01/29/14

"For God's sake," I said, "go out into the world and live - and when I say live I mean love, because it's love that matters, it's love that's at the heart of Christianity, it's love that's the absolute truth of all absolute truths, not fear, repression and self hatred!"
Charley was more appalled than ever. "But Dad, you're talking like Bishop Robinson - you're regurgitating all that rubbish he wrote in Honest to God - you're talking like all those liberal-radicals you despise!"
"Well, why not? Aren't we all groping after truth, all of us in our different ways? And if we all begin to sound alike, doesn't that mean the truth is getting closer and all its facets are finally becoming one?"
"But what about morality? What about all the dangers of fornication and adultery? What about all the rules one has to follow in order to live decently?"
"Slavishly sticking to the letter of the law can result in a distortion of justice. 'The letter killeth,'" I said, "'but the Spirit giveth life,'"
"But we've got to have moral laws!"
"I'm not saying that we shouldn't. I'm merely pointing out that if you get too obsessed by the laws you wind up worshipping them - and that's not only idolatry but the destruction of the very things that the laws are trying to preserve!"
Chapter 13 Section 2 Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch

The Spirit gives life
to live is to love
to love is to express and feel freely

I relate so well to Bishop Ashworth as he journeys through live experiencing order then chaos and all the while attempting to pull truth and beauty out of the whole mess.

Christians love to ask if you are 'saved' they love to ask when you were 'reborn' as if it all happens on one simple day.

As if I could ask an artist what was the date that you created this piece? it would be insane. Art is created over a long span of time and the artist only got to this final result after completing and failing at all their other previous works.

Life is the same way. When was I 'saved'? This morning, yesterday, last week, tomorrow...I can't possibly pin one day to it because God the creating artist is never finished with his piece God is always working it pulling beauty out of the whole mess of it.

Even more I wouldn't throw off my past exclaiming I've been 'reborn' because without such a past, without such mistakes, and bad theology, and misunderstandings of God I wouldn't be standing in the place I am now, it is all one life, one story, just like my body is all one, it cannot be separated into simply the hands or simply the mind, or simply the head, it is all one.

When people asked me about the #XcountryXmas adventure they would ask things like
what was your favorite part?
Where did you end up?
Why did you do it?

They were questions I had never even thought about on the adventure. If I told people I went to San Fran they would check out as if everything in between was just travel time. Yes San Fran was as far West as I got but it wasn't the destination, I didn't have one...

My favorite part of the trip? The whole thing was one trip, it is had to cut it into sections because it all was connected, it all lead to each other. Its hard to separate it when it slowly transforms before your eyes.

Why did I do it as if I needed a task or a purpose for everything I do, an explanation. If life should be boiled down to measured values and reasons.

I wonder what God would say if I asked What was your favorite part of this Creation? Where did your work end up? Why did you do it? I'm sure God would think I've missed the point of life...missed the point of love.

How can Christians expect people to know when they were 'saved' why they have a relationship with God? Its missing the point of it all.

The end can never be the point.
Marriage always ends in either divorce or death. It is how it is built. Why would anyone want to build something with another person only to have that person die? It's missing the point entirely. Why would I drive from Columbus to the Pacific then back to Columbus, isn't their a shorter route from the front of my house to the back? It's missing the point entirely. Why create a piece of artwork that doesn't 'do' anything? It can't be eaten, it can't be slept in? It's missing the point entirely.

The point is to live and to live is to love. The point is to love. And love from a logical, scientific, business mindset is a very, very, foolish waste.

And this is one of the endless reasons why I love Christ so much.
He gives us room to grow, experience, seek, fail, risk, and find.

My first thoughts of Jesus were horribly off, but I don't regret them because they led me to who I am today. If God were to have looked in my heart and made the judgement then, I'd be in Hell right now. But God didn't God simply let me continue to grow, take shape, even today God continues His master piece in Creation. I wonder if such an artist can ever truly be finally done with the piece.

I wonder if God will one day end this world and create a new Earth.
I wonder if God will really make a judgement on each brother and sister to determine a final residence for all in either Heaven or Hell.

The more I grow and experience life, the more excited I am to see the next step in God's piece of art and the more blessed and honored I feel that God has not only allowed me a place in the Creation but also a role.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

Gem Club - Speech of Foxes

01/25/14

And as I spoke I was remembering the concentration camp where chaos had reigned and God had appeared absent and I had never known from one day to the next whether I would survive. Then my memory spun backwards beyond the war - both wars - to my childhood when again I had lived with uncertainty and never known from one day to the next if my strict father would decide to beat me in order to bring me up properly. One had to have certainties otherwise life became hideous, painful, terrifying. Order had to be promoted and defended with tenacity. It was a question of survival... I was floundering around in reality now, that violent world where death tore gaping holes in the fabric of life, but fortunately my position as bishop meant that I knew how to reduce it to order. There were rituals to be observed, tradition to be embraced, standards to be maintained.
-Chapter 7 Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch

I was born in the small town of Wauseon Ohio in December of 1987. Wauseon's population is around 7,000 people. The place is about 82% white and 14% Hispanic. My family moved once in my life from one house in Wauseon to another. My parents have been married since 1982. They have had the same two jobs since I was born. From birth to 20 life was very organized. Very orderly.

There is only one high school in Wauseon.
I had the same friends from kindergarten to graduation.
I attended my small town christian church with my entire family from birth until graduation.
I started working for my father at a local lumber yard when I was 15 and continued to every summer until I was 19.
My family would take one summer vacation a year for about a week. Except for the summer after 6th grade where we bought a family computer instead.
I met and started dating the same high school sweetheart of mine from 16 until 24.

Life fit perfectly into a nice neat box. God also fit very neatly in the box I had for him. Life and the world made sense. Order was safe and very predictable.

After I graduated high school in the summer of 2006 I attended the local community college for two years before I transferred to Ohio State in Columbus Ohio during the fall of 2008.

