Wednesday, December 18, 2013

12/18/13

I found my notes from when I was reading "The God Delusion" earlier this year:

To assume that the cure to violent and irrational behavior is the dismantling of religion is a hypothesis with less ground to stand on than any theory about what happened before the Earth’s existence. I would venture to hypothesize that religion is not the source of this behavior but rather the avenue some choose to express it. No different than those who act from places such as adultery, or murder from families. Religion isn’t the issue but rather pain.

Which religion, once removed, would solve the senseless actions of the bloods and cryps street gangs?

The correlation between religion and irrational behavior does not imply causation.

Do countries such as China and North Korea, those religion bans, show any sort of decrease in irrational behavior in terms of violence and aggression?

my hypnosis isn’t that religion causes irrational behavior but rather pride. It is the desire to justify and confirm that your worldview is the correct worldview. However that may be expressed through to many avenues of passion.

Ones and Zeros - Jack Johnson


I think humans have always thought they are so damn smart.

all throughout history whatever time, those people believed they had the truth and they scoffed at their brothers and sisters before them when they discovered some new truth.

We are no different. We laugh at those who lived before us for thinking the gods clapped their hands and thunder was made. Perhaps those who will come after us will shake their heads as they look back at our hand held devices and the way we play god with the land we plunder.

Those whom we look up to. Those who we see has "heroes" those who are the rich and powerful, maybe those who come after us, our children's children's so on won't view them under the same light after they see the price we paid letting them drink half the glass.

Maybe in the future we will see the wisdom of the past.

Maybe we will see that not everything is binary, not everything is ones and zeros.
Not everything can be explained with science no matter the time dedicated in the lab.
No matter the time spent staring into scopes, microscope nor telescope.

Modern medicine is incredible
but we all die

modern travel is astounding
but we all have a home

modern communication is amazing
but we all need a hug

It's funny to think the price we pay to save time now could in all reality be time lost in the future.

Are we really saving time, becoming more efficient, or are we just stealing time and life from our children's planet?

And so the scientist and the Dawkins of the world love to laugh in God's face as they hold their state of the art, most recent findings staring too closely into the narrow lens of a microscope ignoring the vast world around them. The people starving, the animals and their perfect balance that we disrupt as we "advance" in understanding and luxury. Where exactly all those convenient plastic water bottles are going once we've tossed them in the bin.

I suppose the same can be said for those who stare too closely into an old book ignoring the vast world around them.

If God is a living God then He certainly won't be confined to a book and He certainly isn't just an explanation for the gaps in science as we figure it out in the meantime.

Maybe those who came before us had it right the whole time.

It's as if we pour millions into research just to find that psychologically it is good to grow up with a mom and a dad. It is good to live in community. It is good to talk face to face. It is good to eat food that grows on it's own out of the ground. It isn't stuff that makes us happy. It is good to work hard, or "exercise" for our bodies.

It's as if we slap ourselves on the back for being so damn smart when we come up with a diet after years and years of research and millions of dollars. We call it the "paleo diet" named after our ancestors who were living that way without needing all the research and findings. The very same ancestors we mock and scoff at for their "primitive" way of life as we now strive to live exactly like them.

We pour our money into personal trainers who have gone to school and studied the body and found that it is good to get your heart rate up, it is good to get moving. So we spend money exercising doing things like lifting heavy things, running in a circle, swinging weights. All of these things imitating the very natural make up of living the lives of our "primitive" ancestors.

We invent these fake forms of light and suck the planet dry in order to keep them lit only to find after years of research and money that natural light is good for us. That psychologically the more sun light a place has the happier the people and the less sun a place has the higher the suicide rate. We create imitation plants out of plastic to stick inside buildings with florescent lights  not realizing we are imitating what our "primitive" ancestors use to experience naturally. We are finding it is good to get lots of sleep almost as if when the sun goes down it is telling us to rest. But we fight against it, we burn the coal to light the bulb, to earn the money to pay for the food which naturally grows from the ground, or the gym membership which keeps us in shape since we aren't working the land, or the bottles of water which falls from the sky.

They can keep their science, they can keep their research. We don't need charts and graphs to know how to live. We don't need rating systems, awards, competitions to tell us what we like. Our brothers and sisters who walked before us lived free. How does all of the rest of the world know how to exist without research? How do the birds who fly south know when and how to do that? Did they learn in history class? What research does the bear look at prior to learning how to hibernate? Can the trees with their limbs turn the pages of instructional books about photosynthesis and changing leaf color in the autumn?

