Granted.
How do I accurately and fully express my feelings towards an other?
Otherness, this idea of free will and freedom, one of my most fundamental beliefs. It is one of the cornerstones that makes Adam Adam. One of my earliest wrestling of this idea was written down over five years ago on here February 19th 2012. My theology may have changed a lot over the past five years but this wrestling with otherness certainly hasn't. It was only gotten more interesting to me.
Trust, otherness, respect, and affection
These are very real and very internal feelings.
the self
only the self truly knows how I trust, and my affections
the other
This is the person I want to express these internal feelings towards
but they have their own interpretations and expectations.
transmitting
trusting
receiving
transmitter trust
The four step process I wrote about back in February of 2015.
I actually still strongly believe everything I wrote on that day, in fact I'm actually impressed I was able to express my thoughts so well in that letter. I usually feel frustrated that I've only accomplished expressing 10% of how I feel but there I feel expressed and hopefully heard.
But now over two years later I'd like to amend my thoughts. I'd like to talk about another risk in communication.
All is communication. Even when you believe you aren't sending a message it could be received as a message. Silence is a form of communication. What ever I'm not intending on sending a message of neglect but in that absence of a message there is an interpretation of neglect. a receiving of a message unsent. It's a risk we all must take.
I think at this point in my life my biggest fear is appropriately expressing to this other how I feel successfully.
For instance her birthday is 64 days away.
I want to give her something for her birthday that expresses exactly how important she is to me, how she makes me feel, how grateful I am she's in my life. How amazing of a person she is, how she makes me feel when I'm stressed, how happy I am when I'm with her, how her eyes make me feel when they look in mine, how being next to her, how listening to her about her work, her family, her friends, gives me a calm satisfaction, how she enjoys being with my friends, how she's so easy to get along with, how we don't fight, how she laughs when I quote Juicy from Notorious B.I.G. how she makes me laugh, how she swears she can be sexy in all of her awkwardness. How she wants to explore with me, how she enjoys apple picking and pie baking, how she wants to see me nearly every night exactly as much as I want to see her.
But how do I give her something that expresses that?
She has so much money anything she's been wanting she just buys it herself?
And getting her more stuff isn't a good expression of what she means to me
What do I get the woman that has everything and means so much to me?
Oh Wonder tickets? She's seen them twice on her own
Tickets to see Waitress her favorite musical? Not only has she already seen it but she's already bought her own tickets to see it in November.
64 days to transmit a message that is appropriately received.
To not take her for granted.
I know a birthday present isn't the be all end all it's a symptom of the anxiety I am starting to feel towards her... now that we've been seeing each other since sometime in August sooner or later I'm going to mess up, I'm going to fail to express her value to her. I'm going to take her for granted. I'm going to hurt her. And inevitably I'm going to lose her. But I really like her I want her to not simply hear that from me but I want her to know that within her and I want her to trust that.
I don't know how to do that and I'm afraid I'll grow complacent.
I want to continue to learn more and more about this incredibly complex and wonderful woman and I want to know how best to express to her what she means in a way she will receive the message rather than a way I prefer to send the message.
I'm so afraid.
Build It Better - Aron Wright
Finished my 7th week.
How do I accurately and fully express my feelings towards an other?
Otherness, this idea of free will and freedom, one of my most fundamental beliefs. It is one of the cornerstones that makes Adam Adam. One of my earliest wrestling of this idea was written down over five years ago on here February 19th 2012. My theology may have changed a lot over the past five years but this wrestling with otherness certainly hasn't. It was only gotten more interesting to me.
Trust, otherness, respect, and affection
These are very real and very internal feelings.
the self
only the self truly knows how I trust, and my affections
the other
This is the person I want to express these internal feelings towards
but they have their own interpretations and expectations.
transmitting
trusting
receiving
transmitter trust
The four step process I wrote about back in February of 2015.
I actually still strongly believe everything I wrote on that day, in fact I'm actually impressed I was able to express my thoughts so well in that letter. I usually feel frustrated that I've only accomplished expressing 10% of how I feel but there I feel expressed and hopefully heard.
But now over two years later I'd like to amend my thoughts. I'd like to talk about another risk in communication.
All is communication. Even when you believe you aren't sending a message it could be received as a message. Silence is a form of communication. What ever I'm not intending on sending a message of neglect but in that absence of a message there is an interpretation of neglect. a receiving of a message unsent. It's a risk we all must take.
I think at this point in my life my biggest fear is appropriately expressing to this other how I feel successfully.
For instance her birthday is 64 days away.
I want to give her something for her birthday that expresses exactly how important she is to me, how she makes me feel, how grateful I am she's in my life. How amazing of a person she is, how she makes me feel when I'm stressed, how happy I am when I'm with her, how her eyes make me feel when they look in mine, how being next to her, how listening to her about her work, her family, her friends, gives me a calm satisfaction, how she enjoys being with my friends, how she's so easy to get along with, how we don't fight, how she laughs when I quote Juicy from Notorious B.I.G. how she makes me laugh, how she swears she can be sexy in all of her awkwardness. How she wants to explore with me, how she enjoys apple picking and pie baking, how she wants to see me nearly every night exactly as much as I want to see her.
But how do I give her something that expresses that?
She has so much money anything she's been wanting she just buys it herself?
And getting her more stuff isn't a good expression of what she means to me
What do I get the woman that has everything and means so much to me?
Oh Wonder tickets? She's seen them twice on her own
Tickets to see Waitress her favorite musical? Not only has she already seen it but she's already bought her own tickets to see it in November.
64 days to transmit a message that is appropriately received.
To not take her for granted.
I know a birthday present isn't the be all end all it's a symptom of the anxiety I am starting to feel towards her... now that we've been seeing each other since sometime in August sooner or later I'm going to mess up, I'm going to fail to express her value to her. I'm going to take her for granted. I'm going to hurt her. And inevitably I'm going to lose her. But I really like her I want her to not simply hear that from me but I want her to know that within her and I want her to trust that.
I don't know how to do that and I'm afraid I'll grow complacent.
I want to continue to learn more and more about this incredibly complex and wonderful woman and I want to know how best to express to her what she means in a way she will receive the message rather than a way I prefer to send the message.
I'm so afraid.
Build It Better - Aron Wright
Finished my 7th week.