Living in Columbus during that time life slowly began to unravel. My box started to have to grow a bit and make exceptions to the rules. I saw for the first time in my life homeless people sitting on the side walk with signs and cups. I saw for my first time a political election year where not everyone agreed. I saw situations that were not predominantly white people. I've lived in Columbus for 5 years now and with every year that I continue, not just exploring this city but also others such as New York, San Francisco, N'Dola Zambia, and more, life and God seem to be making less and less sense as far as my box is concerned.

Is the bible 100% true?
Is Jesus white?
If you don't profess Jesus as savior do you go to hell?
Should everyone just work harder and not get handouts?
Should gay people not be allowed to get married?
Should CEOs get to pay their workers what they please?
Can people find God through other religions?

"One had to have certainties otherwise life became hideous, painful, terrifying. Order had to be promoted and defended with tenacity."

But what if life doesn't fit into order? What if life is hideous, painful, terrifying?
What if that is exactly what Jesus not only knew about life but also commanded us to prepare for and to bravely stand in?

"I was floundering around in reality now, that violent world where death tore gaping holes in the fabric of life, but fortunately my position as bishop meant that I knew how to reduce it to order. There were rituals to be observed, tradition to be embraced, standards to be maintained."

What if Jesus hates reducing life to order? What if Jesus hates rituals and traditions and standards to help us sleep through life rather than think and live?

What if Jesus is the truth and the truth is chaotic and cannot be organized, cannot be reduced?

Abortion,
Gay Marriage,
Minimum wadge,
Health care,
Gun rights,
legalizing pot,
global warming,
prison systems,
education systems,

what if there isn't a right answer to any of these social issues? What if none of these can be solved by a simple blanket federal law? What if each and every case, each and every person is different and cannot be filed into a nice neat orderly research finding to create simple quick fix government programs?

What if abortion is completely wrong in one case and completely right in another?
What if one gay couple displays love better than one heterosexual couple?
The list could go on, what if Jesus, God, the Creator of this 'reality' we live in, the Great Spirit, whatever you want to call it has been trying to teach us from the very beginning of time that life isn't orderly, life can't be understood, life is the most complex organism, structure ever known, next to the Creator of it all of course.

This brings me to last Monday night. I was sitting between Mikey Mike and James at the pantry thinking during Travis' worship. I kept thinking about God. What is God? I started thinking about the #XcountryXmas adventure how had God touched me in so many disorderly ways?

The more I pondered about God the more God seems to slip through my fingers. God doesn't just speak to the holy but he doesn't just speak to the sinner. God doesn't just respond to the evangelical, God responds to the atheist too. I kept trying to box God in and the older I get, the more I experience in life the bigger and more chaotic God keeps getting. It's starting to get hideous, painful, terrifying because it means that God won't do what I want if I just live a certain way or pray a certain string of words. God doesn't just live in Wauseon Ohio, He lives everywhere from the farthest star to the tiniest electron and I can't handle it.

I started thinking about how God is kinda like blood. God can't be simply held in your hands, God will slip through your fingers. God is sticky like blood, An encounter isn't easily washed off, it sticks with you. Blood stains everything it touches, Once someone has encountered God everything those hands touch will also be stained with the red sticky love. Blood pours out of the hearts of all of us, life is in the blood, God is in the life. The flow of blood in this life is never ending. We all carry it within us and when it does come out everyone stops to see, blood impacts people. Blood stains shirts, it stains our lives. I started to think about my trip, as if those who had adventured before me also bled on those mountains, bled on the desert sand, bled in the ocean and I thought about how I had felt God in the mountains, in everything. Blood isn't orderly, it pours out without warning and it is hard to contain depending on the amount and the unpredictable arrival. I think about last Friday when Jeremiah fell from the playground at work and blood was pouring from his head, the terror, the unpredictable, unorderly incident!

God is kinda like blood.
But so much more than that.
God cannot be boxed in. God cannot be understood.

How foolish can some Christians be to actually think they can talk about God as if they understand? To debate, and convince, other humans of "who God is"

Who God is?

how on earth did this person figure it out? Our brains are too small, to temporary, always forgetting, always failing.

Who God is, isn't that the fun of this life, to think, to live, to seek and yet as deep as you desire to go God is still deeper. It's enough to make you want to throw up your hands in despair and proclaim "I give up" but love appears just then, God appears, in the darkest of moments and assures that you are doing wonderfully. God says to our hearts, I know, it is so overwhelming, it is so confusing, it is so chaotic, but I am here with you.

That's enough, not a God who acts as a genie, not a God who tells all the answers, not a God who boxes and orders, but a God with us.

God simply says I love you, I am here with you. This is about the only absolute truth I am able to pull from life at this point in my experiences.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

Peter Bradley Adams - The Longer I Run

01/22/14

Jon carefully set the cat down on the floor. Then he looked me straight in the eyes and said one word. It was: "Forgive."
"Oh good heavens..." I had been sitting on the edge of my chair but now I sank back against the upholstery with a groan. "It's all very well for you to say that! You're a hermit, but I'm out there in the real world and I just can't afford -"
Christianity is, of course, a very costly religion," Said Jon, "but I'm sorry to hear you're finding it too expensive."
I groaned again, but in fact I welcomed this austere rebuke, found it bracing - as Jon had known I would. I needed a strong rod to flog me out of the pit of despair. A flimsy switch would have been of no use at all.
I took a deep breath. The boil had been lanced and the time had come to apply some antiseptic ointment. Calmer now that I had expelled my anger I began my attempt to regard my problems with detachment.
-Chapter 6 Section 2 Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch

Blood was rushing to my head, I could feel the pressure against my face as my heart raced. I could feel my blood beginning to boil. I had to remove myself from the situation. I thought about all the things Toni and I had talked about. I thought about all the things I'd been working on within myself. I was racing past it all like a bus with it's breaks cut. So I walked out of the kitchen. Brian still yelling. But I had to. I reached for my book and sat on the couch. My chest was pounding as it rose and feel. I told myself to take deep breaths just as I'd told Larenz in my class everyday.

