10/31/13

I have Sinusitis Bronchitis.

I went to a clinic just before it turned to Pneumonia.

I've been trying to get well spiritually and mentally and now I have to get well physically.

I met with Toni again on Tuesday.

She had me read this book last time we met called "Uprooting Anger" I had no idea what an angry person I am and what a sin it is.

It's never okay to be angry unless it is in no way focused on yourself but rather on God and His law. When I look back on my moments of angry I see all of them are me centered.

I also found that I am not just angry when I do not get desires or my plans don't go my way. I also struggle with self anger.

I have a lot of growing that I need to do in the anger department.

The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18 (NIV)

I think about the way I treated Bea when we were together when I read this truth. I think about how my anger would control me and my tongue would turn to steel. I would swing it around recklessly. I didn't care if I pierced her in fact I was probably so filled with rage that I would stab at the places I knew would hurt the most.

on the other hand I remember there was a time when I only used my tongue to bring healing to her. I would build her up, I would push her forward, I would encourage her

Anger is never ok for humans to express. I should leave that sort of thing for God.

Fools give full vent to their rage,
but the wise keeps himself under control.
Proverbs 29:11

I have been a fool, giving my rage free range over my emotions. As I felt it rising I would do nothing to stop it or to keep it under control. Instead I let it fully vent.

Now that I know these things I must put them into practice immediately.  I'm nervous because the worst in me only seems to come out when I care about someone and they are getting to close to my mask. But in the mean time I must make an effort to recognize and keep my anger under control.

God You are good.
You made way too many stars
way too many animals
You love me way too much
God You are good
I praise You for Your love and promises.

Sigur Rós - Leaning Towards Solace

10/23/13

I love Bea.

I know that now. But I'm not sure what to do with this.

"Adam," she would faintly whisper as she lay beside me tucked under my arms half asleep.
"Do you like me?"
"Yes Bea, I like you very much."

I met with Toni Saturday and as we talked I realized how impossible it was for us to stay together in our current conditions.

She would always ask me if I just liked the chase and not the relationship. But I always knew I wanted to be with her and committed to her badly. When we would get to that point she thought I had just stopped pursuing and turned lazy but after talking with Toni I see what happened.

the chase is safe for me. The chase means she isn't too close and so I am safe. Once we got into a relationship suddenly she was so close to my mask she was on the verge of looking behind it.

Toni told me that humans can't feel both insecure and angry at the same time. She would get too close and instead of being vulnerable instead of trusting her I would put up the wall and shut down into an angry emotionless being.

Mondays are the worst.

They use to be the highlight of my week and now they hurt the most.

I miss her very much.

In the most fucked up of ways me turning into a distant, cold, angry boyfriend was a sign and a way to tell Bea, I love you. I just didn't know what was going on within myself.

Once you admit to loving someone the risk of failure swells up and along with risk comes insecurity and an easy way to not feel insecure is to get angry and make insecurity impossible.

But once I completely destroy the relationship all that is left is the reality of my true feelings and regret the size of Alaska.

Its been 24 days since we broke up and each day seems to get harder than the last.
It's strange to think all I want to do is drive over to her house throw rocks at her window and tell her I love her but the irony of the situation is that I am still this same broken scared man I was 3 weeks ago. After enough time I would again turn to stone.

So I have nothing I can do. I am completely powerless to the situation. I am at the mercy of her mercy. Once God heals me of this situation and I am healthy enough for an intimate relationship and the risks that are involved I wonder if she'll even be willing to attempt it again.

I miss holding her.

I texted Toni yesterday during work because it got so bad I almost broke down in front of the class. I had to get to the bathroom and pull it together.

"Hey Toni I'm really struggling. I miss Kelly a lot. I'm trying here but I'm not great at waiting. Sorry for bothering you but it seems like this is getting harder rather than easier. I miss her a lot.

I can't imagine how much you miss her. She was a huge comfort through your fear kept you from fully grasping that at the time. Let God be that comforter Adam. That will take the fear away in the future. He loves you more specially than Kelly ever could. I believe in you Adam.

Just promise me to let me know if it gets unhealthy for me to hope for reconciliation.

Will try to help you in that process and let God tell you :)"

I think the problem is I have serious doubts about God being the comforter. God in my heart of hearts if I am being honest and in these letters why the hell not, I don't think You are a great comforter. Can You help me out with that?

I love Bea, I know I am at Your mercy right now God with this situation. I ask God that You would comfort me and let me know that this thing is going to be alright.

Seth Avett - Save Part Of Yourself

10/15/13

Here we are again,

its funny how calloused I am this time around.

It hurts. No denying it hurts.

With loss pain always accompanies.

