You Only Find Love When You Stop Looking For It
what a horrible cliché
The start of the month I deleted that terrible dating app
I went on too many dates feeling no spark for any of them
I was physically connecting with women I felt no connection too
Then I find someone
Not exactly find
We met last summer
Love is a very strong if not the strongest word, I'm certainly not anywhere near using that word
but spark is certainly an understatement.
I'm not sure what it is
All that matters,
all that I know,
I like it, I want more of it
I want to see her more
We never seem to have enough time to run out of things to say
when we meet
Isn't that what matters?
To connect
to share
share life
share thoughts
share experiences
to share yourself with someone
isn't that love
isn't that sex?
I'm not sure what I'm doing
I shouldn't have caught feelings
I don't think this can even happen
I want it to happen
But I promised to keep an open mind while dating while I can't be given what I deserve
But it's hard to want to date
It's hard to want to go on dates
It was bad enough before with women I felt no connection with
Now to continue while a spark of something potential sits in my gut
I'm afraid we will miss each other
If it's meant to be, it's meant to be
Is that a real thing or do we need to kick down doors to get what we want?
Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty... I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.
-Theodore Roosevelt
That feels like the truer truth.
I feel that in my bones.
Nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy. Remember that.
-Nicholas Spark
I'll spare my cynical thoughts on the writer Nicholas Spark but my taste for his work doesn't negate the truth of his words.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
This is such an adult problem.
The older we get the more serious everything in our lives become.
Back as a kid if we lost a job it was just a crappy job
now it's a career
back as a kid if we forgot a chore the garbage would just pile up
now it's a foreclosure notice
back as a kid if we broke up it was a simple high school fling
now it's divorce
The older we get the more our decisions affect the people we care about
Our choices can really hurt people
What am I doing?
What should I do?
I'm torn between two paths
there is the social noble path, there is the gentleman polite and nice path
but that path isn't authentic, if I am being truly honest with myself that path isn't what is in my bones in my guts. I wouldn't be living honestly if I didn't try for the effort, pain, difficulty, the risk.
Life is happening
we are in all reality dust
a speck on the map of both time and space
I want to lead a difficult life and lead it well.
I want to pursue the things that make my heart beat
That give bumps down my skin.
There's an older man who stands in a buffet line,
He is smiling and he's holding out his plate,
And the further he looks back into his timeline
That hard road always led him to today,
Making up for when his bright future had left him
Making up for the fact his only son is gone,
And letting everything out once, his server asks him
"Have you figured out yet, what it is you want?"
I want a little bit of everything
The biscuits and the beans
Whatever helps me to forget about
The things that brought me to my knees
So pile on those mashed potatoes
And an extra chicken wing
I'm having a little bit of everything
This life is all that we have and none of it is promised.
I could have a tumor growing in my brain as I type this right now.
I could very easily never see 30
Never get the chance to touch my retirement roth IRA
I don't want to stand in the buffet line piling on the comfort food to forget about the cowardly way I played this singular life so safe.
Maybe I'm way to emotional, maybe it's this shit that makes all of these perfectly nice women I've been on dates with seem so wrong. But if I get the chance to feel something in my heart towards a woman I need to take that shot. I need to at least try.
I believe the point of life is to be walked out.
All of it every bit of it to walk it out and to know
to taste and see
I've never asked to be Einstein, or DiMaggio, I want to live a simple life. I want to work in a Columbus City Elementary School for 30 some years, I want to live in the community I teach in. I want to work the land I own to cultivate the food my family eats. I want a wife I've chosen over all other women. Not Settled for, not comfortable and familiar but chosen, desired. I want children with that woman. I want grandchildren to fill my house in that same Columbus community I worked in as I help the next generation of my family grow in my retirement.
And the further I look back into my timeline I don't want to settle for not blowing my brains out, I want to weep at the beauty of the family and community, love has created. I don't want the world to ever know my name. I don't want a tombstone or a grave marker, I want to be buried in the soil and a sequoia planted above me. I want my body to return to soil and that soil to be the nutrients for a tree that will stand for thousands of years.