Brian stormed upstairs after yelling out the last words. I didn't reply, I couldn't, I wasn't in a mental place where I could make a good decision. I sat there trying to read but the whole time stewing on the worthless argument. Brian and I hadn't had one like this in some time. We seems to fight like brothers at times. He knows how to push my buttons.

I sat there thinking, how can he have love and peace tattooed on his arm and still yell and call me those things? How can he be in seminary. He calls himself a pacifist, psh! I knew this wasn't loving on my half either, I took another long large deep breath. I was beginning to calm.

I started to think about our relationship, I've known Brian for almost, if not, 20 years now. In that time I recalled every fight we'd ever had and when I consider how stubborn and angry not only I was but Brian also, it added up to a lot of memories. The one thing I couldn't get over was how I was always the one to extend the olive branch. I was always the one to say sorry first. Brian had never done it before and he certainly wasn't going to do it this time. I started to get angry at the thought of me having to do the hard part. Yes I had gotten defensive but I didn't attach Brian or insult him like he had me. I hadn't yelled, I walked away before I could allow myself. Not this time, I'm not reconciling first, if he wants to, he can I declare to myself.

As I continued to try not to stew but only continued further Brian walked down the steps. He turned towards me and say, "I'm sorry for getting upset with you, I shouldn't have done that."

...I didn't know what to do, I had already made up my mind that he wasn't going to do that, I had already told myself he isn't fit to wear love on his sleeve and here he is no more than 5 minutes later doing what he has never done before in our 20 years of friendship.

"It really hurt when you insulted me dude, I'm sorry too."

He walked away, neither of us making eye contact for more than a split second.

And then I was alone again...
Christianity is, of course, a very costly religion
Now what? I thought as I was still in the middle of judging and raging silently towards Brian. Look at me I thought. Here I was ready to start a cold stubborn war and before I could even finish my thoughts he's already done what I never thought he would, He's plucked the olive branch and extended it before I even had time to calm down. I felt ashamed, I felt embarrassed, no one knew what I was thinking and feeling but I still felt poorly.

Then I started to feel proud of Brian. He had done what I never thought he would do. He's been growing and changing. I thought about myself and how well I handled the fight. Before I would have spent a half an hour yelling back and forth with the guy but the whole thing from start to finish probably lasted 7 minutes. We are growing. I sat thinking about this new revelation.

Christianity is a costly lifestyle. I started thinking about how the world works, how I use to work. Strength in our society isn't about apologizing first, it isn't about walking away in the midst of a fight, It isn't about losing or quitting. But isn't it easier to stay and yell back? Isn't it easier to not say sorry?

I think about all the "manly" role models movies give me. People like James Bond.

It doesn't take strength for a man to fight another
It doesn't take strength for a man to drink until drunk
It doesn't take strength for a man to have sex with loads of different women.

That stuff is easy to do. If you want a challenge, If you want a true test of strength,

Try to apologize first every time, try to avoid all fights.
Try to remain sober, or know when to stop drinking.
Try to devote yourself wholly to one woman, or restrain from all while waiting.

This stuff isn't seen as masculine. But in all reality it is the must harder road. It takes more character, more drive, more leadership, to live the Christian life than to chase after whatever you desire in the moment, letting yourself be controlled by your feelings and senses. That isn't freedom. That's weakness and slavery.

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do and I wonder if the men I see on TV would even be capable of such a task.

James Bond
Rambo
Achilles

What is strength? True strength? What is freedom?

Brian is more of a man than James Bond could hope to be.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

House Of Cards - Radiohead

01/20/14

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”
― Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

"Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree."
-Martin Luther

...I do not understand. What is this hope that these followers of Christ have? How can someone live like this? I don't understand.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

Martin Luther King Jr - But if Not


But if not, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.
-Daniel 3

There was a day when many of the Israelites found themselves in bondage in Babylon. There was a king of Babylon by the name of Nebuchadnezzar, you read about him a good deal in the book of Daniel, and it stands as an epic that will remain stenciled on the mental sheets of unfolding generations. Nebuchadnezzar was a mighty king, and when he ruled, he ruled and when he issued an order he meant business. And Nebuchadnezzar issued an order. He made a golden image and his order was that everybody under the reign of his kingship had to bow before that golden image and worship it. Now those of you who read the Bible remember that story. One day Nebuchadnezzar called in the judges and the governors and the sheriffs, and they had a dedicatory service for this golden image, and then he said to them "I'm instructing you to see that everybody bows before this golden image." But there were three young men around there. One's name was Shadrach, the other one's name was Meshach, and the other name was Abednego. And they answered--and I read it from the scripture--and said to the king
"O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this manner [sic].
"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.
"But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up." [1]
Now I want you to notice first, here, that these young men practiced civil disobedience. Civil disobedience is the refusal to abide by an order of the government or of the state or even of the court that your conscience tells you is unjust. Civil disobedience is based on a commitment to conscience. In other words, one who practice[s] civil disobedience is obedient to what he considers a higher law. And there comes a time when a moral man can't* obey a law which his conscience tells him is unjust. And I tell you this morning, my friends, that history has moved on, and great moments have often come forth because there were those individuals, in every age in [and?] every generation, who were willing to say "I will be obedient to a higher law." These men were saying "I must be disobedient to a king in order to be obedient to the King." And those people who so often criticize those of us who come to those moments when we must practice civil disobedience never remember that even right here in America, in order to get free from the oppression and the colonialism of the British Empire, our nation practiced civil disobedience. For what represented civil disobedience more than the Boston Tea Party. And never forget that everything that Hitler did in Germany was legal! It was legal to do everything that Hitler did to the Jews. It was a law in Germany that Hitler issued himself that it was wrong and illegal to aid and comfort a Jew in Hitler's Germany. But I tell you if I had lived in Hitler's Germany with my attitude, I would have openly broken that law. I would have practiced civil disobedience. And so it is important to see that there are times when a man-made law is out of harmony with the moral law of the universe, there are times when human law is out of harmony with eternal and divine laws. And when that happens, you have an obligation to break it, and I'm happy that in breaking it, I have some good company. I have Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. I have Jesus and Socrates. And I have all of the early Christians who refused to bow.

