January 1st 2019 New Years Day I went over to Tem's after getting back from Cincinnati. She wanted to talk. She told me I wasn't meeting her needs. We are never intimate, I sucked at her birthday, and I don't audibly let her know how beautiful she is.
On my end, I've been struggling trying not to lose myself in this relationship. Trying to keep the Adam in AdTem alive. The stress of thinking about the rest of my life. The questions about are we right together? We are very different, is that okay? and we are never intimate.
She mentioned using the time she would be traveling to take some space and think about what she wants. She seemed to have her mind made up like she knew the space wouldn't change anything. Both of us talked about the things we wanted from a relationship and everything came to a head late that winter night.
We broke up and I left.
Wednesday morning I woke up in a haze, was this real? What did I do? Was this right?
Why was it right?
Can something right feel this completely wrong?
post honeymoon relationship...what does that look like?
“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”
-Esther Perel
How do you fan the flame of desire? How do you give the relationship air?
How do you hold these two conflicting things together?
Love by definition consumes mystery and desire by definition requires mystery.
Like the night sky
love is light and desire is the darkness. In the beginning you have the beauty of the stars, the constellations filling our hearts with wonder. But as the relationship grows the sun of love begins to rise and in the spender of the day the stars of desire are no longer visible.
How do we hold the day and the night of a relationship? How do we create space, give the fire air? How do you live together, know everything that happens, and still manage to surprise, delight, mystify, and captivate one another?
This space away from Tem, this air for the fire of desire, has shown me one thing for certain.
I love Tem.
I do, I want her to be my life partner and the mother of my kids. But I think I've already known that. I think the piece I haven't is how the hell do people do this long term relationship thing?
I'm not even talking about monogamy, I'm not only speaking of having only one partner for the rest of your life. I'm talking about how do people keep desire alive, keep learning, growing, and engaging with a person at 5 years, 17 years, 26 years, 33 years, how is that possible?
I want that, and specifically I want that with Tem. I do.
But I come from a fucked up home life and I struggle to meet her needs.
I'm struggling to keep desire's flame lit.
I guess I've been confusing my fear of monotony for a fear of a long term relationship.
There isn't anything wrong with monogamy so long as desire remains
but what examples of that sort of relationship do I have to guide me?
Tem has always been so wise.
She knew I wouldn't like moving in
She knows me better than I think I know myself
She knows what she wants and she doesn't even flinch at the idea of the rest of her life with me
How is she so capable of decisiveness?
And even know she knows for us to end is a fucking mistake
She makes commitment and openness so easy. She makes it seem effortless.
And she is so easy to love.
I think she's right, AdTem not being an item is a mistake.
I love her very much
But at the same time, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that inside me somewhere are the traits of my family
Sleeping in different rooms, never any sex, no expression of emotions or feelings, My mom's ability to stubbornly cut anything out of her life, her church and her in-laws.
I do need to work on this stuff, I'm just not even sure which direction to take the first step.
On my end, I've been struggling trying not to lose myself in this relationship. Trying to keep the Adam in AdTem alive. The stress of thinking about the rest of my life. The questions about are we right together? We are very different, is that okay? and we are never intimate.
She mentioned using the time she would be traveling to take some space and think about what she wants. She seemed to have her mind made up like she knew the space wouldn't change anything. Both of us talked about the things we wanted from a relationship and everything came to a head late that winter night.
We broke up and I left.
Wednesday morning I woke up in a haze, was this real? What did I do? Was this right?
Why was it right?
Can something right feel this completely wrong?
post honeymoon relationship...what does that look like?
“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”
-Esther Perel
How do you fan the flame of desire? How do you give the relationship air?
How do you hold these two conflicting things together?
Love by definition consumes mystery and desire by definition requires mystery.
Like the night sky
love is light and desire is the darkness. In the beginning you have the beauty of the stars, the constellations filling our hearts with wonder. But as the relationship grows the sun of love begins to rise and in the spender of the day the stars of desire are no longer visible.
How do we hold the day and the night of a relationship? How do we create space, give the fire air? How do you live together, know everything that happens, and still manage to surprise, delight, mystify, and captivate one another?
This space away from Tem, this air for the fire of desire, has shown me one thing for certain.
I love Tem.
I do, I want her to be my life partner and the mother of my kids. But I think I've already known that. I think the piece I haven't is how the hell do people do this long term relationship thing?
I'm not even talking about monogamy, I'm not only speaking of having only one partner for the rest of your life. I'm talking about how do people keep desire alive, keep learning, growing, and engaging with a person at 5 years, 17 years, 26 years, 33 years, how is that possible?
I want that, and specifically I want that with Tem. I do.
But I come from a fucked up home life and I struggle to meet her needs.
I'm struggling to keep desire's flame lit.
I guess I've been confusing my fear of monotony for a fear of a long term relationship.
There isn't anything wrong with monogamy so long as desire remains
but what examples of that sort of relationship do I have to guide me?
Tem has always been so wise.
She knew I wouldn't like moving in
She knows me better than I think I know myself
She knows what she wants and she doesn't even flinch at the idea of the rest of her life with me
How is she so capable of decisiveness?
And even know she knows for us to end is a fucking mistake
She makes commitment and openness so easy. She makes it seem effortless.
And she is so easy to love.
I think she's right, AdTem not being an item is a mistake.
I love her very much
But at the same time, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that inside me somewhere are the traits of my family
Sleeping in different rooms, never any sex, no expression of emotions or feelings, My mom's ability to stubbornly cut anything out of her life, her church and her in-laws.
I do need to work on this stuff, I'm just not even sure which direction to take the first step.