagine how much you miss her. She was a huge comfort through your fear kept you from fully grasping that at the time. Let God be that comforter Adam. That will take the fear away in the future. He loves you more specially than Kelly ever could. I believe in you Adam.
Just promise me to let me know if it gets unhealthy for me to hope for reconciliation.
Will try to help you in that process and let God tell you :)"
I think the problem is I have serious doubts about God being the comforter. God in my heart of hearts if I am being honest and in these letters why the hell not, I don't think You are a great comforter. Can You help me out with that?
I love Bea, I know I am at Your mercy right now God with this situation. I ask God that You would comfort me and let me know that this thing is going to be alright.
Seth Avett - Save Part Of Yourself