01/28/13

Understanding the Art of Drum Circles:
a day on an urban farm.

Back when I was 24 I dated this free spirited artist who loved to follow Jesus. During the summer of 2012 we went to the Community Festival or ComFest in Goodale park.

As we were walking around checking out the art, eating the food, smelling the smells, listening to the music, feeling the warm summer sun on our skins we came across a gathering of people.

It was a tiny crowd. The first ring within the circle was filled with people playing drums, bongos, djembes, tambourines, any kind of portable percussion you could think. The second and remaining outer rings where people moving in rhythm with the beats of the drums. Every now and then someone or a few would jump in the center and dance.

We stood for a while. I looked over at my girlfriend, her eyes filled with joy and peace, it made my heart smile. I always enjoyed trying to cultivate that very expression from her as often as possible while we dated.

After we walked away from the circle she looked at noticed I wasn't feeling what she had just experienced. I mocked a few of the dancers and laughed as we kept walking. She started to get defensive of them and turned towards me and said, "you just don't understand it. It's not about accomplishing anything. It's about just being." I laughed and shrugged, wrapped around her and kept moving.

I never did understand her. I tried, and I really, really enjoyed dating her for that season but she felt misunderstood and perception is reality. In other words, you could feel something very strongly for someone, but if those feelings aren't expressed then to the other person, they aren't in you.

Last Monday was Martin Luther King Jr. day. Because of the holiday a lot of people had the day off. Because of this extra day a local urban farm decided to take advantage of this and have a MLK work day.

I'd been meaning to check out the farm for about 6 months now and thought that would be the perfect opportunity. I drove solo to the farm and walked into their hoop-house. As I stepped past the three chickens and towards the 8 or so people already inside I introduced myself grabbed a shovel and asked what they needed done.

This past summer I spent my days landscaping so I know my way around a shovel, let alone digging. They wanted trenches dug for walk ways around the hoop-house, no sweat. I noticed a lot of them were standing around, some had scoop shovels, some had pitch forks, all terrible for digging. I grabbed a digging shovel started in the back and started flinging dirt by myself. One of the guys named Patrick approached me and started asking me about myself. My name, where I lived, what I did, how I heard about the garden, the conversation lasted the better part of a half hour. As we were talking I kept digging but Patrick leaned on his shovel.

In the back of my mind I kept thinking "this conversation is great but couldn't you dig and talk?"

This kept happening with more and more people. Everyone wanted to meet me and everyone stopped to do so.

Ryan, Badger, Nick, Molly, Jess, and so on. I didn't stop. They would stop to talk amongst themselves also. It seems as if none of them were ever digging. We finished the trenches and grading out the soil around noon. Patrick was amazed. He had planned for it to take a whole day but it didn't. When we broke for lunch he said he'd figure out what to do in the afternoon.

I didn't have plans nor money for lunch so two of the people, the interns, invited me to their house across the street for pasta. We entered the house and I immediately noticed the heat wasn't on. It was an old house, one of those big old ones that hipsters call home. Art on the walls, Zeppelin playing on vinyl, and not much else. As we waited for the water to boil I learned that the two of them work 2 days a week, have no money and play in a band for rent. The rest of their time is spent in the gardens.

After the humble meal of salad and noodles I walked across the street to Patrick and Nick's house to join the rest of the crew. They were sprawled out in the kitchen talking about government programs, funding, dreams, politics, all simply sitting around.

Patrick told everyone to go into the living room to watch one of MLK's speeches at Riverside church.

No couches, so we sat on blankets and pillows on the hardwood floor, no t.v. so we gathered around a macbook.

Once the video had ended they wanted to discuss it.

It was during this discussion that I remembered the drum circle from ComFest with Bea.

This whole day seems very unproductive. Standing around, talking, hugging, 2 hour lunch break. But something hit me listening to these young men and women talk after the video. None of them cared.

The garden isn't about the food, although it's certainly a part, it isn't the point. The lunch isn't about fueling up for more digging. The video wasn't about gathering factual history, and the discussion didn't have guidelines.

All of it was about connection, community, unity, love.