Science can't tell me why I love.
Science can't measure a sunrise.
Science can't explain a symphony.
If we are all just cells and carbon trying to survive why do some pursue passion over financial stability? Why do some take a vow of celibacy? Why do animals cry out in pain? We are more than ones and zeros.

Science can explain how we breath but it can't touch why.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

Saturday, December 14, 2013

12/14/13

Beauty and the Beast - Something There

Thursday, December 12, 2013

12/12/13

How can you promise all of those things?
You can't
How can you know you will do what you've said?
You can't
I don't think you are really the personality type that you say you are.
You aren't
I don't think you really like doing these things I think you just say that you like them because I like them.
You don't.
You don't really like my nose ring.
You don't

I met with Bea and Toni last night and every time we would get close to something she would wall up.

I just don't feel it
why?
I just don't.

Toni talked about how no one in Bea's life has ever stuck around long enough to work though forgiveness. And here I am. I am the stove that burnt her hand and she won't touch it again. She likes talking to the stove, she likes being around the stove but to touch it again, she won't.

Trust, as I'm learning, is just as important as freedom for love.

Toni talked about how a person can tell the difference between a trained horse and one that isn't.

It is about a submitting of their will.

As I thought about last night and I listened to Bea talk I started to think about You, God.

Bea doesn't want another session with me.
She wants me to trust her.
Toni wants me to trust God.

and I realized what a horse I am.

Lowering my will, submitting my will to You God is so difficult. You are my stove. I love talking about you, I love learning about you, I love being in your presence. But to trust You? To let go of all control and worry? I won't.

After the session Bea and I talked in the lobby.
You can't
You aren't
You don't

She was keeping a safe distance. She likes to talk with me, she finds me attractive, she likes being with me...but she won't.

Trust.

I broke her heart.
I broke her trust.

It sounds just like me when I pray to You, oh God.

How can you promise all of those things?
You can't
How can you know you will do what you've said?
You can't
I don't think you are really good
You aren't
I don't think you really love me you just say that you love me because you are God and You died for everyone.
You don't.
You don't really love who I am, Adam.
You don't

Trust.

But the truth is You will keep your promises. You will do what you've said. You are good. You do love me. You do love who I am.

And the truth is the same towards her.
I am for her.
I will listen to her.
I will cherish her.
I will fight for her voice.
I will help her chase dreams.

But without trust these words are only a noisy gong, a clanging cymbal. I will not be perfect, but I will always listen to her and she will always be seen.

But without Freedom there can be no trust.
without trust there can be no love.
without love there can be no relationship.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
give her peace
heal Bea
heal me

I trust you Jesus. Help me lower my head and let my will be your will.
free her heart. Let her choices be from her heart without fear.
give her peace. Whatever choice she makes from her free heart that she rests in it.
heal Bea. Heal her from the burn I have left on her hand from touching me.
heal me. Heal me from the burns that I have experienced in my life as well.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
give her peace
heal Bea
heal me

The Swell Season - Low Rising

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

12/11/13

Tonight Bea and I talk with Toni.

I'm scared
I'm nervous
I'm confused
I'm hopeful
I'm terrified
I'm trusting.

I guess when it comes down to it and when I write on here honestly. Past the pain, past the fear, past the vulnerability what's left is a pure love for Bea.

I want her to be free.
I am for her.
She is beautiful.
I want her to choose.
I want her to follow her heart.

There is peace in knowing that if she doesn't want to explore what this could grow into I know that You, oh God, will take care of both her and me.

There is peace in knowing that if she does not want this then how can I? What a selfish thing, to desire someone's love that they do not wish to give.

There is peace in knowing You are good.

No matter what her choice. I know that She will become more beautiful than she is now.
She will become wiser
She will become stronger
She will become a truer and more real Bea. The one you had in mind when You do Your knitting in wombs. I know this experience will grow her and I know You will pull out of it beautiful things. You will make it beautiful.

God I pray that you continue to work in her life. I pray that You display Your love to her throughout her journey in this life no matter which path, no matter the step, no matter valley nor mountain she finds herself on.

I thank You for putter her in my life. Whether it be for this season or for much longer. I thank You Jesus.

