'I wish I had known all this before,' said Pippin. 'I had no notion of what I was doing.'
'Oh yes, you had,' said Gandalf. 'You knew you were behaving wrongly and foolishly; and you told yourself so, though you did not listen. I did not tell you all this before, because it is only by musing on all that has happened that I have at last understood, even as we ride together. But if I had spoken sooner, it would not have lessened your desire, or made it easier to resist. On the contrary! No, the burned hand teaches best. After that advice about fire goes to the heart.'
-The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Chapter 11 The Palantír by J. R. R. Tolkien
No, the burned hand teaches best. After that advice about fire goes to the heart.
-Gandalf
As I sit in my car staring out the windshield at mile after mile of eye melting mountains with doughnuts of clouds around the summit and blue sky stretched over top like a fitted sheet I hear Gandalf's words over the roar of Stripe's new engine noise through the car's speakers.
the burned hand teaches best I think. I'm reminded of what I had said during my session with Toni and Bea. She burned her hand on me. Even if there may be something there that wasn't there before the memory of the burn still remains. Even if I may not be who she thinks I am. Even if everyday I continue to push through fear and experience the freedom and the life I have always wanted. After a burn like that, advice about fire goes to the heart.
This morning she wanted to eat breakfast with me and talk. It was awesome. She had just woken up, she was still in her pajamas and she looked amazing.
It's as if I had driven all over the country. I had seen everything from the great plains to the mountains of the west to the pacific ocean. It was all so amazing and it made my heart swell. But my favorite place in this planet is next to her. Sitting in a Bob Evans booth across from her and the mountains feel like anthills the ocean feels like a glass of water.
She thinks we are too different. She just doesn't "feel it." She isn't over Jordan.
She doesn't seem to see what is right in front of her across the booth. She doesn't seem to understand.
Being different isn't a bad thing.
Changing isn't a bad thing.
Seeing something there that wasn't there before isn't a bad thing.
Learning to trust again isn't a bad thing, not easy, but not a bad thing.
Sacrifice increases.
It doesn't seem like it should but it does.
Jesus says:
If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.
-Matthew 10
Only through sacrifice, only through giving up can we gain. It doesn't make sense. But it is how love works. Sacrifice increases. They say it is better to give than receive. That seems contradictory but in so many ways it is an increase.
I didn't mind much giving it up, cause I got even more of you
Jenny & Tyler - One Eyed Cat
...the burned hand teaches best. An hour and a half goes by in a blink as we sit there talking about my trip, about her family, about Joshua House, she leans her head on the side of the wall as I make her laugh while we talk about hippies and smoking pot. She leans forward as I tell her about the old lady I met in her wheel chair in San Francisco. She sits back as she sips her hot chocolate her hair and eyes matching the mug's contents. I want to jump across the table and kiss her lips in her soft green pjs with her white hat situated just right off to the side. But I can't. She is confused. She needs to properly cope with this Jordan stuff. She needs to properly choose me. Clear headed, unbiased, completely free. Without such a choice I don't want any of this. For to kiss her would be like pressing my lips against a stone. If her heart and will are not in it, If I am second place to another, if I am not chosen, what good is a kiss? it triggers nerves and skin cells but what good are her lips without her heart behind them?
Clanging cymbals
worthless
so I wait.
I drive over to Toni's and we sit and talk. She looks through the photo's of my trip and we talk about my breakfast with Bea. I set Bea's phone on her desk and explain she left it in my car.
Toni tells me that I have a need that I am trying to fill using Bea. Every human has 7 needs that act like wells in our souls. If the wells are dry we are like starving animals rabid for a drink. If anything but God fills those wells we will be tossed to and fro completely based on whatever inconsistent thing we are filling our well with that isn't God. If I want to be healthy I need to learn to fill all my wells from the living water. From God and only God. Until then I couldn't date Bea even if she wanted to. I've got a ways to go.
Even as I sit here tonight thinking about that breakfast. I can see myself attempting to fill the well with her. I don't want that. I can't want that. It'll never work. People always fail, it's because they are people. God never fails. So I begin the process of learning how to fill my wells with God.
I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me
I need You to heal me God. I need my wells to be filled by You. Help me trust you Jesus.