Now the second interesting point is that these men never doubted God and his power. As they did what they did, they made it very clear that they knew that God had the power to spare them; they said that to the king: "Now we know that the God that we worship is able to deliver us." And that grew out of their experience. They had known God, they had experienced God in nature and they knew God as the creator. And then they had seen God in history. And then they had seen God, I'm sure, in their personal lives. They never doubted God's power to deliver them.

But let me move now to the basic point of the message. Know this morning, if we forget everything I've said, I hope you won't forget this. It came to the point after saying "Our God is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, but! if he doesn't deliver us, we still are not gonna bow." "But if not" -- do you get that? That these men were saying that "Our faith is so deep and that we've found something so dear and so precious that nothing can turn us away from it. Our God is able to deliver us, but if not..." This simply means, my friends, that the ultimate test of one's faith is his ability to say "But if not." You see there is what you may call an 'if' faith, and there is a 'though' faith. And the permanent faith, the lasting, the powerful faith is the 'though' faith. Now the 'if' faith says, "If all goes well; if life is hopeful, prosperous and happy; if I don't have to go to jail; if I don't have to face the agonies and burdens of life; if I'm not ever called bad names because of taking a stand that I feel that I must take; if none of these things happen, then I'll have faith in God, then I'll be alright." That's the 'if' faith. You know, a lot of people have the 'if' faith. Jacob found himself in that dilemma once, and his faith was contingent on an if. And he said "Now if God will be with me and if he will keep me in this way that I go; and if God will give me bread to eat and raiment to put on, that I come again to my father's house in peace, then shall the LORD be my God." [2] That's the 'if' faith; Jacob hadn't quite gotten to the essence of religion.

There is a 'though' faith, though. And the 'though' faith says "Though things go wrong; though evil is temporarily triumphant; though sickness comes and the cross looms, neverthless! I'm gonna believe anyway and I'm gonna have faith anyway; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof, the LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge." [3] And old Job got to that point, he had a 'though' faith. He looked out and everything that he had had been taken away from him, and even his wife said to him "Now, what you ought to do, Brother Job, is to curse God and die. God has been unkind to you, and you should have let God know a long time ago that you would only follow him if he allowed you to stay rich, if he allowed your cattle to stay in place. You ought to curse him and die, Job, because he hasn't treated you right." But Job said "Honey, I'm sorry but my faith is deeper than that. Though he slay me, yet will I trust him. My faith is a 'though' faith." And this is the essence of life and religion. The question is whether you have an 'if' faith, or whether you have a 'though' faith.

You know what this says in substance, that ultimately religion is not a bargaining matter. A lot of people bargain with God. "If you just let me avoid pain, God; if you allow me to be happy in all of its dimensions; if you don't allow any suffering to come; if you don't allow frustrating moments to come, then I'll be alright, I'll give you a tenth of my income [2], and I'll go to church and I'll have faith in you." But religion is not a bargaining experience, it's not a commercial relationship. And you know, no great experience in the bargaining atmosphere. Think of friendship, think of love, and think of marriage. These things are not based on 'if,' they're based on 'though.' These great experiences are not based on a bargaining relationship, not an 'if' faith, but a 'though' faith.

And I'm coming to my conclusion now. And I want to say to you this morning, my friends, that somewhere along the way you should discover something that's so dear, so precious to you, that is so eternally worthful, that you will never give it up. You ought to discover some principle, you ought to have some great faith that grips you so much that you will never give it up. Somehow you go on and say "I know that the God that I worship is able to deliver me, but if not, I'm going on anyhow, I'm going to stand up for it anyway." What does this mean? It means, in the final analysis, you do right not to avoid hell. If you're doing right merely to keep from going to something that traditional theology has called hell then you aren't* doing right. If you do right merely to go to a condition that theologians have called heaven, you aren't doing right. If you are doing right to avoid pain and to achieve happiness and pleasure then you aren't doing right. Ultimately you must do right because it's right to do right. And you got to say "But if not." You must love ultimately because it's lovely to love. You must be just because it's right to be just. You must be honest because it's right to be honest. This is what this text is saying more than anything else. And finally, you must do it because it has gripped you so much that you are willing to die for it if necessary. And I say to you this morning, that if you have never found something so dear and so precious to you that you will die for it, then you aren't fit to live. You may be 38 years old as I happen to be, and one day some great opportunity stands before you and calls upon you to stand up for some great principle, some great issue, some great cause--and you refuse to do it because you are afraid; you refuse to do it because you want to live longer; you're afraid that you will lose your job, or you're afraid that you will be criticized or that you will lose your popularity or you're afraid that somebody will stab you or shoot at you or bomb your house, and so you refuse to take the stand. Well you may go on and live until you are 90, but you're just as dead at 38 as you would be at 90! And the cessation of breathing in your life is but the belated announcement of an earlier death of the spirit. You died when you refused to stand up for right, you died when you refused to stand up for truth, you died when you refused to stand up for justice. These boys stand before us today, and I thank God for them, for they had found something. The fiery furnace couldn't stop them from believing. They said "Throw us into the fiery furnace." But you know the interesting thing is, the Bible talks about a miracle. Because they had faith enough to say "But if not," God was with them as an eternal companion.

