Sarah came over Monday night to talk about what happened Saturday night. Once she got here she made it very clear that she didn't want a relationship but that she just really enjoyed being close to someone.
This might sound kinda fucked up but, did You do this God?
I decide to make unhealthy choices in order to get over Bea and out of nowhere an attractive woman show up to the pantry who loves to garden.
But she isn't interested in a relationship she just wanted to make out and cuddle...
This seems to strange of a coincidence.
But You can't be ok with this sort of relationship...
When I talked to Toni about my idea she told me to make sure there is mutuality in the relationship.
There must be respect and an understanding of what the relationship is...
And then Sarah comes along...
an attractive woman who loves to garden and can't get enough of my body...
What's going on here?
Did You do this God?
Is this actually healthy in the most unhealthy sort of way?
Jordan doesn't feel anything for Bea
Bea feels deeply for Jordan But not enough for me
I feel deeply for Bea But not enough for Sarah
Sarah's been hurt by so many men that relationships make her sick
Whitney is getting a divorce
And we're all broken and none of it makes sense. We carry our wounds and pains from the past like a sack over our shoulders.
I guess some things don't work out like they should.
I haven't even been hanging out with Sarah for a week but so far I'm still hung up on Bea. I don't know why, she just really got me and I really loved her heart.
But I wonder if the way I think about her when I'm with Sarah is the way she would think about Jordan when with me.
She always said she was never over the guy and maybe that's true today.
Maybe she never felt half what I felt for her.
Maybe she thought she could just fake it till we make it.
This stuff is so complicated.
Why does it feel like I'm the only one who has such a hard time letting go of relationships?
I have to stop having dreams about her and I have to stop waiting for her. I have to stop thinking about her. I have to stop missing her. I have to let go. I have to fall to the ground and die first in order to sprout new life.
That freaking woman could stir my heart in a way no one has ever been able too. I could never get enough of being with her. I never wanted to stop hanging out with her.
I need to crush this hope.
I need to.
Sometimes to stay alive you got to kill your mind.
Thank You God for Sarah. I don't know if You're pleased with the situation but it's certainly two broken people trying to connect. I don't know what the long term plan is for this and I'm sure one side or the other will end up hurt but for now in the present I must do what I must do now.
I have to get her kiss off my lips.
I have to get her body off my hands.
I have to get her scent off my nose.
I have to get her smile out of my brain.
And Sarah seems more than willing for a physical thing with no strings.
I know this isn't the healthiest way God but it's something. I'm moving in some direction and I think I need that. I think that's good for me right now. Standing still waiting like a fool for 6 months for texts and accidental run ins at church or the pantry is no way for me to live.
This idea of the two of us together has to die in me. She doesn't want it. She doesn't trust me. I hurt her and she hasn't forgiven me. She's moving away from me while I'm standing still. It isn't good for me. So I'm moving. Maybe not forward, maybe in some direction but I am moving and that's important to me right now.
Do you miss me?
Joe Purdy - Miss me
This might sound kinda fucked up but, did You do this God?
I decide to make unhealthy choices in order to get over Bea and out of nowhere an attractive woman show up to the pantry who loves to garden.
But she isn't interested in a relationship she just wanted to make out and cuddle...
This seems to strange of a coincidence.
But You can't be ok with this sort of relationship...
When I talked to Toni about my idea she told me to make sure there is mutuality in the relationship.
There must be respect and an understanding of what the relationship is...
And then Sarah comes along...
an attractive woman who loves to garden and can't get enough of my body...
What's going on here?
Did You do this God?
Is this actually healthy in the most unhealthy sort of way?
Jordan doesn't feel anything for Bea
Bea feels deeply for Jordan But not enough for me
I feel deeply for Bea But not enough for Sarah
Sarah's been hurt by so many men that relationships make her sick
Whitney is getting a divorce
And we're all broken and none of it makes sense. We carry our wounds and pains from the past like a sack over our shoulders.
I guess some things don't work out like they should.
I haven't even been hanging out with Sarah for a week but so far I'm still hung up on Bea. I don't know why, she just really got me and I really loved her heart.
But I wonder if the way I think about her when I'm with Sarah is the way she would think about Jordan when with me.
She always said she was never over the guy and maybe that's true today.
Maybe she never felt half what I felt for her.
Maybe she thought she could just fake it till we make it.
This stuff is so complicated.
Why does it feel like I'm the only one who has such a hard time letting go of relationships?
I have to stop having dreams about her and I have to stop waiting for her. I have to stop thinking about her. I have to stop missing her. I have to let go. I have to fall to the ground and die first in order to sprout new life.
That freaking woman could stir my heart in a way no one has ever been able too. I could never get enough of being with her. I never wanted to stop hanging out with her.
I need to crush this hope.
I need to.
Sometimes to stay alive you got to kill your mind.
Thank You God for Sarah. I don't know if You're pleased with the situation but it's certainly two broken people trying to connect. I don't know what the long term plan is for this and I'm sure one side or the other will end up hurt but for now in the present I must do what I must do now.
I have to get her kiss off my lips.
I have to get her body off my hands.
I have to get her scent off my nose.
I have to get her smile out of my brain.
And Sarah seems more than willing for a physical thing with no strings.
I know this isn't the healthiest way God but it's something. I'm moving in some direction and I think I need that. I think that's good for me right now. Standing still waiting like a fool for 6 months for texts and accidental run ins at church or the pantry is no way for me to live.
This idea of the two of us together has to die in me. She doesn't want it. She doesn't trust me. I hurt her and she hasn't forgiven me. She's moving away from me while I'm standing still. It isn't good for me. So I'm moving. Maybe not forward, maybe in some direction but I am moving and that's important to me right now.
Do you miss me?
Joe Purdy - Miss me