Cause sometimes to stay alive you got to kill your mind
-Migraine, twenty one pilots
Last Saturday marked six months since Bea and I broke up. I realized as I woke up that morning after having yet another dream about her that I needed to do something different. I'm not getting over her. It's been 6 fucking months and I still have dreams about her? I still melt when she texts me? I still cling to hope.
But what if hope isn't always a good thing? What if sometimes it can be toxic. It can be consuming.
Love turned to longing
Longing turned to hope
Hope turned to delusion
Delusion turned to idolatry
Sometimes to stay alive you got to kill your mind.
Night falls, with gravity.
The earth turns, from sanity
Taking my only friend I know,
He leaves a lot, his name is "Hope".
I'm never what I like
I'm double-sided.
And I just can't hide
I kinda like it
When I make you cry
Cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up, inside.
The horrors of the night melt away
Under the warm glow of survival of the day
Then we move on,
My shadow grows taller along with my fears
And my friends shrink smaller as night grows near
When the sun is climbing window sills
And the silver lining rides the hills
I will be saved for one whole day
Until the sun make the hills it's grave
I'm semi-automatic,
My prayer's schizophrenic
But I'll live on, yeah I'll live on, yeah I'll live on
By the time the night wears off,
The dust is down and shadows burn
I will rise and stand my ground,
Waiting for the night's return.
I'm never what I like
I'm double-sided.
And I just can't hide
I kinda like it
When I make you cry
Cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up, inside my mind.
Like Lucifer's love turned idolatry when he tried to take on the thrown for the crown, everything evil seems to have the purest roots.
I'm positive when Judas started to follow Jesus he had high hopes and deep belief in the mission.
But in this world if anything sits too long in an unhealthy state it will rot. It will decay.
And here I am 6 months later, rotting, decaying.
Damn it I miss her. Damn it I want to be with her. But as time rolls on I see the reality of the situation. She isn't asking me to wait for her and she has stuff she needs to work on. Am I going to sit by the door like a dumb animal hopelessly waiting for her to come back? She wants to go to Vegas. She wants to be alone and grow. How many more rounds of 6 months can I honestly handle?
I think sometimes the hopefully thing to do is to crush whatever hope is left inside.
I have to crush my own hope. I have to kill my mind in order to stay alive.
So I unfriended her on facebook.
So I blocked her number on my phone.
Yes my mind begs the questions of what if she wants me back? What if she's ready? What if? What if? What if? I can't fucking live in the what ifs anymore. I've spent 25 years living in the what if fears and where has it gotten me? It's gotten me a safe life of worry, sleep, and anger.
I'm done.
I don't want to be done. I want to wait for her because I miss her.
But I need to be done.
I need to smother the hope that burns within me.
She's gone. She may come back but I'm not living in the what ifs anymore. I can't fucking do it. I just can't. She's gone and that's how it is today so that is how I have to live.
I gotta get the sense of her off me.
I need to hold other women until I forget how she felt in my arms.
I need to kiss other women until I forget how she kissed.
I need to make other women laugh until hers doesn't haunt me anymore.
I need to kill my mind.
The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out.
-Jeremiah 17
My heart deceives me. I need to kill it. In order to prevent a rebellion against the king I need to kill the hope of a delusion while it is still small.
God spoke to Cain: “Why this tantrum? Why the sulking? If you do well, won’t you be accepted? And if you don’t do well, sin is lying in wait for you, ready to pounce; it’s out to get you, you’ve got to master it.”
-Genesis 4
Sin is always lying in wait for me. It was waiting for Lucifer to grab for the crown. It was waiting for Judas to grab for the silver. It was waiting for Cain. But God begs us to master it.
"You've got to master it," God pleads with us, as He watches our deceitful hearts wrestle the losing fight against pride.
Anger says: You owe me.
Once that delusional debt is planted in our hearts all it needs is time to grow.
But I will uproot this anger I will stab it and kill it. I will not allow my heart to hope for an unreality. Yes God I am very hurt that You took Bea from me. I am very confused. I don't understand why it didn't work out or why she doesn't want to try anymore. But I am just the clay and to imagine myself anything more would be idolatry.
So here I am broken and disappointed. I am trying to master sin but it's a losing battle for even my own heart betrays me during the battle. As I push forward on the battle ground I feel the cold steel sting of a dagger in my back from my own heart. My most trusted friend.
But I, God, search the heart
and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are,
not as they pretend to be.
-Jeremiah 17
I need God as my most trusted friend not my heart. For only God can be trusted to guard my back.
But you don’t have to be in a hurry.
You’re not running from anybody!
God is leading you out of here,
and the God of Israel is also your rear guard.
-Isaiah 52
God teach me how to trust You.
Teach me how to let go.
