I watched Lilo and Stitch with Claire the other night. During the movie I felt You speak to me God.
Lilo:
"Ohana" means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.
Bea said I was family and I left her behind.
What the fuck do I know about family?
I was raised by two people who slept in different rooms
Watched TV in different rooms
never showed emotions or expressed themselves.
What do I know about family?
Intimacy?
Vulnerability?
I was raised by TV shows and older kids on the bus.
Dad left for work before anyone was awake and was asleep on the couch before 7pm. My dad was my boss in high school. I felt like more of an employee than a son.
In high school my mother and I fought a lot so my mom typed up a letter left it in my room saying maybe we should just stay away from each other. I still have that typed letter. She didn't even write it with her own hand...she didn't even sit down and talk to me...
Ohana?
Family?
The fuck I know about family?
Family means don't express yourself
Family means keep it to yourself
Family means don't fail
Family means don't show vulnerability
Family means eat dinner with the TV on
Family means don't go to Thanksgiving anymore if you disagree with a family member.
This isn't the life I want.
I want to love with the intimacy and vulnerability of the heart of Jesus.
I want to hold nothing back for my wife and children.
How do I do that?
I wasn't taught how.
How do I stay when I want to run?
How do I let someone see who I am?
How do I receive love?
I'm tired of hiding.
I'm tired of running.
I want real love.
I've always been so cynical of Christian couples getting married so quickly so young. Now I see that those people had the luxury of understanding ohana.
They aren't fools for getting married. Rather they know what it takes, what they want, and they aren't afraid because they trust when the other person tells them they love them.
They don't leave people behind. It's what family means.
It's so hard for me to open up to someone, when I see a couple get married I assume they don't know the struggle of intimacy. But the reality is they understand it more than I do. It isn't that difficult for them. It's scary but they know it's worth the risk. Opening up and being vulnerable, failing, looking ugly, it isn't the worst thing in the world to these people they trust.
I wonder what that feels like.
Bea always said I love marriage. Maybe I love it too much.
I think I see now why I'm so intrigued by it. Because it feels impossible for me but yet I watch countless people do it everyday. I want it but I don't know how. Marriage fascinates me. I have a deep desire for it a curiosity of what that love from another person feels like. With that comes a deep fear of actually trying it.
"Ohana" means family.
Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.
Bea called me family. How could I not see what she was saying, what she was offering me.
Family means nobody shows weakness
That's what I heard when she called me family
And all I had to offer her was weakness
No time
No money
Stress of grad school
I fucking ran.
Well I know what family means now.
I may not experience it with my family, I may not have ever experienced it in my life. I keep everyone at that safe distance. Bea was the closest, and I let that go.
But family is what I want in my life.
I know what it means now and I will never leave family behind again.
Family means nobody gets left behind even if they are vulnerable, poor, addicted, afraid, a burden, ugly, politically different, dependent, ...broken.
Ohana
All Sons & Daughters - Brokenness Aside
Lilo:
"Ohana" means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.
Bea said I was family and I left her behind.
What the fuck do I know about family?
I was raised by two people who slept in different rooms
Watched TV in different rooms
never showed emotions or expressed themselves.
What do I know about family?
Intimacy?
Vulnerability?
I was raised by TV shows and older kids on the bus.
Dad left for work before anyone was awake and was asleep on the couch before 7pm. My dad was my boss in high school. I felt like more of an employee than a son.
In high school my mother and I fought a lot so my mom typed up a letter left it in my room saying maybe we should just stay away from each other. I still have that typed letter. She didn't even write it with her own hand...she didn't even sit down and talk to me...
Ohana?
Family?
The fuck I know about family?
Family means don't express yourself
Family means keep it to yourself
Family means don't fail
Family means don't show vulnerability
Family means eat dinner with the TV on
Family means don't go to Thanksgiving anymore if you disagree with a family member.
This isn't the life I want.
I want to love with the intimacy and vulnerability of the heart of Jesus.
I want to hold nothing back for my wife and children.
How do I do that?
I wasn't taught how.
How do I stay when I want to run?
How do I let someone see who I am?
How do I receive love?
I'm tired of hiding.
I'm tired of running.
I want real love.
I've always been so cynical of Christian couples getting married so quickly so young. Now I see that those people had the luxury of understanding ohana.
They aren't fools for getting married. Rather they know what it takes, what they want, and they aren't afraid because they trust when the other person tells them they love them.
They don't leave people behind. It's what family means.
It's so hard for me to open up to someone, when I see a couple get married I assume they don't know the struggle of intimacy. But the reality is they understand it more than I do. It isn't that difficult for them. It's scary but they know it's worth the risk. Opening up and being vulnerable, failing, looking ugly, it isn't the worst thing in the world to these people they trust.
I wonder what that feels like.
Bea always said I love marriage. Maybe I love it too much.
I think I see now why I'm so intrigued by it. Because it feels impossible for me but yet I watch countless people do it everyday. I want it but I don't know how. Marriage fascinates me. I have a deep desire for it a curiosity of what that love from another person feels like. With that comes a deep fear of actually trying it.
"Ohana" means family.
Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.
Bea called me family. How could I not see what she was saying, what she was offering me.
Family means nobody shows weakness
That's what I heard when she called me family
And all I had to offer her was weakness
No time
No money
Stress of grad school
I fucking ran.
Well I know what family means now.
I may not experience it with my family, I may not have ever experienced it in my life. I keep everyone at that safe distance. Bea was the closest, and I let that go.
But family is what I want in my life.
I know what it means now and I will never leave family behind again.
Family means nobody gets left behind even if they are vulnerable, poor, addicted, afraid, a burden, ugly, politically different, dependent, ...broken.
Ohana
All Sons & Daughters - Brokenness Aside