She's leaving for Colorado Sunday.
It's happening.
She found her way back into my life
and she's leaving Sunday
She wants to be single until Thanksgiving.
She needs to be.
When I feel afraid I feel selfish. I want her to stay, I want her to commit to me. I want her to want and hope for me to wait for her. I'm so afraid.
But how many times has she chosen me? How many times has she missed me, thought of me?
Asked about me? I have so much fear but I know I can trust this woman. She has never given me a reason not to trust her.
I know she loves me VERY much so.
It's my own insecurities that bring up this fear.
I want to wait.
I love this woman.
Thanksgiving is 169 days away.
It had been over 230 days since I saw her last before this past Wednesday.
She even tried to be with someone else.
169 days
This woman loves me, she is crazy about me. Just like I am about her.
Yesterday I skipped work to spend the day with her, hell I spent Sunday with her too...and Saturday...and every single night since we started talking again Wednesday.
It feels so natural.
I feel so understood with her.
I feel known.
Yesterday we went to Mochican we talked and hiked the whole day. It was perfect. Afterwards we ate at Der Dutchman. She was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe. The day was seriously perfect and I'm sure it will be one of my favorite memories.
But I want a hell of a lot more days like that.
This past week has been perfect.
I'll never forget when I helped her get out of a situation that she thought she was in too deep. But I did that for her, it wasn't disgusting, it wasn't too much, it was for her and I'd do anything for that woman.
I have so much clarity now. So much honesty. I've never been this vulnerable with her, with anyone, and it has made all the difference. It doesn't feel like dating, it doesn't feel like friends
it's family
it's love
I want to marry this woman.
I've been so afraid of actually committing to someone for marriage. I always run.
But it isn't scary when I think of marriage with her.
It's exciting.
It's how I want to spend this tiny single life I've been given.
She's who I want to spend it with.
This week has been so high and so low.
This week has confirmed how much I love her. It wasn't just fanaticism, it wasn't that I loved the idea of her. It wasn't that these past eight months my mind had created an idealistic imagine of her. She's real, as hard as it is to believe, she is real and she's beautiful.
But I've come face to face with some of my most vulnerable insecurities.
What if she forgets me?
What if there is someone better?
What if she doesn't like who I am?
What if I fail?
What if I'm not enough?
The thoughts make me want to run.
I want to say fuck this, fuck love, I never want to see you again, leave me and be done.
But I can't.
"And every day I add another stone
To the walls I built around you
To keep you safe
In there, you're safe
And it's true, you'll never beat
But you'll never break"
Hello my old heart. No more stones, no more walls, no more safety.
You might break, and I know now that WILL hurt but God how wonderful it is to let my heart beat.
To let myself feel.
This week has been scary and it will end
But I'm being as vulnerable as I've ever been with anyone with her.
And it's been perfect.
Money is a neutral indicator of value. By aiming to make money, you're aiming to be valuable.
-Derek Sivers
Sivers is full of shit.
Ontogeny is the indicator of value. By being, you're valuable.
-Adam Schuch
Love is the indicator of value.
Do what you love, because that's what you have to give to the world.
I keep trying to hold on to these nights, these moments but fuck I can't. Nothing lasts forever in this world. So I breathe them in, each moment.
It's not that I don't want her to go. It's that I want to be close to her every night. I want morning coffee every day. I want to hear her thoughts and her stress every day. I want to watch her grow. I'm tired of losing her. I'm tired of pushing her away and missing out on her story because of fear.
After these 169 days if she will have me, I won't miss another. I won't.
I want to make her laugh so hard everyday and be so close every night that she will have no choice but to grow to be 250 years old.
She said she missed being called Bea.
She said she loves me
She said she wants to marry me
She said she wants to have my child
I'm going to cry.
I love her, and I can't wait to see her again tonight.
I was sleeping in the garden when I saw you first
He'd put me deep, deep under so that He could work
and like the dawn you broke the dark and my whole earth Schuch
I was sleeping in the garden when I saw you
#nofilter
It's happening.
