03/05/17

Wisdom from the Voodoo child

I think I'm done for a while. The dumbass romantic in me keeps telling myself the one for me is right around the river bend. The woman who connects with me on an emotional level the woman who sees what I see when the sun calmly sets, the trees bloom or the stars silently display. The one who cares about the planet and wants to see all of it. The one who cares about human rights and wants to fight against human trafficking, child soldiers, sweatshops, sexism, racism, and poverty. The one who becomes inspired by books and poetry, who sees the value in human expression through the arts, painting and performance. The one who is moved to the bones by the same music as I. One I can lay beside know and be known. Home.

But the reality is I go on a date a week with a new woman, she wants to talk about her nail salon, her netflix show, her stories of her friends getting wasted on the weekends. The reality is I keep having sex with women I feel no deeper connection with hoping something within me will stir even just enough of a flint spark to fan into something more. The reality is the few women I have felt this dumbass connection with have broken promises and left, or vowed themselves to someone else.

Each time I feel that voice behind my ear telling me to give up I press it down and I keep hope for one more date, one more person, all I need is to feel those two words we all hope to feel deep within our souls when we think about the person we want to share our lives with, "me too."

Me too.

That moment in the conversation where at last you feel deeply understood. Not simply that your message is being received correctly. Not that my words are understood and placed in the perfect order and phrasing. Something more intangible than that. It is that moment during the conversation when you realize you are not only being heard, being understood but that this person sees and shares the value in those words.

This person doesn't simply think it's cute you want to teach elementary students but she sees the 'why' she sees the hope and the value in education the right every child no matter their neighborhood or home life has to a quality education that cultivates curiosity and care.
This person doesn't simply like the music you like but she feels the music the way you do.
This person doesn't just hear your thoughts on systemic poverty or oppression but feels a fire of rage inside her gut just as you do.

But maybe that voice is right. Maybe it is time to give up. Maybe I'm being too picky. Maybe I'm looking too hard. The dream of finding someone to share life with, to start building something together while in my 20's is slowly slipping through my fingers. A new decade of life is 9 short months away.

Erikson's 6th stage of human development keeps pounding behind my brain pushing back against the voice to give it a rest.

Intimacy vs. isolation - This is the first stage of adult development. This development usually happens during young adulthood, which is between the ages of 18 to 35. Dating, marriage, family and friendships are important during the stage in their life. By successfully forming loving relationships with other people, individuals are able to experience love and intimacy. Those who fail to form lasting relationships may feel isolated and alone.

Those who fail... Those who fail, I don't want to be those who fail, but more than that I don't want to be those who succeed but feel nothing for the person beside them at night after a decade or so of marriage. I refuse to leave this stage of development with isolation. But after 11 of the 17 years finding myself single, growing further apart from my already distant family, and continuing to find less and less interest in drinking beer and watching sports with my squad I'm starting to get anxious.

I'm done.
I think I'm done for a while. I will not surrender to isolation in this stage but for now I will admit defeat. This most recent one has made a mess of me more than I'd like to admit. It was always easier knowing I fucked up the past ones. I treated Whitney like garbage as a teenager not understanding what it means to date another human. I put up walls around Kelly pushing her away in order to protect myself. But this... I did nothing wrong she vowed to another man and in a way I could frame that as the fault being mine. But in the same sense it wasn't. I was the most honest I've ever been to someone with her. It was circumstances beyond anything I could control.

Wisdom is the fruit borne from the seeds of mistakes grown in the rain.

Another season another harvest of wisdom. This harvest hurts a bit more and after I gather up all the fruit from it I will retreat. I am done for a while. A month, a year, a few years, I'm not sure but I'll use this time to sharpen my new skills as a teacher and spend yet another summer healing in the garden. Saturday mornings pulling weeds with the neighbor kids watching new life grow all around me, tasting the many flavors the Earth offers up and consuming the beauty of the flowers and colors of the garden in the middle of the city I love.

But the more you push it
The more it's pushing you back, So,
You can't rush your healing
Darkness has its teachings
Love is never leaving
You can't rush your healing

Trevor Hall - You Can't Rush Your Healing