Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
It's been around four months on Tinder. On average I've been on about a date a week. Ballpark, that's roughly 20 women I've met. I was semi interested in two of those women both of them ghosted me. Thursday night I decided to surrender the fight. I give up.
Seasonal affective disorder is starting to kick in once again the cold dark days of January the endless first dates with people I feel nothing towards.
I want to be a dad so badly but I don't want to be with any of these women.
I give up. I deleted the damn app and I'm slowly accepting it.
The only woman I could potentially have strong feelings towards is, of course, married.
I'm done. I have one more week of work before student teaching begins and my income drops to 0.
I will be forced to spend the winter and most of the spring trapped in my house to conserve money.
The family made it very clear that I shouldn't ask for money, although their words spoke of generosity their whole demeanor as long as I have been a member has said otherwise. I'd rather live on the streets and panhandle bus fare to get to my student teaching school than ask my family to help me financially.
I don't know call that pride of a man but for whatever reason the thought of it makes me ill.
I feel like I've spent all of my 20's as a poor college student except with not much to show for it.
Amorelle texted me this week telling me she knew a girl that I should meet.
I hate when friends try to set me up.
Getting a date has never been the issue, it's the feeling, feeling something for someone is the issue.
The girl is friends with Maddie which of course I can't stand that woman and I realized I'm also terrible at making new friends.
Fuck it.
This must be the seasonal depression talking because I feel so defeated right now. So emo.
If I have to go on one more first date I'm going to lock myself in my room and hibernate until spring when the days are longer the plants begin to come back to life and there is the sense of hope once again.
Winter isn't all bad though. I do love how strangely quiet the snow seems to make the world. I love how still and at rest everything seems to be. Winter strips away all of life's performances all of the world's impressive attempts at attracting this or that for their own gain.
Flowers bloom to attract insects in order to spread and pollinate
Trees out stretch their beautiful leaves to grab the rays of the sun
Animals come out to perform and show strength in order to win a mate
But in the winter all the fake is tossed away. The squirrels become fat. The trees lose their leaves exposing how thin they truly are. The flowers wither and die hoping the seeds of the next generation are laying in wait for spring's rain.
All seasons have their beauty, all seasons have their ugly.
But what is ugly to some other life depends upon it.
Decomposition to the worm is a special kind of beauty we humans cannot appreciate at the same level.
I just have to make it to March for the Colorado trip.
Trudge the snow to reach a few rocky mountain summits.
I found out I will be teaching 3rd grade at Leawood Elementary in Columbus City schools.
That starts the 17th. I'm very excited to begin the last chapter in my path to becoming a teacher.
Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
I think about the time John Muir and Emerson met in the Yosemite Valley. The way John viewed Emerson and his friends. I wonder the perspective Ralph had on Muir. I wonder who lived the better life. Is there a better? Is there a right answer?
dodie - Sick of Losing Soulmates
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
It's been around four months on Tinder. On average I've been on about a date a week. Ballpark, that's roughly 20 women I've met. I was semi interested in two of those women both of them ghosted me. Thursday night I decided to surrender the fight. I give up.
Seasonal affective disorder is starting to kick in once again the cold dark days of January the endless first dates with people I feel nothing towards.
I want to be a dad so badly but I don't want to be with any of these women.
I give up. I deleted the damn app and I'm slowly accepting it.
The only woman I could potentially have strong feelings towards is, of course, married.
I'm done. I have one more week of work before student teaching begins and my income drops to 0.
I will be forced to spend the winter and most of the spring trapped in my house to conserve money.
The family made it very clear that I shouldn't ask for money, although their words spoke of generosity their whole demeanor as long as I have been a member has said otherwise. I'd rather live on the streets and panhandle bus fare to get to my student teaching school than ask my family to help me financially.
I don't know call that pride of a man but for whatever reason the thought of it makes me ill.
I feel like I've spent all of my 20's as a poor college student except with not much to show for it.
Amorelle texted me this week telling me she knew a girl that I should meet.
I hate when friends try to set me up.
Getting a date has never been the issue, it's the feeling, feeling something for someone is the issue.
The girl is friends with Maddie which of course I can't stand that woman and I realized I'm also terrible at making new friends.
Fuck it.
This must be the seasonal depression talking because I feel so defeated right now. So emo.
If I have to go on one more first date I'm going to lock myself in my room and hibernate until spring when the days are longer the plants begin to come back to life and there is the sense of hope once again.
Winter isn't all bad though. I do love how strangely quiet the snow seems to make the world. I love how still and at rest everything seems to be. Winter strips away all of life's performances all of the world's impressive attempts at attracting this or that for their own gain.
Flowers bloom to attract insects in order to spread and pollinate
Trees out stretch their beautiful leaves to grab the rays of the sun
Animals come out to perform and show strength in order to win a mate
But in the winter all the fake is tossed away. The squirrels become fat. The trees lose their leaves exposing how thin they truly are. The flowers wither and die hoping the seeds of the next generation are laying in wait for spring's rain.
All seasons have their beauty, all seasons have their ugly.
But what is ugly to some other life depends upon it.
Decomposition to the worm is a special kind of beauty we humans cannot appreciate at the same level.
I just have to make it to March for the Colorado trip.
Trudge the snow to reach a few rocky mountain summits.
I found out I will be teaching 3rd grade at Leawood Elementary in Columbus City schools.
That starts the 17th. I'm very excited to begin the last chapter in my path to becoming a teacher.
Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
I think about the time John Muir and Emerson met in the Yosemite Valley. The way John viewed Emerson and his friends. I wonder the perspective Ralph had on Muir. I wonder who lived the better life. Is there a better? Is there a right answer?
dodie - Sick of Losing Soulmates