The thought "I fucked up" enters my mind often.

It's interesting to think but I assume humans are the only organisms  on the planet that feel regret.

Every morning I wake up and as I pour my morning coffee I pour water on my new plant.

“How will the dead be raised? What kind of bodies will they have?” What a foolish question! When you put a seed into the ground, it doesn't grow into a plant unless it dies first. And what you put in the ground is not the plant that will grow, but only a bare seed of wheat or whatever you are planting. Then God gives it the new body he wants it to have. A different plant grows from each kind of seed. Similarly there are different kinds of flesh—one kind for humans, another for animals, another for birds, and another for fish.
1 Corinthians 15

I got the plant during her teaching at the pantry. The irony would be funny if it didn't sting so much.
She told us all to think of a regret, think of a failure in our lives, think of that thing as you plant your seeds. Then as the new plant sprouts up know that Jesus has redeemed that part of your life. Know that He makes all things beautiful.

At the time I can't remember what I thought of as I pushed the seeds in the soil with my thumb but today, everyday I remember a regret I have and seeing those several tiny green clovers pushing out of the dirt and leaning towards the window, it doesn't help at all. It only makes me miss her more.

This weekend my roommates and I went to a pumpkin patch to try to take my mind off of stuff. As we hopped in my car Travis had some CDs he wanted to play for the drive. As I went to place my CD back in the counsel I opened the compartment and saw it...a folded brown napkin with red writing

"To: Adam"

of course I recognized the handwriting and besides we use to always hind notes to each other when we were together. I sat there for a bit, Travis noticed what was happening, he closed the compartment turned up his music and I tried to move past it. Yesterday morning I read the note:

To:Adam

hey,
I think you're cool.
Love,
Biscuit

Love Biscuit?...Love? was this a command, request or written with? Love Biscuit...

I thought about the note throughout the day. I got to the pantry and sat down with a cup of coffee and talked with some of my friends. Mainly about the usual stuff, sports.

Bea didn't show up. Of course not, she said she wasn't going to anymore but part of me really wanted her to.
It sucked
Her roommate showed up...I think it sucked even more knowing that it wasn't because she didn't have a ride or forgot... she just doesn't go anymore. Her roommate is even starting to laugh a bit like her. It sucked.
During the prayer circle after Pictionary one man said something that stuck with me.

He was praying a prayer of thanksgiving for the woman he is with. He said I want to thank you God for her sticking with me through incarceration, through the court hearings, through the lawyers, through all of it and for giving me a second chance at my life.

I started to think about that note, Love Biscuit. I started to wonder how many women would stick with their boyfriends and wait for them while they served jail time.

I wonder if Bea would do that for me?
Or would her friends tell her I'm not a good influence or that it isn't a "healthy" relationship?

Looking at this homeless couple standing beside each other holding hands during this prayer circle I kept wondering, Who is the unhealthy one here?

I am a "leader" at the pantry but standing across from me are two people who can make a relationship work through far worse things then I am capable. So who is the leader? who is the healthy one?

I claim to know about love, commitment, I preach working through things and how love is unconditional and here I am, I can't even keep the woman that I...I don't know, have VERY strong feelings for maybe even love...probably actually, with me when I'm not doing time!

I want that. I want a woman who will wait for me in jail. I want to know what that sort of commitment feels like.

I can make a woman laugh harder than she's ever laughed before. I remember Bea couldn't hardly breath when we would hang out. I could say the right thing, or do something, I could always make her laugh so hard no sound would come out. She would be frozen mouth open head forward, eyes closed as she tried to breath from the laughter.

But with that comes the other side of the coin. I can make a woman cry harder than she's ever cried before. I can shut down my emotions, I can become the coldest more distant person. Floating in outer space as she begs me to listen, begs me to understand her feelings.

people only ever seem to remember the worst times.

I'm broken,
hurt people hurt people
I miss her a lot.
Only know you love her when you let her go...
And you let her go

Love,
Adam

Sigur Rós - Varúð

10/09/13

Love is a strange thing. at least ἔρως is.

This weekend I went home to bury my dad's dad.

The church was packed during the wake.

I think wake is a perfect term for the ceremony.

wake is the region of recirculating flow immediately behind a moving or stationary solid body, caused by the flow of surrounding fluid around the body.

like the wake of something being tossed into water.

at the wake of someone's funeral you see all the people that person has impacted. I know that isn't why we call them wakes but it seems to fit just as well.

during the wake I watched the oldest grandson, my oldest cousin struggle for composure as he tried to tell of fond memories and stories about our grandfather. My grandma was a row in front of me beside her 3 children.

after the wake there was a lunch and the mood shifted. suddenly everyone was laughing and sharing a meal together. stories were being swapped and it was as if our mourning had turned to joy.

