It requires more...to rejoice with them that do rejoice than to weep with them that weep. There is none so hardhearted as not to weep over him that is in calamity; but the other requires a very noble soul, so as not only to keep from envying, but even to feel pleasure with the person who is in esteem.
-John Chrysostom
Today began what seems to be the beginning of Your season of breaking me more. Today was Blake and Myra's wedding shower. I had to go and joyfully share in my brothers happiness. Jesus, how am I suppose to feel legitimately happy? How do I share in their joy?
If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.
1 Corinthians 12:26
I've got the 'share in each others suffering' part down well. But how do I feel glad when I feel nothing but envy and self pity?
"Oh so you must be engaged too? Blake told me every man in the group is engaged."
"No, I'm the one single guy in the group."
And the humiliation of swallowing the enormous pill of pride tastes awful.
She wears someone else's ring on her left hand everyday. Abba why? Why did You have to have all of the men in my group get engaged? Why did You have her get engaged 85 days after telling me she loves me and me alone? How can I say congratulations to my friends when I feel bitterness and envy towards marriage? How do I joyfully fill out RSVP cards without a +1?
How do I trust when someone tells me they love me? She saw all of me, all of my ugliest stuff and rejected me, all of me. If I can't trust her with all of me can I trust anyone? Am I not suppose to open up all the way to anyone?
Whether I go to an engagement party, a wedding shower, a bachelor party, or a wedding I can't help but think about her experiencing all of these things without me, by her own free will. Why Father? As men ask me to pray for certain bumps in their wedding planning my broken heart crunches a little more as I try to die to myself and selflessly pray for their weddings. Lord I'm not strong enough to handle this. None of them have known their fiancees as long as her and I dated.
Brandon is proposing to his girlfriend this weekend.
Blake had his wedding shower today
Seth is having his bachelor party in April
Austin and Freado talk about how their weddings are on the same weekend in October
My brother asks me to be in his wedding party in September
Jake asks if he and his wife can crash at my house while they have romantic dates in Columbus
At least she's happy. I guess that's what I've always wanted for her. It's selfish of me to want to be the reason for her happiness. Jesus I have You. When all of my friends are married, I have You. When I spend my nights alone, I have You. When I don't have someone to ask how their day went, I have You. When I don't have a hand to hold as I walk in to church, I have You. When I don't have anyone to sit next to, I have You. When I don't have anyone to share a meal with, I have You. Jesus, I can open up to You. I can trust You. Your faithfulness never fails. Please Jesus don't leave me.
His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:7
The Great Forgiver's Praise - Jeff Anderson
Before I even knew You, You were in love with me
You're the only reason this heart could ever sing
And I thank You now my King