Patrick didn't care if the trenches were dug before morning, sure that would be nice but they'll get done someday. He cared about me. Who I was, where I was going, where I had come from. He cared about the person. Nick and Esther offered what little food they had to me because I didn't have any place to go. Sure it sucked to not have heat in their house but they also had no intention of getting 9 to 5's to pay for heat. Because to them it isn't about the bills, or the heat, or any of the things I would think it's about. To them it's about growing food for a community that needs healthy options. Being sprawled out in the kitchen of the other house after eating wasn't about planning the afternoon's workload. It was about friendship. Looking around the empty living room at people under blankets, on pillows, focused on this amazing speech by MLK I felt peace. Sure I wasn't making any money, sure we weren't accomplishing anything in terms of progressing the work on the farm but it didn't matter. It was about stopping to take a moment during this holiday and remember the man it is reserved for. It was about being in the moment.

As we sat in the living room discussing the video we just watched I heard Bea's voice in my head "you just don't understand it. It's not about accomplishing anything. It's about just being."

And it hit me.

This is the Kingdom of Heaven.

This is the church in Acts.

This is the love of Christ.

I'm pretty sure most of the room would deny Christ but despite what their mouths may say their hearts were screaming Jesus.

The drum circle wasn't about recording a new song to sell, accomplishing something tangible, it was about just being.

Jesus spent His human life just being.

His only command was love.

Not work, not do, not earn, not stress, not worry, not toil, love.

Life is more than money, life is more than tasks. Its in the details, its in the people. These guys wanted to feel community and they wanted to help the impoverished people of Franklinton. No selfish ambition, no greed, no plans for massive profit. I felt the Holy Spirit on that farm in a way I've never felt before.

As it got closer to 4pm I had to head over to the pantry for the Monday Night Service. I started saying my goodbyes and how nice it was to meet them as I shook everyone's hand I finally got to Patrick.

I extended my hand, he looked at it, then at me and said "Do you do hugs?"

Led Zeppelin - When The Levee Breaks

01/26/13

NOOMA Shells | 020


Jesus says no, because He's already said yes.

What if the one thing I choose to say yes to and pursue ends? There is a time and a season for everything, what if I put my purpose in one thing and it's time has passed?

Jesus always knew His purpose, He was tuned into the Spirit because He is the Spirit! That's not exactly fair.

I love all of the things I do with my week but I do sometimes feel my hands are full with tiny shells that I am not able to grab the starfish.

But without those tiny shells aren't I just standing by the water waiting for my giant starfish? Days, months, years, go by as I wait for my starfish? What if life is in the shards of shell?

I guess it's a matter of knowing when to pick up shells and when to set them down.

01/22/13

God You are good.
Everything is going to be alright.

Life certainly is messy.
I am broken.

Last night You did something incredible in me.

I trust You. I don't understand You, I don't know everything, it doesn't feel alright, but I trust You.

Yesterday I worked at the Franklinton Gardens all day. Then I drove to the pantry.

My heart swells. I freaking love You Jesus. Life is such a complete fuck up but it is so damn beautiful!

You are good, God.

My plans fail, I screw up, I don't know what I'm doing, I have no idea, I'm lost, what is going on?

But yet, it's beautiful. It's out of control, it's unpredictable, it's irreversible, and it's ok.

I'm learning to lean into my pain.

Everything is going to be okay.

I have reached a place that I've never been able to reach. I don't know how it happened or if I'm actually there. But I'm okay today. God's got me.

Thank You Jesus. For grass, for sky, for toes, for lungs, for friends, for animals, for mountains, for love.

I've lived most of my life as a bull in a china shop.
Now, I'm learning to dance in the china shop.

I may be weak
but Your Spirit's strong in me

my flesh may fail,
but my God You never will

Give Me Faith - ELEVATION WORSHP

01/19/13

NOOMA Open | 019


Prayer if anything is truth, it's being honest with your Maker.

It's scary to pray boldly for change or freedom from sin, because if nothing happens, then doesn't that mean God failed? Doesn't that mean His Spirit isn't all we've been told He is? I think fear of God failing us leads us to "cover for God." This means we ask for less, expect less, and are satisfied with less because we are afraid to ask for or expect more. We even convince ourselves that we don't want more-that we have all the "God" we need or could want. I can't imagine how much it pains God to see His children hold back from relationship with the Holy Spirit out of fear that He won't come through. How much it grieves Him to watch His children ignore the promises He's made throughout Scripture due to fear that those promises wont be kept! Empowering His children with the strength of the Holy Spirit is something the Father wants to do. It's not something we have to talk Him into. He genuinely wants to see us walk in His strength.
-Forgotten God Chapter 2

God I don't believe Your promises. I am terrified You will "fail" me. Those around me and myself will doubt Your existence. I don't want to "cover for God." I want to step boldly out of the boat. I want to go where You want me to go. Help me with my faith! I want to expect more and never be satisfied with the amount of You, Holy Spirit, in my life.