And this is what I want to say finally, that there is a reward if you do right for righteousness' sake. It says that somehow that burning fiery furnace was transformed into an air-conditioned living room. [light laughter] Somebody looked in there and said "We put three in here, but now we see four." Don't ever think you're by yourself. Go on to jail if necessary but you'll never go alone. Take a stand for that which is right, and the world may misunderstand you and criticize you, but you never go alone, for somewhere I read that "One with God is a majority," and God has a way of transforming a minority into a majority. Walk with him this morning and believe in him and do what is right and he'll be with you even until the consummation of the ages. Yes, I've seen the lightning flash, I've heard the thunder roll, I've felt sin's breakers dashing trying to conquer my soul but I heard the voice of Jesus saying still to fight on, he promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone; no, never alone, no, never alone. He promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone. Where you going this morning, my friends, tell the world that you're going with truth. You're going with justice, you're going with goodness, and you will have an eternal companionship. And the world will look at you and they won't understand you, for your fiery furnace will be around you, but you'll go on anyhow. But if not, I will not bow, and God grant that we will never bow before the gods of evil.

[1] Daniel 3:16-18
[2] Genesis 28:20-21
[3] Psalm 46:3, 7

01/18/14

So much for the permissive society! Young people refuse to acknowledge that there can be rewards for enduring the dark days of a marriage; happiness is always supposed to be instantaneous and any deferral is regarded as intolerable. Was there ever such a flight from reality? No wonder the young resort to drugs to ease their disorientation! They have never been taught to face reality and endure it - or in other words, they have never been taught how to survive. The permissive society is a phantom utopia which promises perfect freedom and yet has all its adherents in chains on Death Row.
-Chapter 1 Section 3 Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch

“The end of life is not to be happy, nor to achieve pleasure & avoid pain, but to do the will of God, come what may.”
-Martin Luther King Jr

Aesthetics (also spelled æsthetics) is a branch of philosophy dealing with the nature of art, beauty, and taste, with the creation and appreciation of beauty. It is more scientifically defined as the study of sensory or sensori-emotional values, sometimes called judgments of sentiment and taste. More broadly, scholars in the field define aesthetics as "critical reflection on art, culture and nature."

When I was on the #XcountryXmas adventure I kept thinking to myself; what if I was blind?
what would this trip be to me if I couldn't see anything.
Was the entire trip merely about the sights the aesthetically visual pleasing? Would I have a desire to drive (or in the case of blindness ride) to the coast and back without the sense of sight?

Do I view deferrals of happiness as intolerable?
Do I honestly believe MLK when he says the meaning of life isn't to be happy, it isn't to dodge pain and search for pleasure?

I know what the bible teaches about all of this stuff. I know in my head that MLK is right. But what of my heart, what of reality? I have the faith but as for the deeds... the 'acts'

I don't want to be a man who lives a life in a phantom utopia. I don't want to be in chains on Death Row because of my aesthetics.

Would I entertain a company of annoying people?
Would I eat a diet of bland flavors?
Would I explore a world without sight?
Would I worship God without comfort?

There is something beautiful to toil.
There is something aesthetic to strife.

It is as if God created the world that way.

I once heard somewhere:
sin gives the reward first then the consequence.
Righteousness is the opposite after the perseverance comes the reward.

“Since you listened to your wife and ate from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat, the ground is cursed because of you. All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it. It will grow thorns and thistles for you, though you will eat of its grains. By the sweat of your brow will you have food to eat until you return to the ground from which you were made. For you were made from dust, and to dust you will return.”
-Genesis 3

Bea told me during her urban gardening internship she learned that this was not a punishment from God to man but rather the new way to reconnect with God. Because of sin it now had to be this way.

Struggle to scratch a living,
By the sweat of your brow will you have food to eat

There is something beautiful to toil.
There is something aesthetic to strife.

It is only through all the brutal practices and workout that the team wins the championship.
It is only through sore muscles, and aching back that the seeds are planted.
It is only through calloused fingers and muscle memory strumming that the song is written.
It is only through 20 page papers and all night studying that the degree is obtained.
It is only through honesty and self sacrifice that a 60 year marriage is maintained.

The end justifies the means.

But the reward can only be that satisfying with the reality of risk ever present.

The teams could play their best, but one must lose
The seeds could be planted, but the rain must fall
The song could be written, but the audience might jeer
The material could be known, but the grade might fail
The wife might love intensely, but the husband must as well.

This is the brutal beautiful reality that is life.

I don't want to live in the permissive society.
I don't want to be ruled by my aesthetics.
I want to be free. I want to live.

To love is to risk.
To risk is to live.
To live is to love.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

Glen Hansard - What are We gonna do

01/15/14

twenty one pilots: Holding On To You


I'm taking over my body, back in control, no more shotty,
I bet a lot of me was lost, 't's uncrossed and 'I's undotted,
I fought it a lot and it seems a lot like flesh is all I got,
Not anymore, flesh out the door, swat,
I must've forgot, you can't trust me,
I'm open a moment and close when you show it,
Before you know it I'm lost at sea,
And now that I write and think about it,
And the story unfolds,
You should take my life, you should take my soul.

You are surrounding all my surroundings,
Sounding down the mountain range of my left-side brain,
You are surrounding all my surroundings,
Twisting the kaleidoscope behind both of my eyes.

And I'll be holding on to you

Remember the moment you know exactly where you're going,
'Cause the next moment, before you know it,
Time is slowing and it's frozen still,
And the window sill looks really nice, right?
You think twice about your life, it probably happens at night,
Right? Fight it, take the pain, ignite it,
Tie a noose around your mind loose enough to breathe fine and tie it,
To a tree, tell it, "You belong to me,
This ain't a noose, this is a leash,
And I have news for you, you must obey me."

You are surrounding all my surroundings,
Sounding down the mountain range of my left-side brain,
You are surrounding all my surroundings,
Twisting the kaleidoscope behind both of my eyes.

Entertain my faith

Lean with it, rock with it,
When we gonna stop with it,
Lyrics that mean nothing, we were gifted with thought,
Is it time to move our feet to an introspective beat,
It ain't the speakers that bump hearts, it's our hearts that make the beat.

And I'll be holding on to you.






