I'm finally getting over strep throat. This has been an awful week.
While I was laid up I watched the finale of Sopranos.
I can't stop thinking about it.
I love it, I think it's the perfect ending...
and I hate it, It plays upon my deepest fears I'm struggling with now.
I wonder if that's what it's like to die. For Tony to be shot like that sitting with his family waiting for his daughter. Black, silent.
nothing.
It makes me so uncomfortable. It makes me feel really alone. I have a difficult time getting the words out of my head and into words. I don't know.
How does his family react?
How do the strangers react?
What does his funeral look like?
Does Meadow become a lawyer?
Does A.J. stick with his new job?
Is Carmela taken care of?
We don't get to know these things, we will never get to know these things because Tony is dead.
Once death happens that's it. That's the end.
It's either the answer to every question or the end of them.
Either we are the present times current form of matter, or more.
turning 28 has been different than other birthdays. I think I'm really feeling this one. My mind has shifted. When I would see guys in public or where ever, TV, whatever my whole life I've assumed I was younger than them. If I'm around people in a bar or a party I'm on the younger side. I don't think like that anymore. Now I assume I'm on the older side of things. I assume at parties or bars I'm one of the older people here. I don't get carded when I go out anymore. I'm a year and 11 months away from no longer saying I'm a 20 something. I've been a 20 something for so long and now that is coming to an end. What's next?
What will my face look like? What will my body look like? Laying on the couch for a week while my throat healed made me think a lot about this stuff. I was sapped of energy I didn't feel like myself. Is that how older people feel? I watch the energy of the preschoolers and I wonder if that is how people 20 years older than me view me.
Yesterday I called my Grandpa. my mom's dad to thank him for the Christmas and birthday cards. I told him I'd just turned 28. He said he doesn't even remember 28 with a laugh. I think he will be 82 in July. 82, to live so long you can't remember 28 and here I am at 28 and I feel like something is ending. What would my grandpa do if he were 28 again? What would he have to say to me about doing it differently? 82, I can't imagine that age at this point. I have a hard time swallowing 30.
Sometimes I wish my brain was more like other people's. How do they not think about this stuff? Why can't I just live?
Dustin Kensrue - It's Not Enough
While I was laid up I watched the finale of Sopranos.
I can't stop thinking about it.
I love it, I think it's the perfect ending...
and I hate it, It plays upon my deepest fears I'm struggling with now.
I wonder if that's what it's like to die. For Tony to be shot like that sitting with his family waiting for his daughter. Black, silent.
nothing.
It makes me so uncomfortable. It makes me feel really alone. I have a difficult time getting the words out of my head and into words. I don't know.
How does his family react?
How do the strangers react?
What does his funeral look like?
Does Meadow become a lawyer?
Does A.J. stick with his new job?
Is Carmela taken care of?
We don't get to know these things, we will never get to know these things because Tony is dead.
Once death happens that's it. That's the end.
It's either the answer to every question or the end of them.
Either we are the present times current form of matter, or more.
turning 28 has been different than other birthdays. I think I'm really feeling this one. My mind has shifted. When I would see guys in public or where ever, TV, whatever my whole life I've assumed I was younger than them. If I'm around people in a bar or a party I'm on the younger side. I don't think like that anymore. Now I assume I'm on the older side of things. I assume at parties or bars I'm one of the older people here. I don't get carded when I go out anymore. I'm a year and 11 months away from no longer saying I'm a 20 something. I've been a 20 something for so long and now that is coming to an end. What's next?
What will my face look like? What will my body look like? Laying on the couch for a week while my throat healed made me think a lot about this stuff. I was sapped of energy I didn't feel like myself. Is that how older people feel? I watch the energy of the preschoolers and I wonder if that is how people 20 years older than me view me.
Yesterday I called my Grandpa. my mom's dad to thank him for the Christmas and birthday cards. I told him I'd just turned 28. He said he doesn't even remember 28 with a laugh. I think he will be 82 in July. 82, to live so long you can't remember 28 and here I am at 28 and I feel like something is ending. What would my grandpa do if he were 28 again? What would he have to say to me about doing it differently? 82, I can't imagine that age at this point. I have a hard time swallowing 30.
Sometimes I wish my brain was more like other people's. How do they not think about this stuff? Why can't I just live?
Dustin Kensrue - It's Not Enough