05/29/13

When I heard the learn’d astronomer,
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me,
When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them,
When I sitting heard the astronomer where he lectured with much applause in the lecture-room,
How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,
Till rising and gliding out I wander’d off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.
-Walt Whitman

All these psychics and these doctors,
They're all right and they're all wrong,
It’s like trying to make out every word,
When they should simply hum along,
It’s not some message written in the dark,
Or some truth that no one’s seen,
It’s a little bit of everything.
-Dawes

God isn't a fraud behind a curtain pulling levers.
Life is more than figures, chemistry, and solving every question.

Life is meant to be lived, to be enjoyed.

We study why the planets are the way they are
We study why life is the way it is
We study why the bible says what it says

The universe is more than measurements and elements
Life is more than protein strands and cells
God is more than a definition of a translated word

There are things in this existence that cannot be measured or known and nothing is more beautiful than wonder.

How much do you love someone?
Why do you enjoy that painting?
What is the point of your laughter?
Where does your passion come from?

Logic and numbers can kill a man. If invested too deeply one might forget the wonder which binds existence together.

Staring at charts and calculations long enough could make anyone numb, tired, sick, desperate.

I'm not against science or knowledge, just against strife.

Life is about looking up at the stars and simply humming along.

05/25/13

We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living. And since that first breath We'll need grace that we've never given...these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach, but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather...so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship, to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts... pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores so come on and let's wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever we only have what we remember ...I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it but we're making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts we all have the same holes in our hearts... so I've carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea... because our church is made out of shipwrecks from every hull these rocks have claimed but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change.
-Listener, Wooden Heart

I am a man.
I am not an angel.
I am not God.
I am not a demon
I am a man.
I am angry.
I have an active sex drive.
I am stubborn.
I am not the smartest.
I am a liar.
I am afraid.
I have my doubts.
I am hurt.
I am abusive.
I am violent.
I am a failure.
I wear a mask of lies that hold this ship together.

I've carved a wooden heart and put it inside this iron ship to sail these blood red seas and find Your coasts. But I can't find You in this condition. It isn't by wooden hearts and iron skin that we find You. It's only when You pull fist of rotten wood from my heart that You, my savior, reveal my bloody heart of flesh inside this fragile body of skin and bone. I am not alone in this. The church is made from shipwrecks and together we experience Your love when we wash each other with our tears when this life comes to life and our wooden hearts are torn apart with a smash from the potters hand upon the clay.

The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.
-Timothy Keller

I am a sinner.
I am broken.
This is not a cool selfless Christian proclamation. This is not me being humble. This is not me being vulnerable and letting everyone see how holy and transparent I am.
This is me saying I fucking sin.
I fucking sin.

I am a man.

It is by my heart that You faced the cross.
I crucified my Savior.
I put to death my King.
I murdered God.

I can and do fail.
The world sees Adam Schuch as a man of integrity pursuing righteousness. But that isn't who Adam Schuch is. He is a bitter, stubborn, angry, insecure, prideful man. He commits adultery in his heart if not with his hand. He cowers and dodges pain at almost all costs. He ignores the problems and hardships of people when he doesn't feel like helping. But he loves to put on display his "heart for the homeless" He loves to tell people he leads a mens group and works at the food pantry several times a week along with helping a different church with it's homeless outreach. He likes to brag that he is a male preschool teacher breaking the stereotypes of what masculinity is. He loves to put on a show of what an amazing boyfriend he can be but under the facade he is lazy and only seeks self pleasure in relationships. I am Adam Schuch and I am a fucking sinner with a religious self-righteous mask the size of Alaska.

To the world this is the end of my story. Rightfully so. Infact I struggle with accepting any other alternative. But This isn't the end of my story. The creator of the heavens and the earth, the star breathing, elephant making, atom designing, hair counting, ocean pouring, planet slinging God of Israel knows all of this about me. He knows when I hide sins behind my back when I think He isn't looking. He knows when I stereotypically imagine Him as a caucasian male with a blue sash and flowing brown hair. He knows when my heart lusts for desires. He knows everything I've done and He knows all of me. This God this being which I can scarcely comprehend loves and accepts me more than I could ever hope.

I have nowhere to hide and only failures to offer. But God wants me.

Abba, give me understanding.
Teach me what is love.
Show me what is forgiveness.
Jesus wash me in grace.

I am Adam Schuch
I am a man
I am a sinner
I am loved.

Enter the Worship Circle - Beautiful Sound

05/18/13

It's 1993 It's a warm sunny Saturday as I let out a pain filled yell as my body slams the cement driveway pinned under the plastic, rubber, and metal of a training wheel free bike.
"get up" are the only words bellowed from behind.
As I climb back on to try again I can see the white cement speeding under me faster and faster I see my small smooth hairless legs pumping up and down complimentary as the black of the tire stretched around the spokes of my green teenage mutant ninja turtle bike rotate at increasing speed.
"don't look at your feet! what are you doing!?"
SMACK the same result. This time I've learned from my mistake. Failure only leads to pain, weakness, and disapproval.
A second CRASH of metal rubber and cement this time filled with rage and anger as I throw the bike down and vow stubbornly to never ride a bike.
"where are you going?!" thunders from over my shoulder but I don't stop and from that day forward I never looked back.