I want to trust Your promises. I want more of You God.

You want honesty in my prayers? I don't think You answer too many prayers these days. I don't know if answered prayers are just coincidences or actually You.

People give the "yes, no, and wait" talks and people give the "not my will but Yours be done" safety nets. But in the gospels people called You out. "Lord I want to be healed!" "Lord if you wanted you could make me well" Things like that and You ALWAYS freaking showed up! ALWAYS. So what about now? Not Holy enough? Not enough time spent praying? WHAT IS IT?

God is good I freaking know that and I'll stake my life on that. And You promised You'd give exponentially better gifts than what us evil humans give to one another.

I want more of You Spirit dwelling in me, speaking for me, walking before me, giving me wisdom to speak into my brothers and sisters lives.

Where are You?

01/16/13

Last night I had the strangest dream I have ever had in my life.

First of all I rarely remember dreams. I dreamed I was outside my parents house standing by the road when a vehicle pulled up with Delight driving. She parked it and out of the passenger side Orville stepped out. It's been nearly two years since he's even crossed my mind. I was in disbelief. I realize it was a dream but when you're dreaming, you don't realize it. I ran to him confused and emotional. I hugged him and his giant belly felt just like I recall it, large yet strangely firm. He looked me in the eyes and began to say how proud of me he was. Just as my eyes felt like they were actually going to burst into tears and as he continued my alarm clock went off and the situation immediately vanished. I snoozed it but, you know you can't reenter dreams.

It was so freaking weird, why him, what was he going to say, was it from smelling all that paint yesterday at the new pantry? By far the strangest dream I have ever had in my life.

I'm in a weird place Jesus.

Sometimes I feel perfect, everything in my life is perfect and I just sigh and smile. That same day I sometimes feel very lonely. I say and do things I don't want to do.

Yesterday as I scrapped every single cinder block on the walls of the new pantry alone with no music, no other people, just me, a wire brush, and some blisters I felt completely at peace. Then as I began to paint the walls slowly and in rhythm I felt so calm and close to You.

After the mens group and after Brian went to bed. As I sat on the couch reading "Love Does" with the fire roaring beside me I left lonely. I don't know if it's because the book reminds me of Bea, or if I become envious of Goff's perspective on life, but it was strange. It was a perfect end to an amazing day and I felt incomplete.

In Bob's world everything is so simple. He took one look at Maria and said "There's Mrs. Goff", then he pursued her for three freaking years until she broke and they got engaged.

That's not how it works, I would know. When I pursue all I get is an "Adam, i told you i'm not in a place to be pursued. please do not pursue me." haha I'd like to ask Bob, do you pursue still because your feelings must be expressed, or do you respect her and stop? And if it's the latter, which I assume it is, Then what would Bob do?

I keep getting this itch to walk up to her grab her hand, look her in the eye and say, "Let's run!" and we go off on an adventure, the beach, the woods, the mountains, big cities, small farms, we just go.

That's what I think Bob would do, and that's what I think Jesus invites us into, an adventure.

But this world is broken. Life doesn't seem to work for me the way it does for Goff. And The kingdom hasn't fully come so Jesus' way becomes challenging.

Love is such an interesting thing. I've expressed this before. It must come from free will, but yet we must pursue and romance? It doesn't make sense and when do You know when to quit Jesus? Do You ever quit? But doesn't pursuing someone sometimes cause them to dart in the opposite direction?

"If you love her let her go" sort of stuff? Is that what Hell is? Is Hell the "if you love her let her go" place for You?

I don't know, my coffee and toast is getting cold. I want more times like painting with you. I want my time alone curled up with a book by the fire to feel content. Lacking nothing.

Then again, "It is not good for the man to be alone."

Mumford & Sons - White Blank Page

01/13/13

Does Hell exist?
Is anyone going to Hell?
Is anyone staying in Hell for eternity?
How can an all loving God allow a Hell?
How can I enjoy Heaven knowing anyone, no matter who, is in Hell?

