She has left for Denver one week now.
I am so afraid.
I get so worried.
She says she doesn't want to be there and she just wants to come back home.
I'm nervous those feelings will change the longer she stays and the more her roots begin to dig into that city.
I love her and I want to be with her. I keep trying to make the pieces fit together but it's difficult.
Finish school
Find a place to live out there
Find a job out there
would we be married before I move?
Engaged?
She's on a camping trip with a group of guys.
I feel jealous.
I wish I didn't.
So far we have facetimed every night for at least an hour.
It's one of my favorite parts of my day.
I look forward to seeing her and listening to her thoughts at the end of each day.
It's how I want to end everyday from now on.
But I'm worried.
It's only been a week.
Will she still want to facetime after 4 months?
Will we still have things to say to each other?
All of this stuff makes me really want to run away.
I want to quit this so I can't get hurt.
But I'm not doing that. I'm done running.
I love her.
I want to marry her.
I will not let these stupid fears control my life.
I love Bea
I miss Bea
She said I feel like home.
She said she loves me.
She said she wants to marry me.
She said I am family.
Help me trust, oh God.
She talked to Hattie who thinks she should take a season away from me
She talked to Claire who said she shouldn't ask anyone for advice
She asked me to pray every morning to You, oh God
To pray about our relationship.
I will.
But You know how much I love her God. You know how much I have asked and hoped for one more opportunity to love her. One more chance to try.
And here she is.
I feel so sure of this relationship.
I am sure in my bones I want this woman to be my wife.
I asked You for another chance
Lord knows I've made mistakes. I've ran. I've performed.
But I've grown, I've learned
And I've been shown grace to try again.
Vulnerability doesn't come easy for me God. You know this.
Even encountering You has been such a wrestle.
But as these years pass I continue to gain wisdom.
Each year it is through my failures it is in the rain that I grow.
Not the mountain top but in the valley or rather the ravine of Clintonville.
I'm ready to learn more. I'm ready to take the risk of love.
I should trust this woman. She's never given me reason not to.
But fuck I am so afraid.
She is so far away and I have messed up so much in the past.
But she loves me.
She does.
She tells me everyday she tells me multiple times a day.
Losing something worth this much will hurt too much, I want to run, I want to quit
I will not.
I want to experience what You have for me.
I want to experience love, Lean into it and taste more than I have ever allowed myself before.
I'm ready to risk the vulnerability it costs to experience love oh God, to experience You.
She hasn't committed to me yet, this scares me
She might take a season of singleness away from me, this scares me
but she tells me she loves me
love
family
home
these are not light words
She is not one to toss these around carelessly
She knows me and she knows the weight and definition of these terms to me
and she says them with such sincerity and consistency
Why am I so afraid?
These are the issues I've been waiting to wrestle with You on
I will stay in this.
I will stay
I love Bea.
I trust Bea.
I think I really do trust her.
I think trusting her is worse than being paranoid and jealous.
Trusting someone is when they can hurt you the most.
It is in the trust that betrayal hurts the most. Not when you suspect something, not when you assume it is coming, no it is when complete and pure trust is in full effect that is when it hurts the most.
To completely let your guard down.
To lower your defenses and let that person completely in.
That's when they can do the most damage.
I think I let her walk in.
I trust her.
Peyton commented on her IG post
She's in a bikini drinking on a boat with random dudes
She hasn't publicly or even privately committed to me
Yet I trust her.
When she says she loves me and only wants me I believe that.
It's terrifying but it's true.
I trust this woman.
It's like I opened my gates to let in the Trojan horse knowing full well that inside of it waits an army ready to rip apart everything I am from the inside out and yet here I am wheeling this thing into the center of my city.
Because I want to. Because I trust her. Because I love her.
I want her in my walls. She feels safe. She feels safe enough to be inside the city walls knowing she will not do harm but rather she will understand and appreciate. Work with me, not against me.
ugh, what am I doing? We aren't even dating yet, she could ditch me, she could torch the city. Burn everything to the fucking ground...
But fuck it to love is to risk.
I love Bea, I want her to have it all.
I trust her.
One week down.
Said The Whale - Loveless