God I have hope in reconciliation.
I have hope in redemption.
I have hope in growth.
God I have trust in You.
I have trust in Your plans.
I have trust in Your will.
Give me peace with whatever is decided tonight whether it be reconciliation, separation, or merely more time waiting. I trust You.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
give her peace
heal Bea
heal me

Glen Hansard - You Will Become


In time this won't even matter
This chapter will be long under grass
And we'll talk about everything til it's easier
Your beauty is nothing compared to what
You will become in time become
And we talked about talk of a gold ring
When you brought me one step closer to the heart of things
And we talked about everything til we laughed about it
Your honesty is nothing compared to what
You will become in time become

Sunday, December 8, 2013

12/08/13

...We push over the verge of the creation — we damn — just because we cannot embrace. For to embrace is the necessity of our deepest being. That foiled, we hate. Instead of admonishing ourselves that there is our enchained brother, that there lies our enchanted, disfigured, scarce recognizable sister, captive of the devil, to break, how much sooner, from their bonds, that we love them! — we recoil into the hate which would fix them there; and the dearly lovable reality of them we sacrifice to the outer falsehood of Satan's incantations, thus leaving them to perish.

...If any one say, "Do not make such vague distinctions. There is the person. Can you deny that that person is unlovely? How then can you love him?" I answer, "That person, with the evil thing cast out of him, will be yet more the person, for he will be his real self. The thing that now makes you dislike him is separable from him, is therefore not he, makes himself so much less himself, for it is working death in him. Now he is in danger of ceasing to be a person at all. When he is clothed and in his right mind, he will be a person in deed. You could not then go on hating him. Begin to love him now, and help him into the loveliness which is his. Do not hate him although you can. The personalty, I say, though clouded, besmeared, defiled with the wrong, lies deeper than the wrong, and indeed, so far as the wrong has reached it, is by the wrong injured, yea, so far, it may be, destroyed.

...I have taken for granted that the fault lies with the enemy so considered, for upon the primary rocks would I build my foundation. But the question must be put to each man by himself, "Is my neighbour indeed my enemy, or am I my neighbour's enemy, and so take him to be mine? — awful thought! Or, if he be mine, am not I his? Am I not refusing to acknowledge the child of the kingdom within his bosom, so killing the child of the kingdom within my own?" Let us claim for ourselves no more indulgence than we give to him. Such honesty will end in severity at home and clemency abroad. For we are accountable for the ill in ourselves, and have to kill it; for the good in our neighbour, and have to cherish it. He only, in the name and power of God, can kill the bad in him; we can cherish the good in him by being good to it across all the evil fog that comes between our love and his good.

Nor ought it to be forgotten that this fog is often the result of misapprehension and mistake, giving rise to all kinds of indignations, resentments, and regrets. Scarce anything about us is just as it seems, but at the core there is truth enough to dispel all falsehood and reveal life as unspeakably divine. O brother, sister, across this weary fog, dim-lighted by the faint torches of our truth-seeking, I call to the divine in thee, which is mine, not to rebuke thee, not to rouse thee, not to say "Why hatest thou me?" but to say "I love thee; in God's name I love thee." And I will wait until the true self looks out of thine eyes, and knows the true self in me.

But in the working of the Divine Love upon the race, my enemy is doomed to cease to be my enemy, and to become my friend. One flash of truth towards me would destroy my enmity at once; one hearty confession of wrong, and our enmity passes away; from each comes forth the brother who was inside the enemy all the time. For this The Truth is at work. In the faith of this, let us love the enemy now, accepting God's work in reversion, as it were; let us believe as seeing his yet invisible triumph, clasping and holding fast our brother, in defiance of the changeful wiles of the wicked enchantment which would persuade our eyes and hearts that he is not our brother, but some horrible thing, hateful and hating.
-Love Thine Enemy, George MacDonald

There is a brother that comes to mind whenever talk of neighbors and enemies occurs. I know it to be all the more true as I think the thoughts of praying for his heart to change. If I am to be honest with myself, and since I cannot be anything but honest towards God lest I am deceiving myself,it is only with myself that I must force out such honesty. I do not want to pray for this brother's change of heart for fear of loss. A very, very selfish loss. I fear the loss of the one I love. But alas that fear has come to reality. My love does not return such feelings. There is always hope so long as hope can exist.