She found her way back into my life
and she's leaving Sunday
She wants to be single until Thanksgiving.
She needs to be.
When I feel afraid I feel selfish. I want her to stay, I want her to commit to me. I want her to want and hope for me to wait for her. I'm so afraid.
But how many times has she chosen me? How many times has she missed me, thought of me?
Asked about me? I have so much fear but I know I can trust this woman. She has never given me a reason not to trust her.
I know she loves me VERY much so.
It's my own insecurities that bring up this fear.
I want to wait.
I love this woman.
Thanksgiving is 169 days away.
It had been over 230 days since I saw her last before this past Wednesday.
She even tried to be with someone else.
169 days
This woman loves me, she is crazy about me. Just like I am about her.
Yesterday I skipped work to spend the day with her, hell I spent Sunday with her too...and Saturday...and every single night since we started talking again Wednesday.
It feels so natural.
I feel so understood with her.
I feel known.
Yesterday we went to Mochican we talked and hiked the whole day. It was perfect. Afterwards we ate at Der Dutchman. She was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe. The day was seriously perfect and I'm sure it will be one of my favorite memories.
But I want a hell of a lot more days like that.
This past week has been perfect.
I'll never forget when I helped her get out of a situation that she thought she was in too deep. But I did that for her, it wasn't disgusting, it wasn't too much, it was for her and I'd do anything for that woman.
I have so much clarity now. So much honesty. I've never been this vulnerable with her, with anyone, and it has made all the difference. It doesn't feel like dating, it doesn't feel like friends
it's family
it's love
I want to marry this woman.
I've been so afraid of actually committing to someone for marriage. I always run.
But it isn't scary when I think of marriage with her.
It's exciting.
It's how I want to spend this tiny single life I've been given.
She's who I want to spend it with.
This week has been so high and so low.
This week has confirmed how much I love her. It wasn't just fanaticism, it wasn't that I loved the idea of her. It wasn't that these past eight months my mind had created an idealistic imagine of her. She's real, as hard as it is to believe, she is real and she's beautiful.
But I've come face to face with some of my most vulnerable insecurities.
What if she forgets me?
What if there is someone better?
What if she doesn't like who I am?
What if I fail?
What if I'm not enough?
The thoughts make me want to run.
I want to say fuck this, fuck love, I never want to see you again, leave me and be done.
But I can't.
"And every day I add another stone
To the walls I built around you
To keep you safe
In there, you're safe
And it's true, you'll never beat
But you'll never break"
Hello my old heart. No more stones, no more walls, no more safety.
You might break, and I know now that WILL hurt but God how wonderful it is to let my heart beat.
To let myself feel.
This week has been scary and it will end
But I'm being as vulnerable as I've ever been with anyone with her.
And it's been perfect.
Money is a neutral indicator of value. By aiming to make money, you're aiming to be valuable.
-Derek Sivers
Sivers is full of shit.
Ontogeny is the indicator of value. By being, you're valuable.
-Adam Schuch
Love is the indicator of value.
Do what you love, because that's what you have to give to the world.
I keep trying to hold on to these nights, these moments but fuck I can't. Nothing lasts forever in this world. So I breathe them in, each moment.
It's not that I don't want her to go. It's that I want to be close to her every night. I want morning coffee every day. I want to hear her thoughts and her stress every day. I want to watch her grow. I'm tired of losing her. I'm tired of pushing her away and missing out on her story because of fear.
After these 169 days if she will have me, I won't miss another. I won't.
I want to make her laugh so hard everyday and be so close every night that she will have no choice but to grow to be 250 years old.
She said she missed being called Bea.
She said she loves me
She said she wants to marry me
She said she wants to have my child
I'm going to cry.
I love her, and I can't wait to see her again tonight.
I was sleeping in the garden when I saw you first
He'd put me deep, deep under so that He could work
and like the dawn you broke the dark and my whole earth Schuch
I was sleeping in the garden when I saw you
