This weekend was definitely not one of my greats
Friday night started out with Tem landing from a business trip so I left from catching up with Vanessa and Mike to see her. I got to her place she was already in bed I felt pretty rejected and on top of that she informed me that if I couldn't fulfill her needs while she was away that she would find another guy who could. Who knows how much she talks to her ex-husband while shes on these trips. Saturday I visited my parents as if the night before wasn't enough of an example of relationship fears spending time with my parents alone in sparsely populated Fulton County didn't do me any favors.
I was hurt by what Tem said and her actions the night before but I missed her so I came back to Columbus that same day. I texted her asking if I could see her (earlier in the day I told her I think I should take some space for the weekend) She texted back and told me I should take my space, that it would suck because she would be gone most of Sunday but that it was what I asked for. I didn't want to fight her on the issue so I sat in my home getting some things done and relaxing to spend the night in alone. A few hours went by and she messaged me again asking when I would be over...I misunderstood her text earlier she had been waiting for me to go over to her place. I arrived at the end of this emotional 24 hours and we sat on her couch talking.
Sunday morning she left to visit her parents and I went back to my place to lesson plan. I spent the day putting in 3rd quarter grades and preparing for the short week before spring break. Got groceries, showered, and was ready for the work week. Tem and I got chipotle for dinner and went to her place. Alicia had texted me asking if I would reply to living with her this August. She asked 3 weeks ago March 4th I held off because Tem and I have basically been living together for the past 4 and a half months. I asked Tem what I should tell Alicia Tem said we needed to discuss some things first. We looked for a new apartment together for an hour or more after the search Tem informed me that it wasn't exactly a discussion and that she did not want to live with me. I felt hurt and very confused.
For probably the past 176 days or so we have spent every night we could together. Our apartments are roughly 2,112 feet apart. I've probably made that trip 5 times a week for the past 25 weeks both ways. That's 528,000 feet which equals out to exactly 100 miles of walking back and forth between our apartments. I wake up next to this woman I walk that 2,112 feet back to my house put on work clothes, make coffee and head to work. When I leave work I drive to my house eat, shower, and change then walk back to her apartment to stay the night and repeat the routine. Unless I have to get up early to go to the gym. Then she comes to my apartment and is forced out of bed at 6:30 where she drives back to her bed to continue to sleep for another hour or more. That 2,112 feet is basically an outdoor hallway to my closet and pantry. Tem pays $1,375.00 a month for her apartment entirely on her own. I couldn't understand why she'd prefer to pay $687.50 a month or $8,250.00 for a year to continue to travel those 2,112 feet back and forth back and forth. There are 493 days until August 1st 2019 which is now the soonest date we could move in together. That's 1,478,400 feet of travel between my apartment and hers I will make in that time if I continue to visit her at the rate I have been for the past five months. 280 miles. 280 miles for me to walk and $8,250.00 dollars for her to spend.
She told me her friends when they were younger had bad experiences moving in too early with boyfriends. She also said I've never lived with a girlfriend before so I have no idea what to expect.
She told me because I used the term 'roommate' that I wasn't ready.
She said because I haven't used the word 'love' yet that I wasn't ready.
No discussion.
Rejected.
It's frustrating to me and I've been struggling to move past this choice. I guess she never thought that maybe there's a reason I never moved in with a girlfriend...maybe I understand exactly what to expect and that is EXACTLY why I wasn't dumb enough to rush into moving in with someone like her friends seemed to have. Maybe I understand exactly what the word love means. Maybe a one year lease with someone is easier to get out of than those words. Maybe I know EXACTLY what that word means to me and what it means to be given to someone. Maybe I want that moment to be right, not rushed, not out of routine, comfort, or because an arbitrary amount of time has passed where society has deemed it appropriate for that word to be tossed back and forth. Maybe I want to wait for a moment on a mountain during sunset, or a perfect day in Iceland. Maybe I want to wait until it's warm and the stars are out. Or maybe I want to wait until her marriage with another man she said she loved is legally dissolved. It's as if I am penalized for not senselessly living with people I'm not ready to live with when I was younger. It's as if I am penalized for not senselessly throwing a word around that means a great deal.
We've been living together for the past 176 days and there is still another 128 days before August 1st.
But it wasn't a discussion. My thoughts and my feelings were predetermined for me by a group of women in a group chat. Even to think the sole purpose of me moving in was financial which not only makes me feel ridiculously sleazy, shallow, and insulted but doesn't even make logical sense. If I live with Alicia I'll pay $550 in rent. If I moved in with Tem I'd pay $687.50 a month. I'd be spending $1,650 more that year. It makes me feel like Tem has no idea the kind of man I am...she has no idea about my character.
The more and more I think about this situation the more frustrated and insulted I feel. I'm trying, I'm really trying to move past this but it's something my brain can't seem to comprehend. I wish she would have said she wanted to spend more time living a lone after her previous relationship ended but even that doesn't make logical sense since we spend 7 nights a week sleeping together. Even on the nights I hang out with my friends, or she hangs out with hers she or I will literally just come over to sleep next to one another...
ugh I need to stop thinking about this. This weekend was a shit show to say the least. I'm looking forward to spending some time away in Seattle this weekend with my friends.