Then David confessed to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” Nathan replied, “Yes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and you won’t die for this sin. Nevertheless, because you have shown utter contempt for the Lord by doing this, your child will die.” After Nathan returned to his home, the Lord sent a deadly illness to the child of David and Uriah’s wife. David begged God to spare the child. He went without food and lay all night on the bare ground. The elders of his household pleaded with him to get up and eat with them, but he refused. Then on the seventh day the child died. David’s advisers were afraid to tell him. “He wouldn’t listen to reason while the child was ill,” they said. “What drastic thing will he do when we tell him the child is dead?” When David saw them whispering, he realized what had happened. “Is the child dead?” he asked. “Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.” Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions, and changed his clothes. He went to the Tabernacle and worshiped the Lord. After that, he returned to the palace and was served food and ate. His advisers were amazed. “We don’t understand you,” they told him. “While the child was still living, you wept and refused to eat. But now that the child is dead, you have stopped your mourning and are eating again.” David replied, “I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, ‘Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.”
-2 Samuel 12

There is always hope so long as hope can exist. But my love does not return such feelings. What a selfish wish that a brother may stay in his shackles so that I may be chosen by my love? Again if I am to be honest with myself, since God You already know it to be true, this is the condition of my heart towards this brother. Forgive me Lord for wishing such evil so that I may have happiness. What sort of happiness can actually come from such wicked wishing? It is only a very shallow, selfish happiness that ultimately would consume the reality of my person leaving the veneer of false self and happiness. But again, as is always the case with love, I must pursue freedom above all. Above even my own desires. She, being what I desire, does not desire me. And if my love is to be as pure and as fearless as the perfect love displayed to me by my Savior, then above all I should pursue freedom for her. As my God pursues freedom for me.

And so I pray for my brother, my enemy. And thus in so doing he is transformed into my neighbor, no longer my enemy. I pray that he would come back to you. I pray that he would over come the outer falsehood of Satan's incantations. I have chosen to recoil into the hate which would keep him in his chains. It is by no wrong done to me that I harbor such hate towards my brother. But it is the wrong done towards her, whom I love. And also the feelings which she holds deeply towards the memory of he, my brother, who once was prior to the outter shell he has, through his freedom, chosen to live in. Only through the honest confession of my wicked heart "comes forth the brother who was inside the enemy all the time. For this The Truth is at work. In the faith of this, let us love the enemy now, accepting God's work in reversion, as it were; let us believe as seeing his yet invisible triumph, clasping and holding fast our brother, in defiance of the changeful wiles of the wicked enchantment which would persuade our eyes and hearts that he is not our brother, but some horrible thing, hateful and hating." I will choose to transform this brother from an enemy to a neighbor in the faith that God's work will be done. I trust you Jesus and I know Your goodness to be the greatest truth in this universe You have created.

Forgive me Jesus for my selfishness. For my hatred. I pray that You would pour your love on Your son, my brother, Jordan, that Your son would one day turn back towards home and find You, his father, running towards him with arms open. I also pray freedom for Bea. I pray that she may choose from her heart. I'm sorry for the evil I have held towards Jordan out of fear and out of selfish desires. I do not wish to possess her heart unless it is completely, freely, and wholly given on her own choosing. Free me from this self imposed prison of hatred towards my brother. I want to be a child of Your kingdom.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal Jordan
heal me

Rosie and Me - Come Back

Friday, December 6, 2013

12/06/13

Hope is a devastatingly wonderful thing.

The more of life I experience the more I see the two sides to every coin.

Freedom paves the way to opportunities of life and yet at the same time death. In freedom one can choose to live a life free from addictions free from things that would hold them back. But conversely freedom also lends to the possibility of great slavery.

Love as beautiful and wonderful as it can be also has another side to it. Love can be received like a warm hug. It can also be rejected, it can be neglected like a letter never opened by the recipient.

Hope as I am discovering is no different.

Life is a journey and along the way we learn. We learn by experiencing. We learn what it feels like at the top of a mountain only after we strive to reach the peak. We learn the pleasure of certain foods only after we've tasted. We learn what music sounds like only after we've listened. Life is meant to be lived and it is good.

But sometimes we get winded before the summit.
Sometimes we wince at the taste of rotten food.
Sometimes we cringe at the sound of noise.
Life is meant to be lived and sometimes it is hard.

Hope is an amazing thing that drives the human race. It is hard to describe, hard to grasp, and impossible to extinguish.

Hope has the power to overthrow unjust systems.
It has the power to taste freedom in the midst of bondage.
It has the power to change someone.
It pushes people beyond anything they thought themselves capable of.