Lead me out of here.
twenty one pilots: Semi-Automatic
-Migraine, twenty one pilots
Last Saturday marked six months since Bea and I broke up. I realized as I woke up that morning after having yet another dream about her that I needed to do something different. I'm not getting over her. It's been 6 fucking months and I still have dreams about her? I still melt when she texts me? I still cling to hope.
But what if hope isn't always a good thing? What if sometimes it can be toxic. It can be consuming.
Love turned to longing
Longing turned to hope
Hope turned to delusion
Delusion turned to idolatry
Sometimes to stay alive you got to kill your mind.
Night falls, with gravity.
The earth turns, from sanity
Taking my only friend I know,
He leaves a lot, his name is "Hope".
I'm never what I like
I'm double-sided.
And I just can't hide
I kinda like it
When I make you cry
Cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up, inside.
The horrors of the night melt away
Under the warm glow of survival of the day
Then we move on,
My shadow grows taller along with my fears
And my friends shrink smaller as night grows near
When the sun is climbing window sills
And the silver lining rides the hills
I will be saved for one whole day
Until the sun make the hills it's grave
I'm semi-automatic,
My prayer's schizophrenic
But I'll live on, yeah I'll live on, yeah I'll live on
By the time the night wears off,
The dust is down and shadows burn
I will rise and stand my ground,
Waiting for the night's return.
I'm never what I like
I'm double-sided.
And I just can't hide
I kinda like it
When I make you cry
Cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up, inside my mind.
Like Lucifer's love turned idolatry when he tried to take on the thrown for the crown, everything evil seems to have the purest roots.
I'm positive when Judas started to follow Jesus he had high hopes and deep belief in the mission.
But in this world if anything sits too long in an unhealthy state it will rot. It will decay.
And here I am 6 months later, rotting, decaying.
Damn it I miss her. Damn it I want to be with her. But as time rolls on I see the reality of the situation. She isn't asking me to wait for her and she has stuff she needs to work on. Am I going to sit by the door like a dumb animal hopelessly waiting for her to come back? She wants to go to Vegas. She wants to be alone and grow. How many more rounds of 6 months can I honestly handle?
I think sometimes the hopefully thing to do is to crush whatever hope is left inside.
I have to crush my own hope. I have to kill my mind in order to stay alive.
So I unfriended her on facebook.
So I blocked her number on my phone.
Yes my mind begs the questions of what if she wants me back? What if she's ready? What if? What if? What if? I can't fucking live in the what ifs anymore. I've spent 25 years living in the what if fears and where has it gotten me? It's gotten me a safe life of worry, sleep, and anger.
I'm done.
I don't want to be done. I want to wait for her because I miss her.
But I need to be done.
I need to smother the hope that burns within me.
She's gone. She may come back but I'm not living in the what ifs anymore. I can't fucking do it. I just can't. She's gone and that's how it is today so that is how I have to live.
I gotta get the sense of her off me.
I need to hold other women until I forget how she felt in my arms.
I need to kiss other women until I forget how she kissed.
I need to make other women laugh until hers doesn't haunt me anymore.
I need to kill my mind.
The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out.
-Jeremiah 17
My heart deceives me. I need to kill it. In order to prevent a rebellion against the king I need to kill the hope of a delusion while it is still small.
God spoke to Cain: “Why this tantrum? Why the sulking? If you do well, won’t you be accepted? And if you don’t do well, sin is lying in wait for you, ready to pounce; it’s out to get you, you’ve got to master it.”
-Genesis 4
Sin is always lying in wait for me. It was waiting for Lucifer to grab for the crown. It was waiting for Judas to grab for the silver. It was waiting for Cain. But God begs us to master it.
"You've got to master it," God pleads with us, as He watches our deceitful hearts wrestle the losing fight against pride.
Anger says: You owe me.
Once that delusional debt is planted in our hearts all it needs is time to grow.
But I will uproot this anger I will stab it and kill it. I will not allow my heart to hope for an unreality. Yes God I am very hurt that You took Bea from me. I am very confused. I don't understand why it didn't work out or why she doesn't want to try anymore. But I am just the clay and to imagine myself anything more would be idolatry.
So here I am broken and disappointed. I am trying to master sin but it's a losing battle for even my own heart betrays me during the battle. As I push forward on the battle ground I feel the cold steel sting of a dagger in my back from my own heart. My most trusted friend.
But I, God, search the heart
and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are,
not as they pretend to be.
-Jeremiah 17
I need God as my most trusted friend not my heart. For only God can be trusted to guard my back.
But you don’t have to be in a hurry.
You’re not running from anybody!
God is leading you out of here,
and the God of Israel is also your rear guard.
-Isaiah 52
God teach me how to trust You.
Teach me how to let go.
Lead me out of here.
twenty one pilots: Semi-Automatic