'Oh yes, you had,' said Gandalf. 'You knew you were behaving wrongly and foolishly; and you told yourself so, though you did not listen. I did not tell you all this before, because it is only by musing on all that has happened that I have at last understood, even as we ride together. But if I had spoken sooner, it would not have lessened your desire, or made it easier to resist. On the contrary! No, the burned hand teaches best. After that advice about fire goes to the heart.'
-The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Chapter 11 The Palantír by J. R. R. Tolkien
No, the burned hand teaches best. After that advice about fire goes to the heart.
-Gandalf
As I sit in my car staring out the windshield at mile after mile of eye melting mountains with doughnuts of clouds around the summit and blue sky stretched over top like a fitted sheet I hear Gandalf's words over the roar of Stripe's new engine noise through the car's speakers.
the burned hand teaches best I think. I'm reminded of what I had said during my session with Toni and Bea. She burned her hand on me. Even if there may be something there that wasn't there before the memory of the burn still remains. Even if I may not be who she thinks I am. Even if everyday I continue to push through fear and experience the freedom and the life I have always wanted. After a burn like that, advice about fire goes to the heart.
This morning she wanted to eat breakfast with me and talk. It was awesome. She had just woken up, she was still in her pajamas and she looked amazing.
It's as if I had driven all over the country. I had seen everything from the great plains to the mountains of the west to the pacific ocean. It was all so amazing and it made my heart swell. But my favorite place in this planet is next to her. Sitting in a Bob Evans booth across from her and the mountains feel like anthills the ocean feels like a glass of water.
She thinks we are too different. She just doesn't "feel it." She isn't over Jordan.
She doesn't seem to see what is right in front of her across the booth. She doesn't seem to understand.
Being different isn't a bad thing.
Changing isn't a bad thing.
Seeing something there that wasn't there before isn't a bad thing.
Learning to trust again isn't a bad thing, not easy, but not a bad thing.
Sacrifice increases.
It doesn't seem like it should but it does.
Jesus says:
If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.
-Matthew 10
Only through sacrifice, only through giving up can we gain. It doesn't make sense. But it is how love works. Sacrifice increases. They say it is better to give than receive. That seems contradictory but in so many ways it is an increase.
I didn't mind much giving it up, cause I got even more of you
Jenny & Tyler - One Eyed Cat
...the burned hand teaches best. An hour and a half goes by in a blink as we sit there talking about my trip, about her family, about Joshua House, she leans her head on the side of the wall as I make her laugh while we talk about hippies and smoking pot. She leans forward as I tell her about the old lady I met in her wheel chair in San Francisco. She sits back as she sips her hot chocolate her hair and eyes matching the mug's contents. I want to jump across the table and kiss her lips in her soft green pjs with her white hat situated just right off to the side. But I can't. She is confused. She needs to properly cope with this Jordan stuff. She needs to properly choose me. Clear headed, unbiased, completely free. Without such a choice I don't want any of this. For to kiss her would be like pressing my lips against a stone. If her heart and will are not in it, If I am second place to another, if I am not chosen, what good is a kiss? it triggers nerves and skin cells but what good are her lips without her heart behind them?
Clanging cymbals
worthless
so I wait.
I drive over to Toni's and we sit and talk. She looks through the photo's of my trip and we talk about my breakfast with Bea. I set Bea's phone on her desk and explain she left it in my car.
Toni tells me that I have a need that I am trying to fill using Bea. Every human has 7 needs that act like wells in our souls. If the wells are dry we are like starving animals rabid for a drink. If anything but God fills those wells we will be tossed to and fro completely based on whatever inconsistent thing we are filling our well with that isn't God. If I want to be healthy I need to learn to fill all my wells from the living water. From God and only God. Until then I couldn't date Bea even if she wanted to. I've got a ways to go.
Even as I sit here tonight thinking about that breakfast. I can see myself attempting to fill the well with her. I don't want that. I can't want that. It'll never work. People always fail, it's because they are people. God never fails. So I begin the process of learning how to fill my wells with God.
I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me
I need You to heal me God. I need my wells to be filled by You. Help me trust you Jesus.