Me vs Mountains
Bea hasn't talked to me since Monday. I see her post on IG, I see her respond to comments but nothing towards me. She'll be back tomorrow. I know I sometimes seem like a pessimist. But I need to vent these nervous feelings somewhere, and Of course, I turn to You, here.
Bea has often threatened the thought of moving to Colorado. It makes me anxious and nervous but if she omitted the thoughts from me I feel ignorance would only make it worse.
I've told her I'd move with her. But as this week has progressed and I've felt this neglect I've been thinking a lot. Waiting for her to text back, waiting for her to call as she has promised but never did...
I would move for her, would she stay for me? I'd never ask that of her but the heart of the question remains. Would she live in a place she didn't want to in order to be with me?
Am I too far in to something that may not be evenly balanced?
The more conversations we have about the mountains the more I feel her desire for a change of address more than a desire for my company. If I moved with her would I ever really know?
I don't know maybe I've been thinking too much awake in bed. Maybe I've been burned in the past one too many times but this is starting to eat away at me.
I've been thinking about how many times she and I have broken up and how many tears the two of us have shed at our parting. I've seen her cry but never over the loss of me.
I see her having the time of her life out in the mountains. Me sitting here paranoid...the last thing she'd like to hear after one of the best weeks of her life is her insecure pessimistic boyfriend complaining about mountains over himself. A talk like that could be enough to drive a woman straight into the mountains and away from me.
She's been spending the week hiking long trails alone with guys I've never heard of before, yet she complains of my relationships with Krystal and Sealscott both of which are engaged to other guys.
The more I sit here missing and waiting for her and the more I see her enjoying her time hiking mountains posting pictures with other guys while she refuses to publish our relationship...the more nervous I get.
I've only wanted to be with her for the past three going on four years and she has always told me she's had feeling for her ex and now that she wants to move away from Ohio...
am I too invested in this thing? She says she loves me an awful lot and with strong consistency...
I gave her my virginity, I waiting while she went back to her ex...twice, Now I'm contemplating moving away from the state I love, from the people who know me to chase a woman who wants mountains... is this stupid? Am I going to get hurt? Would she be happier without me?
She talks a lot about marriage being oppressive and out dated...
I don't know God am I a blind romantic? Does she feel the same way? Am I going to get hurt again? What should I do? Am I just freaking out? I don't know...I'm glad I have a place to vent this stuff so she doesn't have to defend herself or know how insecure I feel.
I want her to be free. I always have but the more invested I get the more her freedom affects me. I don't want my pain to hinder her freedom. If she wants to be with me I want it to be what she wants and not out of guilt or duty.
We'll see what happens. This is my only life. And this is how I am living it.
Life - Sleeping At Last
it began with a whisper in my ear, "I think it's time."
suddenly all we held dear was on the line
as your heart, measured in mountains, fell and climbed.
“you're okay, you're okay, you're okay. we’re okay.”
amen.
Bea hasn't talked to me since Monday. I see her post on IG, I see her respond to comments but nothing towards me. She'll be back tomorrow. I know I sometimes seem like a pessimist. But I need to vent these nervous feelings somewhere, and Of course, I turn to You, here.
Bea has often threatened the thought of moving to Colorado. It makes me anxious and nervous but if she omitted the thoughts from me I feel ignorance would only make it worse.
I've told her I'd move with her. But as this week has progressed and I've felt this neglect I've been thinking a lot. Waiting for her to text back, waiting for her to call as she has promised but never did...
I would move for her, would she stay for me? I'd never ask that of her but the heart of the question remains. Would she live in a place she didn't want to in order to be with me?
Am I too far in to something that may not be evenly balanced?
The more conversations we have about the mountains the more I feel her desire for a change of address more than a desire for my company. If I moved with her would I ever really know?
I don't know maybe I've been thinking too much awake in bed. Maybe I've been burned in the past one too many times but this is starting to eat away at me.
I've been thinking about how many times she and I have broken up and how many tears the two of us have shed at our parting. I've seen her cry but never over the loss of me.
I see her having the time of her life out in the mountains. Me sitting here paranoid...the last thing she'd like to hear after one of the best weeks of her life is her insecure pessimistic boyfriend complaining about mountains over himself. A talk like that could be enough to drive a woman straight into the mountains and away from me.
She's been spending the week hiking long trails alone with guys I've never heard of before, yet she complains of my relationships with Krystal and Sealscott both of which are engaged to other guys.
The more I sit here missing and waiting for her and the more I see her enjoying her time hiking mountains posting pictures with other guys while she refuses to publish our relationship...the more nervous I get.
I've only wanted to be with her for the past three going on four years and she has always told me she's had feeling for her ex and now that she wants to move away from Ohio...
am I too invested in this thing? She says she loves me an awful lot and with strong consistency...
I gave her my virginity, I waiting while she went back to her ex...twice, Now I'm contemplating moving away from the state I love, from the people who know me to chase a woman who wants mountains... is this stupid? Am I going to get hurt? Would she be happier without me?
She talks a lot about marriage being oppressive and out dated...
I don't know God am I a blind romantic? Does she feel the same way? Am I going to get hurt again? What should I do? Am I just freaking out? I don't know...I'm glad I have a place to vent this stuff so she doesn't have to defend herself or know how insecure I feel.
I want her to be free. I always have but the more invested I get the more her freedom affects me. I don't want my pain to hinder her freedom. If she wants to be with me I want it to be what she wants and not out of guilt or duty.
We'll see what happens. This is my only life. And this is how I am living it.
Life - Sleeping At Last
it began with a whisper in my ear, "I think it's time."
suddenly all we held dear was on the line
as your heart, measured in mountains, fell and climbed.
“you're okay, you're okay, you're okay. we’re okay.”
amen.