Erasing Hell by Francis Chan


David Platt on Universalism


I know no one in the bible talked about Hell more than Jesus.
I've heard the "mistranslated" talk about eternity versus age.

do we live in this tension? This paradox? What if Hell absolutely exists just as most Christians believe? How could I explain to God I misunderstood, or I lead people astray because I thought I had it right?

Rob Bell: Heaven and Hell


Whether Hell exists or not or to what degree it exists doesn't really affect how I live my life. I will always worship Jesus and I will always spread His love which He pours into me.

But what do I teach? How do I lead others?

The bible does talk about False Teachers so there is a right and a wrong. A truth and a lie. What if I'm a false teacher?

Do false teachers always know they are teaching a lie?

The disciples' theology wasn't perfect. Jesus was always rebuking and correcting them. Maybe a false teacher is anyone preaching out of selfish ambition? Maybe I'm wrong.

If Hell exists and Platt's right about all those brothers and sisters going to Hell then why didn't Jesus live His life with the same urgency? Why didn't Jesus travel to Europe, Asia, Africa, South America, North America, Australia? Why did Jesus hand pick 12 dudes and that's it?

Jesus never showed urgency...

The same guys who preach Hell is very real and very eternal are the same who preach women shouldn't be leaders and preachers.

But Jesus lifted up women and the early churches in Acts had woman leaders?

Is that false teaching? If they can be wrong on one topic in the bible could they be wrong on another?

When Jesus healed people He told them not to tell anyone...why? Why wouldn't He want everyone to know? Why wouldn't He be concerned about the eternal salvation of every person?

Something doesn't seem to fit. But what if I mislead someone?

Is it black or white? Or is it a paradox?

Is it either, or?
Or is it both, and?

01/12/13

NOOMA Name | 018

Who am I?

take off the layer of community
the layer of goals
the layer of education
the layer of family
the layer of self image
the layer of location

Who am I?

What's left?

How do I find myself? How do I discover who I am created to be? Am I created to be someone, or have you left it up to me?

Who do You say that I am?

Am I even willing to do the work required to discover myself? To find my limits and my potential?

Life is so very strange. There is nothing else like it.

01/05/13

NOOMA Today | 017

Things aren't going to be how they were.

Life is an always flowing river. We are all heading the same direction. We are all aging, nothing can stop progress, nothing can stop the next.

Life is filled with
chapters
seasons
stages

each of them have their benefits and their struggles but one thing is certain, they will not last.

Life is so strange. When I visit Wauseon I am reminded of how far I've come, how much has changed, and how I can not go back. When I drive past the Columbus skyline at night I remember when I first moved here. How my heart raced, how this city use to seem mammoth. How beautiful it seemed. How I told myself I'd always be a country boy.

But Nothing stays the same, everything changes.

Jesus wants us to be free. That is why we are called to be content in every situation. Employed or not, single or married, young or old. We are called to praise Jesus in everything. Jesus the only constant.

Whether change is good or bad doesn't matter. Change happens. Whether the past was better or the future holds brighter hope doesn't matter. Change happens.

I am given today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Today.

01/04/13

You hurt much because you love much.

Tonight Brian and I leave for Pittsburgh and then catch the bus for New York City.

I'm really excited to see New York.

Last night Bea texted me that she found "Love Does" I don't know what's wrong with me but I have the hardest time moving on from woman. I'm like White Fang. Why do I have such a hard time letting go?

My head is filled with all these romantic movies, books, stories about how it all works out in the end. It's the story my heart longs for but it is frankly bull shit.

I am almost right back where I was a year ago with a different woman. I do this all the time. I sing I will wait when I need to carry on.

I was doing really well after the Monday Night Service Christmas. I hadn't texted her I slipped and wished her a Merry Christmas, but other than that I seemed to be heading in the right direction. Then in one stupid harmless text my mind starts to race.

What does this mean?
What if things change?
What if I had been different?

All of the very things you command me not to think about Jesus.

I want a woman who is bananas for me. I want a woman who doesn't want to be anywhere else than with me. And that sort of thing can't be forced, I'm beginning to wander if it even exists.

I texted Ed after the Christmas night of MNS and told him I didn't want to be on the team anymore because it isn't healthy for me. Ed instantly called me and told me he doesn't want me to quit. Kelly called me the next day to say the same. It made me feel really loved. I love the pantry, I love everything about it. I love the homeless friends, I love the team, I love the worship, I love the small groups, I love setting up the tables and mopping the floor. I love the laughs and the big smiles.