Friday night started out with Tem landing from a business trip so I left from catching up with Vanessa and Mike to see her. I got to her place she was already in bed I felt pretty rejected and on top of that she informed me that if I couldn't fulfill her needs while she was away that she would find another guy who could. Who knows how much she talks to her ex-husband while shes on these trips. Saturday I visited my parents as if the night before wasn't enough of an example of relationship fears spending time with my parents alone in sparsely populated Fulton County didn't do me any favors.
I was hurt by what Tem said and her actions the night before but I missed her so I came back to Columbus that same day. I texted her asking if I could see her (earlier in the day I told her I think I should take some space for the weekend) She texted back and told me I should take my space, that it would suck because she would be gone most of Sunday but that it was what I asked for. I didn't want to fight her on the issue so I sat in my home getting some things done and relaxing to spend the night in alone. A few hours went by and she messaged me again asking when I would be over...I misunderstood her text earlier she had been waiting for me to go over to her place. I arrived at the end of this emotional 24 hours and we sat on her couch talking.
Sunday morning she left to visit her parents and I went back to my place to lesson plan. I spent the day putting in 3rd quarter grades and preparing for the short week before spring break. Got groceries, showered, and was ready for the work week. Tem and I got chipotle for dinner and went to her place. Alicia had texted me asking if I would reply to living with her this August. She asked 3 weeks ago March 4th I held off because Tem and I have basically been living together for the past 4 and a half months. I asked Tem what I should tell Alicia Tem said we needed to discuss some things first. We looked for a new apartment together for an hour or more after the search Tem informed me that it wasn't exactly a discussion and that she did not want to live with me. I felt hurt and very confused.
For probably the past 176 days or so we have spent every night we could together. Our apartments are roughly 2,112 feet apart. I've probably made that trip 5 times a week for the past 25 weeks both ways. That's 528,000 feet which equals out to exactly 100 miles of walking back and forth between our apartments. I wake up next to this woman I walk that 2,112 feet back to my house put on work clothes, make coffee and head to work. When I leave work I drive to my house eat, shower, and change then walk back to her apartment to stay the night and repeat the routine. Unless I have to get up early to go to the gym. Then she comes to my apartment and is forced out of bed at 6:30 where she drives back to her bed to continue to sleep for another hour or more. That 2,112 feet is basically an outdoor hallway to my closet and pantry. Tem pays $1,375.00 a month for her apartment entirely on her own. I couldn't understand why she'd prefer to pay $687.50 a month or $8,250.00 for a year to continue to travel those 2,112 feet back and forth back and forth. There are 493 days until August 1st 2019 which is now the soonest date we could move in together. That's 1,478,400 feet of travel between my apartment and hers I will make in that time if I continue to visit her at the rate I have been for the past five months. 280 miles. 280 miles for me to walk and $8,250.00 dollars for her to spend.
She told me her friends when they were younger had bad experiences moving in too early with boyfriends. She also said I've never lived with a girlfriend before so I have no idea what to expect.
She told me because I used the term 'roommate' that I wasn't ready.
She said because I haven't used the word 'love' yet that I wasn't ready.
No discussion.
Rejected.
It's frustrating to me and I've been struggling to move past this choice. I guess she never thought that maybe there's a reason I never moved in with a girlfriend...maybe I understand exactly what to expect and that is EXACTLY why I wasn't dumb enough to rush into moving in with someone like her friends seemed to have. Maybe I understand exactly what the word love means. Maybe a one year lease with someone is easier to get out of than those words. Maybe I know EXACTLY what that word means to me and what it means to be given to someone. Maybe I want that moment to be right, not rushed, not out of routine, comfort, or because an arbitrary amount of time has passed where society has deemed it appropriate for that word to be tossed back and forth. Maybe I want to wait for a moment on a mountain during sunset, or a perfect day in Iceland. Maybe I want to wait until it's warm and the stars are out. Or maybe I want to wait until her marriage with another man she said she loved is legally dissolved. It's as if I am penalized for not senselessly living with people I'm not ready to live with when I was younger. It's as if I am penalized for not senselessly throwing a word around that means a great deal.
We've been living together for the past 176 days and there is still another 128 days before August 1st.
But it wasn't a discussion. My thoughts and my feelings were predetermined for me by a group of women in a group chat. Even to think the sole purpose of me moving in was financial which not only makes me feel ridiculously sleazy, shallow, and insulted but doesn't even make logical sense. If I live with Alicia I'll pay $550 in rent. If I moved in with Tem I'd pay $687.50 a month. I'd be spending $1,650 more that year. It makes me feel like Tem has no idea the kind of man I am...she has no idea about my character.
The more and more I think about this situation the more frustrated and insulted I feel. I'm trying, I'm really trying to move past this but it's something my brain can't seem to comprehend. I wish she would have said she wanted to spend more time living a lone after her previous relationship ended but even that doesn't make logical sense since we spend 7 nights a week sleeping together. Even on the nights I hang out with my friends, or she hangs out with hers she or I will literally just come over to sleep next to one another...
ugh I need to stop thinking about this. This weekend was a shit show to say the least. I'm looking forward to spending some time away in Seattle this weekend with my friends.