Jon carefully set the cat down on the floor. Then he looked me straight in the eyes and said one word. It was: "Forgive."
"Oh good heavens..." I had been sitting on the edge of my chair but now I sank back against the upholstery with a groan. "It's all very well for you to say that! You're a hermit, but I'm out there in the real world and I just can't afford -"
Christianity is, of course, a very costly religion," Said Jon, "but I'm sorry to hear you're finding it too expensive."
I groaned again, but in fact I welcomed this austere rebuke, found it bracing - as Jon had known I would. I needed a strong rod to flog me out of the pit of despair. A flimsy switch would have been of no use at all.
I took a deep breath. The boil had been lanced and the time had come to apply some antiseptic ointment. Calmer now that I had expelled my anger I began my attempt to regard my problems with detachment.
-Chapter 6 Section 2 Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch
Blood was rushing to my head, I could feel the pressure against my face as my heart raced. I could feel my blood beginning to boil. I had to remove myself from the situation. I thought about all the things Toni and I had talked about. I thought about all the things I'd been working on within myself. I was racing past it all like a bus with it's breaks cut. So I walked out of the kitchen. Brian still yelling. But I had to. I reached for my book and sat on the couch. My chest was pounding as it rose and feel. I told myself to take deep breaths just as I'd told Larenz in my class everyday.
Brian stormed upstairs after yelling out the last words. I didn't reply, I couldn't, I wasn't in a mental place where I could make a good decision. I sat there trying to read but the whole time stewing on the worthless argument. Brian and I hadn't had one like this in some time. We seems to fight like brothers at times. He knows how to push my buttons.
I sat there thinking, how can he have love and peace tattooed on his arm and still yell and call me those things? How can he be in seminary. He calls himself a pacifist, psh! I knew this wasn't loving on my half either, I took another long large deep breath. I was beginning to calm.
I started to think about our relationship, I've known Brian for almost, if not, 20 years now. In that time I recalled every fight we'd ever had and when I consider how stubborn and angry not only I was but Brian also, it added up to a lot of memories. The one thing I couldn't get over was how I was always the one to extend the olive branch. I was always the one to say sorry first. Brian had never done it before and he certainly wasn't going to do it this time. I started to get angry at the thought of me having to do the hard part. Yes I had gotten defensive but I didn't attach Brian or insult him like he had me. I hadn't yelled, I walked away before I could allow myself. Not this time, I'm not reconciling first, if he wants to, he can I declare to myself.
As I continued to try not to stew but only continued further Brian walked down the steps. He turned towards me and say, "I'm sorry for getting upset with you, I shouldn't have done that."
...I didn't know what to do, I had already made up my mind that he wasn't going to do that, I had already told myself he isn't fit to wear love on his sleeve and here he is no more than 5 minutes later doing what he has never done before in our 20 years of friendship.
"It really hurt when you insulted me dude, I'm sorry too."
He walked away, neither of us making eye contact for more than a split second.
And then I was alone again...
Christianity is, of course, a very costly religion
Now what? I thought as I was still in the middle of judging and raging silently towards Brian. Look at me I thought. Here I was ready to start a cold stubborn war and before I could even finish my thoughts he's already done what I never thought he would, He's plucked the olive branch and extended it before I even had time to calm down. I felt ashamed, I felt embarrassed, no one knew what I was thinking and feeling but I still felt poorly.
Then I started to feel proud of Brian. He had done what I never thought he would do. He's been growing and changing. I thought about myself and how well I handled the fight. Before I would have spent a half an hour yelling back and forth with the guy but the whole thing from start to finish probably lasted 7 minutes. We are growing. I sat thinking about this new revelation.
Christianity is a costly lifestyle. I started thinking about how the world works, how I use to work. Strength in our society isn't about apologizing first, it isn't about walking away in the midst of a fight, It isn't about losing or quitting. But isn't it easier to stay and yell back? Isn't it easier to not say sorry?
I think about all the "manly" role models movies give me. People like James Bond.
It doesn't take strength for a man to fight another
It doesn't take strength for a man to drink until drunk
It doesn't take strength for a man to have sex with loads of different women.
That stuff is easy to do. If you want a challenge, If you want a true test of strength,
Try to apologize first every time, try to avoid all fights.
Try to remain sober, or know when to stop drinking.
Try to devote yourself wholly to one woman, or restrain from all while waiting.
This stuff isn't seen as masculine. But in all reality it is the must harder road. It takes more character, more drive, more leadership, to live the Christian life than to chase after whatever you desire in the moment, letting yourself be controlled by your feelings and senses. That isn't freedom. That's weakness and slavery.
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do and I wonder if the men I see on TV would even be capable of such a task.
James Bond
Rambo
Achilles
What is strength? True strength? What is freedom?
Brian is more of a man than James Bond could hope to be.