I'm terrified to feel.
I'm afraid of getting hurt.
I'm so fucking scared.
but fear has no end. It only changes shape. I use to fear failing midterms and exams. Then I feared getting fired. Fear has no end. Miscarriages, becoming a widower, My children never talking to me, Divorce, Car crashes, Cancer, fear has no end. Perfect Love casts out all fear. Love, perfect love is fear's end. To be alive is to risk. Risk isn't the issue. It is how I allow my mind to view that risk. Will I live in fear or will I live in Love?
We always have a choice.
And I'll be holding on to You.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

01/11/14

That evening the disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. Send the crowds away so they can go to the villages and buy food for themselves.” But Jesus said, “That isn’t necessary—you feed them.”
-Matthew 14

There are things we can do
But from the things that work there are only two
And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win
And fear will lose
There's faith and there's sleep
We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake
And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive
-twenty one pilots, Car Radio

To follow Jesus, really is to die.
To follow Jesus is to give everything.
To give all of me.
All of me.
When I was a child I thought it meant not making God angry.
When I was in college I thought it meant studying a book.
When I was out of college I thought it meant doing what the book says.
Now I am beginning to see that following Jesus isn't just about knowledge, isn't just about acts, it's also about feelings.

This as it turns out is the most agonizing part of following Jesus.
I use to fear martyrdom, I use to fear serving my fingers to the bone. I use to fear screwing up, I use to fear hell and the sins I desire that merit the dwelling place. But the scariest part is feeling.

I never knew feeling could hurt so bad. Jesus wants us to feel. Jesus wants us to stand firm. Not to cover up, not to cope, not to run, not to hide, not to fear, but to stand and feel. Not to sleep.

We sleep when we get angry.
We sleep when we deny our feelings.
We sleep when we stop expressing ourselves.
Atheists can sleep just as easily as Christians.
We sleep when we fear.

Faith is to be awake
And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive.
And Jesus wants us to have life and have it to the fullest.
To be alive is to have Jesus.
To have Jesus is to have peace.

And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win
And fear will lose

But what a taxing request from our Creator. To always think. To avoid zombie infection in everything we do. It reminds me of last summer standing in the Atlantic ocean waist deep bracing for wave after wave. Salt stinging my tongue, feel dug into the sand getting hit by wave after wave of the endless ocean. Jesus tells us that if we want to follow Him, if we want to taste life, true, full life, then we must take the hits, each and every one of them. Take all of the hits and take them well.

Never grow bitter as the waves crash upon your face
Never turn and run to the safety of fear on the beach
Never fall into despair thinking that the waves will consume you
Never grow weary and tired as stamina and body begins to fail

No the path to life, the path to peace, the path of Christ is the narrow one. On one side is the endless pit of angry and bitterness. On the other is fear and despair. We are called to balance. To never dodge, never hit, never run, never fear, but rather we are called to feel.

We are called to love.
Love our enemies even when they execute us naked on a cross.
Love our neighbor even when they slander us or steal.
Love our loved ones even when they reject us and deny us.

This is true life. In this we find true peace. In this we find...our Creator.

The atheist, the humanist, the hippie, they can only go where their senses are pleased.
Do what feels good. Say what you think. Go where you desire.

but this is a life of sleep.
What if doing what doesn't feel good is better for you?
What if listening to what someone else knows teaches you?
What if staying where you are or going where you don't want helps someone?

Followers of Christ have this well that doesn't run dry. They are fueled by something beyond themselves. Those without Christ can only go as far as the ends of themselves and although that may be an enlightening place, it is all the further they can go. But the one who has the Holy Spirit within them can find new strength where they end. At the end of their rope is when God begins. It is there that we find for the first time in our lives we are awake. We are thinking, We are free, we are...alive.

It is there that we find this strength to love.
It is there that we can love unto death.
We can love in the face of injustice.
We can love in the face of rejection and denial.

It is there that God receives glory from the unbeliever. It is there that the asleep look upon the awake and in awe ask "From where does your strength come?"

Heaven is a place of the alive, the awake, the expressive.
Hell is a place of the dead, the asleep, the frightened.

What an easy way to live, sleep.
What an agonizing yet beautiful path to life, faith.

I will choose faith although I will not live this life walking perfectly along the narrow path of thinking. Many times I will stumble into fear. Many times I will fall into despair. Many times I will fall asleep. But Just as many I will climb back upon the path and I will never stop trying to walk on the path of faith for what other choice do I have?

What choice did Jesus have before the cross? His love, His being couldn't allow for another path. Jesus couldn't, God can't, choose anything but love.

I am made in that imagine.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

Inside Llewyn Davis - Fare Thee Well

01/08/14

When John, who was in prison, heard about the deeds of the Messiah, he sent his disciples to ask him, “Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?” Jesus replied, “Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor. Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me.”
-Matthew 11

Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me? what does that mean?

Are you the messiah?
the blind see
the lame walk
lepers are clean
the deaf hear
the dead are raised
good news is proclaimed to the poor...
Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me

something doesn't fit...
Why would you say that?

John was in prison. He sent his disciples to ask Jesus if he is the messiah or should he expect someone else.

What is hope?

What does it mean to have hope for sight?
Hope to walk
hope to be clean
hope to hear
hope to be raised
hope of good news
...hope of being freed from prison...

Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me

What if I have hope that Jesus will do something and He does it?
What if I have hope that Jesus will do something and He doesn't?

Would I stumble on account of him?
Would I expect someone else if Jesus didn't do as I hoped?
Is that what hope is? Is hope just wishful thinking? Is hope something more unconditional?