And yet, just as I am finding more and more each year, every coin has two sides.

Hope can make a man blind.
Hope can deceive a man.
Hope can enslave a man.

"Not enough"

Those are the words that echo in my head minute after minute these past 28 hours.

Not enough

I love you, but not enough

I deceived myself with hope. I have been praying and hoping for the past 2 months, the past two years, that Bea and I would end up together.

Hope is a powerful thing.
Hope makes a man more courageous than he ever thought possible.
Love makes a man more brave.
Hope mixed with love is a devastating thing.

Bea had texted me Tuesday after meeting with Toni Monday. My heart raced as my fingers tapped the touch screen keyboard that illuminated my face during nap time. She wanted to get together and talk.
Hope mixed with love is a devastating thing.
Thursday night at 7:30 arrives. Layers of prayers and hoping all leading to this one conversation. I put on my hat and jacket as I lock the door behind me. It's dark out as I walk down the rainy soaked concrete steps in front of the porch connecting to the crooked bumpy sidewalk. I start walking towards High Street. Prayers flow in and out of my mind and mouth as I make my way. The air feels cold in the night sky. Rain keeps dripping from my hair to my face. I reach the coffee shop order a cup of tea, sit by the fire place...and wait.
Hope mixed with love is a devastating thing.
I'm checking my phone and I'm praying. 8:08...where is she? I'm getting nervous. She'll be here...Then... My heart stops as I see her long brown hair bounce around the corner of the fire place. Her big brown eyes locked with mine she is smiling without showing teeth and her arms are filled, notebook, bible, books and a ukulele. She sits on the deep blue couch next to me.
"can I give you a hug?" she asks.
"...yeah"
I wrap around her and pull her tight towards me. My fears and worries melt away. She's here. We are here. She hands me a book as a gift and I ask what she wanted to talk about. I can feel the silence and that look as if she's already said everything she wanted to say in the flash of a moment.
Hope mixed with love is a devastating thing.
"Adam, I really care about you, and you are my best friend. But I don't love you enough."
My stomach turns into a sailors knot and I feel like I'm going to throw up. My body starts to get hot and I can feel the tears pressing against my eyes. We are sitting in the middle of a coffee shop and nothing matters.
"Should we talk in my car?"
"I don't care if these people see."
Bea reaches for my hand and I can't hold the salty warm tears back anymore I feel the first one run down my cheek followed by the second on the other side of my nose. I don't understand. She moves closer to me. Why is she holding my hand? Why is she moving closer to me? Her words are saying one thing but her body is saying another.
"I don't understand"
I keep repeating. I'm trying to listen to her but her words aren't the words I'm looking for.
Hope mixed with love is a devastating thing.
"I love you Bea"
"I know you do Adam and I care about you, just...not enough."
two hours pass and she asks if she could come over. I'm so confused. She doesn't want me but she wants to be with me? We park on the street near my house she turns to me and asks if she can play a song on her ukulele. I smile and say "I'd love that" Her hair covers her face as she focuses on the strings. Her left hand gently forms the first cords as her right strums softly. She looks perfect in this moment. She is so careful as she holds it and out comes this out of tune soft melody. I've never heard anything as pretty. Then she starts to sing and I can't handle it. I burst into tears. I love her voice. It's the same one that sang as we drove past the Scioto river downtown. It's the same voice that I've heard sing beside me at Joshua House and the same voice I've heard as she cooks, or organizes her room. It's wonderful and I can't control my tears. I haven't cried this hard since... I can remember, maybe ever. She sets down the ukulele and throws her arms around me as my snot runs down my beard and I feel her hair against my cheek. I hold her so tight. I can't let go and I can't fucking stop crying. She's wonderful. Her heart, her eyes, her voice, and I'm holding her and it's freezing outside. We walk into my house and lay on the couch by the Christmas tree.
I hold it all when I hold you.
Copeland is playing on my phone as I squeeze her as close to me as I can get. She begs me not to let her go. But something isn't right. Her words said she doesn't want me but here she is in my arms... I don't understand and I'm scared. I sit up and turn off the music. It doesn't feel right. Here is she. I've waited months for this and yet it doesn't feel like she's in the same house as me. Her body is near me but her heart is so far. And It's the only thing I want. It's all I've wanted, for her to freely, willingly, lovingly, give me her heart. But her heart tells her that her love towards me is "not enough"
Hope mixed with love is a devastating thing.
We talk and laugh and cry  and kiss and hold each other until 5:30 on Friday morning. Its easy to spend 9 hours with her. It always has. It passes like the blink of an eye. She keeps telling me she's missed me. She misses this Adam. I'm myself again and now she is confused. She drives away in the freezing rain and I tell her to text me when she's home. She does and we text throughout the day.