And I do miss Bea.

When Kelly talked to me on the phone I asked her what I'm suppose to do. She said she had a similar situation happen to her. "Pray for her happiness" she told me. "Pray that God gives her joy and happiness however that might be." That's a difficult prayer Abba. I'd like to pray that I make her happy or that she's happy with me, but that sounds pretty selfish... Pray for her happiness, almost praying for her to find someone else or to not come back at least. "How do I pray it sincerely?" I ask Kelly. She said "Just start praying it, and your heart will change."

I'm such a sap. I seriously hate it. What happened to me? I use to never commit, never care, I could look a woman in the eyes after she told me she loved me and simply shrug. Now I go insane after 4 months? and it was 5 months ago? are you serious? It's pathetic. But my mind can't help but go down the 'what ifs' and I need to stop.

She doesn't want to be with me so therefore if I care about her at all I should have no problem praying for her happiness in whatever avenue it comes.

We'll take this one day at a time together Jesus. I don't think about when she finds some new guy, I won't think about, what if she comes back. I'll simply walk this out with you one day at a time. You are good Abba. You have good for me and You know how to give good gifts. Why should I sweat this?

This week in New York will be good for me. A week away with some solid friends. More time and space from the situation. New York City, man Jesus I can't wait to see 8 million of my brothers and sisters in one place.

...I pray that You help Bea find peace and joy.

Fun.: Carry On

01/01/13

Moses tries for two chapters to convince God that he has picked the wrong man, and God seems all the more convinced with each question that he has picked the right man.
-Velvet Elvis Movement 1

Moses was called to fail.

staff to snake: Fail
water to blood: Fail
frogs: Fail
lice or gnats: Fail
swarms of flies: Fail
epidemic disease: Fail
boils: Fail
hail: Fail
locusts: Fail
darkness: Fail

God told Moses to go to Pharaoh at least ten times and Pharaoh never listened.

What could have been going through Moses' mind?

He at first didn't want to be the one and then God kept calling him before Pharaoh and failing.

Does God call us sometimes to fail?

How on earth did Moses continue to obey God after the frogs, or the boils, or the locusts?

Moses knew his calling but he had no idea the course.

As I look at the life of Moses and I think about how God knew Pharaoh wouldn't be convinced, in fact scripture says God was the one hardening Pharaoh's heart, I think about my own life.

There have been times in my life where I have felt Your call Abba only to have the door shut in my face. Was that part of the course? Or was I not suppose to be down that path in the first place?

Who can say? Only You I suppose.

You and Aaron must take the staff and assemble the entire community. As the people watch, speak to the rock over there, and it will pour out its water. You will provide enough water from the rock to satisfy the whole community and their livestock.

Then Moses raised his hand and struck the rock twice with the staff, and water gushed out. So the entire community and their livestock drank their fill.

Because you did not trust me enough to demonstrate my holiness to the people of Israel, you will not lead them into the land I am giving them!
-Numbers 20

All the things Moses did...and in two swings of the staff He lost it all.

The writer of Numbers doesn't give me much detail about why Moses swung the staff or how he swung it or what was in his heart when he swung it but the point is that one action cost him the finish line.

It makes me nervous for my salvation. Could one wrong step damn me forever?

I know that Moses made it to heaven because on the Mt. of Transfiguration he is there with Jesus. But it still interests me.

I wonder how many staves I've swung costing me promised lands in this life.

I wonder how many times I failed to demonstrate Your holiness to the people.

Not only are we sometimes called to fail but sometimes we flat out fail.
How do I know the difference? I can't. Only God knows.

This is such an interesting time of my life. I'm on the verge of youth and adulthood. When should I get married? Should I go to Africa for a year, for more? Should I join a WWOOF? Should I join a non profit? Should I landscape? Should I move to New York? Should I get a 9 to 5? Should I even get married at all?

Abba, was I called to fail in my previous relationships, or did I not demonstrate your holiness?

Did I fail so that You could teach me a life of celibacy, or to prepare me for my next relationship? Or maybe I just flat out failed and I have to determine what to do about it, how to respond...

I do miss Bea.

Enter The Worship Circle - Orphan Song