I learned that my grandfather liberated concentration camps during his time in Europe for the war.
I learned my grandfather couldn't hurt a fly.
I learned my grandfather never liked camping after having to do so much during the war.
I learned, and knew from the time I'd known him, that he never stopped smiling.

but it was only for a moment.

as the lunch winded down we loaded into our cars and drove towards the cemetery.

I'd never been to a cemetery under these conditions before.
Hell, I'd never been to a cemetery even to visit a gravestone.

As soon as we pulled up it was quiet. Like very very quiet. It was real. It turned serious very quickly.
This portion was quick but it was by far the most powerful. This was the end even though the end had come nearly a week prior this was the end.

I stood beside my father at the cemetery.
I stood beside my father as he said goodbye to his.
It felt strange. I wonder what it was like when my father's grandfather died.
Did he stand next to his father as we were now?
And was it the same with my grandfather at the funeral of his grandfather?
Staring at a grave in a cemetery makes death seem very real. More than ever.
My father moved past me without words and put his arm around my mother.
A move I hadn't seen in the 25 years I've known their marriage.

Standing there among the children, grandchildren and great grandchildren of my grandpa felt so strange.

I am the youngest of the grandchildren. I've always been the baby. Every time this group gathered prior to this moment was for celebrations only.

wedding anniversaries
birthdays
holidays
Christmas

this was the first time I had seen my cousins like this.

My oldest cousin is around 17 years older than me.
This group of people way older than me. This group that always seemed to understand everything.
This group of people that use to pick on me and call me "Addy" the baby of the family, This group silent.

My grandmother stood up from the chair she was in gripped her cane and moved towards my grandfather's remains. She touched the marble box and spoke "goodbye my love" in the most heart wrenching broken voice I'd ever heard.

in three words she summed up her 64 years of marriage. In three words she put the weight of 3 children and 6 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren on her tongue and pushed it out into this world.

64 years.

No way she could have known this day would come when they got married in 1949.

I'll never forget when she said those 3 words. I will never forget how so much weight could rest on 3 words.
I'll never forget that.

After she got into the car all that remained were the lives that she and her husband had created through their love. Their children, their children's children, their children's children's children.

We all stood completely still.

None of us knew what to do, or maybe it was just me that didn't know what to do. Maybe as the baby of the family I was clueless but I knew I was waiting on Brett to lead the way of me. My oldest cousin the police officer, the father, the responsible one.

He moved towards the remains with this family in front of him saying good bye.
Next came his brother and his fiancee.
After that was my aunt and her daughter my cousin.
Then came her brother and his family, with a new born baby, the strange irony of life.
Lastly came the Schuchs.

The youngest of my grandpa's children, and the last remaining family to carry his last name. We stepped past the grave on our way to our car. There is was. It was the first time I'd ever seen my last name on a tombstone.

After that we headed to grandma's house.

I hadn't seen the entire whole side of my dad's side all together like this in YEARS...but it was only through the loss of the patriarch of the family that brought us together.

In a way we were whole but in a way we weren't at all and never would be again.

As we hung out we laughed and told more stories. It was one of the funniest nights I've had in a while. But this looming idea kept popping into my head.

What about when we all leave and my grandmother is left laying in her bed...alone...

For the first time in 64 years...alone.

She spent the night opening cards and talking about the people who sent them.

Her Schwan's truck driver sent a card. she told us that he didn't show up this past Thursday for his weekly delivery. She had now pieced together that he must have heard my grandpa passing and couldn't bare to walk up to the house and see my grandpa's chair empty.

It was strange how moved I was by the story it seemed like my grandma and I were the only two who really felt that that was powerful.

I guess it sort of encapsulated this idea of just how electric my grandfather was. Even if you just saw him for seconds at a time, his smile and kindness stood out.

He even impacted the delivery guy.

there was this pride in my grandmother as she opened the cards. She loved her husband very much and to see the wake of love he left.

death is a strange thing but it is part of life.  

Sigur Rós - Valtari

10/04/13

"You're a catch"
"You're my best friend"
"You're great"

Bull shit
Bull shit
Bull shit

a wise man learns from others mistakes
a smart man learns from his own
a fool never learns

I'm a fool.

I open up to Whitney, the woman I could see myself marrying, she takes a look at my brokenness and the mess that I am and simply tells me

"You're a catch, You're my best friend, but I feel a great peace about breaking up"

I heal from that wound. I open up to Bea, the only other woman I could see myself marrying, she takes a look at my brokenness and the mess that I am and simply tells me

"You're a catch, You're my best friend, but I feel great relief about breaking up"

What is a man to think?

