It's 1993 It's a warm sunny Saturday as I let out a pain filled yell as my body slams the cement driveway pinned under the plastic, rubber, and metal of a training wheel free bike.
"get up" are the only words bellowed from behind.
As I climb back on to try again I can see the white cement speeding under me faster and faster I see my small smooth hairless legs pumping up and down complimentary as the black of the tire stretched around the spokes of my green teenage mutant ninja turtle bike rotate at increasing speed.
"don't look at your feet! what are you doing!?"
SMACK the same result. This time I've learned from my mistake. Failure only leads to pain, weakness, and disapproval.
A second CRASH of metal rubber and cement this time filled with rage and anger as I throw the bike down and vow stubbornly to never ride a bike.
"where are you going?!" thunders from over my shoulder but I don't stop and from that day forward I never looked back.
I had my first session with a new counselor today. As I began to explain my life my relationships came up.
Parents.
Friends.
Her.
Bea.
God
I explained to her that I'd like to live my life to the fullest. I guess that's why I decided to seek out a counselor. If I could be healthier why wouldn't I? If I had the opportunity for a better quality of life and understanding of myself why wouldn't I take it?
I went in open handed to see if I could better understand this person behind my hands.
She picked up on my lack of vulnerability and asked about my anger and stubbornness. My ears perked at the sound of the word "stubborn" How did she know that my friends call doing something stubbornly "pulling an Adam?"
She said, sometimes when children at a very young age go through something traumatic or painful and aren't comforted it can create in that person the idea that it isn't ok to be weak to fail to be vulnerable. It isn't ok to show those things.
As we prayed out of nowhere the Holy Spirit brought this Sunny Saturday afternoon in 1993 to the front of my mind.
It's funny, I would have never thought that that one tiny little instance in my life that one moment where my bike was slammed to the ground in anger could set the course for the rest of my life.
Who is Adam?
Am I defined by my stubborness?
Am I defined by my fear of vulnerability?
Would I be a different being if these things were cast out of me by Christ?
Would I be a new creation?
Would I still be Adam?
Who would I be? and what would happen to the old man?
For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him.
-Romans 6
As I bowed my head and asked Jesus to come into that day through redemption through my True Father my song sounds like this:
As I let out a pain filled yell as my body slams the cement driveway pinned under the plastic, rubber, and metal of a training wheel free bike.
The next thing I feel are two arms both removing the bike and scooping me to my feet. My tears are met with a strong shoulder.
The words "It's ok, you're doing great!" come from deep within the chest that I am pressed against.
I climb back on to try again.
And from that day forward I never looked back.
Jesus I pray for healing of my brokenness, my anger, pride, stubbornness.
I pray for forgiveness towards my earthly father through his own wounds and brokenness he didn't know what he was doing.
And I pray that you could make these prayers of my sincere in my heart. I want to mean it.
Greg Laswell - Comes and Goes
"get up" are the only words bellowed from behind.
As I climb back on to try again I can see the white cement speeding under me faster and faster I see my small smooth hairless legs pumping up and down complimentary as the black of the tire stretched around the spokes of my green teenage mutant ninja turtle bike rotate at increasing speed.
"don't look at your feet! what are you doing!?"
SMACK the same result. This time I've learned from my mistake. Failure only leads to pain, weakness, and disapproval.
A second CRASH of metal rubber and cement this time filled with rage and anger as I throw the bike down and vow stubbornly to never ride a bike.
"where are you going?!" thunders from over my shoulder but I don't stop and from that day forward I never looked back.
I had my first session with a new counselor today. As I began to explain my life my relationships came up.
Parents.
Friends.
Her.
Bea.
God
I explained to her that I'd like to live my life to the fullest. I guess that's why I decided to seek out a counselor. If I could be healthier why wouldn't I? If I had the opportunity for a better quality of life and understanding of myself why wouldn't I take it?
I went in open handed to see if I could better understand this person behind my hands.
She picked up on my lack of vulnerability and asked about my anger and stubbornness. My ears perked at the sound of the word "stubborn" How did she know that my friends call doing something stubbornly "pulling an Adam?"
She said, sometimes when children at a very young age go through something traumatic or painful and aren't comforted it can create in that person the idea that it isn't ok to be weak to fail to be vulnerable. It isn't ok to show those things.
As we prayed out of nowhere the Holy Spirit brought this Sunny Saturday afternoon in 1993 to the front of my mind.
It's funny, I would have never thought that that one tiny little instance in my life that one moment where my bike was slammed to the ground in anger could set the course for the rest of my life.
Who is Adam?
Am I defined by my stubborness?
Am I defined by my fear of vulnerability?
Would I be a different being if these things were cast out of me by Christ?
Would I be a new creation?
Would I still be Adam?
Who would I be? and what would happen to the old man?
For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him.
-Romans 6
As I bowed my head and asked Jesus to come into that day through redemption through my True Father my song sounds like this:
As I let out a pain filled yell as my body slams the cement driveway pinned under the plastic, rubber, and metal of a training wheel free bike.
The next thing I feel are two arms both removing the bike and scooping me to my feet. My tears are met with a strong shoulder.
The words "It's ok, you're doing great!" come from deep within the chest that I am pressed against.
I climb back on to try again.
And from that day forward I never looked back.
Jesus I pray for healing of my brokenness, my anger, pride, stubbornness.
I pray for forgiveness towards my earthly father through his own wounds and brokenness he didn't know what he was doing.
And I pray that you could make these prayers of my sincere in my heart. I want to mean it.
Greg Laswell - Comes and Goes