She is beautiful
she is so rare
she is married
I like the way she talks about the rain, I like how much she has traveled, I like her gentle spirit, I like her awareness of her own little bubble and her desire to break out. I like the way she helps me study for my tests. I like the way she feels about music. I like when she looks at me. I like when she opens up to me when she puts the walls down. I like that she's awkward. I like that she hates compliments, but she's working on that. I like the way she reads and cares about issues. I like the way she wants to help. Her heart seems so right. I want to know more about her.
But she's fucking married.
What the hell do I know about marriage?
What right do I have to talk to a married woman?
I told her I would give her space
space
the thing I seem to find myself giving the women I want none of it with
I need to be picked
but...marriage...that's such a heavy thing
I think about Doug and Sara
I think about Susan and David
I think about the way I feel with her
Looking at other people's paths, why do we do this?
Why don't we each walk our own?
What is love, marriage, commitment?
This space fucking sucks. I want to ask her about her day. I want to hear her vent about how she hates her job and how grad school is killing her slowly. I want to hear about the things that bring her life. I want to hear about the places she wants to go, the adventures she wants to go on.
I can't seem to get the image of her standing beside my car in the streetlight out of my mind.
that grey sweatshirt, those faded jeans with the slip ons, her hair pulled back perfectly in a ponytail, those big brown eyes and that smile.
I can't stop thinking about it, wondering the 'what ifs'
I wanted to grab her, press her against my car and kiss her.
I wanted to squeeze her for the whole night
but how could I?
It wouldn't be right
She's fucking married
So now I'm stuck checking notifications on my phone and day dreaming about that moment by my car
what else could I have done?
What choice did I have?
If I wanted any sort of honest chance with this woman I had to walk away, I had to stay away and now I have to give space.
Giving s p a c e.
So here we are,
apart.
I want to express myself to my friends.
I want to tell the people close to me in my life
But none of them will listen
None of them will understand they will all be disappointed and disgusted with me
I'm trapped in my own head with all of this stuff.
So here I am expressing and writing it all out on here
What else can I do?
I miss talking to her.
I want a woman who makes me feel something, she makes me feel something.
She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
Sara Bareilles - She Used To Be Mine
what a horrible cliché
The start of the month I deleted that terrible dating app
I went on too many dates feeling no spark for any of them
I was physically connecting with women I felt no connection too
Then I find someone
Not exactly find
We met last summer
Love is a very strong if not the strongest word, I'm certainly not anywhere near using that word
but spark is certainly an understatement.
I'm not sure what it is
All that matters,
all that I know,
I like it, I want more of it
I want to see her more
We never seem to have enough time to run out of things to say
when we meet
Isn't that what matters?
To connect
to share
share life
share thoughts
share experiences
to share yourself with someone
isn't that love
isn't that sex?
I'm not sure what I'm doing
I shouldn't have caught feelings
I don't think this can even happen
I want it to happen
But I promised to keep an open mind while dating while I can't be given what I deserve
But it's hard to want to date
It's hard to want to go on dates
It was bad enough before with women I felt no connection with
Now to continue while a spark of something potential sits in my gut
I'm afraid we will miss each other
If it's meant to be, it's meant to be
Is that a real thing or do we need to kick down doors to get what we want?
Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty... I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.
-Theodore Roosevelt
That feels like the truer truth.
I feel that in my bones.
Nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy. Remember that.
-Nicholas Spark
I'll spare my cynical thoughts on the writer Nicholas Spark but my taste for his work doesn't negate the truth of his words.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
This is such an adult problem.
The older we get the more serious everything in our lives become.
Back as a kid if we lost a job it was just a crappy job
now it's a career
back as a kid if we forgot a chore the garbage would just pile up
now it's a foreclosure notice
back as a kid if we broke up it was a simple high school fling
now it's divorce
The older we get the more our decisions affect the people we care about
Our choices can really hurt people
What am I doing?
What should I do?
I'm torn between two paths
there is the social noble path, there is the gentleman polite and nice path
but that path isn't authentic, if I am being truly honest with myself that path isn't what is in my bones in my guts. I wouldn't be living honestly if I didn't try for the effort, pain, difficulty, the risk.
Life is happening
we are in all reality dust
a speck on the map of both time and space
I want to lead a difficult life and lead it well.
I want to pursue the things that make my heart beat
That give bumps down my skin.