Aim at Heaven and you will get earth "thrown in": aim at earth and you will get neither. It seems a strange rule, but something like it can be seen at work in other matters. Health is a great blessing, but the moment you make health one of your main, direct objects you start becoming a crank and imagining there is something wrong with you. You are only likely to get health provided you want other things more food, games, work, fun, open air. In the same way, we shall never save civilisation as long as civilisation is our main object. We must learn to want something else even more.
-Mere Christianity Chapter 10 Hope C.S. Lewis

It's like Toni had told me Saturday. Fill my well with anything but God and I will forever be thirsty. Like a house on sand. Fill my well with God and the other things seem to fall into place. Give up my life and there, and only there, can I find it. I shall never have marriage as long as marriage is my main object. I must learn to want something else even more.

The longings which arise in us when we first fall in love, or first think of some foreign country, or first take up some subject that excites us, are longings which no marriage, no travel, no learning, can really satisfy. I am not now speaking of what would be ordinarily called unsuccessful marriages, or holidays, or learned careers. I am speaking of the best possible ones. There was something we grasped at, in that first moment of longing, which just fades away in the reality. I think everyone knows what I mean. The wife may be a good wife, and the hotels and scenery may have been excellent, and chemistry may be a very interesting job: but something has evaded us.
-Mere Christianity Chapter 10 Hope C.S. Lewis

Something has evaded me. It's like as I drove further and further west in my car 2 weeks ago I had this longing for the foreign land. The mountains were more than I imagined. The trip was more fulfilling that I had thought...but something had evaded me. Dessert for the eyes. I cannot make a diet of desserts. It will not sustain me. Cake batter is an amazing treat but the entire bowl is quite another thing. Like walking closer and closer towards a mirage, once I reach the spot where it was supposed to be the illusion has vanished from this spot but it has reappeared further down as if I will truly reach the oasis the next attempt.

Now there are two wrong ways of dealing with this fact, and one right one.

(1) The Fool's Way. He puts the blame on the things themselves. He goes on all his life thinking that if only he tried another woman, or went for a more expensive holiday, or whatever it is, then, this time, he really would catch the mysterious something we are all after. Most of the bored, discontented, rich people in the world are of this type. They spend their whole lives trotting from woman to woman (through the divorce courts), from continent to continent, from hobby to hobby, always thinking that the latest is "the Real Thing" at last, and always disappointed.

(2) The Way of the Disillusioned "Sensible Man." He soon decides that the whole thing was moonshine. "Of course," he says, "one feels like that when one's young. But by the time you get to my age you've given up chasing the rainbow's end." And so he settles down and learns not to expect too much and represses the part of himself which used, as he would say, "to cry for the moon." This is, of course, a much better way than the first, and makes a man much happier, and less of a nuisance to society. It tends to make him a prig (he is apt to be rather superior towards what he calls "adolescents"), but, on the whole, he rubs along fairly comfortably.

It would be the best line we could take if man did not live for ever. But supposing infinite happiness really is there, waiting for us? Supposing one really can reach the rainbow's end? In that case it would be a pity to find out too late (a moment after death) that by our supposed "common sense" we had stifled in ourselves the faculty of enjoying it.

(3) The Christian Way. The Christian says, "Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing. If that is so, I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage.
-Mere Christianity Chapter 10 Hope C.S. Lewis

Jesus says hope is not "The Fool's Way" assuming Jesus will break you out of whatever prison you find yourself in. Jesus says hope is not "The Way of the Disillusioned Sensible Man" stumbling on account of Him and expecting someone else, or worse no one at all.

Instead we must hope without conditions. We must not stumble while in captivity with expectations. However we must hope as the blind and expect sight.

Hope is something more.

I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage.

Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of Jesus.

How do I find the balance? How do I hope without caution and yet not become bitter with disappointment?

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

Blessed Feathers - Holyoke Springfield

01/04/14

'I wish I had known all this before,' said Pippin. 'I had no notion of what I was doing.'
'Oh yes, you had,' said Gandalf. 'You knew you were behaving wrongly and foolishly; and you told yourself so, though you did not listen. I did not tell you all this before, because it is only by musing on all that has happened that I have at last understood, even as we ride together. But if I had spoken sooner, it would not have lessened your desire, or made it easier to resist. On the contrary! No, the burned hand teaches best. After that advice about fire goes to the heart.'
-The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Chapter 11 The Palantír by J. R. R. Tolkien

No, the burned hand teaches best. After that advice about fire goes to the heart.
-Gandalf

As I sit in my car staring out the windshield at mile after mile of eye melting mountains with doughnuts of clouds around the summit and blue sky stretched over top like a fitted sheet I hear Gandalf's words over the roar of Stripe's new engine noise through the car's speakers.

the burned hand teaches best I think. I'm reminded of what I had said during my session with Toni and Bea. She burned her hand on me. Even if there may be something there that wasn't there before the memory of the burn still remains. Even if I may not be who she thinks I am. Even if everyday I continue to push through fear and experience the freedom and the life I have always wanted. After a burn like that, advice about fire goes to the heart.

This morning she wanted to eat breakfast with me and talk. It was awesome. She had just woken up, she was still in her pajamas and she looked amazing.

It's as if I had driven all over the country. I had seen everything from the great plains to the mountains of the west to the pacific ocean. It was all so amazing and it made my heart swell. But my favorite place in this planet is next to her. Sitting in a Bob Evans booth across from her and the mountains feel like anthills the ocean feels like a glass of water.

She thinks we are too different. She just doesn't "feel it." She isn't over Jordan.
She doesn't seem to see what is right in front of her across the booth. She doesn't seem to understand.

Being different isn't a bad thing.
Changing isn't a bad thing.
Seeing something there that wasn't there before isn't a bad thing.
Learning to trust again isn't a bad thing, not easy, but not a bad thing.

Sacrifice increases.

It doesn't seem like it should but it does.

Jesus says:
If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.
-Matthew 10

Only through sacrifice, only through giving up can we gain. It doesn't make sense. But it is how love works. Sacrifice increases. They say it is better to give than receive. That seems contradictory but in so many ways it is an increase.