Suddenly We are in my bedroom. She is sitting on my bed and I am in the cold, grey, hard folding chair.
"I am so sorry Adam. I really messed with you last night. I'm sorry. I was not very loving. I care about you a lot Adam...just not enough."
I'm scared to hug her, I'm scared to look at her. I don't understand. Why did last night happen? Why did she even want to do that? Why? I'm confused! I don't know! She's about to walk out of my room and I want so badly to hold her again but I'm so fucking scared. I stand up and as my body heaves with tears I pull her towards me. Her fleece jacket fuzzy and warm against my hands. I move them up and down her back. I hold her tight. Her arms are wrapped under my arms and around my shoulders. I know exactly how Peeta feels towards Katniss. I can't let her go but yet she doesn't want this and so it feels so selfish to keep her here. I sit on my bed as she closes the door. Next I know, I am on the cold hardwood floor sobbing.
She's gone.
It's over.
I'm confused.
Hope is a devastatingly wonderful thing.
Hope can make a man blind.
Hope makes a man more courageous than he ever thought possible.
I don't want to be alone. I walk down stairs and find Ellen knitting by the Christmas tree. I sit on the couch and weep. Silently. No words. This is the risk of love, this is the risk of hope.
This is life.

God I am for Bea. I pray that she experiences a joy that cannot be described in life. I pray that she experiences a freedom that knows no limits. And I pray that she is loved exactly as much as she deserves and nothing less. Thank you for the time you gave me with her. Bea is a wonderful person. I love her very deeply.

Brown Eyed Girl - Ken Middleton

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

12/04/13

Freedom leads to Love
Love leads to peace
and that peace is what everyone is striving towards.
Peace,
Enlightenment,
There are many different vocabularies with which we use to describe it.
Some use English
Some use Buddhism
Some use a paint brush
Some use the strings of a violin
Some use clay
Some use hugs

We get tangled up in the semantics of it, the vocabulary of it
Jesus
Yeshua
Joshua
Josh
God
Allah
Mother Nature

Whatever vocabulary we use we are all talking about the same thing.
Shalom
Enlightenment
Balance
Peace
It all flows from a oneness with our Creator a reunion with the very thing that gave us this desire.

God is a big God. Bigger than anything we can fathom. God will not be boxed in by a book or an idea, a hope or a perception. God is higher than any hope and bigger than any book.

When a Buddhist says to reach enlightenment one must let go of material things is the Buddhist not preaching the same truth found in Jesus' teachings? Truth is truth no matter it's origin. God is the Truth and when someone stumbles upon a Truth someone stumbles upon their Creator.

Tapping into the Kingdom of God can happen countless ways. God will not be held back. Love will not be held back.

But without freedom none of it could be possible.

If God is love then in order for God to be experienced, to be touched, to be felt, freedom is vital.

Freedom is the avenue in which God has allowed us to seek His face.

With that freedom comes a certain unlimited amount of individuality. Within that unlimited individuality within all who were knit together there is the opportunity to love. Limitless ways to express this love that cannot be boxed in, cannot be outdone.

Because love is limitless and because God is love, we have the freedom to experience and bump into God countless ways.

Preparing a meal
carving
running along a trail
strumming an instrument
singing a song
moving our bodies
seeing the sun rise
fetching water
laughing
painting
sewing
molding
creating
crafting
shaping
planting
harvesting
touching
tasting
listening
working
resting

Love is not limited to the 'Christian' Love is not restrained by the literate. Love is not bound by a vocabulary.

Love, God, only requires freedom. A freedom God goes to great lengths to maintain. A choice. We always have a choice.

In that freedom love can be both experienced and expressed in unique ways, which is to say, the only way love can be truly expressed and experienced, uniquely, individually, from the heart.

Freedom leads to love
love leads to shalom
shalom is being in God's presence. Being one with the Creator. Connecting how we were meant to connect. Living life. It may last a moment. It may last a season. But in that time, that ever changing time, we tap into shalom and it is beautiful. God wants more and more freedom for us so that we may experience more and more time with him in this life. More freedom means more shalom.