Two times I've pursued, I've tried my damndest to be with a woman I could spend my life with. I could birth my children with.

Two times I've been told the same exact piece of bull shit when they no longer want to deal with me once I trust them enough to open up.

Fuck this.

How the hell does everyone seem to make finding and marrying someone so damn easy?
It's fucking painful, You stick your neck out there like a performing artist whose been working on this act their whole life and once the curtains drop everyone walks away grunting "that was ugly"

What would You have me do?
Try again?
how many more tries do You want me to take?

I'm not a god, I'm not love, I'm not perfect
I know You can hang on a cross naked and vulnerable and have people abandon You because it's too ugly but I can't.

This fucking hurts.

It's nights and nights of tears and sleepless hours.
It's "what ifs" and "she was right there" and "what happened" and "what's wrong with me"

I'm only a man.
This sort of stuff takes it's toll on a man.

What would You have me do?
Keep pursuing a woman who doesn't want the work or mess that I am, like stubborn love?
Pick myself up dust myself off and try to find yet another woman?
Or remain single?
What would You have me do?

Oh right I forgot, You aren't going to fucking tell me shit.
You're going to leave me here to figure it out on my own.
Everytime I go through shit like this I have more questions than answers when it's all said and done and I'm never certain if what I've chosen is what You want. I'm fending for myself, it's always seemed to go this way.

She tells me "I think counseling will be really good for you"
Ha Ha, "I think you're really fucked up" put very politely.

Once again, I can't change the past. And so I fucking keep moving forward more scars, more bruises, more mistakes as I fucking keep moving.


Bruce Springsteen - The Wrestler

10/02/13

choices we make determine the life we live.
poor choices make for a poor life.
good choices make for a good life.

The question becomes, how in that moment do we know the difference?

Hope is a beautiful thing
but if we mix hope with time we have a desperate thing.

In school hope was mammoth. Teachers would proclaim from behind tall desks in high backed chairs
"You can be whatever you want to be!"

but as elementary school turned to middle turned to high turned to college that hope, that proclamation changed.
"You can be any of these choices!"

After college hope transformed again.
"You can be anything that's hiring within your field"

I hope you chose the right college. I hope you chose the right field.
Now in your mid 20's hope is still grand however it's certainly lost some of it's luster.
You can't get into any college you want.
Certain occupations that require early starts in life have now past by.

But we press on, in hope.

The other night I listened to a 40 year old man tell his story.

It was a story filled with regret and poor choices.

Of course when walking up the hill of life it's easy to turn around at it's peak and say, "I should and shouldn't have done these things" but during this man's life, during his choice making, how could he know?

It's scary to think about. In 15 years I'll be 40. 15 years.

15 years I'll look back at my 20's and wonder why I spent my days the way I am now. I'll wish I would have LIVED more. I'll wish I would have taken more risks...but it's a cowardly thing to do

for the old to look upon the young and tell them to LIVE.

If the old were to cowardly to truly live then what gives them any right? I would wager a bet that if given a second chance at youth the old after a little while would again become the same man as the first go round.

What are we to do with our lives?

My grandfather at 88 died Sunday morning
This man at 40 looks back with tears at the life he's built
and here I stand at 25 wondering what the hell to make of all of this.

Is the purpose of life to just survive as long as possible?

what good is 88 if the last 20 were spent in front of a tv?
Why doesn't a man at 40 realize he may have 40 more...why not find great hope in that?

at 25 I already carry with me this ball and chain of regrets. I can only imagine what 15 more years will do to the size of this iron ball.

choices mixed with addiction, mixed with fear, mixed with apathy, creates a great deal of regret at any age.

And so another mistake is added to my story. Another chapter closes.
But at 25 teachers can still state from behind their desks,
"learn from your mistakes"

But the problem being this isn't the first time for this mistake and I wonder how many more?
Enough of them and 15 years will fly by and I will stand with nothing to show for my life but fear and failure.

"I built this house but it fell down before I got one night of sleep So how does that beat all the fools who never tried. They missed the moon in rented rooms, traded stories over food I worked alone, broke my bones with all my pride."
-Levi Weaver

I've spent nearly the past two years building something. Last month I had finally earned what I had worked so hard for. All the risks, all the fears, all the pressing forward, all the pain. I had finally earned it. After one short ugly month the house fell down.

How does that beat all the fools who never tried? I'm two years older now with two years less time in my 20's and I look at the fools around me who spent their nights renting intimacy and I see that now we are exactly the same. Except now the difference between 23 and 25 is an added regret and the pain to match it.

But life flows forward, always.

Sigur Rós - Varðeldur