With her I felt
Whole, without her there is a
_hole that needs filled
Our hearts grow further and further apart with each sunset. I desire to hear her talk about 5Star. I wish she wanted to tell me how You've been using her in BeYOUtiful. But with each day she becomes a different woman, and I a different man.
Your inadequacy presents you with a continual choice - deep dependence on [God], or despair. The emptiness you feel within will be filled either with problems or with [His] Presence.
-Sarah Young
My inadequacy stares me in the face every time I look in the mirror. She always said she needed a man who could lead her. John Eldredge states at the heart of every man is one basic question: "Do I have what it takes?" Through her actions she screamed in my face at the top of her lungs "NO, Adam you do not have what it takes!" She saw a weak man who could never provide what she needs. She left out of fear, doubt, and her own brokenness.
But when the one person I wanted to be everything to wanted me to be nothing You were there. You stood over me looking down at my shame, my failure, my inadequacy, and You reached out Your glorious hand. Your hand that created and holds the world. You reached towards me and You said "I want you. I want you so desperately. My love for you is relentless as the waves of the ocean crushing you. Adam, you have what it takes." and I reply:
I waited patiently for the LORD to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the LORD.
She created this emptiness when she left. I am faced with the continual choice to fill it with despair or You. My choice is made. I choose Your presence. Look at how You are using me now. Abba I am overwhelmed by Your love for me. When she saw a man who could never change, never lead her, never have what it takes You pursued me. You lifted me out of the pit and set my feet on solid ground.
"The stone that the builders rejected
has now become the cornerstone.
This is the LORD’s doing,
and it is wonderful to see."
-Psalm 118:22-23
Your upside down Kingdom is so glorious to me. I'm no cornerstone and I know this psalm was a prophecy about You but it reveals a piece of Your heart. Heaven will be filled with pour, powerless, weak failures and it is beautiful. I can barely stand the weight of Your love. I can do nothing but drop to my knees due to the magnitude of Your love falling on me. Jesus I don't know why You keep lifting me up. I am a reject inadequate failure but You still choose to use me. You make this sinner Holy. When she saw a man who doesn't have what it takes to lead her You saw a man who will build leaders.
Halleluja - Jeff Anderson
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah