01/27/19

The Difficult Balance of Intimacy and Independence: Beloved Philosopher and Poet Kahlil Gibran on the Secret to a Loving and Lasting Relationship

Tem retweeted this article a bit back.

...at its truest and most potent, love invariably does change us, deconditioning our painful pathologies and elevating us toward our highest human potential.

I've heard it said in the business, if you aren't growing you're dying. And I've always hated that thought. The idea that there can be found no equilibrium, no contentment, no rest. But the more time I spend on this planet the more I see the truth in the statement. It isn't about greed. It isn't about seeing how much you can grab at the market. The world is not a stagnant place. The world is constantly moving both literally and figuratively. Because of this natural movement standing still is, in a way, stepping backward. The same must be said of love. To love, to truly love, is to change, to grow, to become and discover the most you you.

When lovers are expected to fuse together so closely and completely, mutuality mutates into a paralyzing codependence — a calcified and rigid firmness that becomes brittle to the possibility of growth. In the most nourishing kind of love, the communion of togetherness coexists with an integrity of individuality, the two aspects always in dynamic and fluid dialogue.

Status Quo, predictability, Routine, these are the words I would use to describe marriages I have seen. Spouse wants to come home from work and find something predictable, The routine, children doing homework, picking up from practice, dinner's at six, The usual TV programming routine, rigid, comfortable, controllable. Imagine being in this cycle and wanting to change it a bit. Imagine knowing that voicing a new thought could rock the boat of the one you love. It might be easier to keep quiet they seem so happy in this state. But that little thought that wasn't voiced...that was the uncovered path on the trail of love. Take a step down it, share it with the one you love, walk hand in hand and see who you become. Nothing wrong with turning around love will gladly walk it back with you. As soon as any relationship feels like a place where the idea cannot be voiced it's the first step down the paralyzing fusion too close and complete of love, or I would argue of something other than love.

Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
-Kahlil Gibran

M. and I have plagued each other with our differences for more than forty years. But it is also a tonic.
…
Along with the differences that abide in each of us, there is also in each of us the maverick, the darling stubborn one who won’t listen, who insists, who chooses preference or the spirited guess over yardsticks or even history. I suspect this maverick is somewhat what the soul is, or at least that the soul lives close by and companionably with its agitating and inquiring force. And of course all of it, the differences and the maverick uprisings, are part of the richness of life. If you are too much like myself, what shall I learn of you, or you of me? I bring home sassafras leaves and M. looks and admires. She tells me how it feels to float in the air above the town and the harbor, and my world is sweetened by her description of those blue miles. The touch of our separate excitements is another of the gifts of our life together.
-Mary Oliver

I think Tem and I are figuring out this balance between space and togetherness, between her and me. I think the next step forward on this path of love is the safety and trust of sharing. Reminds me of the book Scary Close by Donald Miller. Finding who we are away is one thing...being able to bring that true person forward infront of the person you love with all of my thoughts, ideas, fears, worries, hopes, dreams, to bring all of that and to find the safety to share it. That is where the soil will be found to plant our roots of love giving us the room to push deeper with the space to stretch branches outward.

H.E.R. - I'm Not OK