Gandalf: From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth. Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountain side. Darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time. The stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as a life age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt life in me again.
But it was not the end
I love that line. Death is not the end, only another path.
After I tried to push her away and she stayed
After she called me family
After I ran
I got on tinder and started to cope and self medicate with some shallow safe distance relationships.
Over 100 matches
a different date each weekend
each less interesting than the last
But none of them knew me.
I'm tired of that shallow stuff.
It's so safe and it gives that hallow temporary feeling of surface affection.
This season of lent has been killing me.
God, you've been revealing all of my flaws all my fears all my insecurities.
And I miss Bea so much.
And I see what I couldn't see then.
And I'm finally out of that terrible season from 2015.
But in this place of vulnerability all I want to do is get back out there and get some shallow worth out of those strangers who just think I'm hott.
I get hit on by women I work with
I get numbers of girls at bars
I go to my friend's small group and women ask about me when I leave
It just makes me so frustrated
The one woman who actually knows me, the one woman I want to give me attention, isn't.
I check out this new small group and they ask if anyone comes to mind when you hear the word compassion. And I can't stop thinking about Bea's heart. We talk about being compassionate and all I can think is I wonder what Bea would have to say about this, or rather I know what she would say but I'd love to hear her say it. I want to go to small group with her listen to her discuss and open her heart to others.
I meet knew women and they ask me about myself and I tell them about the garden, I tell them about the preschool, grad school, I tell them about the pantry, and it just feels so wrong. I don't want to share that stuff with other women. I want to do that stuff with Bea. The other women give me those responses "oh that's so cool" "oh you have such a big heart" but they don't fucking know me. It feels like I'm using the passions in my life to pick up women and it feels terribly wrong. I'm working on being vulnerable around more people but it feels wrong. I want to keep all the things I feel passionately about to myself. I only want Bea to know about them to talk about them with me to work beside me. Why doesn't she want to garden beside me?
All these dates, all these other girls, they are nice and attractive
But God they aren't her.
They don't have that smile
They don't have that laugh
Those brown eyes
That brown hair it looks great whether it's long, short, bangs, up, down, ugh she's fucking beautiful, so sexy!
They don't have that heart of hers.
That heart of hers, the one who makes friends at the pantry
The one who picks up random dogs on a road trip
The one that plays the ukulele and makes me cry
The one that would press against my chest when she was happy
The one that would paint the most beautiful art
The one that would connect with Linden McKinley kids
The one that would leave flowers for elderly widows
The one that would leave me hidden notes
The one that would instantly make friends with city year people
That beautiful fucking heart God.
God I know no one will love her as much as I can.
And I think she knows this too, I think she feels the same.
And I don't want to give my love to someone else.
I'm not doing it anymore.
Had I not been medicating and running like that I would have listened to the woman I love in the first place.
Claire could see it. I feel so dumb it seems like everyone around me can see my flaws but me.
I'll sit in this season with You God.
I want to experience that next level of Love.
I want to get to that point that I always do and this time I want to stand firm in it, no more running, no more walls.
I want to be messy and known
not hott and false
I pray that I could experience that next stage with Bea. It's who I've always wanted to share it with, it's who I've been the most afraid to show. What if she rejected me? How could I handle that? But she called me family. I'd move to the mountains for that woman. I'd ride a roller coaster for her, a bike. She didn't care if I showed weakness screaming at cedar point like an idiot. She didn't care if I crashed the bike. She didn't care if I just sat and studied for hours. She didn't care if I couldn't afford fancy dates. It was always me who cared about how I looked. It was always this vulnerability and failure shit inside of me. She saw me...and she called me family.
family God.
She really did love me. And I have hope she does still.
Coldplay - Warning Sign
But it was not the end
I love that line. Death is not the end, only another path.
After I tried to push her away and she stayed
After she called me family
After I ran
I got on tinder and started to cope and self medicate with some shallow safe distance relationships.
Over 100 matches
a different date each weekend
each less interesting than the last
But none of them knew me.
I'm tired of that shallow stuff.
It's so safe and it gives that hallow temporary feeling of surface affection.
This season of lent has been killing me.
God, you've been revealing all of my flaws all my fears all my insecurities.
And I miss Bea so much.
And I see what I couldn't see then.
And I'm finally out of that terrible season from 2015.
But in this place of vulnerability all I want to do is get back out there and get some shallow worth out of those strangers who just think I'm hott.
I get hit on by women I work with
I get numbers of girls at bars
I go to my friend's small group and women ask about me when I leave
It just makes me so frustrated
The one woman who actually knows me, the one woman I want to give me attention, isn't.
I check out this new small group and they ask if anyone comes to mind when you hear the word compassion. And I can't stop thinking about Bea's heart. We talk about being compassionate and all I can think is I wonder what Bea would have to say about this, or rather I know what she would say but I'd love to hear her say it. I want to go to small group with her listen to her discuss and open her heart to others.
I meet knew women and they ask me about myself and I tell them about the garden, I tell them about the preschool, grad school, I tell them about the pantry, and it just feels so wrong. I don't want to share that stuff with other women. I want to do that stuff with Bea. The other women give me those responses "oh that's so cool" "oh you have such a big heart" but they don't fucking know me. It feels like I'm using the passions in my life to pick up women and it feels terribly wrong. I'm working on being vulnerable around more people but it feels wrong. I want to keep all the things I feel passionately about to myself. I only want Bea to know about them to talk about them with me to work beside me. Why doesn't she want to garden beside me?
All these dates, all these other girls, they are nice and attractive
But God they aren't her.
They don't have that smile
They don't have that laugh
Those brown eyes
That brown hair it looks great whether it's long, short, bangs, up, down, ugh she's fucking beautiful, so sexy!
They don't have that heart of hers.
That heart of hers, the one who makes friends at the pantry
The one who picks up random dogs on a road trip
The one that plays the ukulele and makes me cry
The one that would press against my chest when she was happy
The one that would paint the most beautiful art
The one that would connect with Linden McKinley kids
The one that would leave flowers for elderly widows
The one that would leave me hidden notes
The one that would instantly make friends with city year people
That beautiful fucking heart God.
God I know no one will love her as much as I can.
And I think she knows this too, I think she feels the same.
And I don't want to give my love to someone else.
I'm not doing it anymore.
Had I not been medicating and running like that I would have listened to the woman I love in the first place.
Claire could see it. I feel so dumb it seems like everyone around me can see my flaws but me.
I'll sit in this season with You God.
I want to experience that next level of Love.
I want to get to that point that I always do and this time I want to stand firm in it, no more running, no more walls.
I want to be messy and known
not hott and false
I pray that I could experience that next stage with Bea. It's who I've always wanted to share it with, it's who I've been the most afraid to show. What if she rejected me? How could I handle that? But she called me family. I'd move to the mountains for that woman. I'd ride a roller coaster for her, a bike. She didn't care if I showed weakness screaming at cedar point like an idiot. She didn't care if I crashed the bike. She didn't care if I just sat and studied for hours. She didn't care if I couldn't afford fancy dates. It was always me who cared about how I looked. It was always this vulnerability and failure shit inside of me. She saw me...and she called me family.
family God.
She really did love me. And I have hope she does still.
Coldplay - Warning Sign