You hurt much because you love much.
Tonight Brian and I leave for Pittsburgh and then catch the bus for New York City.
I'm really excited to see New York.
Last night Bea texted me that she found "Love Does" I don't know what's wrong with me but I have the hardest time moving on from woman. I'm like White Fang. Why do I have such a hard time letting go?
My head is filled with all these romantic movies, books, stories about how it all works out in the end. It's the story my heart longs for but it is frankly bull shit.
I am almost right back where I was a year ago with a different woman. I do this all the time. I sing I will wait when I need to carry on.
I was doing really well after the Monday Night Service Christmas. I hadn't texted her I slipped and wished her a Merry Christmas, but other than that I seemed to be heading in the right direction. Then in one stupid harmless text my mind starts to race.
What does this mean?
What if things change?
What if I had been different?
All of the very things you command me not to think about Jesus.
I want a woman who is bananas for me. I want a woman who doesn't want to be anywhere else than with me. And that sort of thing can't be forced, I'm beginning to wander if it even exists.
I texted Ed after the Christmas night of MNS and told him I didn't want to be on the team anymore because it isn't healthy for me. Ed instantly called me and told me he doesn't want me to quit. Kelly called me the next day to say the same. It made me feel really loved. I love the pantry, I love everything about it. I love the homeless friends, I love the team, I love the worship, I love the small groups, I love setting up the tables and mopping the floor. I love the laughs and the big smiles.
And I do miss Bea.
When Kelly talked to me on the phone I asked her what I'm suppose to do. She said she had a similar situation happen to her. "Pray for her happiness" she told me. "Pray that God gives her joy and happiness however that might be." That's a difficult prayer Abba. I'd like to pray that I make her happy or that she's happy with me, but that sounds pretty selfish... Pray for her happiness, almost praying for her to find someone else or to not come back at least. "How do I pray it sincerely?" I ask Kelly. She said "Just start praying it, and your heart will change."
I'm such a sap. I seriously hate it. What happened to me? I use to never commit, never care, I could look a woman in the eyes after she told me she loved me and simply shrug. Now I go insane after 4 months? and it was 5 months ago? are you serious? It's pathetic. But my mind can't help but go down the 'what ifs' and I need to stop.
She doesn't want to be with me so therefore if I care about her at all I should have no problem praying for her happiness in whatever avenue it comes.
We'll take this one day at a time together Jesus. I don't think about when she finds some new guy, I won't think about, what if she comes back. I'll simply walk this out with you one day at a time. You are good Abba. You have good for me and You know how to give good gifts. Why should I sweat this?
This week in New York will be good for me. A week away with some solid friends. More time and space from the situation. New York City, man Jesus I can't wait to see 8 million of my brothers and sisters in one place.
...I pray that You help Bea find peace and joy.
Fun.: Carry On
Tonight Brian and I leave for Pittsburgh and then catch the bus for New York City.
I'm really excited to see New York.
Last night Bea texted me that she found "Love Does" I don't know what's wrong with me but I have the hardest time moving on from woman. I'm like White Fang. Why do I have such a hard time letting go?
My head is filled with all these romantic movies, books, stories about how it all works out in the end. It's the story my heart longs for but it is frankly bull shit.
I am almost right back where I was a year ago with a different woman. I do this all the time. I sing I will wait when I need to carry on.
I was doing really well after the Monday Night Service Christmas. I hadn't texted her I slipped and wished her a Merry Christmas, but other than that I seemed to be heading in the right direction. Then in one stupid harmless text my mind starts to race.
What does this mean?
What if things change?
What if I had been different?
All of the very things you command me not to think about Jesus.
I want a woman who is bananas for me. I want a woman who doesn't want to be anywhere else than with me. And that sort of thing can't be forced, I'm beginning to wander if it even exists.
I texted Ed after the Christmas night of MNS and told him I didn't want to be on the team anymore because it isn't healthy for me. Ed instantly called me and told me he doesn't want me to quit. Kelly called me the next day to say the same. It made me feel really loved. I love the pantry, I love everything about it. I love the homeless friends, I love the team, I love the worship, I love the small groups, I love setting up the tables and mopping the floor. I love the laughs and the big smiles.
And I do miss Bea.
When Kelly talked to me on the phone I asked her what I'm suppose to do. She said she had a similar situation happen to her. "Pray for her happiness" she told me. "Pray that God gives her joy and happiness however that might be." That's a difficult prayer Abba. I'd like to pray that I make her happy or that she's happy with me, but that sounds pretty selfish... Pray for her happiness, almost praying for her to find someone else or to not come back at least. "How do I pray it sincerely?" I ask Kelly. She said "Just start praying it, and your heart will change."
I'm such a sap. I seriously hate it. What happened to me? I use to never commit, never care, I could look a woman in the eyes after she told me she loved me and simply shrug. Now I go insane after 4 months? and it was 5 months ago? are you serious? It's pathetic. But my mind can't help but go down the 'what ifs' and I need to stop.
She doesn't want to be with me so therefore if I care about her at all I should have no problem praying for her happiness in whatever avenue it comes.
We'll take this one day at a time together Jesus. I don't think about when she finds some new guy, I won't think about, what if she comes back. I'll simply walk this out with you one day at a time. You are good Abba. You have good for me and You know how to give good gifts. Why should I sweat this?
This week in New York will be good for me. A week away with some solid friends. More time and space from the situation. New York City, man Jesus I can't wait to see 8 million of my brothers and sisters in one place.
...I pray that You help Bea find peace and joy.
Fun.: Carry On