I use to only see God an hour on Sundays.
Now I see God in everything.

Blind as I'd become, I used to wonder where you are
These days I can't find where you're not
-mewithoutyou

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me.

Isbells - Elation

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

12/03/13

When the inward sun is shining, and the wind of thought, blowing where it lists amid the flowers and leaves of fancy and imagination, rouses glad forms and feelings, it is easy to look upwards, and say My God. It is easy when the frosts of external failure have braced the mental nerves to healthy endurance and fresh effort after labour, it is easy then to turn to God and trust in him, in whom all honest exertion gives an ability as well as a right to trust. It is easy in pain, so long as it does not pass certain undefinable bounds, to hope in God for deliverance, or pray for strength to endure. But what is to be done when all feeling is gone? when a man does not know whether he believes or not, whether he loves or not? when art, poetry, religion are nothing to him, so swallowed up is he in pain, or mental depression, or disappointment, or temptation, or he knows not what? It seems to him then that God does not care for him, and certainly he does not care for God. If he is still humble, he thinks that he is so bad that God cannot care for him. And he then believes for the time that God loves us only because and when and while we love him; instead of believing that God loves us always because he is our God, and that we live only by his love. Or he does not believe in a God at all, which is better.

So long as we have nothing to say to God, nothing to do with him, save in the sunshine of the mind when we feel him near us, we are poor creatures, willed upon, not willing; reeds, flowering reeds, it may be, and pleasant to behold, but only reeds blown about of the wind; not bad, but poor creatures.

And how in such a condition do we generally act? Do we not sit mourning over the loss of our feelings? or worse, make frantic efforts to rouse them? or, ten times worse, relapse into a state of temporary atheism, and yield to the pressing temptation? or, being heartless, consent to remain careless, conscious of evil thoughts and low feelings alone, but too lazy, too content to rouse ourselves against them? We know we must get rid of them some day, but meantime — never mind; we do not feel them bad, we do not feel anything else good; we are asleep and we know it, and we can not be troubled to wake. No impulse comes to arouse us, and so we remain as we are.

God does not, by the instant gift of his Spirit, make us always feel right, desire good, love purity, aspire after him and his will. Therefore either he will not, or he cannot. If he will not, it must be because it would not be well to do so. If he cannot, then he would not if he could; else a better condition than God's is conceivable to the mind of God — a condition in which he could save the creatures whom he has made, better than he can save them. The truth is this: He wants to make us in his own image, choosing the good, refusing the evil. How should he effect this if he were always moving us from within, as he does at divine intervals, towards the beauty of holiness? God gives us room to be; does not oppress us with his will; "stands away from us," that we may act from ourselves, that we may exercise the pure will for good. Do not, therefore, imagine me to mean that we can do anything of our selves without God. If we choose the right at last, it is all God's doing, and only the more his that it is ours, only in a far more marvellous way his than if he had kept us filled with all holy impulses precluding the need of choice. For up to this very point, for this very point, he has been educating us, leading us, pushing us, driving us, enticing us, that we may choose him and his will, and so be tenfold more his children, of his own best making, in the freedom of the will found our own first in its loving sacrifice to him, for which in his grand fatherhood he has been thus working from the foundations of the earth, than we could be in the most ecstatic worship flowing from the divinest impulse, without this willing sacrifice. For God made our individuality as well as, and a greater marvel than, our dependence; made our apartness from himself, that freedom should bind us divinely dearer to himself, with a new and inscrutable marvel of love; for the Godhead is still at the root, is the making root of our individuality, and the freer the man, the stronger the bond that binds him to him who made his freedom. He made our wills, and is striving to make them free; for only in the perfection of our individuality and the freedom of our wills can we be altogether his children. This is full of mystery, but can we not see enough in it to make us very glad and very peaceful?

Not in any other act than one which, in spite of impulse or of weakness, declares for the Truth, for God, does the will spring into absolute freedom, into true life.