I didn't mind much giving it up, cause I got even more of you

Jenny & Tyler - One Eyed Cat


...the burned hand teaches best. An hour and a half goes by in a blink as we sit there talking about my trip, about her family, about Joshua House, she leans her head on the side of the wall as I make her laugh while we talk about hippies and smoking pot. She leans forward as I tell her about the old lady I met in her wheel chair in San Francisco. She sits back as she sips her hot chocolate her hair and eyes matching the mug's contents. I want to jump across the table and kiss her lips in her soft green pjs with her white hat situated just right off to the side. But I can't. She is confused. She needs to properly cope with this Jordan stuff. She needs to properly choose me. Clear headed, unbiased, completely free. Without such a choice I don't want any of this. For to kiss her would be like pressing my lips against a stone. If her heart and will are not in it, If I am second place to another, if I am not chosen, what good is a kiss? it triggers nerves and skin cells but what good are her lips without her heart behind them?
Clanging cymbals
worthless
so I wait.

I drive over to Toni's and we sit and talk. She looks through the photo's of my trip and we talk about my breakfast with Bea. I set Bea's phone on her desk and explain she left it in my car.

Toni tells me that I have a need that I am trying to fill using Bea. Every human has 7 needs that act like wells in our souls. If the wells are dry we are like starving animals rabid for a drink. If anything but God fills those wells we will be tossed to and fro completely based on whatever inconsistent thing we are filling our well with that isn't God. If I want to be healthy I need to learn to fill all my wells from the living water. From God and only God. Until then I couldn't date Bea even if she wanted to. I've got a ways to go.

Even as I sit here tonight thinking about that breakfast. I can see myself attempting to fill the well with her. I don't want that. I can't want that. It'll never work. People always fail, it's because they are people. God never fails. So I begin the process of learning how to fill my wells with God.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

I need You to heal me God. I need my wells to be filled by You. Help me trust you Jesus.

01/02/14

Early Childhood Center Christmas Program 2013



In order to appreciate the most beautiful literature of this world I must know how to read.
If I want to appreciate the best music I must have a decent hear for melodies and harmonies.
If I want to appreciate this worlds art I must understand it.

My heart is only as expressed at my skills and abilities to articulate will allow.

The more words I have in my vocabulary arsenal the more I have the ability to hone in and communicate more specifically how I am feeling.

The more languages I know the broader the expression of my heart can be.

Babies cry because it is the only skill of communication they have at that stage in life. As we grow, as we learn, we become more expressive, we become more understood.

But there is always the chance that a word could meant two different things to two different people.

We spend out lives trying to express ourselves making sure that our hearts are understood as fully as they can be.

It makes me think about communicating with God. It is easy to communicate to God in limitless ways. If I play a song on the guitar God hears the expression I am attempting to create. If I say to God "You are good" God knows what the word "good" means to me and the exact definition that has been formed in my brain. If I paint something I have seen whether in my mind or from these eyes God knows the imagine from my heart from which this expression originates.

But what about the other end? What about communications from God? What language does God speak? Does he speak Hebrew? Does he speak to physical ears through airwaves? Does he speak through words on a page? Through signs? What if God isn't limited by the avenue from which he speaks but there is a way that he speaks and I am missing it.

As I was driving across the country living in my car by myself I didn't really read the bible that often. I didn't listen to sermons. I didn't pray a whole lot. But the strangest thing kept happening.

I felt God, often.

I couldn't understand it. I felt guilty for not reading the bible daily, I felt guilty for forgetting to pray some nights. But yet I felt as if each day was filled with relationship with God. How?

How does God speak? Does God have a mouth, vocal chords, a diaphragm? As if we could possibly have the audacity to assume we are capable of interpreting God's communications. God is so big and so wise that it seems to be very possible his thoughts, language, and communication couldn't possibly even begin to be captures inside my tiny decaying brain tissue.

There are portions of the light spectrum we cannot see.
There are some sound waves our ears cannot hear.
There are some ingredients our taste buds cannot detect.

How can we possibly imagine or believe that we have the ability to even begin to understand the expressions of God? The tiny, tiny, tiny, range I have for receiving communication is incredibly limited.

I started to wonder, how do I feel God on this trip without the bible and without prayer?

Then I started thinking about this communication stuff.

As if english translation of the bible is the only way God can speak to me
As if english words muttered from my limited vocabulary into short range sound waves are the only way God can hear my prayers.

Then I thought about the great plains of Nebraska. I thought about how my soul felt as my eyes digested the panoramic view of a tiny section of God's creation. I thought about my lungs as I would pull over and breath in slow and deep.

I thought about the mountains, the rockies, the sierras, the wasatch, how the air felt nearly 10,000 feet above sea level. Climbing and standing on the roof of my car seeing as far as my marbles of eyes could see. What is in the middle of them? What is below them? Are they slowly moving on tectonic plates higher and higher before my eyes? Yelling as I stand completely alone atop a mountain.

I thought about the Pacific Ocean. How many gallons? How many whales are in the very same water that is freezing my toes as I stand on the shoreline? Who has drank this water before my time?

I thought about the canyons of Utah. Did a slow passage of erosion cause this beautiful landscape or something we are unaware of?

I thought about the Kansas sunrise and how it looked like an upside down beach shore. The yellow orange glow from the sun like sand before it is visible melting into the deep blue of the dawn sky ocean.

Dinner with my mom and her sisters. Dinner with Alan as I pass through Cincinnati.

Are you communicating with me? Are you speaking to me through every sense I have, even some I am not even aware of? I kept thinking as I was on this adventure. I kept feeling God everywhere but it wasn't in the ways that God is suppose to be there.

It was as if driving through the mountains was the best worship service I had ever been to.
It was as if a beer in a local truck stop with strangers was the best small group I'd ever attended.
It was as if dinner with Alan, an old friend, was the best sermon I'd heard.
It was as if standing there, in the trees, quietly, was the best prayer I've ever prayed.

How big is God?
How does he reach out towards us?
Now I know the question is how could I have thought time away could be possible?

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

twenty one pilots - Trees