There's an older man who stands in a buffet line,
He is smiling and he's holding out his plate,
And the further he looks back into his timeline
That hard road always led him to today,
Making up for when his bright future had left him
Making up for the fact his only son is gone,
And letting everything out once, his server asks him
"Have you figured out yet, what it is you want?"
I want a little bit of everything
The biscuits and the beans
Whatever helps me to forget about
The things that brought me to my knees
So pile on those mashed potatoes
And an extra chicken wing
I'm having a little bit of everything
This life is all that we have and none of it is promised.
I could have a tumor growing in my brain as I type this right now.
I could very easily never see 30
Never get the chance to touch my retirement roth IRA
I don't want to stand in the buffet line piling on the comfort food to forget about the cowardly way I played this singular life so safe.
Maybe I'm way to emotional, maybe it's this shit that makes all of these perfectly nice women I've been on dates with seem so wrong. But if I get the chance to feel something in my heart towards a woman I need to take that shot. I need to at least try.
I believe the point of life is to be walked out.
All of it every bit of it to walk it out and to know
to taste and see
When you are young, your potential is infinite. You might do anything, really. You might be Einstein. You might be DiMaggio. Then you get to an age where what you might be gives way to what you have been. You weren't Einstein. You weren't anything. That's a bad moment...
...I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator.
-Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
I've never asked to be Einstein, or DiMaggio, I want to live a simple life. I want to work in a Columbus City Elementary School for 30 some years, I want to live in the community I teach in. I want to work the land I own to cultivate the food my family eats. I want a wife I've chosen over all other women. Not Settled for, not comfortable and familiar but chosen, desired. I want children with that woman. I want grandchildren to fill my house in that same Columbus community I worked in as I help the next generation of my family grow in my retirement.
And the further I look back into my timeline I don't want to settle for not blowing my brains out, I want to weep at the beauty of the family and community, love has created. I don't want the world to ever know my name. I don't want a tombstone or a grave marker, I want to be buried in the soil and a sequoia planted above me. I want my body to return to soil and that soil to be the nutrients for a tree that will stand for thousands of years.
She is beautiful
she is so rare
she is married
I like the way she talks about the rain, I like how much she has traveled, I like her gentle spirit, I like her awareness of her own little bubble and her desire to break out. I like the way she helps me study for my tests. I like the way she feels about music. I like when she looks at me. I like when she opens up to me when she puts the walls down. I like that she's awkward. I like that she hates compliments, but she's working on that. I like the way she reads and cares about issues. I like the way she wants to help. Her heart seems so right. I want to know more about her.
But she's fucking married.
What the hell do I know about marriage?
What right do I have to talk to a married woman?
I told her I would give her space
space
the thing I seem to find myself giving the women I want none of it with
I need to be picked
but...marriage...that's such a heavy thing
I think about Doug and Sara
I think about Susan and David
I think about the way I feel with her
Looking at other people's paths, why do we do this?
Why don't we each walk our own?
What is love, marriage, commitment?
This space fucking sucks. I want to ask her about her day. I want to hear her vent about how she hates her job and how grad school is killing her slowly. I want to hear about the things that bring her life. I want to hear about the places she wants to go, the adventures she wants to go on.
I can't seem to get the image of her standing beside my car in the streetlight out of my mind.
that grey sweatshirt, those faded jeans with the slip ons, her hair pulled back perfectly in a ponytail, those big brown eyes and that smile.
I can't stop thinking about it, wondering the 'what ifs'
I wanted to grab her, press her against my car and kiss her.
I wanted to squeeze her for the whole night
but how could I?
It wouldn't be right
She's fucking married
So now I'm stuck checking notifications on my phone and day dreaming about that moment by my car
what else could I have done?
What choice did I have?
If I wanted any sort of honest chance with this woman I had to walk away, I had to stay away and now I have to give space.
Giving s p a c e.
So here we are,
apart.
I want to express myself to my friends.
I want to tell the people close to me in my life
But none of them will listen
None of them will understand they will all be disappointed and disgusted with me
I'm trapped in my own head with all of this stuff.
So here I am expressing and writing it all out on here
What else can I do?
I miss talking to her.
I want a woman who makes me feel something, she makes me feel something.
She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
Sara Bareilles - She Used To Be Mine