I had my first session with a new counselor today. As I began to explain my life my relationships came up.
Parents.
Friends.
Her.
Bea.
God
I explained to her that I'd like to live my life to the fullest. I guess that's why I decided to seek out a counselor. If I could be healthier why wouldn't I? If I had the opportunity for a better quality of life and understanding of myself why wouldn't I take it?
I went in open handed to see if I could better understand this person behind my hands.

She picked up on my lack of vulnerability and asked about my anger and stubbornness. My ears perked at the sound of the word "stubborn" How did she know that my friends call doing something stubbornly "pulling an Adam?"

She said, sometimes when children at a very young age go through something traumatic or painful and aren't comforted it can create in that person the idea that it isn't ok to be weak to fail to be vulnerable. It isn't ok to show those things.

As we prayed out of nowhere the Holy Spirit brought this Sunny Saturday afternoon in 1993 to the front of my mind.

It's funny, I would have never thought that that one tiny little instance in my life that one moment where my bike was slammed to the ground in anger could set the course for the rest of my life.

Who is Adam?

Am I defined by my stubborness?
Am I defined by my fear of vulnerability?

Would I be a different being if these things were cast out of me by Christ?
Would I be a new creation?

Would I still be Adam?
Who would I be? and what would happen to the old man?

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him.
-Romans 6

As I bowed my head and asked Jesus to come into that day through redemption through my True Father my song sounds like this:

As I let out a pain filled yell as my body slams the cement driveway pinned under the plastic, rubber, and metal of a training wheel free bike.
The next thing I feel are two arms both removing the bike and scooping me to my feet. My tears are met with a strong shoulder.
The words "It's ok, you're doing great!" come from deep within the chest that I am pressed against.
I climb back on to try again.
And from that day forward I never looked back.

Jesus I pray for healing of my brokenness, my anger, pride, stubbornness.
I pray for forgiveness towards my earthly father through his own wounds and brokenness he didn't know what he was doing.
And I pray that you could make these prayers of my sincere in my heart. I want to mean it.

Greg Laswell - Comes and Goes

05/15/13

Emotions are life's color.

without emotions life wouldn't look anything like it does. Without emotion why should we have children? without emotion why should we get married? without emotion why should we create?

The Western culture is a culture of logic. But logic on it's own is robotic and lifeless.

God is emotional God is love Love is emotional. We must have love in order to have life.

To cut emotion out of politics, out of science, out of learning, out of relationships, out of the workplace is to cut life out of living.

If our lives are our canvases with which we express ourselves then our body is the brush and our emotions are the colors we use to paint.

Emotions aren't weak.
It takes strength and courage to express and display exactly how you feel.

hiding emotions is weak.
Any coward can "suck it up" and show no feeling, no emotion, no life.

Every man dies, not every man really lives
-Braveheart

To really live is to really feel life. Emotions are our sensors for life. It is how we truly come to life.

Jesus is VERY emotional. I would argue none of his decisions or actions came from a place void of emotion.

The Christian, the follower of Christ, isn't called to control emotions and become a robot of dutiful obedience.

Rather the Christian is called to die to himself in order to feel the emotions of both God and neighbor. He is called to action during injustice. Flip tables, rebuke satan, yell at the oppressors, weep at the loss of a friend, and celebrate at the feast of a wedding. These are the acts of Jesus my savior my king. He isn't calling us to death but rather to life and life in the fullest.

Though to the world death to myself may seem suicidal it is the only way to truly live.

Jesus doesn't want us to spend our lives worrying about what we will eat, or wear, or any comforts of this world. He would rather we spend out time worrying about the poor, the widows, the orphans. He would rather we spend out time in seasons of love.

I want you to show love,
not offer sacrifices.
I want you to know me
more than I want burnt offerings.
-Hosea 6

If we do not show emotion in our offerings then it is as worthless as no offering at all. We must have emotion in it for God to receive any of our expressions. It is entirely about the heart and the hand working as one being. All of our heart, soul, strength, and mind.

Listener - Wooden Heart

05/14/13

Last night I heard the sound of tears collecting in her eyes as her voice broke. As I sit there cold and still like an iron statue the only thing I could think of was her.

Is this 2013 or 2006?

Here I am seven years later still the same 17 year old boy.

I finally realized that it had nothing to do with "us" or "her" that the problem wasn't the woman. I am the problem.

On a long enough timeline it doesn't matter who the woman is they will all sound exactly the same.

It has little to do with them and everything to do with being plugged into the system.

Like the Patriots offense, Is it the players that make them great or the system they are all plugged into? When Brady was injured for the 2008 season and Cassel replaced him the answer to the question was answered It's the system.

Unlike Lebron leaving the Cavs or Manning injured for the 2011 Colts season we quickly found out that it was all entirely the player not the system.

