I can find no peace in this reality. If there is nothing after death I can't even rest in the idea that I am part of the scaffolding leading this Earth to a greater future. Even in the future the Earth will end. Everything has an end. The question remains, what happens after the end?
Today I learned that the other male teacher at the early childhood center was fired. I can't describe how pissed I am about this. I'm meeting with HR to talk about it. I guess that's why I'm writing on here. I'm emotional and I need a place to release.
If God is real where is the justice? We work in a church for God's sake! Where are you? What did you do with all of his prayers and the prayers of the other members of the center? You opened and read them like boring birthday cards and threw them away? He loved his job and the children loved him. They still accidentally call me his name. Where is the God of justice? Where are the representatives of Christ in the church showing redemption and love?
Cowards. Spineless selfish cowards. Protecting and minimizing risk. What a joke. What would Jesus say about this? If You are there, if You hear me...what do you have to say?
It's all part of the plan?
Of course everything is part of 'the plan' but what is the ultimate goal of this eternal plan? I'm so angry and confused. Why him and not me? What is the difference? If anything he's a more qualified teacher. He went to school for it. He's the lead. I'm only an assistant.
I'm guessing you have another door for him huh? Something bigger and better? Always bigger and better, always brighter, more hope. And as another year of my life comes to a close I'm beginning to wonder when the scale tips the other way. One day my life will be more done than undone. Where will be the Big bright plan for tomorrow then? What will I have to look forward to? My job, retired, my family, raised, my wife, dead. What will be left to do in life? Help make the world a better place? We are all just waiting for that time bomb of a sun to turn on us and roast this blue dot into a desert.
I write these letters to myself in the future. I do it every year on my birthday. This year something strange happened. I read the letter I wrote myself when I had just turned 27. It made me sad. I've changed so much. I read the way I use to think, the way I use to write. It was beautiful. Everything I said had so much depth and meaning. Everything seemed to have passion and purpose behind it. I look back and compare the letter I wrote a year ago vs the letter I wrote last week. They are written by two different people.
I want to hope, I want to have faith. But I can't find it.
I see this situation with my friend who was fired wrongfully and it makes me despair. It makes me angry. What would I have thought about it last year? How would I feel? Who am I becoming and who was I?
God where are You?
Father.
Creator.
Artist.
Romantic.
Where are You? Where is the fire down in my soul?
Do we even have souls?
I want us to have souls.
Future of Forestry - The Earth Stood Still