See, then, what lies within our reach every time that we are thus lapt in the folds of night. The highest condition of the human will is in sight, is attainable. I say not the highest condition of the Human Being; that surely lies in the Beatific Vision, in the sight of God. But the highest condition of the Human Will, as distinct, not as separated from God, is when, not seeing God, not seeming to itself to grasp him at all, it yet holds him fast. It cannot continue in this condition, for, not finding, not seeing God, the man would die; but the will thus asserting itself, the man has passed from death into life, and the vision is nigh at hand. Then first, thus free, in thus asserting its freedom, is the individual will one with the Will of God; the child is finally restored to the father; the childhood and the fatherhood meet in one; the brotherhood of the race arises from the dust; and the prayer of our Lord is answered, "I in them and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one." Let us then arise in God-born strength every time that we feel the darkness closing, or become aware that it has closed around us, and say, "I am of the Light and not of the Darkness."
-The Eloi, George MacDonald

The Paper Kites - St Clarity

Monday, December 2, 2013

12/02/13

Dear 27 year old Adam,

I've just turned 26. The last year of my mid twenties. My 25th year comes to a close and the 26th begins. Greeting from the past! I have an iPhone 5, Breaking Bad just had it's season finale this year. The temporary Fruit of the Vine pantry was used this year. I'm trying to think of things that happened this year that when you read this in the future you will laugh and it will take you back. I'm really into Bon Iver and Avett Brothers right now. I'm using Twitter. That's all I can think of now.

Things I'm doing now:
I was working for Scott doing landscaping up until April when I started at the Vineyard Early Childhood Center. I'm loving working with these kids. I'm in the Rainbow Room which is for the 3-4 year olds. I'm living in Cintonville now with Ellen, Brian, and Travis. At the moment I am again single. I'm not sure the last time I wasn't on my birthday. I still go to the Pantry. In fact the renovations were just finished a couple weeks ago. It looks amazing. I'm about to purchase a guitar and start doing lessons with Travis. I've been growing out my hair for the past 7 months. I finally started seeing Toni, Nathanael's counselor. I started seeing her in the spring then took a break and now I have been going consistently for the past 2 months. I've been helping out at the Franklinton Gardens weekly until it started to get cold and dark early. I'm still going to Better Way on Friday nights.

Things I hope you're doing:
I hope you know how to play guitar now. I hope you aren't single on this birthday although I'd understand if you took this year off from women and continued to work with Toni. I hope Bea and you are talking again. Honestly I hope Bea and you are dating again. But at this point I'd settle for getting the opportunity just to listen to her thoughts and feelings. I hope you haven't wrecked this car. I hope you are still working at the VECC with the kids. I hope you are still going to the pantry at least once a week. I hope you are still writing in this blog. I hope you aren't an angry stubborn dude struggling with self hate. I hope you've learned how to let go of control and how to receive love. I hope you have been growing the beard all year. I hope you haven't cut your hair. I hope you are still going to the gym. I hope you listen far more than you speak.

Things I've learned since turning 25:
I learned that I love New York City. I visited Alan while he was attending school in NYC and instantly fell in love with the place. I'm not sure if I will ever move there but I will definitely make another trip. I learned a bit about life and death. In the spring I totaled my car and even though I walked away from it I gained a bit of perspective. It was crazy realizing that in one uncontrollable moment I could never walk again, maybe never breath again. Life is precious and it goes by fast. Why waste my time taking it so seriously and playing it safe? Why spend life in fear. My grandpa died this past September. It was strange experiencing the first death in my family. The funeral, the cemetery. Seeing my grandmother without her husband for the first time in 64 years, it's a strange thing to understand. I've been seeing Toni and I've been learning so much. I've learned that I am angry man. I've learned I have a lot of self hatred. I've learned that I don't do well in intimate relationships with women. I push them away in fear that they will see who I really am and leave me. I struggle with trust. Trusting other people and trusting God. I live a sort of "if you want it done right you got to do it yourself" lifestyle. I learned that I love Bea. I learned that love must be free. I learned that you can't control everything. I've learned that sometimes when things go bad it isn't 100% my fault. I've learned that I have a gift and a giant heart for children. I've learned a bit more about love. What it looks like, what if feels like. What I want in a wife and what I need. I've learned that grace is a thing that doesn't make sense but yet it doesn't have to.


1987 Born
1988 00
1989 01
1990 02
1991 03
1992 04
1993 05
1994 06 Started Grade School
1995 07
1996 08
1997 09
1998 10
1999 11
2000 12
2001 13
2002 14
2003 15
2004 16
2005 17
2006 18 Graduated High School
2007 19
2008 20
2009 21
2010 22 Graduated College
2011 23
2012 24
2013 25