What am I suppose to do? How do I fix myself? Why can't I seem to have a healthy relationship that lasts longer than eight months?

Maybe I'm suppose to be single?

Is it pride?
Is it fear?
Is it brokenness?

I'm positive it is all of the above.

So what do I do? Do I work my ass off in counseling spending countless hours and dollars trying to fix myself and drag a woman through it with me just so I can selfishly be happy with someone? Or do I let them go to find a different guy who is healthier and who she can marry in 7 months and live happily ever after with?

It feels selfish to try to work through this stuff. What is my reasoning? Because "I" like her because "I" want to be with her because she makes "me" feel good because she makes "me" laugh

it sounds very selfish. If it really is the system which I now see that it is then it will all end as it began. She'll stick around for 8 or so years being dragged in the mud until she can't take it anymore and marries some other dude.

Is my purpose to show women what not to look for in a husband?

Am I just acting really emo right now? I don't know. What I do know is that I hate it when I make the woman I care about cry and I hate it when I become an emotionless iron statue. Wouldn't then the best thing be for this to end?

Isn't that what she told me? The best way to love me was to "release me to God?" maybe that's the best way to love me for everyone? A constant system of getting to know, then showing wounds then getting scared and finally "release me to God" and repeat.

Beautiful - Matthew Mayfield

05/07/13

the Lord told Isaiah son of Amoz, “Take off the burlap you have been wearing, and remove your sandals.” Isaiah did as he was told and walked around naked and barefoot. Then the Lord said, “My servant Isaiah has been walking around naked and barefoot for the last three years.
-Isaiah 20

I'm thinking about three years of being naked. If I had been naked for the past three years this would have been the last day I wore clothes until now.

Think of all the things that happened in my life since then. I've graduated college. Moved three times. worked three jobs. Its insane to think about. And Isaiah only gets about 2 verses about this span of this life.

If I was called to be naked for three full years by God could I do it? would I do it?
How crazy am I willing to look for Jesus?

Three years ago I was 22. I'm thinking of everyday of my life from 22 to 25...being naked...because God told me to.

What would it look like if I obeyed all of what Jesus said?

Matthew Perryman Jones - Land of the Living

05/04/13

Today is another Sabbath.

On the seventh day God had finished his work of creation, so he rested from all his work. And God blessed the seventh day and declared it holy, because it was the day when he rested from all his work of creation.
-Genesis 2

What does it look like for God to work?
What does it look like for God to rest?
How can God rest?
Without God's work we couldn't breathe. It wouldn't rain. We couldn't forgive.

I wonder if You had to rest or if You wanted to. And either way why? You must have wanted to because You do not get tried because I doubt Your energy supply could run out since You are the source of all energy and life.

Sabbath, what an interesting commandment.

The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath
-Mark 2

Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day is a Sabbath of solemn rest, a holy convocation. You shall do no work. It is a Sabbath to the Lord in all your dwelling places.
-Leviticus 23

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
-Exodus 20

Keep the Sabbath day holy. Don’t pursue your own interests on that day, but enjoy the Sabbath and speak of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day. Honor the Sabbath in everything you do on that day, and don’t follow your own desires or talk idly.
-Isaiah 58

Grace says done.
nature says do.

We are commanded to rest and to not only rest but to enjoy the rest.

You know how we humans are. You know that if You did not command we rest at least once a week that our strife would kill us. That our greed could work us to the bone. And so we are commanded to stop. Commanded to do nothing. Commanded to in no way earn. We are commanded to simply exist.

I Love You Jesus. I love that one of Your commandments is rest. I love that You Yourself rested at the end of the week. I don't understand it but I do delight in it.

Today I will do nothing, just as you command.

Save You - Matthew Perryman Jones

05/01/13

Good Morning Jesus,

I am surprised Dr. Jakyll and Mr. Hyde isn't a biblical story.

The idea of it seems to hold a lot of truth. I want to be this normal peaceful loving person. This "Christian" pursuing Your heart but time and time again I find myself staring at my face in the mirror wondering who is this monster.

It scares me to think about how self destructive I can be. How with a couple simple sentences and a few actions I could completely destroy the reputation of the Dr. Jekyll I want to be.

Of course You aren't fooled by the outside of the cup. You see the hearts of men not the cover ups. I'm sure You know the Mr. Hydes in all of us even the ones who look the most clean.

The potion we all drink to become the monster can vary. I believe mine is my self consciousness. When my comfort is being threatened out he comes. And once Hyde is out he only wants one thing, destruction. There is no pursuit of peace and reconciliation.

We are spiritual beings. We have the opportunity to become greater than angels or less than demons.

God save us all.

Control this person behind my hands Jesus. Make me more like You to the core of my core. I don't want to be a show. I want to be transformed. I don't want to worry if anyone is looking or if anyone will discover me. I want to have the peace. I want to stand in the light with my shoulders back.

I want to know my sanctification only through Your sacrifice.

All Sons & Daughters - Oh How I Need You