I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me
House Of Cards - Radiohead
"Oh good heavens..." I had been sitting on the edge of my chair but now I sank back against the upholstery with a groan. "It's all very well for you to say that! You're a hermit, but I'm out there in the real world and I just can't afford -"
Christianity is, of course, a very costly religion," Said Jon, "but I'm sorry to hear you're finding it too expensive."
I groaned again, but in fact I welcomed this austere rebuke, found it bracing - as Jon had known I would. I needed a strong rod to flog me out of the pit of despair. A flimsy switch would have been of no use at all.
I took a deep breath. The boil had been lanced and the time had come to apply some antiseptic ointment. Calmer now that I had expelled my anger I began my attempt to regard my problems with detachment.
-Chapter 6 Section 2 Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch
Blood was rushing to my head, I could feel the pressure against my face as my heart raced. I could feel my blood beginning to boil. I had to remove myself from the situation. I thought about all the things Toni and I had talked about. I thought about all the things I'd been working on within myself. I was racing past it all like a bus with it's breaks cut. So I walked out of the kitchen. Brian still yelling. But I had to. I reached for my book and sat on the couch. My chest was pounding as it rose and feel. I told myself to take deep breaths just as I'd told Larenz in my class everyday.
Brian stormed upstairs after yelling out the last words. I didn't reply, I couldn't, I wasn't in a mental place where I could make a good decision. I sat there trying to read but the whole time stewing on the worthless argument. Brian and I hadn't had one like this in some time. We seems to fight like brothers at times. He knows how to push my buttons.
I sat there thinking, how can he have love and peace tattooed on his arm and still yell and call me those things? How can he be in seminary. He calls himself a pacifist, psh! I knew this wasn't loving on my half either, I took another long large deep breath. I was beginning to calm.
I started to think about our relationship, I've known Brian for almost, if not, 20 years now. In that time I recalled every fight we'd ever had and when I consider how stubborn and angry not only I was but Brian also, it added up to a lot of memories. The one thing I couldn't get over was how I was always the one to extend the olive branch. I was always the one to say sorry first. Brian had never done it before and he certainly wasn't going to do it this time. I started to get angry at the thought of me having to do the hard part. Yes I had gotten defensive but I didn't attach Brian or insult him like he had me. I hadn't yelled, I walked away before I could allow myself. Not this time, I'm not reconciling first, if he wants to, he can I declare to myself.
As I continued to try not to stew but only continued further Brian walked down the steps. He turned towards me and say, "I'm sorry for getting upset with you, I shouldn't have done that."
...I didn't know what to do, I had already made up my mind that he wasn't going to do that, I had already told myself he isn't fit to wear love on his sleeve and here he is no more than 5 minutes later doing what he has never done before in our 20 years of friendship.
"It really hurt when you insulted me dude, I'm sorry too."
He walked away, neither of us making eye contact for more than a split second.
And then I was alone again...
Christianity is, of course, a very costly religion
Now what? I thought as I was still in the middle of judging and raging silently towards Brian. Look at me I thought. Here I was ready to start a cold stubborn war and before I could even finish my thoughts he's already done what I never thought he would, He's plucked the olive branch and extended it before I even had time to calm down. I felt ashamed, I felt embarrassed, no one knew what I was thinking and feeling but I still felt poorly.
Then I started to feel proud of Brian. He had done what I never thought he would do. He's been growing and changing. I thought about myself and how well I handled the fight. Before I would have spent a half an hour yelling back and forth with the guy but the whole thing from start to finish probably lasted 7 minutes. We are growing. I sat thinking about this new revelation.
Christianity is a costly lifestyle. I started thinking about how the world works, how I use to work. Strength in our society isn't about apologizing first, it isn't about walking away in the midst of a fight, It isn't about losing or quitting. But isn't it easier to stay and yell back? Isn't it easier to not say sorry?
I think about all the "manly" role models movies give me. People like James Bond.
It doesn't take strength for a man to fight another
It doesn't take strength for a man to drink until drunk
It doesn't take strength for a man to have sex with loads of different women.
That stuff is easy to do. If you want a challenge, If you want a true test of strength,
Try to apologize first every time, try to avoid all fights.
Try to remain sober, or know when to stop drinking.
Try to devote yourself wholly to one woman, or restrain from all while waiting.
This stuff isn't seen as masculine. But in all reality it is the must harder road. It takes more character, more drive, more leadership, to live the Christian life than to chase after whatever you desire in the moment, letting yourself be controlled by your feelings and senses. That isn't freedom. That's weakness and slavery.
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do and I wonder if the men I see on TV would even be capable of such a task.
James Bond
Rambo
Achilles
What is strength? True strength? What is freedom?
Brian is more of a man than James Bond could hope to be.
I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me
House Of Cards - Radiohead